Being seen in relationships.

[OneNeatBlueOrca]

Hi, I don't know if this is the right place to post. Ive noticed for a while, but i'm not particularly assertive in all my relationships and I wish I could be more so.

I have a difficult childhood background.I won't go into.
I grew up being a people pleaser trying to get people to like me as I never really felt cared for.

And whilst I have worked on this and I ve had therapy, I m finding putting it practice very difficult. It's insidious where I don't often notice that i'm people pleasing at the time.

I have a boyfriend.I've been with for 2 years. It can be difficult to get him to do things that I like but. Overall, the things we do, we pretty much see eye to eye on. But it's where we don't, that's the problem.

For example, i've been asking him to go for a particular city (UK) for a break and wealth, he makes noises about it.He never makes plans. Similar with a particular day trip I wanted to go to - asking last year came to nothing and asking this year, he said, okay, maybe, and now never mentioned it again.

A few days ago, he asked me if I d like to go and see a show in a nearby city with some friends of his, who I know now and get on very well with. I agreed to do it. He asked if I could take a day of leave for it. I said yes to it.

Then I started thinking, this is a day of annual leave and train tickets to see something, i'm actually not that bothered about. Whereas the things I ve asked to do have just been left though i've asked the last couple of years in a row.

I hope this doesn't sound childish, but I was going to decide to pull out of the but he's already booked tickets and he said he will cover mine as a gift from him. I know it's kind of him and he hasn'done anything wrong because he did ask me and I said yes.

But why is he able to commit to something like this and the things i've asked to do recently we end up not doing it.

I don't have a great relationship history and I haven't really been in a long term one before. Nothing more than about three or four years, which is hardly anything given I m in my late thirties.

Because of my lack of experience, I m not sure if I should have a conversation about that's it or should I just let my actions speak. The last time this happened, I just went with somebody else and had a great time.And he was actually sad, he hadn't done it with me. Shall I just go off and do it myself and forget him.

But then that means I end up doing things.He wants together, and I end up doing things I want alone.

I want to be seen, and I sometimes don't feel seen. The things I like and want aren't given equal weight. I hope this doesn't make me sound childish.

Sorry to add this sometimes happens with friends too. Over the years, I end up doing what they want.And what I want just gets left.

Check he's free on a day Organise something you want to do and and him details

That's a good idea. I could just say this is what I want to do and this is when I want to go and invite him.

I guess I'll have bigger problems if he says no to everything I want.

I also wish I could notice better when i'm being a people pleaser and say no rather than just agreeing.
cB
ecause when I agreed to go to that show it was reluctantly, and I suddenly realised that I'm going to be spending time effort and money on something I don't really want to do when I could be spending that money doing something I want or just having money in the bank.

If I wanted to do something I’d go about planning it and update / consult DH along the way. Eg I’ve found this hotel and trains are reasonably priced on x date. Please can you book it off so I know it’s okay to go ahead and make the reservation.

This might sound ridiculous, but surely I shouldn't have to do that.

Part of my bugbear is his friend only has to ask him once and he ll jump to it. Send me the details and chase me up on it and book it immediately

When it's something I want, I get a yeah maybe or that's a long way and then it's never mentioned again.

But by the same token, why should he? Not meaning that in a confrontational way, I’m just wondering why you think it’s his role to organise?

Would he think it’s his job to organise? Because it could simply be you’re waiting for each other to do something about it.

I used to be like this in my marriage. Lots of activities that husband likes but few trips that I liked. I now do the things I like to do, he’s welcome to join me. The things he likes to do, that I used to do with him to make him happy … he now does on his own 🤣

I get the impression he doesn't really want to go.

His friend asked him if he wanted to go to this show and he's jumped to it with that friend and organized the details for us even though it was his friend's idea. He didn't just leave it to his friend to sort out.

It can be frustrating because there was a concert I wanted to see last month. I asked him if he wanted to go and he gave me an outright, no. I managed to find another friend.I wanted to go with and we had a great time. Then he was annoyed as actually it would have been something that he d really enjoy. He hadn't even bothered to look who was playing at the gig and just said no outright.

