Husband lied about being with a prostitute

[MyQuaintLife]

I am torn with emotions. My husband of 2 years has just told me he slept with a prostitute a long time ago. We used to go out when we were in our late teens but broke up as we were too young, and didn't reconnect until after I separated from my ex husband 20 yrs later. He's aware of the reasons of our separation; domestic abuse and until now he has always been my safe space and best friend. I thought we'd always been honest with each other.
We were watching a documentary about prostitution and he just came out with it, telling me his old workmates goaded him into it and he went through with it and felt disgusted with himself afterwards. He says he's never done it again.
The main issue for me is that we discussed our previous sexual partners, this was important to me as my ex cheated frequently and I had an STI check after our marriage ended. I had also asked him directly if he had ever paid for sex and he said no.
So this revelation was a bolt out the blue. I didn't really know how to respond, I froze inside. This is the day after and I'm angry that he didn't tell me sooner, I feel betrayed. Knowing that he has lied and we're now married.
All I've said today is that I was shocked to learn of this and asked him if there's anything else he wants to tell me, if there are any more skeletons in his closet.
I found it very difficult to trust and love again and I don't want to throw our marriage away but I'm not sure if I can trust him again, this is quite major for me. I feel broken. Is it normal to feel this way?

I'd say your reaction is normal. Only you can figure out if you can trust him in what he says.

My exh used prostitutes. I thought this may have only been a brief period when we split up but seems he has carried on in his subsequent relationships. I now suspect he's done it all his adult life.

Maybe some men do it once and don't like it. It would be a deal-breaker for me though, even if it was a one off.

Actually when I say mye xh did it when we split up...he did it in our marriage too...what I meant was ..when he was unhappy towards the end. I thought that's when it started. I don't think so now. Reckon he did it throughout or at least off and on. He is a vile misogynist but hid it well.

I don’t get why people ask about ex partners! It’s not their business or yours.It can only lead to arguments and resentment jealousy ect.Ive been married 40 years and we have never spoken about ex partners,I know she had a few boyfriends and I was married before but she’s never asked anything at all.Weird

I understand the initial shock, I do.
And you have every right to have your own moral framework and wish to surround yourself with people who allign with your values.

However, I think that after the shock has faded, it's equally important to look at the context of what he did. Because people do change. And sometimes people do stupid things when they are younger, which they would never repeat as they have matured.
The key elemens here are:

• How long ago was it?
• Was it a recurring thing?
• Does he show regret/remorse?
• Did he learn/take away anything from the experience?
• Can you say that he's a different person today?
• Were there extenuating circumstances?

From your story I can't gather how long ago it was, but on every other level he seems to be a different person now who wouldn't be put in the same situation a second time.

The conversation that does need to be had, is about why he didn't feel comfortable sharing this in the first place.
I agree with one of the previous posters that people don't have to share every sexual experience they've had with their new partner. But the correct response when asked in that case is to say that this is part of their private past and they don't feel comfortable sharing that. Not to lie and deny having those experiences.

I think the fact he is blaming his workmate for " goading" him to having sex with a prostitute is very worrying.

It makes him sound like a weak man with no mind of his own. The type who goes to a strip club with his mates on a stag do because he doesnt want to be seen to say no, or has a lap dance because his mate's " pressurise" him into it.

If he can be " goaded" into buying sex from.a woman , even if he was young at the time, either he basically wanted to do it anyway or he is weak.

I suppose the question is that even if you can get past the thought of bought sex with some woman - who probably had no option but to sell herself to him and many many others - do you think he is now a different person?

For those commenting on why discussions were had about previous partners, have completely missed the part about my previous trauma. My husband and I mutually and openly (or so I thought) discussed this topic right at the start and it's never been visited again until now.

Although I don't agree with what he did, he was young and stupid. My main issue is keeping that part from me then deciding telling me randomly 2 years after we're married! So more of a trust issue than anything else.

Yes OP.i would really wonder about why he chose to disclose this at this juncture.
And I really would wonder what other revelations about him that are yet to come.
I also don't buy the " he was very young" excuse. What other abhorrent behaviour would you forgive because " he was very young" - theft, murder? If he was old enough to have sex with a prostitute he was old enough to have a view on prostitution.

I think it screams volumes about how he sees women regardless of whether he did it again or not.

It is far more common than most women realise. Most men will have paid for sex in some capacity, at some point. Be it online or with a sex worker.

He would have found it hard to answer this when put on the spot by you previously so it’s unsurprising he said no instead of yes. He’s told you now, and it’s something that happened only once a long time ago. I don’t think it needs to be anything more than that.

A good man would not be ‘goaded’ into fucking a prostitute, and the fact he’s attempted to justify it speaks volumes. What does this tell you about him as a person?

I’m not surprised you’re upset.

Not being funny but he slept with a prostitute years ago when you weren't together and now you're thinking your marriage might be over? Sorry but that's a huge overreaction. I understand that you've got issues because of your ex but if you let this kill your marriage you're only going to make yourself unhappy in the long run

Not an overreaction at all and as I've stated before it's more of a trust issue. If you haven't experienced trauma, you wouldn't understand unfortunately.

Most men? How on earth do you come to that conclusion? I doubt very much most men have paid for sex in the past.

