Child Maintenance - What would you do?

[Mumof2studentnurse]

Long story short - My husband cheated on me, left me for this person back in April. I worked 2 jobs/7 days a week trying to pay off our debts and build a nice life for our kids - he had the affair with someone who works at one of those jobs, so I've had to resign from that job, even though i had been there for 20 years.

In April, May, June he was posting photos of them on social media, emailing me telling me how great she was and how awful I was. Calling me a fat, lazy mum. Just being vile. Refused to give me any equity from the house (I have a solicitor who has made it clear to him that i'm entitled to 50% so all that is being handled)

Since the day he left he has never offered to pay a single penny for the kids. No clothes, food, school clothes, activities. I have now moved out of the house and have a new house with my kids. He kept ignoring me when I would email about maintenance so i eventually contacted CMS and he was due to give his first payment for the kids tomorrow.

I suspected he wouldnt, so i emailed him last night asking if he will be making the payment and he said no, said he can't afford it. (But I know he drinks every single night and has money for new clothes/nights out with his girlfriend)

So my question is - Do i report it to CMS that he hasn't paid? If I do that, it will mean he will need to pay an extra 20% every month as a fee to CMS because they will change the way his payments are taken - CMS will also deduct 4% from me as a fee too, so my kids will end up with less. But 96% of something is better than 100% of nothing.

I want to keep the peace (I don't know why, probably because I loved him for 15 years so it's hard to just stop).

He said in his email last night that he wants to 'come to an agreement' - ive asked him what he is proposing, but he's not replied.

Been there sadly. CMS is the only way to go, do it for your children it’s for them and takes away some of the stress of you chasing for it

Report him and carry on. If he kicks off - ignore ignore ignore.

Warn him you are reporting it Monday if it’s not in your account by midnight Sunday

I think OP needs to call the police if she's getting abuse via emails or messages.

CMS now and sharpish. You’ve been far too lenient, whilst he’s swanned off living the life of Riley whilst shitting on you all from a great height.

I had to report my ex but I've still not received a penny,my case was started 3 years ago,so yes report him because it's a slow process x

This all over. That first sentence is key, you need to find a way to accept that he’s a dick and don’t give him a morsel of your time. Hold that chin up high, you’ve got this!

@itstimetoquit it doesn't take that long. Is your ex self employed?

You've given him more than enough time for him to voluntarily pay the child maintenance he is legally obliged to pay. He's refused and instead decided to be a deadbeat. He's going to carry on playing you for a fool for as long as you let him. CMS, for all its many faults, is there to deal with deadbeat exes.

Speak to your Mp and get them to chase. That often sets a fire under case workers.

They're no excuse for 3 years unless it's an extremely complicated self employed case with HMRC involved

So 6 years ago I separated from DS's dad.
We came to a mutual agreement where he paid me slightly less than the exact figure but it was good enough and I didn't want to push it as I knew if I asked for too much he's not be able to go out on the piss and smoke weed and then he'd stop paying altogether 🙄

He was a selfish arse so I didn't want to rock the boat too much and put his back up.

He messed me about a couple of times but it settled.

Then he met someone else and decided his son was an inconvenient expense and stopped all payments and communication.

I now know he got sacked from his job.

I totally dithered about involving CMS, like you I didn't want to upset him and he has a habit of taking it out on DS when I do.
I still didn't want to be "the bad guy"

But it was pointed out to me that he didn't give a shit about being the bad guy to his son and meanwhile I was struggling to pay bills and feed a now teenage boy.

In the end I did collect and pay through CMS and it was the best decision I could have made!

I now get regular payments, and it's brilliant because he was under paying by nearly £200 a month!
So now I can afford treats and trips and pairs of shoes and the hostility in the beginning was worth it

Please do it

These men never get better if they think they don't have to

He is/was self employed. Cms got a liability order he then packed in work and went on dole,everytime they start chasing him he stops work and signs on x

I would report.

Hes made it clear that he has other priorities and has no intention of doing the right thing for his DC.

Then practice grey rock with him. Same response every time. I’d use something like “it is important that the DC are fed and clothed and cms have an option that supports parents in making that happen”. “As I’ve said it is important that ….” “As you are aware it is important that …”. No other comment or feedback.

You sound like an amazing mum. Your DC are lucky to have you. Sending you warm wishes.

I suspected he wouldnt, so i emailed him last night asking if he will be making the payment and he said no, said he can't afford it.

Honestly, you shouldn’t have emailed him to ask this. All you’ve done is let him know that he still has some power and control over you.

How much time have you wasted today formulating a super nice email explaining to him about the 20% fee, which he knows full well anyway. Have you got nothing better or more productive to do with your time? You’d be an absolute mug to sit around now and wait to “see what he proposes”.

Go to CMS, start the ball rolling to get it deducted direct from his wages (I think he needs to miss more than one payment, but start logging it NOW) and if he ever mentions child maintenance to you ever again, via email, text or in person you simply reply “the CMS are dealing with this now, I don’t need to discuss it with you” and repeat as nauseam.

Firstly, you're doing a great job in a shit shit situation, so well done!
Definitely report him, you need this all on paper and official.
Does he have contact with your children?
His agreement needs to be on paper, so no phone calls or visits. He has to pay his CMS, if his agreement is that he'll send extra direct to you, crack on. If not, tell him where to go.

Sadly that's what my ex did. Bounced from working to unemployed faster than the CSA (as it was at the time) could keep track of. But it was still easier for me to keep poking the CSA to do something than to try to get any money out of her by myself.