Partner needs a lot of time to himself

[Maddreamer1]

I have been in a relationship for 10 months with my male partner. On the whole its been great and we are in love with each other. He lives about 25mins drive away. However, he seems to need a lot of space and I find this hard because I just want to spend most of my time with him. I've also noticed that the weekends I have my 14 year old son (he lives with his Father about 45% of the time) he tends to let me down and says he would like time to himself. But he seems to like being with me whenever I don't have my son. He has no children. I don't think he likes spending time with the three of us. Its hurting me. Just to say that I have no worries that he's cheating on me or anything like that. He video calls me when he wakes up and also in the evening, usually around 10pm.

I just don't know how to feel about the fact that he doesn't seem particularly interested in my son. Everything else is perfect and I don't want to lose him.

This. Do you have someone he can spend an evening with? Go to a friend’s house for an evening? Grandparents or family? If you were with his dad, the two of you would go out without him wouldn’t you?

I’d disagree with those who say it’s too soon to introduce them. If this man is going to be part of your life - then he’s got to at least rub along ok with your son. I think it’s down to how he sees your relationship going forward, I’m thinking of a friend who had a relationship for some years with a guy, they both had teenage kids. Saw each other once, twice a week. Both happy enough with their lives until kids grew up, went to Uni; She then thought they now had time and space to spend more time together, maybe move in together, he was like ‘actually I’m happy as things are’. So she walked, because she always wanted more.
So I’d say you should have an honest conversation about where you see this going before spending more time on it.

Your partner doesn't want to spend time with your son. Which is fine. You sound quite needy. Maybe you need to work on that. Your relationship is still new.

He’s not doing anything wrong and your are not doing anything wrong either. You just want different things. I don’t think you should be hurt that he doesn’t want to hang out with your son. I’d find it odd if he did TBH

I think you're looking at this the wrong way Op. Your BF needs lots of time to himself so he's happy to see you but doesn't want more than that, not everyone wants to live together or get involved with there DPs family. If you need a man whose fully onboard with becoming a stepdad this isn't the man for you

Agree with this. Especially as we get older, blending families or being involved with each others kids isn’t for everyone.

Maybe it’s time for a discussion OP in that regard - there’s no point carrying on in the hope one day you’ll be living together as a happy family if it’s not how he sees the future.

He’s only 25 minutes away! Can’t you meet for a walk and coffee in the morning before your son is awake? Or have a mid week sleepover? I do g understand the issue at all?

Im pretty sure your son won’t want to spend his weekends with your boyfriend though!

It's complicated! Unfortunately the divorce with his Dad was extremely contentious so we don't talk to each other at all and my parents live far away and I dont have any other family. But yes, I have left my son for a couple of hoirs here and there to do shopping etc but I feel like a bad person leaving him to go on a date. I think that stems from being in an abusive marriage sadly. But i'm getting there abd will start doing that just occasionally.

I have an anxious attachment style, yes. Stems from childhood. Seeing someone about it. Its very hard to shake off as its so ingrained.

As everyone else has said, you should just concentrate on your son when you have him and not involve your boyfriend. It’s fine to do things together occasionally, but doesn’t need to be all the time as you have time without your son. Also leaving him to go out in the evening is also fine. It’s part of parenting to prepare them for independence and adulthood. You can get his dinner before you go or teach him how to make something simple like pasta and he can make himself something.

What else is I'm your life other than your son and boyfriend? (I know partner is the term when older but in reality he is a boyfriend)

How long have you been single? I think you should enjoy your time with your son and feel delighted you have met someone who gives you space to have that mother/son relationship.

Is your son likely to go to Uni? If so play the long game...4 years slowly building a relationship as it takes at least 2 years before you genuinely know someone.

Im sure your son will be happy at home on his games for an hour if you were to nip out for coffee with the new guy. Do that a few times and build it up to an hour and a half. Keep your phone on ringer on the table beside you so if he phones you’ll hear it. He presumably goes out with his friends sometimes so why shouldn’t you go out with yours? Preferably on a might he’s at home safe or in a pals house safe so you won’t worry.

i think one day at the weekend (if neither of us had childcare that day) and a couple of nights during the week is all I’d want now from a guy.

10 months isn't a long time and I personally don't think he should be there on days you have your son. Let him have his downtime then and focus on your boy. It's not good to be constantly in each others pockets.

I have a couple of close friends but one lives quite far away and the other is always so busy with her own family. I work from home. I think the problem is i'm very lonely and feel isolated. I only moved here for my ex husband. We share custody so I can't move away at the moment.

This