Child Maintenance - What would you do?

[Mumof2studentnurse]

Long story short - My husband cheated on me, left me for this person back in April. I worked 2 jobs/7 days a week trying to pay off our debts and build a nice life for our kids - he had the affair with someone who works at one of those jobs, so I've had to resign from that job, even though i had been there for 20 years.

In April, May, June he was posting photos of them on social media, emailing me telling me how great she was and how awful I was. Calling me a fat, lazy mum. Just being vile. Refused to give me any equity from the house (I have a solicitor who has made it clear to him that i'm entitled to 50% so all that is being handled)

Since the day he left he has never offered to pay a single penny for the kids. No clothes, food, school clothes, activities. I have now moved out of the house and have a new house with my kids. He kept ignoring me when I would email about maintenance so i eventually contacted CMS and he was due to give his first payment for the kids tomorrow.

I suspected he wouldnt, so i emailed him last night asking if he will be making the payment and he said no, said he can't afford it. (But I know he drinks every single night and has money for new clothes/nights out with his girlfriend)

So my question is - Do i report it to CMS that he hasn't paid? If I do that, it will mean he will need to pay an extra 20% every month as a fee to CMS because they will change the way his payments are taken - CMS will also deduct 4% from me as a fee too, so my kids will end up with less. But 96% of something is better than 100% of nothing.

I want to keep the peace (I don't know why, probably because I loved him for 15 years so it's hard to just stop).

He said in his email last night that he wants to 'come to an agreement' - ive asked him what he is proposing, but he's not replied.

Come to an agreement my arse.

100% report him for not paying.

Report to CMS, and if I was you I would tell him that the time for “coming to an agreement” has long passed.

You need to just report him, you’ve started the process with CMS so it doesn’t make sense not to see it through. There is no agreement to be made, it’s being handled by CMS.

Report to cms. You’ve come this far. Tell him the time for an agreement passed a long time ago.

you won’t get anything from him if you do nothing.
sorry you’re going through this op

Thanks. I feel so stupid even asking the question. I know i need to report him. I just sometimes can't believe who he has become. He is not the person i married. I dont know why im still trying to make his life easy. He has turned my life and my kids lives upside down, all for his own selfishness. So i think i need to tap into that pain and report him instead of letting him off the hook and trying to help him. All he has done is make my life harder.

Is he self employed? I thought it was just taken directly from the wages of those employed.

This IS the person you married - he just hid it for 15 years.

No, hes not self-employed. So the way it was set up is that he would just transfer the money to my bank account. But if he doesn't do that and I let CMS know, they move him to 'Collect and Pay' where he pays them instead of me and then CMS send me the money - but he will incur a 20% fee and I will lose 4% too. Things were really bad for a while, his emails and texts were vile and It really impacted me, so now that things have settled, I feel like im going to cause issues again - but I also know that I can't just let him live his lovely life for fear of his reaction when his kids are being financially impacted.

My exh is also due to make the first CMS ordered payment tomorrow - I bet he also won’t 🤣

I agree that the time for making an agreement has passed. It’s through CMS now. Hold the line! Tell him if he doesn’t pay tomorrow you’ll ask for it to be moved to the collect and pay arrangement which will cost him 20% more.

The CMS will have worked out what is reasonable according to his income, they don’t just pull the number out of thin air, so ignore him if he says he can’t afford it.

If there is any opportunity for him to become self-employed, come to an agreement with him - too much opportunity to cheat. Also, , is he likely to try for 50:50 to save cash?

Otherwise, tell him what will happen (the 20% add-on) if you go again to the CmS and give him a week

Send him one final email about it and tell him you'll let them deal with it and he'll have to pay the 20% if he doesn't.

Also get a parenting app for communications. If he's vile again you can keep it as evidence as nothing can be deleted.

@angelinawasrobbed He wont be able to go self-employed. He has had the same job for 20 years and no other skills, qualifications, desire to do anything else.

He originally said he wanted 50/50 (and yes, it was to try and save money) but then he realised that this would impact his social life too much, so he soon changed his mind about that.

I did tell him in the email last night about the 20% fee - My email was really nice (too nice) but his reply was all about him and how his outgoings are high. I know how much he earns and I know how much the bills are, so i know how much he has left at the end of the month - he's making choices to spend that money on things that are not related to his kids. I will see what he proposes but given his recent behaviours he's not exactly the most trust-worthy person...so i do need to report it.

The best thing you can probably do for yourself is to accept he’s a cunt. Then work forward from that. It isn’t you making issues, it’s him. Every inch you give, he is taking a mile, and not giving any back. So, stop. Absolutely inform CMS but do so knowing it is him causing the issues, not you.

@arethereanyleftatall That first sentence made me smile - so thank you :) x

Report it to CMS.

Take the 4% hit for 6 months the reevaluate if you think things have changed enough to direct pay again then.

He's no intention of paying you, and even if he pays once he's shown that maintenance is always going to be low priority so you'll have no certainly of payments each month.

Surely it’s better to inform CMS, regardless of what “agreement” he proposes.

Firstly, if he’s not prepared to pay what CMS have advised, his proposal is obviously going to be less, and I bet it’ll be more than 4% less.
And secondly, what if you agree to an amount, and then 3 months later he stops paying. Then you’ve got to go back to CMS again.

I would tell him he’s got 24 hours to transfer the money, and then you’re going to CMS.

It blows my mind that non resident parents seem to think they can decide whether or not they can afford to pay for their kids. Imagine if resident parents did that. The kids wouldn’t eat, wouldn’t have clothes to wear, and would be homeless.

He doesn’t have kids 50/50, you had to resign from one of your jobs, he hasn’t paid a penny and you are not sure whether you should report him? Give your head a little wobble and report asap.

And also report if it’s not the full amount!

100% report.

think about what you’d tell your friend in this situation. Appreciate it’s complicated and hard but you need to stop thinking he’s the same person he was years ago.

'Come to an agreement ' has always been available and the delinquent has yet to make any payments. Contact CMS to make the deductions from his income.

You're right, 96% of something is better than 100% of nothing.
He's made it clear that he's not going to be amicable, so why should you be?
If you haven't started the divorce process already, I'd get on with it now because from what you've said, I'd be doubtful about how willing and cooperative he's likely to be about getting you half of his pension, savings, equity in the house. The sooner it can be official and he can be forced to divvy up, the better.

100% report him. And keep reporting him until he’s on Collect and Pay. They don’t move them to that after one missed payment, I think it’s 3/4 missed payments so buckle up for reporting again and again.

Indeed.
CMS all the way

To recap:

• He wants you to have zero equity from the house
• he wont voluntarily support his kids and expects them to survive on fresh ait

but NOW he wants to "come to an arrangement" 🤨😑 youd be an idiot to believe this line

I think you might have to give it a day or two, in case 'banking issues' are cited. But at that point, definitely get on to CMS!

Stop engaging OP. I think you have to wait 3 days to report a missed payment double check online.You will know what he earns through CMS and you will have an annual review each year.