I’d love to see blah blah, and it would be great if you joined me! Can you book the tickets and let me know my share?
Or go with a mate.
You need to say it. 😄

Buy two tickets to things you want to go and see. Offer him first refusal. If he doesn't want to go, then go with a friend.

You only get one life. You have got to start taking control of yours.

Oh yes that it is exactly. I get one life, and I am still people pleasing by agreeing to do things that aren't really my thing and letting things I want to do, just go.

I feel a bit pathetic that I m this age and I m still having this problem.

The problem with buying two tickets as given that we all mature adults, I might not actually be able to find somebody else who would go. Not everyone can just down tools and give up their weekend or a day off work for something or even an evening for that matter

It might not be something he’d get overly excited about and that’s okay. My husband sometimes doesn’t get excited about the same things I do. But if one of us wants to do something we’ll plan it and the other will go be part of it and have a nice time. I’m still unsure why you need him to organise it. His friend might suggest something he’s really excited about - but there’s nothing wrong with that we like different things. With kindness you do sound very reliant on him doing things.

Get your phone or laptop out in front of him and say ‘right I really want to go to x, it’s available on this date I’m booking two tickets now good with you?’

With kindness you do sound very reliant on him doing things.

Oh it isn't so much that. I said in the first post that I ve never really been in a long term.Relationship. honestly, i've traveled alone to the southern hemisphere. I've hiked all over scandinavia among other places. I am perfectly capable of doing things alone. And i've done so for most of the natural born life.

However, now that i'm in a relationship and I have somebody to do things with, I don't know maybe i'm just not used to that.

I would actually like a bit more enthusiasm for the things i'm interested in. I show a polite interest in the things he likes the I'm not bad in too I d never be rude.

It's just he's difficult, and if I booked something without asking him he'll, probably just be annoyed.

Maybe I should just act as if I'm single and go and do it all on my own. I'm perfectly capable. I just thought the point of being in a relationship with some give and take and it all I seem to do is what he wants.

Maybe I should be more honest too, that some of the things he suggests are my idea of hell

I think it's more like you maybe being a people pleaser except your own level of commitment and enthusiasm in return, I think there's also some rejection fear there too. Ask him if he's free tell him you're booking it , if he goes along he cares , if not then find someone that will because you deserve that

And that said exactly as well, some rejection fear there. Too scared to push it in case it's not what he wants to do and I don't want to be rejected.

It can be difficult if some of your main interests vary but relationships work both with shared interest and opposite interests. How is this man on a whole to you? is what's important. Does he make you feel loved ? Safe ?

Yes and know. Not always. He has loads of anxieties and ocd. A lot of the time, I have to spend pondering to him because he can't cope if things aren't built around his anxieties. Maybe i'm just beginning to feel resentful.

But on the whole, he does make me feel cared for and valued. I m very much a part of his life and met all of his family and most of his friends. I get invited a family events along with

He's not rejecting you, he's rejecting the activity. Those are not at all the same thing. He can love you and still not enjoy or want to share your hobbies. Try not to equate them.

Equally, if it's an activity you're excited about and he's open to but not thrilled (you know, like you are about the stuff he's excited about and actively booking), then I do think it's up to you to actively book it. By all means check in with him to get agreement on dates, but if you just suggest and leave the ball hanging in his court, in his place, I'd just think you didn't care that much about it as you weren't willing to put any effort into making it happen, and since I was open to it but not enthused, why would I then bother ?

With the update about pandering to his anxieties, I hear you, and yes, that would get very tiresome and I wouldn't overly encourage it. As much as he can, anxieties need to be faced to keep them in their place.

So you both have some emotional / mental difficulties in top of all the regular stuff. I personally would find an event u really want to do ( not one of his flat out no) and arrange it myself. During the time shortly after ( if there was mutual enjoyment) make sure to make it very well known how happy it made me.

