Enmeshment query

[Concernedpartnercarol]

Hi. Just been forced on a break by my lovely partner of 8 months. Was all going so well until an issue that kept bothering me came to a head. He has 2 girls and when he goes away on breaks he shares a bed with the youngest who is now 24. This has been happening from childhood. Told him it’s not appropriate ( I know it’s innocent etc) but he struggles to tell the daughter he is booking another room/bed. She controls him. Well they both do. He pays them money each month as scared of losing them. He’s had panic attacks recently, does suffer from anxiety.
how do I make this work and deal with it?
thanks so much

Why on earth would you want to?

Can't understand why a 24 year old would be forcing her father to share a bed with her! This is really odd, especially as he is saying he can't say no to that. Are you sure he is being honest here? It doesn't sound like a young adult would insist on this.

The frequent payments are a more normal thing (though not necessarily right) but if he can't afford them and they are taking advantage then he does need to set boundaries and accept it will change his relationship with him. There are organisations that support with things like this (coercive behaviour, elder abuse etc).

Because I love him. He’s been so supportive of me as had a severe knee injury a few months back. He’s very caring etc. talked of him moving in with me.
he told the girls that I wasn’t happy about the bed sharing. Id only just met them too.

Thanks for your help. Im not saying she’s forcing him. Apparently they always have done this as he had no money when younger ( though had now!) she books doubles.

it’s only when they go on mini breaks but he sprung this current one on me as I had given him the chance to tell me if any more trips had been booked.

they are away now and I’m just thinking of the situation. When I questioned an additional night that was not covered re rooms he just lost it and ended the call as stuck in the middle of them and me.

So creepy. Run.

Could you point out how this looks to others, if that might help him to realise how inappropriate and odd this is? Hotel staff almost certainly initially assume he’s a sleazy older man with a young partner (or hookup). If they overhear her calling him ‘Dad’, it’s even worse; there’s no way staff aren’t gossiping about him/them.

A father and adult daughter sharing a room (but not a bed) out of necessity is one thing, but specifically choosing to book doubles and share a bed is very weird.

This would turn my stomach, and I don’t blame you for taking a break from him.

I don't think it's the issue of the beds that's bothering you. You seem jealous of his daughters. Read over the language you have used when talking about them.
You are not going to have a good relationship with these girls, especially after he told them that you were unhappy with the situation. The money issue is absolutely nothing to do with you, you've only been his partner for 8 months, stay in your own lane. He appears very close to his children, I think he will always choose them over you, which has been proven when he forced this break.

Indeed

Is she in a bed with you both or just him...
Either way I'd run a mile... and id do it fast

Indeed

Is she in a bed with you both or just him...
Either way I'd run a mile... and id do it fast

Just weird. This won't get better OP. Cut your losses.

Thanks for your help. Yes I have done, and mentioned how it must look to staff. They went to Sorrento a few years ago and for her classics studies. Booked a king. As he’s quite disorganised it seems she books the rooms. Im sure twins won’t cost much more.

he’s asked for a break as said im driving a wedge. I just feel like he’s having an affair which is not the case at all but it doesn’t sit right with me and I’m very low.

No they go on their own. I’ve been away with him on a short break this year. She also has a boyfriend now and apparently she asked him re the situation and he’s ok. Though wondering how this was worded to the poor guy!

partner of 8 months
He pays them money each month
talked of him moving in with me.

Oh dear. The bed sharing is just hiding the other warning signs. I suspect he will eventually become a cocklodger due to him being unable to pay his way as all his money (and attention) will be on them. Run away OP, this has messy written all over it with a large stamp of "mug" waiting to be stamped on your forehead.

I’m so sorry you’re having to deal with such a bizarre situation OP.

He’s done you a favour by asking for a break - genuinely, let him take as much of a break as he wants. You’re not driving a wedge; your reaction is totally normal, and I doubt many women would feel entirely comfortable with this.

Fingers crossed he’ll take some time to reflect on whether he wants to prioritise continuing the creepy inappropriate hotel/sleeping arrangements with his daughter, if this negatively affects his ability to maintain his own adult relationships. But if it seems nothing is going to change, personally, I’d walk away. The whole thing is just too weird.

I don’t think twin beds cost more than a double.

I was going to say I find it hard to believe that they don’t know how weird it looks. But I just don’t believe they don’t know and that adds to the weirdness. I wouldn’t want to be anywhere near either of them, ever.

Really bloody odd and not normal. It’s something I discouraged my girls from doing when they were young. They are teens now and when they go on hols with their dad they share a room, girls get the double and he sleeps on the single or sofa bed!

Me and a male friend woukd regularly share a hotel room in our 20s. I can honestly say we’ve never had a problem booking or paying for twin beds.

This is weird. You know its weird and he’s trying to make you doubt yourself.

I would end it as there is no real solution to this problem.

It’s even more worrying that he pays them monthly but wants to move in with you.

So he gives them money each money whilst you have to sit at home knowing he’s in a trip with his DC avd sharing a bed? Absolutely no way.

You will never be prioritised or possibly even equal to his daughters .
You know the dynamics are weird and they know you know so they are unlikely to ever become your friends.
I imagine if you stay in this relationship there will be plenty more problems coming your way, and whatever you do don't move in with him, keep your finances and home completely independent.

Hia, thanks. It’s so sad. They are both clearly troubled people. Our relationship has been so good up until this point. Im not clear what has been requested over the years re the rooms. Guessing not that specific or important.

daughter must be incredibly immature.

I occasionally share a bed with my 20 year old DD when we travel if they don’t do twins. I could do it with my son too if in a pinch but would book him a separate room if no twin beds normally. They don’t like sharing with me because I snore!
I don’t think it’s appropriate and if they can’t afford separate rooms at least get separate beds (theory do not cost any more, but not all places have twins, so they would need to find out). But you separating because of it may help him figure out if it’s worth it to keep on doing it?
The money thing is not unusual, but you obviously feel he is being taken advantage of and if he has to chose between you and them you will never win.

Thanks for your help. Just an awful dilema for me as we get on so well.

"he sprung this current one on me as I had given him the chance to tell me if any more trips had been booked."

The bed sharing with an adult daughter would be a huge red flag for me too, but this jumped out.

You've told him it's weird and how you feel, so he kept a trip hidden from you till last minute in response. He doesnt respect you. Cut your losses before you get even more invested. Or before he moves in and has a claim on your property.

I’m sure it’s prob been an issue for previous partners too!

I guess they might not have found out though. With his mental health worries this could have ended things equally.

At first I thought you'd said 24 months old but it must be 24 years, no, that's really odd, I never wanted to share a bed with either of my parents, even when I was a kid.