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Relationships

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Original poster

Partner needs a lot of time to himself

40 replies

Maddreamer1 · 01/08/2025 22:43

I have been in a relationship for 10 months with my male partner. On the whole its been great and we are in love with each other. He lives about 25mins drive away. However, he seems to need a lot of space and I find this hard because I just want to spend most of my time with him. I've also noticed that the weekends I have my 14 year old son (he lives with his Father about 45% of the time) he tends to let me down and says he would like time to himself. But he seems to like being with me whenever I don't have my son. He has no children. I don't think he likes spending time with the three of us. Its hurting me. Just to say that I have no worries that he's cheating on me or anything like that. He video calls me when he wakes up and also in the evening, usually around 10pm.

I just don't know how to feel about the fact that he doesn't seem particularly interested in my son. Everything else is perfect and I don't want to lose him.

OP posts:

YetanotherNC25 · 01/08/2025 22:48

I don’t think he’s being unreasonable at all. It’s your job to parent your teenager not his and he’s entitled to his own space. He’s also entitled to not want to do family stuff with someone else’s kid when he doesn’t have his own.
10 months in is pretty quick to be wanting to to be with him all the time when you’ve a teenager.
See him in your free time, not all the time and perhaps take a step back. You sound very invested in him. More so than he is.

DorothyStorm · 01/08/2025 22:54

He isnt interested in your child. Ten months in I dint think he should have any contact with your child either.

NoCowardSoul · 01/08/2025 22:54

You shouldn’t have introduced him to your son yet!

I agree with @YetanotherNC25. Spend solo time with your teenager. You sound as if you want to rush everything.

BroccoliPizzas · 01/08/2025 22:56

You've only been together 10 months surely it's quite early days to play happy families with your son?

NuffSaidSam · 01/08/2025 23:00

Does your teen son particularly want to spend time with your new boyfriend?

I think the number of people who want to hang out with other people's teenagers is extremely small (and some of them have nefarious intent). I think 'adult man who doesn't particularly enjoy hanging out with teen boys' is a green flag tbh.

VeryQuaintIrene · 01/08/2025 23:03

I think it's fine for all the reasons PP have said. Also, maybe he's an introvert and really does need a bit of recharging time and sees the weekends when you are with your son as giving him that without disrupting your relationship one to one.

PeriPeriNightmare · 01/08/2025 23:03

You should be spending the weekends you have with your son just with your son at this stage of your relationship. And it’s only 10 months. Don’t rush things.

Original poster

Maddreamer1 · 01/08/2025 23:08

I think i worry because there are 2 weeks out of every 5 weeks that I have my son continuously. So that would mean not seeing my partner for 2 weeks. He's just going to end up getting fed up with that. Also, in the beginning, he wanted to make a lot of effort with my son but not anymore but his interest in me hasn't changed I don't think.

OP posts:

NuffSaidSam · 01/08/2025 23:11

Maddreamer1 · 01/08/2025 23:08

Surely, you can go out for dinner or something without your son? It doesn't need to be with your son or no contact at all.

DiligentStrawberry · 01/08/2025 23:13

I think you may have anxious attachment. You really mustn’t force your partner and son together and, even more importantly, you mustn’t make your son feel like a burden on the relationship.

SpryCat · 01/08/2025 23:13

He’s shown you he isn’t interested in spending time with your teenage son, it’s too early to blend your lives together. You’re more worried BF will get fed up that you have your son than realising this isn’t going to work as he he has no interest in your son whatsoever and how that will affect your son. Put your son first

Original poster

Maddreamer1 · 01/08/2025 23:14

NuffSaidSam · 01/08/2025 23:11

Surely, you can go out for dinner or something without your son? It doesn't need to be with your son or no contact at all.

Show quote history

I don't know, i feel weird leaving my son in the evening to go out for dinner....

OP posts:

cofffeeee · 01/08/2025 23:15

10 months is nothing really your still getting to know each other.
He dont want to be involved with your child yet.
You cant force it end of.

Im glad im single.

Original poster

Maddreamer1 · 01/08/2025 23:15

DiligentStrawberry · 01/08/2025 23:13

I think you may have anxious attachment. You really mustn’t force your partner and son together and, even more importantly, you mustn’t make your son feel like a burden on the relationship.

You're spot on....

OP posts:

NuffSaidSam · 01/08/2025 23:17

Maddreamer1 · 01/08/2025 23:14

I don't know, i feel weird leaving my son in the evening to go out for dinner....

