How have you made an unhappy marriage work for you?

[Alupalu2020]

I’ve been married for 10 years and my husband has made less and less effort as the years have gone on. He takes me for granted and shows very little affection or care towards me.

however, for many reasons including children, finances and family pressures I need to stay in this marriage. He’s not a horrible person, but he’s a rubbish husband.

has anyone else experienced this? And how have you coped? How do you keep yourself happy knowing that you don’t have a ‘fairytale’ marriage?

Yes i put up with it for a long time and then had a moment of clarity, realised life is passing me by and things will not change so i applied for a divorce. Took 14 months but im now free! yolo 😁

I'm by no means an expert but my thoughts:

1. No one has a 'fairytale' marriage. Social media has a lot to answer for.

But lots of people are content and happy

1. There isn't anything you can do if he isn't putting the effort it. If you're going to stay in the marriage you're going to have to accept that it's unlikely to get better and more likely to get worse

1. Think very carefully about what you mean by 'need' to stay in the marriage. It's unlikely that you HAVE to. What's more likely is that your finances and lifestyle will take a big hit. So what you need to do is weigh up which is the better option for you. I mean that without judgement. But very few people HAVE to stay in a marriage. They choose to because they prefer an unhappy marriage to the alternative. Which is totally fine. But you most likely do have options, they just don't feel very palatable at the moment.

My parents were lovely but had a terrible marriage. They were just not right for each other and it showed. If your marriage is crap, your kids know.

This. All of it.
I’d only add: staying for the children isn’t necessarily what’s best for them, a happier place that means a smaller house and less money is unlikely to make them unhappier people. You could probably add to your reasons ‘fear, inertia’: I had both of these, big time, I still remember when I left, my sister saying ‘The only thing I’m surprised about is that you were brave enough to do it’.
If you think about it, you could find ways round all the barriers you’re seeing. It’s up to you. But if you’re going to go, go sooner rather than later, while you’ve got more time to restart, before indifference and lack of care turn to bitterness and animosity, and make separation and co-parenting more confrontational.

Do not give into family pressures either; they are not married to him, you are and you know what he is like.

Consider also what you’re teaching your kids about relationships. This is not the legacy to be leaving them. An affection less marriage is one they could go onto emulate themselves because currently at least this is still acceptable to you. Do not kid yourself either your kids don’t know because they do and likely know far more than you both care to realise. They see and pick up on all the vibes here, both spoken and unspoken, between you two. One day your kids will leave home and if you’re still together then they won’t likely want to come back home all that often if at all. They could accuse you of putting him before them.

As for staying for the sake of the children well whose sake are you staying for because it really is not theirs, more likely your own because it’s somehow easier not to separate. Divorce is not failure op, living in such outright unhappiness is.

Divorce as soon as you can. Life is too short to put up with this situation. I wish I had done this years ago. It really is too late for me, but not you. Get a happy life without him as it will probably be better on your own.

Thank you for your responses everyone… lots of food for thought

There is so much freedom and happiness ahead after divorce. All the decisions are yours. You can budget, downsize, have a happy family home with a cheery atmosphere that you set yourself. Kids don’t care about space and wealth. They care about the vibe inside your house. It’s scary to make the leap (mine was done for me) but you can do this.

Ask yourself why you are staying. Then every day remind yourself that you are staying for those reasons, and your unhappiness is the price you are paying.

I personally decided nothing was worth paying such a high price.

I am retired now and sudden serious heart problems have descended on me like an unwanted ton of bricks and the fact that life comes to an end unbidden has been brought painfully home to me.

You must seize the day for it will be gone before you know it ........

I suppose the answer is to stop investing emotionally in the marriage and put your time and energy into work, children, friends, family, hobbies......anything that gives you something back.

Holy shit, I could have written this.

It's actually my 19th wedding anniversary tomorrow. We are both miserable, we quite dislike one another. So in all honesty, it's been 18.5 years of misery.

I have my own interests, hobbies, friends, work etc.

It's a tough slog though, I won't lie, pretending all the time to be "happy".

To answer your actual question, OP, rather than say that you're wrong to ask it; I make it work by acknowledging, pretty much daily, the reasons I'm still here.

