Page 2 | How have you made an unhappy marriage work for you?

Alupalu2020 · 2025-08-03T09:13:04+00:00

I’ve been married for 10 years and my husband has made less and less effort as the years have gone on. He takes me for granted and shows very little affection or care towards me. however, for many reasons including children, finances and family pressures I need to stay in this marriage. He’s not a horrible person, but he’s a rubbish husband. has anyone else experienced this? And how have you coped? How do you keep yourself happy knowing that you don’t have a ‘fairytale’ marriage?

myplace · 03/08/2025 22:07

Make yourself happy. Don’t wait for him to.

Stop pulling more than your weight, put in what you get out.

Put your energy into your kids work and friendships.

Stop looking to him to appreciate and respond. Stop doing the nice things. Please yourself.

Honestly so much resentment eases off when you stop blaming him for not reflecting your efforts. Stop trying and stop being disappointed.

Plan for the future you want. It may be that on the way there he learns to appreciate you and you stay together after all. If not, you’ll be ready when the time comes.

beelegal · 03/08/2025 22:12

I got married very young—just 19—and stayed in the marriage far longer than I should have. We were never truly compatible, but I stayed because I didn’t want to hurt him, or disrupt things for our children. I tried to leave twice but went back both times out of guilt. He couldn’t move on, and I felt responsible for that.
In the end, it took everything I had to finally walk away. But I did it. I’m out now, and I’m free. I know with complete clarity, I will never go back.

MercuryRisingBeware · 03/08/2025 23:46

Mintpie · 03/08/2025 19:58

Why do you do it?

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For the kids mostly & it's a reasonably comfortable lifestyle. He's a companion (albiet not a great one). Quite frankly, I can't afford to leave & if I did, my quality of living would greatly diminish. I'm not a spring chicken, so starting again or meeting the right person is unlikely. Plus, my mother would never let me live down the shame of being a divorcee.

twiceasnice47 · 04/08/2025 00:15

Me and DH have been married 20 yrs. He is a shit father he couldn't cope when kids were small as he found the chaos too much to deal with so I brought the kids up like a single parent
with very little input from him. Tbh he has always tried to be a good husband to me and is a very very kind man. Problem is I now resent him as we never really had a proper family set up - holidays and days out were hell as he would end up walking off. We have a great time together when there are no kids about- he has almost walked twice and me a few times. Thing is i have built a life without him I am always out with friends (as i could never leave kids with him so never had a night out in about 14 yrs) so I make up for it now. I am happy and content as I have a life away from the home now. Kids are almost grown up and we are spending more and more time together now but I do resent him for being a shit dad and making me literally do everything for the kids whilst he kept out the way of mess noise and general family life

Dweetfidilove · 05/08/2025 01:03

DesparatePragmatist · 03/08/2025 20:49

Occasionally, yes. I seem to have actually moved through much of it, oddly enough. I had a few years of real anger and resentment. They drove me to put the things in place which are working now: separate rooms, no sex, an expectation of certain household contributions. To be honest if I hadn't got angry enough to establish those, I wouldn't have the conditions to stabilise now. Since I do have them, the issues in the marriage are much less intrusive and we can live together as friends, housemates and co-parents much more readily.

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There's so much realness in both of your posts, but how do you set up contingencies for one of you meeting someone else?
How do you trust that he's sufficiently invested in holding the marriage together as much as you are, and won't blow it up by having an affair?

DesparatePragmatist · 05/08/2025 09:46

Dweetfidilove · 05/08/2025 01:03

There's so much realness in both of your posts, but how do you set up contingencies for one of you meeting someone else?
How do you trust that he's sufficiently invested in holding the marriage together as much as you are, and won't blow it up by having an affair?

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Really insightful question... I've thought about this. In reality, I think it's inertia, rather than commitment, on DHs side. The things that have put us under strain are the reasons he doesn't leave (no confidence, no ambition personally or professionally, no reliable income, no willingness/ability to explore an inner world of understanding or connection to solve external issues. Possible ND). I think he's actually accepting of the situation, prefers to be with the kids, follows my lead socially and with activities and home projects. Which in turn makes the situation as acceptable as it can be, for me. I think its fairly unusual to be able to stabilise like this, to be honest. If he or I met someone else it would probably end it, and that might be a good thing, but nothing has tipped the balance yet. If I sound resigned - I am!

Dweetfidilove · 05/08/2025 11:27

DesparatePragmatist · 05/08/2025 09:46

Really insightful question... I've thought about this. In reality, I think it's inertia, rather than commitment, on DHs side. The things that have put us under strain are the reasons he doesn't leave (no confidence, no ambition personally or professionally, no reliable income, no willingness/ability to explore an inner world of understanding or connection to solve external issues. Possible ND). I think he's actually accepting of the situation, prefers to be with the kids, follows my lead socially and with activities and home projects. Which in turn makes the situation as acceptable as it can be, for me. I think its fairly unusual to be able to stabilise like this, to be honest. If he or I met someone else it would probably end it, and that might be a good thing, but nothing has tipped the balance yet. If I sound resigned - I am!

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Quite pragmatic. I can see why you've gone off him, as that is an extensive lack of enthusiasm and must make your life so difficult.
Who'd think the thing that makes life difficult is also the thing you can rely on for stability.
I hope he remains stable so you can raise your children, then go on to find happiness in whatever form suits you.

AmyDuPlantier · 05/08/2025 11:35

I stayed for three years when I knew it was dead in the water…very recently made the break and my husband was in total agreement as he has quietly been feeling the same.

It’s not always as bad as you think it’s going to be. I couldn’t have lived the rest of my life not being loved in the way I was desperate to be, and nor did my husband deserve that. He’s a lovely man, but we are not the right fit any more. And that’s ok.

Mintpie · 05/08/2025 11:47

MercuryRisingBeware · 03/08/2025 23:46

For the kids mostly & it's a reasonably comfortable lifestyle. He's a companion (albiet not a great one). Quite frankly, I can't afford to leave & if I did, my quality of living would greatly diminish. I'm not a spring chicken, so starting again or meeting the right person is unlikely. Plus, my mother would never let me live down the shame of being a divorcee.

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That last bit is really sad. 😞

TamsD · 07/08/2025 09:33

@AmyDuPlantier
How did you start the conversation to separate?

AmyDuPlantier · 08/08/2025 21:32

@TamsDwe talked about it maybe four months ago when I really lost my shit…we decided to go and see a counsellor but neither of us bothered to do anything about that. So about a month ago I just said…I think it’s time we separate and he was in agreement. It’s really been absolutely fine. We’re getting on better while we get the house on the market etc! Now we know it’s not a life sentence 🤣 we’ve been able to go back to being friends, which we were before we were ever a couple.