Hmm, I'm seeing a bit of controlling behaviour, here. You ask him if he wants to do something with you; he says no, so you do it with someone else and then he makes you feel guilty because (apparently) he would like to have gone.
It feels to me as if, by him telling you he doesn't want to go to something, he expects that you'll not go, and when you do, he's creating an atmosphere about it (which is what controlling people do, so that you don't 'misbehave' again).
When there are repeated situations where whatever you do, you can't win (unless it's what he wants, which is for you to not go and do these things at all), it's a red flag.

How is he with you spending time with other people in general? Does he always create an atmosphere about it/make it difficult for you? If so, he's trying to isolate you.

He's generally absolutely fine.He encourages me to see my friends. But honestly, in our late thirties, it's not as if we were with a group of twenty year olds anymore. You know how it is friendships, have to be fitted in around work, life, relationships, other things.

My problem with the concert I wanted to see was that he just looked at the poster and said, no outright, without even looking what it was or who was playing. It was a several day event and there were many different bands.

I then tried to get a friend to go with me.And one of them said she'd like to go and then the absolute star got discount tickets last minute. Then when I told him i was going to see that band he looked really crestfallen, and said he loved that band. Oh well too late. But why on earth say no to a concert without even looking at who's playing. Is this kind of thing the lack of respect for the things that would interest me? He didn't even bother to look into it to see if he would actually enjoy it he just said no outright, no hesitation and no looking into it.

He can be pretty controlling his ocd.Makes him that way. Or perhaps it's just him. Everything has to revolve around his anxieties.

We've been together for over 2 years. I've suggested some places. I'd like to go and said, can we do this and he's like yeah. Then two years later, we still haven't done it.

His friend suggests something she'd like to do, invites both of us and he immediately jumps to it in telling me about it.And booking the tickets and paying for it. Annual leave is a problem for him.As he doesn't have as much as me.But suddenly he's got two days to spare for this.Because his friend wants to do it.

No, there's nothing in it even though it's a female friend. I know that i've met her many times and we are actually pretty friendly and she's been dating at the moment.And she normally updates us on her love life and who she's dating.

But still, what do I have to do to be treated like his friend, I can suggest something.And he'll immediately jump to it
Why do I have to play this game of having to find somebody else to go with me?And then he wanted to go anyway.

I agree with this.

You feel you're asking him to do something but are then waiting for him to bring it up again or make it happen.

It's not that his things are more important just that,vif he wants to do something, he makes it happen. If you want to do something, you tell him and then still wait for him to make it happen.

Eg

For example, i've been asking him to go for a particular city (UK) for a break and wealth, he makes noises about it.He never makes plans. Similar with a particular day trip I wanted to go to - asking last year came to nothing and asking this year, he said, okay, maybe, and now never mentioned it again.

Whatever happens in this relationship going forwards, this is something you need to take control of for yourself. Someone has to or things never happen.

Maybe he sees it as her having expressed an interest in something, he confirms he's interested and then the subject gets forgotten about. He thinks she's changed her mind and so is surprised when she goes with someone else.

Obviously, he really won't fancy some things.

But the OP also says she's used a day of AL to go to the event with his friends that she isn't really interested in.

Thats on her and not something he needs to also do.

OP, maybe the reason he agreed to event his friend suggested was because she said X is happening at Y time and on Z date. We're going. Do you and BlueOrca want to come?

All the actual legwork has been done by his friend.

I'd she'd said, X is happening. Do you fancy it? He might well have said yes but, if she'd then expected him to do the legwork around time, date, transport, etc,vthst may well not have happened either!

Basically, if someone said to me, "I'd really like to go to [insert placenane]. Do you?' I wouldn't think it had then become my responsibility to make it happen.

OP, you are NOT valuing yourself and neither is he.

This will be your life for as long as you tolerate it.
He certainly sounds extremely controlling and selfish.
He only does what he wants to do.
Start saying No to him.
That is how you see the real person.

Do not move in with him, it would be a mistake.

Start being honest with yourself.
Are you with him out of fear of being alone?
If so you are just wasting your youth.