I like having companionship, even if not a deep connection. I like having the children growing up with confidence and stability at home in a mad and unpredictable world. I like having the ability to buy small extras, for them and all of us, rather than being saddled by the financial burden of a bigger mortgage. I like there being another 100% parent for the times my job or social life take me away from home. I like their birthday and Xmases being focused on them and fun, and not managing a time split. I like that their rooms and possessions are theirs, not split. I like that I still have access to everything I've worked for, and haven't had to give half of it away to someone who hasn't invested as much. I like being 'normal' in social gatherings, not standing out as someone to feel sorry for. I like someone else also taking the weight of household tasks and being able to split effort according to aptitude.

All these things are worth something, to me, at least. Maybe one day they won't be enough. For now, they're worth not bearing the huge cost of a split.

Why do you do it?

Marriages certainly aren’t all lovey dovey. They are hard work and when one of you feels they are putting all the effort in and the other does very little, it’s difficult to see why you should stay. The kids/ finances etc won’t be there for ever and at some point you have to decide whether to carry on or change things.

These are ideas from different people:
Planning something new to do together. Could be a sport/volunteering opportunity.
Looking at how your partner males you think of good things-they are 50% your child, and sometimes it's really sweet to see how your kids and your partner both pull strange faces while they're concentrating. Well, maybe.
Remembering why you got together, and the things you were proud of.
Religious/cultural support-this obviously depends on your own beliefs, but there are people who say they benefit from it.
Journaling what you're grateful for helps some people.
Talking about good memories can help.
Thinking about grass is greener syndrome-and looking at some of the things that have happened to people after divorce, such as being cut out of friend groups/problems with new relationships and how they can affect children etc.
There was an article by a psychologist saying how divorce affected children, more so than occasional arguments between parents.
Remembering that your partner is the only human being on earth that made your children with you, and enjoying watching the beings you made grow together.
Remember no marriage is perfect, and fairytales are just that.
Some experts have said human beings pair bond, and that it's natural and good for us to do so.
Marriage counselling from someone supportive of marriage can help (tbh honest the people who I know who are therapists have their own issues, but this post is meant to be giving you options of things other people have said help them, so my experiences are irrelevant).
Getting those invested in your children's wellbeing to support you by babysitting, if possible, so you can have the odd relaxing date night might help.
When one of you has a serious health issue, or you've just lost someone, it can sometimes hit you that we spend so much time wanting perfect that we missed out on what we really wanted.

These are a few ideas from different people-I don't necessarily agree or disagree with any, so am not getting into any debates-this post is simply to respond to what you asked, OP

Thank you everyone for your responses.. it’s hard because I know that I should walk away and file for divorce, however with two young children and everything in between it is something that I need to gear myself up for more. So for now, I just need to work out, how to make this situation work for me.

But do you feel angry or resentful towards your partner? I just feel angry all of the time

I used him for the things he could provide. He earned more. He drove whenever we went out. Would drop me off and collect me when I went out with friends. He was home to look after the dog when I went on holiday. Did jobs around the house and garden. Another heartbeat in the house.

I think at the point anger & resentment kick in OP then there really isn’t a way to make things work for you.

The people who plod along in unhappy marriages are usually just that- unhappy, but not necessarily angry or particularly bothered, they have just accepted this is what they choose and that their level of unhappiness is the price they pay for the comforts they do get from marriage- usually more money/less financial worry.

Occasionally, yes. I seem to have actually moved through much of it, oddly enough. I had a few years of real anger and resentment. They drove me to put the things in place which are working now: separate rooms, no sex, an expectation of certain household contributions. To be honest if I hadn't got angry enough to establish those, I wouldn't have the conditions to stabilise now. Since I do have them, the issues in the marriage are much less intrusive and we can live together as friends, housemates and co-parents much more readily.

I put up with years of shitty, abusive behaviour. We separated after 25 years. Don't be me.

Divorce was awful, he made it really difficult but then I knew he would. Life on the other side is so much better.

Don't let your kids watch you suffer and be a martyr for them, that'll do nobody any good.

There’s a lot of sad truth in this. I must admit that when I left, I didn’t realise I was also leaving a social circle that depended on being part of a couple: But I left it late, after the kids had grown and left, and when it’s so much harder to find someone else. There’s no easy answers…..

I have been in your situation. Ask yourself this question. What would you tell your daughter to do if she were you...

If you think there's something to salvage and he's not abusive you could give therapy a go. Better to do this sooner rather than later. Having young kids is hard work and can trigger a lot of resentment. Therapy has helped my marriage. I don't think it will work if he's completely checked out though. He needs to have some recognition of the part he has played. Has his inattention to you been quite recent or has he always been like this? Sorry for the mumsnet cliché but..Could he be having an affair? Everyone I know with divorced parents says they wish their parents had split up earlier.