Confidence crisis or just the reality of OLD?

[rubberduck68]

I'm late fifties, a size 16-18 (14 stone). I previously fluctuated between a curvy, well proportioned size 12-14 … then I took HRT (started it years after menopause so defo HRT weight.) Came off it months ago, but cannot lose the weight. 1200 cal diets, no carbs, exercise, etc. GP said that some women just can’t lose the weight. I passed my recent health check-up with flying colours so that is good. I changed my OLD profile pics to full length ones at new weight. Not had one match since! I dress well, have a good job, nice family and friends, interests. My friends are all coupled up, and keep reassuring me that I am still lovely, which is why I want to ask on here because well intentioned friends are kind but not always truthful. I am wondering if I am at the end of the dating road with my new wide load? Brutal honesty very welcome (but maybe with a half spoon of sugar)!

I don't want to be that person that says lower your standards, because that's awful advice and I think usually women have relatively fair assesments on what they want from men. If anything it's usually too low xD

But, how to explain this... Umm.. ok I hate to use ratings but just for ease of explanation: Looks alone (because you don't see much of personality on online dating and let's face it, lots of people -men- don't even read bios) I normally put myself about a 6 out of 10 on a good day. But some things have happened lately and ATM I'm probably more like a 4 currently.

Now normally, I'd go for men -i see as- 6s and 7s. And stand a fair chance. Now I am STILL attracted to men who are 6s and 7s. But right now I doubt they would be into me based on my looks alone (which we've established is what we use for online dating).

The only way I'd date a 5 (in my opinion) looks wise would be if say, they were already in my life somehow and their personality grew on me over time. If their personality is solid then why not. But I'm not picking him on online dating.

So right now, until I get to where I want to be, I'm not dating. Firstly because I'd struggle to find what I like who would also like me. And also, because I would probably feel like I was punching out of my weight class too far if I did. And you don't want that on dates, you want to be confident.

I would take a recent picture, rate yourself and look at the profiles you swipe on. If they are more than 2 points above, they probably aren't going to be into it (of course this is a generalisation). Find out your general rating for who you are attracted to and ask yourself how close they are to the current rating you give yourself.

Now of course this isn't foolproof. We can overestimate and underestimate. And my 4 might be someone else's 6. But it's a place to start.

And again I'm not telling you to lower what you want. Just to be realistic about whether or not it's -currently- achievable. And, in a way where you would feel comfortable going in dates with these men.

Oh and I dunno if you've tried yet but slimming world and actually going to the in person meet ups really helped me shift the weight when I needed. I never seem to lose it without the group meetings.

1200 calories sounds very low OP, are you sure it's not too little and your body is just hanging on the weight? However re dating not all men are looking for slim women, a lot prefer someone bigger. Back yourself and be proud of your figure in your dating profile. Also choose a site where you can write to someone rather than having to match first... If these still exist?

I genuinely don't believe there are many people who can't loose weight (in a healthy way) given the right balance of diet and exercise. Your GP is probably not the right person to talk to on this and, having seen my sister's lack of success with [well known diet/exercise regime], those classes are no more geared to people stopping paying for their services than OLD sites are.
There is almost certainly someone who can help. If you can justify the cost, have you looked at a personal trainer? One to one has a different dynamic to solo programs and group classes.

As for OLD, the reality is that everyone swipes based on looks to some extent and there's nothing wrong with that, because we all want to be with someone we're attracted to and if we're starting on a screen, it's inevitable. For those of us who haven't stepped off the pages of Vogue, OLD may not be the best way to find a life partner.

When I was OLD, I used to post not great but not awful pictures of myself. Why? Because I would rather be rejected at the photo/don't know you stage than when we met in person. Many times, I got comments like, 'Oh, wow, you look much better in person.' Lol. I wouldn't lie, I would wait it out or perhaps try different sites.
You sound like you want to lose weight (or I wouldn't say it at all) but your story of not being able to lose sounds like mine -- I'm now on Mounjaro and have dropped 5 kg in a month.

