My wife 38f admits to me 34m another man kissed her on hen do.

[Familymanlondondad]

Hello,

A full breakdown.

I've been married to my wife 38f for 1.5 years and together for 9 years with 2 kids 7m and 3f we live in london.

My wife went on a hen do, a group of around 16 women went to ibiza for 5 days.

Full disclose - Whilst my wife was away on holiday, I suffered with detachment anxiety, this is not something I experienced before, I spoke to a therapist about this whilst she was away and am working through this, part of what happened was that I gained access through her Facebook whilst she was away and went through it and her internet search history. This was when I sought professional help and the advice was to detach slightly whilst wife was away in order to create some distance in my head too stop the spiral of obsession. I requested that she refrain from sending her pictures to me and that I would be turning off life360 and temporarily shutting down social media. When I told my wife this understandably she asked why and I told her, she was okay with this and was happy to to comply with my requests. We talked about this fully when she returned and I was honest and open about what I did in regards to the breach of trust over the privacy of her laptop.

Generally our relationship is good (recently) its been rocky over the years probably the past 5 but there has been no unfaithfulness just a problem with communication and expressing how we feel effectively.

My wife arrived back and we discussed my anxiety and she helped me work through it day 1. Day 2 we talked about the holiday and I asked the question did anyone on holiday kiss anyone amongst other questions. Someone had and she told me about that but she left out that another man had kissed her.
This brings us too now 2 weeks later. She sat me down and told me she had lied and that a man had kissed her when she was very drunk on her final night. I am very thankful she feels she can be open and honest as thats a hard thing to admit especially after the initial lie.

The kiss, she was very drunk, she was speaking to a group of men with one other friend for 20 mins, he kissed her, she is unsure how long it lasted but she said it was seconds, she was shocked and pulled away and no longer spoke to this man or his group of friends. On the face of it, it seems one sided but in my head I can't see how a man would feel it acceptable to just kiss a random woman unless there had been flirtation etc, but I could be wrong here.
She hadnt spoken to anyone else about this until I spoke to her and I wanted all the details so she spoke to the other friend who was there in private and the other friend told her what she had told me.

I now have 2 issues.

The first being the lie, we have talked about this and both agreed in brutal honesty even if its hard to hear we must for the sake of trust. I think this is worked through now.
The second is I feel an emotional detachment from my wife, the thought of another man touching and kissing her makes me feel disgusted even for the fleeting period. I find it challenging as I'm struggling to come to terms with it as it is conflicting with my view of her and the pedestal I sit her on.

I know to recover from this we have to create boundaries in order for something like this not to happen again.

Am I valid in this and not being too dismissive or blowing it out of proportion?

Am I at fault for the breaking of her trust in regards to her laptop which could have led to this?

I am unsure also of boundaries which could mitigate this happening again?

Thanks for listening.

She obviously thought you'd react badly so left it out. He kissed her and she stopped it. Unless you think she's lying there's nothing more to say.
Why is she on a pedestal? In what way?

Thank you for taking the time to reply.

I completely get what your saying but a lie is a lie in my opinion, leaving things out omiting details is not what effective open and honest communication is about, for me.

I dont think she is lying i think she was very drunk and doesn't remember the finer details.

I put my wife on a pedestal as I worship the ground she walks on, I am very in love with her and this has just challenged my view of that, I'm sure with time it will be fine but I find myself not wanting to be close, hold hands, cuddling at night, like I usually do.

If that makes sense.

Thankyou again.

It was a hen do! It was a short kiss not an orgy! Let’s hope nothing serious comes up in the future.

It’s not good to lie, but she did so because she knew how you would react. Remember she is your wife not your property.

Someone kissed her without her permission and you are blaming her and it makes you feel different about her? I mean this with kindness, but I think you should continue with the professional help.

I don't condone lying at all but in this case, she didn't want to tell you straight away to give you time to get better so you could handle it. That's what I think. If it was a mutual kiss, then of course she should've told straight away.

I wouldn't think there's any reason not to trust what she's saying unless you have reasons to believe otherwise.

It is crazy to think someone can come up and kiss another person but there are all sorts of freaks out there so I wouldn't be totally shocked if some drunken man found it appropriate..