I 100% agree. Selling yourself as become such a culture, many women do it to satisfy their own needs and some enjoy making a lot of money from sites such as only fans etc. However I have no idea about the woman in question and given it was around 18 years ago, perhaps not for those reasons but who knows.
I'm just concerned why he's decided now to tell me and could there be anything else.
It's hard to say I can trust him and move on as the trust has been broken. Time will tell

I understand your trust issues but he wasn't with you when he did it and he's finally admitted it. If it's a good marriage then surely you want to save it. And I've had plenty of trauma so I do understand

I understand you have been through trauma and now have some resulting trust issues.
However let's be clear about something.
He did not cause your trauma. He is not responsible for your trauma in any way.
If your trauma is causing you to react overly emotional or overly sensitive in your relationship, or if your trauma is causing you to experience something as a huge break in trust when it doesn't have to be, then that's a problem you need to be dealing with.
You're turning your trauma and your trust issues into a problem where the burden lies on him. That's an upside down reality. He doesn't have to be held to an impossible standard because you have trust issues.
He gets to be human and he gets to make mistakes and learn from them and he gets to do something nearly 2 decades ago without it being held against him in a 2-year marriage.

And while I certainly empathise with the trauma you've been through, I am respectfully saying that your trauma doesn't give you the right to pay the injustice forward.

Now I'm not saying to just let this slip past you and never to mention it again. It certainly warrants a conversation about why he chose to tell you now but chose to withhold it before. But a conversation is not a trial and the punishment for a wrong answer isn't blowing up your whole marriage.

Whilst I can understand why you are upset I wouldn't throw a good marriage away over this. He made a mistake not telling you but I can understand why he didn't. There are things I have done in the past that I would not want to share with my current partner and if he asked me directly (he never would), then I might lie if I was caught on the spot. In part because I don't think we have a right to know everything that someone did before we knew them. However, I can see that if this issue is particularly important to you then you would feel betrayed that he deceived you.

I think she might be including things like Only Fans etc but I would be surprised if 'most' is accurate.

I don't know, I remember my ex and his friends were always going to strip clubs and the other girlfriends (all MC professionals) seemed oblivious. He only told me because I saw his bank statements.

And I remember overhearing two bankers chatting about how utterly weird it was that their colleague didn't use prostitutes and sleep with junior female members of staff. Like that made him the deviant and odd member of the team

Plus hoardes of young people aren't making money on Only Fans out of one or two sleazy old men.

Thanks for your opinion but let me be clear, I am aware who caused my trauma and so is my husband. I do not hold him to "impossible standards". He broke my trust by not telling me. I think anyone who just found their partner had slept with a prostitute would feel the same.

Yes. Most men. I believe most men, in western society, have paid for sex work in some shape or form at some point. As I said this could be online or in person.
And I think generally women are pretty oblivious to how widespread it is. Like porn use.
It isn’t something men openly admit to, generally. So when we find out it is very upsetting.
But if you think your partner doesn’t watch porn or has never paid for some sort of sexual gratification… you’re likely to be wrong.
And I’m not saying that makes it ok - I’m just saying it is common. A common mistake or a common habit.

@Girlmom35 I agree.

The way I read it is that when you first discussed it he panicked and didn't want to tell you, and then when you watched the programme he remembered and felt safer sharing it. It's worth asking him and discussing it, and saying how you feel. I can understand worrying what else would come out of the woodwork but maybe if you talk you can get a feeling for how likely this is. Maybe counselling?
Would you have been ok with it if he had told you before? Could he have hidden it because he thought you'd assume he was like your ex?
18 years ago things were really different, groups of lads would go to strip clubs and trips to Amsterdam and of course there are social pressures for young people (presuming he was young) and many mistakes to be made.

I don’t believe that most men have paid for sex. However I do believe that those who do, don’t do it just once. It’s addictive and once they start, they don’t stop - ever. My BiL is 65, has been using prostitutes for at least 30 years (that he’s admitted to) and since being found out, is now open about it and has no intention of stopping. Men who do this don’t believe it’s wrong, don’t feel guilty so why would they stop?
In essence, I believe men are in two camps - those who do and those who don’t and there’s not much crossover between the two.

I understand it's not an easy thing to hear.

I have posted several replies already and each time I've said you absolutely should address the fact that he withheld this information.
I can imagine that this feels like a break in trust. That's what lying does in a relationship. That warrants a conversation.

However, you're overreacting and generalising when you say things like
"You haven't been through trauma so you wouldn't understand" or
"Every woman who found this out would feel this way"

You can't really come to an anonymous advice board and then invalidate everyone who disagrees with you or confronts you with something you don't like to hear. Well, you can, but what's the point. You came here for opinions. And it turns out that a lot of people are telling you that in this specific context we would be careful not to jump to extreme conclusions about your whole marriage because of something that happened so long ago.

So to address the generalisation...
I know a lot of women who have been traumatised, but who don't wave that as a flag to expect their partners to adhere to certain standards that otherwise wouldn't be imposed. I'm one of these women.
I know a lot of couples who have found out things about each others' sexual past and didn't like what they heard, but who chose not to blow it out of proportion.

So again. Yes, absolutely address the fact that he didn't feel comfortable sharing this information when it was asked. And as a couple, look for a way to increase the sense of safety when sharing delicate information, so he doesn't feel the need to lie anymore.
But in doing so, let's stay in touch with what actually happened. He lied, once, over something that happened decades before he met you. You've got a good one. Don't let your emotions ruin it.

I'm not invalidating everyone's responses, just yours! I will not be told that I'm overreacting, or being over-sensitive! There are quite a few other people who have confirmed they would have reacted the same as me.
How patronising to tell me I have a good one?! You dont know us! Please don't respond, you've taken your comments too far.