Weight loss injections? Ive lost 2stone so far.

however, there is nothing more sexy than a curvy woman with the right clothes/hair/general style and confidence

there is a group on facebook that my friend told me about called the adventure singles. They do regular meet ups in person across the country which could be an alternative to the dire old

Personally, I wouldn't match with an overweight person. As well as not finding it attractive, I take health and fitness seriously and would expect a partner to do the same. It's important that profile pictures are accurate, as this avoids wasting people's time if we turn out to be quite different in real life.

It's impossible not to lose weight if we maintain a calorie defecit. Many dieters under estimate how much they are consuming, so it might pay to keep a food diary.

Jumping on the Mounjaro train here.
25kg down in 22 weeks, and counting...

And let's face it. Mounjaro isn't magically slimming down my body. I've just stopped eating poorly thanks to the Mounjaro. And I can honestly say that every diet I've 'tried' in the past, where I complained that I was trying to hard and never seemed to lose any weight, well I wan't really following through.
I quit after a few days
I gave myself cheat days and other excuses not to stick with the diet.
I downplayed how many calories I actually ate.
Ate the wrong kinds of calories and then hid behind them.

Anyway... I can't comment on the OLD situation and the photo's. But I did agree with the post about either being open to dating someone in your 'range', or work on the way you look before jumping back into the dating pool. Not because there's anything wrong with you as you are, but because you'll feel better about yourself and give off another vibe as well.

I’m a man, so my perspective might be different (though I can’t say how typical it might be): Looks wise, I’m not expecting Kylie, but I wouldn’t settle for Ann Widdecombe. It’s just ‘could I fancy this person, would I want to kiss her?’
I wouldn’t swipe right on anyone who wasn’t smiling.
If they can’t be bothered to write anything interesting on their profile I won’t bother. Signs of humour and intelligence help (a lot)!
If they’re a vegetarian cat lover who likes spending their holidays sitting by a pool, it’s unlikely that a dog owning omnivore who needs to be active, out and about, is going to be a good match. So while I’m not looking for someone so alike we end up in matching M&S pyjamas (the thought makes me shudder) we shouldn’t be too far apart in terms of what we like and enjoy.
Basically, there could be loads of reasons you’re not getting matches from the men you’d want, without seeing your profile I wouldn’t like to guess, but for me, someone who’s smiling and looks happy in themself, is a pretty good start!

I was sat in the bar with my 45 year old friend, Im 53 for context and a size 14. We both opened POF. Her phone bleeped with 8 suitors in the age range of 50-55 and my phone never bleeped at all.
It's not always how you look, but down to your age on dating apps.
There are men who adore curves.
Just enjoy life and someone will pop up.

I’m really surprised by this. I’m a cat loving veggie who loves lounging by the pool in a bikini on holiday. Married to a dog loving omnivore who loves exploring. I even buy us matching pj at Xmas 😂. I would never consider those would be relationship deal breakers!

I’ll be brutally honest- age and size make your dating pool much smaller. If you have an exceptionally pretty face ( good with make up) and hourglass figure - it’s less of an issue. Lovely personality is the last thing men are looking for an OLD. We are just visual objects on the market to attract an initial interest.

I have no idea what number I am! I think I’m probably average looking, and I don’t go for men who look like supermodels, I suppose I do like a quite good looking man. Not sure I’d want to go out with someone who isn’t? Body wise, I’m oddly not that fussy. I’ve dated thin men and overweight men - I tend to go more for face and personality… I’ll give this some thought though, interesting.

Thank you for all the responses. I have had a personal trainer, and dietician/nutritionist. I would say that some changes have occurred in that I have toned up a bit, but most of my weight went on around my middle, which I’m told is very typical with hormonal weight increase, and so although my bum and legs look more trim I look like I’ve swallowed a massive inflatable beach ball!! I think HRT has changed my body shape beyond recognition: massive breasts now (gone up three cup sizes) no idea what to do with those udders - thought they would go after coming off HRT but haven’t, and really big belly which looks ridiculous with my naturally slim legs! As I’m typing this I don’t think it’s my weight that I’m anxious about, it’s the complete change in my body shape, I don’t know how to dress it. I don’t think it looks very good on me and I can’t seem to change it. Anyone who has had a lot of success with losing hormonal weight around the middle I would love to hear from you.

