My wife 38f admits to me 34m another man kissed her on hen do.

[Familymanlondondad]

Hello,

A full breakdown.

I've been married to my wife 38f for 1.5 years and together for 9 years with 2 kids 7m and 3f we live in london.

My wife went on a hen do, a group of around 16 women went to ibiza for 5 days.

Full disclose - Whilst my wife was away on holiday, I suffered with detachment anxiety, this is not something I experienced before, I spoke to a therapist about this whilst she was away and am working through this, part of what happened was that I gained access through her Facebook whilst she was away and went through it and her internet search history. This was when I sought professional help and the advice was to detach slightly whilst wife was away in order to create some distance in my head too stop the spiral of obsession. I requested that she refrain from sending her pictures to me and that I would be turning off life360 and temporarily shutting down social media. When I told my wife this understandably she asked why and I told her, she was okay with this and was happy to to comply with my requests. We talked about this fully when she returned and I was honest and open about what I did in regards to the breach of trust over the privacy of her laptop.

Generally our relationship is good (recently) its been rocky over the years probably the past 5 but there has been no unfaithfulness just a problem with communication and expressing how we feel effectively.

My wife arrived back and we discussed my anxiety and she helped me work through it day 1. Day 2 we talked about the holiday and I asked the question did anyone on holiday kiss anyone amongst other questions. Someone had and she told me about that but she left out that another man had kissed her.
This brings us too now 2 weeks later. She sat me down and told me she had lied and that a man had kissed her when she was very drunk on her final night. I am very thankful she feels she can be open and honest as thats a hard thing to admit especially after the initial lie.

The kiss, she was very drunk, she was speaking to a group of men with one other friend for 20 mins, he kissed her, she is unsure how long it lasted but she said it was seconds, she was shocked and pulled away and no longer spoke to this man or his group of friends. On the face of it, it seems one sided but in my head I can't see how a man would feel it acceptable to just kiss a random woman unless there had been flirtation etc, but I could be wrong here.
She hadnt spoken to anyone else about this until I spoke to her and I wanted all the details so she spoke to the other friend who was there in private and the other friend told her what she had told me.

I now have 2 issues.

The first being the lie, we have talked about this and both agreed in brutal honesty even if its hard to hear we must for the sake of trust. I think this is worked through now.
The second is I feel an emotional detachment from my wife, the thought of another man touching and kissing her makes me feel disgusted even for the fleeting period. I find it challenging as I'm struggling to come to terms with it as it is conflicting with my view of her and the pedestal I sit her on.

I know to recover from this we have to create boundaries in order for something like this not to happen again.

Am I valid in this and not being too dismissive or blowing it out of proportion?

Am I at fault for the breaking of her trust in regards to her laptop which could have led to this?

I am unsure also of boundaries which could mitigate this happening again?

Thanks for listening.

I feel sorry for your wife if she exists

I understand why she didn’t tell you straight away as you were not in a good place mentally. She’s waited until you were ready (and her) to tell you.

No one will know for sure if it’s the truth, sadly you’ll need to come to terms with accepting it the way she explains it. I understand why you’re upset, it’s more than a kiss, it’s the lead up to what was said, how she was acting before the kiss happened. I know it’s a hen do and they were all probably having fun but that doesn’t make it easier for you to understand.

Right now I think you need to take some time to focus on you. The love you have for your wife is great but this pedestal she’s on isn’t healthy. Everyone has flaws. Everyone has weaknesses but you shouldn’t feel so down and worried when she’s away from you for a few days. This shows there’s a level on insecurity on your part. This is something you need to work on, speaking to someone about this connection and fear will help.
You’re displaying worrying behaviour, the logging into her accounts and then telling her this is actually quite frightening. If my husband did this then I would find it controlling behaviour.

If you want your marriage to continue then you need time to feel upset about what’s happened. In time you’ll need to accept what’s happened and have hope/ trust that this was a one off and move on from it.

