Is it abuse or just a toxic relationship?

[Wonderingwanderer99]

Hi everyone,

I’m going through a really confusing and painful time in my relationship, and I’m struggling to name what’s happening. My partner and I have been together for a while, and while he has good qualities, there are patterns that leave me feeling tense, hurt, and constantly on edge.

Some things that happen regularly:

He dismisses or shifts blame when I bring up concerns.

He often criticizes my tone or language instead of addressing the issue.

There’s a lot of verbal belittling, sneering, and raised voices — sometimes insults. I raise my voice too sometimes.

He questions my boundaries and makes me feel like I have to justify myself constantly.

When things get rough, he sometimes acts nice or does small gestures, but the underlying issues aren’t resolved.

I feel anxious and confused a lot, second-guessing myself and my feelings.

I hide my frustration to avoid arguments, but then I feel emotionally distant and guilty.

Sometimes he accuses me of things like “bitching with my mum” or “not wanting to be in the relationship.”

He’s also been aggressive or intimidating at times — yelling in my face or goading me.

I’ve read about emotional abuse and control, and some of this sounds familiar, but I struggle with the idea because he’s “not a bad person” deep down — or at least, that’s what I want to believe.

I want to hear from people who might have been through similar experiences or who understand these dynamics:

Does this sound like emotional abuse or a toxic relationship?

How do you reconcile loving someone with recognizing harmful patterns?

What helped you see the truth clearly?

Thank you for any insights or support. I really need to feel less alone and more confident in understanding what’s going on.

I'm not sure that thinking about people as 'bad' or 'good' is helpful. Most people have a mix of good and bad qualities, think a mixture of good and bad things, and do a mixture of good and bad actions.
You are feeling "tense, hurt, and constantly on edge" and "anxious and confused" in this relationship. He belittles you and shouted in your face. Whether this is emotional abuse or a toxic relationship, it is not a good relationship for you to be in.
Leaving wouldn't mean that you haven't loved him or had wonderful times together. It wouldn't mean he's 'a bad person' with no lovely parts. It would just mean the way the relationship is now isn't doing either of you any good.

He's abusive.
Full stop

You want to cling to the idea that he's a good person. But like the previous poster said, people can be good or bad or anything in between. And in the end it doesn't matter.
What matters is what he's doing to you, and it's horrible.

Labelling can be useful - if putting something in a particular box means it’s easier to find the right tools to deal with it. But it’s not the most important thing - the important thing is recognising that the place you’re in now, is not where you want to be. You’ve done that, so now it’s ’will things change, or do I have to go?’
I must admit to scepticism about change, if only because of the number of threads here from women saying ‘he’s a good person BUT’ and ‘I thought things would get better’.
Things will only change, get better, if there’s positive action from both sides - maybe counselling would help?
And the ‘good person, but…’: Think of relationships as being like food. Macaroni cheese every day might be functional, but it’s dull. There’s a need for caviar and champagne days too. But below that, what’s the low point? If it’s beans on toast some days, sure you can deal with that (you have to deal with some downs if you want the ups as well). But if the low is a shit sandwich that positively makes you sick, it doesn’t matter how many champagne days you have, you need to eat somewhere else.
One way or another you’ve got to get the shit sandwich days out of your life.

I feel anxious and confused a lot, second-guessing myself and my feelings.

This is a sign of gaslighting. Do you want to record conversations to prove you're not going mad?

Sounds like he's using DARVO which is typical of someone who wants control rather than to resolve differences.

You're on two different wavelengths. He wants to maintain power and control and can't under any circumstances allow you the upper hand and you want the relationship to work and are doing what you can to sort things out.

He sees you as the enemy combatant, not a partner in a loving relationship. People stay with abusers because they think if they say or do the 'right thing' or understand how he works, he'll change. He won't and it often escalates.

"Does this sound like emotional abuse or a toxic relationship?"
"How do you reconcile loving someone with recognizing harmful patterns?"

To answer your first question, yes it does - very much so. You know this yourself otherwise you wouldn't be asking.

Your second question is more complex. Personally I wouldn't want to reconcile myself to "loving" someone with harmful patterns, although I know a lot of women do. Unfortunately those women usually find themselves years down the line detesting their partner and regretting the years they've lost - possibly with no escape. I would also question your definition of love. I rather suspect your situation is one of co-dependency where your partner has considerable control over you and you feel you won't find anyone better. Please separate this emotion from genuine love and caring. It really isn't.

Don't let him move in with you whatever you do.

We're married with a baby....

Ah.
Let me guess that he was lovely in the beginning of your relationship - that’s why you married him. And while you know his behaviour has become increasingly unpleasant over time you are holding out hope that he will revert back to how he used to be towards you. You just need to tiptoe around him enough. Also you want your baby to have a mum and dad who are together.
?

The typical explanation is that now he has you trapped in marriage with a child he is showing his true colours, namely a core belief that he is entitled to exert power and control over you as his partner. He knows you will find it hard to leave.
This is the real him, choosing to behave this way towards you. He won’t be treating friends, other family or work colleagues like this, although general signs of bigotry might leak out in his language occasionally when he forgets to play Mr Nice Guy.
Chances are he targeted you because you are a kind, caring, family oriented person who he has judged will tie herself in knots pleasing him to try to keep the relationship going.
To understand what is going on, Lundy Bancroft is your man. Author of Why Does He Do That and you can find interviews on YouTube aswell.

It’s like boiling a frog. Little by little you lose sense of what’s normal. You find yourself trying to keep the peace at your own cost, for the greater good (family, kids).

Put it this way, if your best friend behaved towards you like your own partner does, would you accept it? If someone behaved towards your daughter like he behaves towards you, would you think it’s ok, she must get on with things?

Don’t speak to me like that.
I’m not an appliance.
Respect is earned, not bullied into.