As for the dating, if I get another match, I’ll let you know how it goes!

OP, just an observation…you talk down yourself a bit too much. You also seem very resistant to change and PPs suggestions.
Have you tried therapy? There is a Jack for every Jill, however you need to pump up your confidence.
re weight loss: yes, it’s difficult to lose it as we grow up but we still can. There is definitely sth you are doing wrong.

I agree that I must be doing something wrong, I’m just not sure what it is! I’m very welcome for change, would really like it but I expect it’s about finding that one thing that works, and calorie deficit and moving around more on their own are not working for me. My GP said I don’t weigh enough to get the NHS injections? I also have two quite big dogs, and walk everywhere so it’s not like I’m inactive 🤷‍♀️ I suppose if I’m being hard on myself it’s because before taking HRT I could lose weight really quickly by eating less and moving around more and now that doesn’t work!

Hi OP. If I were you, I think I’d book a session with a personal shopper at John Lewis. It sounds like you could do with a helping hand for some wardrobe staples. And with the right clothes, you will naturally feel more confident.
Best of luck!

I’m on the road to being open to OLD so am taking the day today to do as much research as I can.
Having read your post surely not every bloody man is after the stick thin woman?

im not skinny but am toned and work out regularly because I enjoy it. I would never change my looks or personality for some bloke, if that means I stay single, then so be it.

You can lose the weight.
It's a combo of the right food and exercise.
You need to stick at it and lose a small amount like 1lb a week.
Post-meno fat distribution does change but that doesn't mean you can't shift it.

I've a close friend who's lost a stone in 5 months (she's mid 60s) by mainly eating 2 healthy meals a day, (brunch and dinner) walking and swimming almost daily.

I suggest you go lo-carb to 50gms a day or less, up the protein, fruit, veg, dairy.
It's VERY hard to count calories accurately. You're possibly getting more than you think.

Have you tried the 5:2 diet?

No, you don’t need to be a stick insect! I’m sure there are some men who prefer that, just as some will prefer the opposite. And plenty of us who aren’t really too bothered about height or weight - I get more switched on by a good brain. Just be yourself, don’t let it stress you out.

@Bittenonce have said it already but a personality dating app needs to exist.

@Hibiki it’s a romantic idea - but even Roxane only fell in love with Cyrano when she thought he looked like someone else. It’s a first filter, that’s all - you’ll have to apply the filter at some stage so why not do it early? Is there any difference between finding out someone looks awful and dresses worse, or finding that they’re impoverished and still living with their mother? Both would probably be hard stops for most people, so it’s easier to walk soon rather than after you start feeling emotionally committed.

Do you know what @Bittenoncei hear you and I think that’s what I’m getting at but not articulating well. I want that whole falling for the soul before the looks as I believe, or WANT to believe that looks won’t matter once I’ve got to know him on a deeper level.

also, fell in love with my ex looks first then personality so this has a lot to do with it also 😂

@Hibiki
also, fell in love with my ex looks first then personality so this has a lot to do with it also 😂

Aha - The truth will out!

Never lower standards and believe in yourself and do hobbies you love and see the people you want to see and it will happen one day when you get talking to someone randomly, if its meant to be.
I am late 50s and having made many incompatible choices and had low self esteem. I didnt know I was autistic until last year and presently on a cancer journey.
Id love a companion . However id like a good Christian man, someone who has a good relationship with friends and family and is happy to pray together to me. I dont want a smoker and like someone who likes a quiet life with strolls and afternoon tea.
Would I lessen what I want ..no im afraid not..not anymore, I once had the morals of an alley cat and I now know who I am and finally like me. So, I have the idea like, he's either out there or he isnt.
Not sure if that helps or not.
But be you, enjoy you.