Your wife goes away for 5 days. You found out you had such a big detachment problem on what day 1? Snooped through her stuff. Booked an appointment to see a professional. Then actually told her all this on what day 2 or 3?

I actually feel so sorry for her, having children makes it harder to put space between her and you. I think you should carry on with professional help.

You've been together for 9 years. Your relationship has been rocky for 5 years.

Message for your wife in the hope that she reads this.....Run away!!!!!

When I was in my mid twenties I went to a club with a lot of friends and lots of people we all knew.
We all had some drinks but not drunk.
I am female and another of my female friends were talking at the bar and she suddenly kissed me and stuck her tongue down my throat.
I was just really baffled. I hadn't flirted as I am not gay, it happened really quickly.
I just pulled away and laughed and said thanks but no thanks. Personally I thought it was quite funny. I stayed friends with her.

In your wife's situation I would have been reluctant to tell you as she was aware of you struggling with how you feel currently.

I would actually think she was being mindful towards you? And also that she isn't to blame at all!
She very clearly is very honest in my opinion

Also personally I am not sure I would have shared this with my partner in your situation.
I shared it with mine and we had a good laugh but then we were not married and had no children etc.

You are coming across as a controlling abusive man.

1st, you went through her laptop and social media, then made demands about her not posting and put conditions on her actions because of your "separation anxiety"

2nd, you start quizzing her over the behaviour of her friends and herself whilst heaping on emotional guilt tripping again due to your "separation anxiety"

3rd, when she felt that you had calmed down enough she told you about a man kissing her without her permission and you go straight to blaming her and talking about her as if she's your possession. You're still trying to claim this is due to "separation anxiety"

4th, you have decided that she must have flirted as a man wouldn't have kissed her otherwise due to the 1st rule of misogyny ie women are always to blame for the behaviour of men.

5th, you withheld affection to punish her for someone else's behaviour

Now you can claim detachment/separation anxiety all you want but the fact is YOU are the only one who has behaved inappropriately. YOU are coming across as a controlling abusive misogynist.
Your wife is NOT responsible for your abusive behaviour, your inappropriate feelings nor a random drunk man's behaviour.
You need to have a long hard look at yourself and change before your wife leaves you due to your abusive behaviour

It’s probably not a good idea for people on the thread to share instances of when they were sexually assaulted.

‘Separation Anxiety’ - yuck. More like a needy, controlling, abusive, pathetic excuse of a man. Hope she runs a mile

Yep I'm getting coersive control vibes off this guy and I hope that his wife gets the fuck away from him asap

My husband was kissed by a woman on a stag do. I knew it wasn’t consensual because he has a nut allergy so never kissed strangers on nights out in case they’d be drinking nutty drinks or eating something nutty. Yes I was mad but I realised it was her not him and he was honest. Sometimes you need to pluck up the courage to tell your partner something they might react badly to. It’s not like it was a year after, it was just a few days. It’s ok to be mad but don’t throw away your relationship over it.

I think women look for resilience and a sense of humour in a man. You're too wrapped up in this little thing, and the whole pedistal thing is a bit cringe worthy. Try not caring so much, let go a little, let her go a little, she'll find it far more attractive

I'm going toadd another comment after reflecting more on this: "but in my head I can't see how a man would feel it acceptable to just kiss a random woman unless there had been flirtation etc"

Unfortunately, or perhaps fortunately, you clearly have no idea what life is like as a woman. You are literally just friendly to a man in a social situation and far too high a percentage seem to interpret that as "oh she fancies me". You choose not to speak to a man and you get some variation of an aggressive "think you're too high and mighty for me, do you?" Striking that balance when you are sober is hard enough, but after a few drinks and feeling carefree and having a good time, so smiling and laughing naturally, a lot of men misinterpret your behaviour, not that the behaviour itself is wrong.

If you want to improve things then consider your and your friends' actions and responses to women in social situations and challenge anything that looks out of place.