He sounds like a dick. Abusive. It’s not your place to educate, or appease him. He has no respect for you because he has no respect for himself.

You come across like a smart woman. Listen to your mum. You deserve better.

Thank you for this. You're right.

Yes exactly this.

He tells me I should want to keep a stable home for our baby and I need to try harder because according to him I make zero effort for the relationship. Especially when it comes to physical intimacy

It might be helpful to think of it as intermittent abuse. If he feels he's gone too far, then he'll put on the nice, concerned guy act to reel you back in. And however much effort you put in, it will never be enough. He'll always find something to criticise. Hope you can find the strength to leave. Good luck

Please phone Women’s Aid for a conversation. You also need their advice if you decide to leave so you can do it safely.
Take photos of important financial documents - pay slips, investments - or remove them and your passports to a safe place with a friend or family.
I would not make a big announcement to H but quietly plan, just in case.
In a divorce the expectation is you would receive 50% of assets. Also that H would have baby to visit regularly, up to 50% of the time. This can feel alarming because at least you are always around right now as a protective factor. Play it cool like you’re not bothered and H might not insist on 50% of the time.
Your mention of aggression and intimidation is particularly concerning - not good for you or baby’s development, living in a stressful environment where neither of you feel entirely safe.
It’s a complete dilemma but start with Women’s Aid.

A couple of days ago, I posted asking if my situation was abuse. I got a lot of responses saying it was, but I’ve been struggling to hold onto that clarity.

Since then, there’s been more of the same — physical intimidation, unsafe behaviour around our baby, ignoring my “no” during intimacy, and twisting conversations so the focus is back on his feelings instead of the behaviour I’m raising. He’s equated minor things I’ve done with much more serious actions of his, minimising the harm.

Even after moments where I’ve felt scared or violated, there’s no sustained repair — just a swing back to “things being fine,” which makes me doubt myself all over again. I have somewhere safe I could go, but a big part of me keeps saying I’m being dramatic.

I’m asking again — from the outside, would you still say leaving is the right move here?

Pack your stuff and go. You might find this helpful:
https://www.womensaid.org.uk/information-support/the-survivors-handbook/

The National Domestic Abuse helpline is available 24/7.

You're not being dramatic and it sounds like he's raping you. You're not safe. Please take your baby and leave.

I second that from what you write it sounds like he’s raping you if he’s ignoring you when you say “no”. Married or not, it’s a criminal offence.
What is your gut instinct telling you to do? If things don’t feel right they usually aren’t right.
Leaving is a really difficult decision and it has to be yours as you will need courage and safety planning. That is why you need advice and support around you first and information on if you might be able to apply for a restraining order. It’s good you have somewhere safe to go but please call Women’s Aid 0808 2000 247 first so you can leave safely. They are amazing. Abusive partners’ behaviour often escalates if they think their control of you is slipping away, it can be a dangerous time. There is help available. Click on
Get Help at womensaid.org.uk to search for your local domestic abuse services.
A final thought. If H is not behaving safely around baby then social services might become involved at some point when you could have to choose between him and keeping your baby anyway. As a parent you have a responsibility to keep your baby safe from harm.
Good luck, you can do this with support.
You are definitely NOT being too dramatic.

What more do you think needs to happen for you to leave because the only thing missing now giving the sexual abuse emotional abuse and physical threats is actually hitting

the question isn’t should you leave it is how and I think that needs to be done with care

'I’m asking again — from the outside, would you still say leaving is the right move here?'

Yes. Abusive partners are not usually full on monsters - there can be times when they are 'lovely' or where you have fun together. From what you described though, this man is flat out HORRIBLE to you a lot of the time. Gaslighting you, using the baby to blackmail you, disrespecting you, pushing you, trampling all over your needs and wants and boundaries. What would you think if a friend described her relationship in these terms? What advice would you give her?

You do not have to live like this. You are worth so much more than this. None of his behaviour will get better, it's likely to get even worse. It's not normal, healthy or ok

It might be helpful to share more about your situation to get some practical advice on leaving. Yes leaving as soon as realistically possible is a good idea. You need to be very clear and firm about it in yourself too. All kinds of behaviour will erupt from him when you do. He may start to lay on the charm very thick, to get you back. Be certain if you do go back it will be much worse than before, his controlling behaviour will ramp up and it will feel less safe than ever. Or he might just go straight to utter nightmare spending his days thinking of ways to hurt you, probably using your child and the law to enable this. But the sooner you get away the stronger and more intact both of you will be on the long run.
Plan the practicalities well, money, housing, work, childcare. You might need to play for time to do this before leaving. Get it all in place as best you can. Use this forum for advice on how to manage him, lots of women here have been through similar. Keep the end goal in mind - a peaceful, safe, happy home for you and your child to thrive in.

Without doubt you should leave this absolute animal.

Yes, leave to your safe place to go.

OP, the man you love is the one he showed you in the beginning. However, in relationships, it's not about how they start, it's about what they continuously show. Don't let the person he ONCE WAS be the reason you let yourself keep getting hurt by the person he has become. His behaviour is abusive and it seems like he keeps showing you this. Life is too short to be stuck in a miserable relationship. Be thankful for the good memories you once made, but don't let them be what keeps you there, being abused further.

I'm leaving.

He doesn't know that it's leaving. He thinks I've accepted his previous idea about going to families' place for space.

He made me agree to talk about it in a week. I was supposed to at the weekend but we had a heated argument and now I've said I'm going today.

Well done @Wonderingwanderer99 . You're doing the right thing. Please be prepared for a mix of crying / pleading / promising a whole big change of you just agree to come back, and threats / harassment / nasty behaviour. Please lean hard on the good people that you have around you. It will be a tough road but you are so worth it. Best of luck to you