Wow. No way would this be said if it was the man on a stag do

Thankyou for replying,

its fair to say you think I'm blowing it out of proportion then! I may well be , i haven't dealt with any like this and I am trying to be grounded and sensible about it but I dont have any sort of reference point.

If you want your marriage to continue you need to change your thinking pretty quick. Putting your wife on a pedestal rather than seeing her as a full person with flaws is the road to disaster. She's done her best to deal with a difficult situation and isn't at all at fault here. No wonder she didn't want to tell you. Your response has been awful.

I would have said the same about a man and a stag do.

If a woman kissed dh and he stopped it I'd say exactly the same thing

Thankyou

You are more than likely correct about the therapy.

She used the term kissed me and she pulled away i did say to her that sounds to me like sexual assault hut she assures me it isn't.

I dont like the thought of another man's lips on hers whether its consensual or not, It hasn't changed how I feel about her at all, I am feeling vulnerable and challenged but it hasn't changed my view on my wife.. if that makes sense.

Thank you for taking my response as being pragmatic rather than critical. Please try and get this in perspective and move forward together. x

Okay

Thankyou for being brutally honest.

What about this has been awful in your opinion, this is the first time iver ever dealt with anything like this so you could well be completely right.

Thankyou

She came back from holiday and you were already in a heightened state of anxiety. Do you think telling you then would have been beneficial? Or made you spiral even more.

She obviously thought it would be best to tell you later when things had calmed down.

Secondly, Men do sometimes kiss women out of the blue. They can take being friendly as a sign of flirtation. She has done nothing wrong.

Gosh no wonder she didn’t want to tell you.
you’ve reacted by not wanting to cuddle her or hold her hand as usual. She was wary of your horrible reaction.
good communication doesn’t mean having to share every single detail by the way.

I can't see how a man would feel it acceptable to just kiss a random woman unless there had been flirtation etc, but I could be wrong here.

@Familymanlondondad so you've never heard of sexual harassment or assault? This sentence in your post exposes your male privilege because it happens to women. Many times.

As for her lying, I am sure given you gas discussed your anxiety she was scared/reluctant to tell you.
May be worshipping your wife is not great for you or her. You need to learn to love her without owning her.
A kiss she did not consent to and you feel disgusted by her you don't want to cuddle her or hold her hand. Wow.

If my husband started searching through my internet history and Facebook I would leave him.

You can not wrap that up as having 'anxiety' it is controlling and wrong.

I think this is one of the times I would like to hear the other partners side about what her life is like with the OP. Poor bugger can't go away on holiday without the partner trying to spoil it while they're away. I don't believe this is a one off.

You have started a whole thread about the trauma of having another man kiss your wife when she didn't want him to. Surely you can see she is the one who was violated, but you're making it all about you. Wanting to set boundaries so this can never happen again. Unless you plan to control her movements of course it can happen again. You need to start seeing her as a fully grown adult who chooses you. We can't control our partner's actions, only our own and relationships without trust are prisons.

So would I. And I’d do it even faster if someone had kissed me without my say so and then my husband blamed me for it.

I would say it if it was a man.

your behaviour hasnt been great. It appears your wife has to spend a lot of energy managing your emotions. That‘s not really fair. She was on a holiday and excited and you hacked her social media accounts, then sent all that nonsense about blocking her and refusing photos.

she was okay with this and was happy to to comply with my requests
this stood out for me. Comply with your requests??? Wtf. She isnt your employee.

Yes she should have told you. Given your state of mind, I can see why she didn't. You obviously didn't trust her before as you were checking her private messages. You sound needy and controlling.

As a woman I can attest that men do try and kiss with very little encouragement. I have had men think they have the green light because I have been polite to them.

For clarity, are you stating that within the space of 5 days you:

1. Invaded another adult's privacy.
2. Had a mental health crisis.
3. Located a therapist.
4. AND you secured a specific diagnosis?

Please continue with professional help..
Your wife was unwillingly kissed without consent, she didn’t tell you as you had issues with attachment and asked her to withdraw, and yet you don’t like the idea of another man’s lips on her. It sounds like you see her as a possession.

Your wife has done nothing wrong.