It's ok to be mad at the perpetrator, not the victim

"In my head I can't see how a man would feel it acceptable to just kiss a random woman unless there had been flirtation etc"

🙄Let me explain. Pretty much every single woman on the planet has experienced unwanted physical attention from men on numerous occasions. A lot of men think it is perfectly acceptable to touch, hug, grope or kiss a woman without her consent. Their perception of events and their excuse is often 'she led me on'. No she didn't - they just thought she did.

For example - perhaps you need to refer to the football kiss court case that's been all over the news recently.

If this had been posted by a woman, the almost universal response would have been
”no way was it just a kiss”
”she is telling you because she’s afraid someone else is going to tell you”
”this won’t be the first time”
LTB
As it happens, I don’t agree with that, but that absolutely would have been the response.

Abusive men will also use therapy speak to manipulate.

I certainty agree with pp who listed out what op was able to accomplish in 5 days…

Because men and women are not the same. And male and female experiences are not the same. Even on the same night out.

highlighted by the male op who was completely unaware women are ever assaulted.

Agree with this. But it is equally possible that a man could be kissed, unprovoked, by a woman on a night out. My point is if a woman posted that that had happened to her DH, the general response would be to disbelieve it.

I genuinely think this is completely different.

I think most women this happened to would maybe tell their partner as an anecdote about what happened on the hen. She didn’t do anything wrong. These things do happen to women.

This wife knows she could never lightheartedly tell this story in a way that OP wouldn’t overreact to, so she chose not to.

Then, because of his emotional drama, she has thought about it and decided to tell him just so she is being completely transparent and, in a weird way, to make him feel safer - because being honest is, surely, the way to build trust?

I am really worried about the wife here. OP, you have to control your own emotions, not your wife.

Take the poor woman off the pedestal and stop worshipping her. She’s a human being. You are setting her up to fail. It’s an awful thing to do and it’s no good for your own self worth.

All that stuff about being disgusted that someone else touched her is weird. The man who briefly pushed his lips against her without permission has taken nothing from her - or from you. It changes nothing. Your intrusive thoughts are a problem and they will become self-fulfilling. Dealing with this so badly will push her away and make you more likely to lose her for good.

If you want your relationship to last you need to do some proper work on yourself, feel very sorry for your wife you sound demanding, needy and hard work

Your anxiety or control issues are going to ruin your marriage if you don’t continue with counselling and get them resolved. No wonder she didn’t want to tell you.
And it happens often to women. Happened to me last weekend when a newish male ‘friend’ decided to grab and kiss me at the end of the night in a pub. I politely detached and said goodnight as he’s usually decent and it hasn’t happened before with him, but technically that was assault too. I didn’t consent. Your wife sounds like she didn’t either. It isn’t uncommon. But it would be good if she could have come home and talk to you about it without you losing the plot.
I feel sorry for your wife. If it was me I’d be long gone.

Don’t put her on a pedastal. Some of my ex boyfriends did this to me and then I had to deal with their anger and bitterness when they realised that I wasn’t the made up person in their heads.

Just because you are in a relationship, it doesn’t mean you have to tell everything to your partner as that could be rather suffocating. You are still two independent adults and there will be lots you don’t know about each other. That shouldn’t make you feel insecure.

I appreciate your answers and the help it has given me.

I know my wife isn't too blame, i struggled to get past the fact the kiss wasn't invited, the reason behind this being, I wouldnt ever do this myself as a man but you have made me realise that isn't the case and that some men behave in this way, someone mentioned male privilege and thats right I didn't realise. So thanykou for that..

I do not own my wife or treat her as a possession as some have said WE are very happy with the dynamic of our relationship but thankyou again for pointing this out its a valid concern.

I take some answers with a pinch of salt as they are fueled with people's own trauma and again I thankyou for your input also.

I have spoken with my wife and I have been open and expressed my regret in how I handled the situation over the past 24 hours, she agrees that she would also have been hurt if the roles had been flipped so didnt agree with me apologising.

I appreacite all the advice it HAS helped.

Thankyou.