Boyfriends comment about only fans

[Libraryofscent]

I might be overreacting about this one.

My new boyfriend, who I've been with for 8 months, is amazing. He treats me well and I’m very happy.

Last night, we somehow ended up talking about only fans. I wouldn’t have one myself, but I don’t judge others who do. We started talking about couples who do it (mainly the woman), and I asked him how he’d feel if I had one. I’m not planning to make a profile, just curious.

He mentioned that he wouldn’t like it if my profile was local, meaning friends or people we know could see it, but if I wanted to advertise it in another country or to strangers, he wouldn’t care. For some reason, this really upset me. I guess I was hoping he’d say, “No, I wouldn’t want anyone else to see you in an intimate way.” I appreciate that he’s not controlling, but it made me feel a bit crap that he wouldn’t care if some random bloke was pleasuring himself to a nude photo of me.

I can’t really be mad at him since I asked and he was just being honest. But honestly, it’s made me feel pretty shit.

I’d feel the same as you.

Yep. He's happy for other men to objectify you but not anyone he knows.
It's feels like an 'enlightened' response but it's not is it? It fundamentally says at the heart of it your body is a commodity that men can buy.

You make having OF sound near enough akin to having a Facebook profile?!

I would totally find it awful if my partner used it or wanted to be on it or encourage me to do so.

I guess maybe I'm more of a prude. But I bet he wouldn't like it if you did start selling dirty videos to a bunch of onanistic strangers.

Overreaction, Op. Massively so. Plus, if you might not like the answer don't ask pointless questions. Are you young?

Poor guy can’t win.

If he’d said he wouldn’t like it then he’s controlling.

If he says he’s ok ish with it then he doesn’t care about you.

It’s not a fair question at all.

I know it’s not the same as having a Facebook profile, but it’s pretty common nowadays. Many women have one and see it as a job.

He hasn’t pushed me to create one or anything, but I don’t think he’d care if I did. Well, it looks that way based on his response anyway.

Yep, this is what I was going to say

seems like you were setting him up to fail no matter what he said

Yeah I agree, not a fair question. Also, as you asked the question he may have felt obliged to answer in an open minded kind of way as he may not have wanted to sound controlling. You put him in a position and now you’re mad at him for it. And it’s not even a real thing, just theoretical. You’re not really going to
open an OF account and he can’t know how he would really feel about it. Give the poor guy a break.

We're both 30. He has no idea it bothered me. I just laughed it off when he answered and changed topics.

Agree with this

Hasn't pushed you to create one, obviously not, he answered a silly hypothetical question with a silly hypothetical answer, pointless conversation.
You are dramatic.

.

Plenty of OF girls will have boyfriends.

He probably didn't want to come across as controlling, as it's your choice what you do with your body.

I wasn't trying to set him up to fail. We just started talking about it, and I was curious about how he’d feel if it was me. He has no idea it bothered me, and I haven't made him feel guilty because I understand he was just being honest.

Poor guyyyyy
probably didn’t want to say NO YOU ARE MINE AND ONLY MINE because like you say 8m is really not that long and he probably can’t read your mind just yet 🙄 you just set him up to fail essentially

Well yes I know that. This was in response to another posters comment.

You see it as a common thing nowadays and in your OP said you dont judge women who have an OF account, so is he not basically saying he wouldn't judge either? If your cool with it why cant he be?

Yep, this.

It's obviously not the kind of question that would be asked by somebody who would never go on OF - just like a law-abiding person would never even think to ask their partner how they'd feel if they robbed a bank - so the only logical conclusion he could reach was that you were considering it.

Thus, whilst trying not to dictate to you what you could do, he was obviously wanting to mitigate the natural fall-out from such a choice.

He wasn't saying at all that he IS happy if you want you to sell your 'content' to strangers in foreign countries; just that he absolutely ISN'T happy at the prospect of you doing so where people who might know you could see it.

Just like when husbands tell their wives that they want to cross-dress and their wives ask them to only do it at home or in another town 100 miles away - it's a 'compromise' and seeking to mitigate the damage and the resulting embarrassment.

It means he thinks that women close to him should
be pure but other women are meat for sexual objectification

classic male misogyny - not unusual but vile all the same

he values you according to how you reflect on him and his control of you

What I meant is that I don’t pass judgment on other couples for their decisions, as that is their prerogative in their relationship. However, I would feel uncomfortable if my partner had one.

And what does 'pure' mean?

Ok @spraywhitedung seems to explain it well just a few posts up

I'd probably have had the same reaction to your partner to be honest. I just don't really do sexual jealousy.

I'd be absolutely devastated if DP had an affair, but it'd be because of the emotional connection, and the lying about it, not because of the fact she'd had sex with someone else. If she wanted to have sex with someone else, and discussed it with me beforehand, then to be honest she'd have my blessing.

So I really couldn't see me getting worked up about an Onlyfans account. If she wants to get her kit off for other people, then that's up to her.

How do you feel about the fact he'd be ok with you using dildos and stuff for strangers? It could really adversely affect your relationship I'd imagine.
But if you never would and you're not fussed about it then I guess just move on from the whole topic.

If you go through life determined to see the worst in people, please bear in mind it's likely to have a negative impact on your own mental health.