Show quote history

It's probably time to start working on that then. Unless your DS has a development delay of some kind, he's well old enough to be left for a few hours by himself. He's fours year away from adulthood. It's a big jump to go from 'can't be on his own for a few hours of an evening' to 'independent adult' in less than four years. Start providing him some stepping stones.

PeriPeriNightmare · 01/08/2025 23:28

Maddreamer1 · 01/08/2025 23:08

i feel like he’s giving you space and time to spend with your son alone. And that is not a bad thing.

supercali77 · 02/08/2025 07:10

It sounds completely normal. For comparison, me and dp have been together 5 years, 40 minutes drive, we rarely see each other when we have our dc (both our kids are SEN).

I'd agree that at 14 you should be able to go out for dinner for a couple of hours or go over for a cuppa. Maybe try it once and see how it works out?

Zanatdy · 02/08/2025 07:15

I don’t see an issue with this. He clearly enjoys spending time with just you, as is normal really. Has he expressed an opinion on this? As i’d think he doesn’t want to be playing happy families at this point. If you only have your son fully for 2 weekends in 5 then spend this time with your son.

You have a lot of time to spend with your bf. As you say, he needs time to himself, so let him make his own plans those weekends. Sure you’ll both survive not seeing each other every weekend. You say he might get fed up, but i’d expect he would more likely get fed up of weekends with the 3 of you.

If you want someone who will play happy families then maybe he’s not the guy for you. Your son could be off in 4 short years, to uni etc. So just enjoy this 1-1 time with him.

TwistedWonder · 02/08/2025 07:19

I’m with your partner. You’re trying to force him into a relationship with your DS far too much too soon.
He’s absolutely reasonable to want space to himself and for you and your DD to have time together without trying yk shouting him into your dating life.

Honestly I think you should be keeping your dating and your family life separate at this stage with just occasional meet ups all together. I think your DP more likely to get fed up with being forced into playing step daddy to a teenager and with your nerdiness than having a few weekends apart.

BIWI · 02/08/2025 07:19

Sounds to me like you need to work on yourself here - you want to be with your partner all the time, and don’t want to go out without your son? I think you need to work on having time to yourself without dependence on other people.

Seriously. That level of need isn’t going to do you (or your relationship) any favours.

BCBird · 02/08/2025 07:23

Im a single female- no kids. If id been seeing someone for 10 months with a 14 yr old child, unlikely as honestly I would avoid such a set up, I would not be particularly interested in spending time as a 3 either. Enjoy ur time together and apart

SparklyGlitterballs · 02/08/2025 07:24

For whatever reason, your DP has decided he wants to spend time just with you, not as a 'family unit' with your son. For a relationship that's only 10 months old, that's a healthy thing. Your access time with your son should concentrate on him, not on him having to share you with a new man.

Very soon your son likely wont be around much anyway, as he'll want to be out with mates or girlfriends. Make the most of your time with him while you can. If your DP values the relationship then he'll wait for you. I agree with others that at 14 your son can be left for a few hours while you go out to dinner occasionally (not every weekend that you have him). He's not a baby.

Firstholiday · 02/08/2025 08:05

@Maddreamer1 I guess you are really close to your son and you would like your partner to take an interest. Personally I was the same, and my kids were younger. You probably loved that he took an interest before and now are a bit turned off/hurt. I would give it time and see how he behaves, people are right that 14 is older and your son will be doing his own thing soon enough. But if its important that he has a relationship with him, then mention it to your partner after a while, say a few more months.

Mine have a dad and I suspect my now ex didnt want to step in/jealous to step in. I think often blended relationships work well if the other parent isn't around. Then there is an easy gap to step into. When there is already a dad, there's no gap.

My ex started to resent that I only had weekends for him. He wanted more and we split up. He made an effort at first with the kids but then felt resentful about everything. He just couldnt see the bigger picture and that i was a mum first. Admittedly it was a turn off for me.

jubs15 · 02/08/2025 08:20

Your boyfriend chose not to have children of his own, so it's understandable that he doesn't want to spend his time with someone else's. He's fortunate that your son is old enough to be left on his own for a few hours (your son would probably love mum not being in the house!). If you had a toddler then he might not have entertained a relationship with you.

You only live 25 minutes apart from your boyfriend, so why you can't you offer to meet him - just the two of you - for something simple like a coffee or lunch? If he doesn't even want to do that then I would have concerns about his interest fading.

WhatNoRaisins · 02/08/2025 08:22

With your son being 14 I wonder if your partner is trying to hold out a bit until he's an adult. I also agree with PP that unless your son has additional needs he should be able to be left alone a bit in the evening.

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