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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Gaslighting husband…..what to do?

29 replies

FJT1977 · 30/07/2025 18:47

My husband had taken to gaslighting me - he’ll say something mean and then literally argue with me that ‘I didn’t say anything’ when I confront him. This evening I heard him calling me a ‘horrible person’ and when I asked him why he said that, he denied saying it and made out I was imagining things!
When my husband does talk about me or calls me names (to himself), he doesn’t exactly whisper which is why I can clearly hear him… I would also like to add that my husband is a crappy liar so his face always gives him away as he has the deer caught in headlights look about him…, what would you do?

OP posts:
Billybagpuss · 30/07/2025 18:52

Leave

Seeingadistance · 30/07/2025 18:53

Billybagpuss · 30/07/2025 18:52

Leave

Yep.

Leave.

Billybagpuss · 30/07/2025 18:55

Sorry that was a bit abrupt, he clearly has no respect for you if he’s playing these games. What is the rest of the relationship like. Mn can be very quick to advise ltb but by the time the op has got the courage to post they are at the end of their tether

Cherrysoup · 30/07/2025 18:55

He’s lost the love, he has no respect for you. Are you able to split up?

mrandmrsrobinson · 30/07/2025 18:56

Bin

Original poster
FJT1977 · 30/07/2025 19:00

Billybagpuss · 30/07/2025 18:55

Sorry that was a bit abrupt, he clearly has no respect for you if he’s playing these games. What is the rest of the relationship like. Mn can be very quick to advise ltb but by the time the op has got the courage to post they are at the end of their tether

Our relationship is up and down…. My husband suffers with on / off depression and work stresses him out a lot which carries on when he gets home. I appreciate your response. Thank you.

OP posts:
Original poster
FJT1977 · 30/07/2025 19:02

Cherrysoup · 30/07/2025 18:55

He’s lost the love, he has no respect for you. Are you able to split up?

Part of me wants to but having just been made redundant, I’m not in a financial position to do anything drastic right now.

OP posts:
Cherrysoup · 30/07/2025 19:04

FJT1977 · 30/07/2025 19:02

Part of me wants to but having just been made redundant, I’m not in a financial position to do anything drastic right now.

Show quote history

Do you think you’ll get another job quite easily? I’d find this incredibly difficult. He sounds very odd: has it been a while he’s done this?

Loloblue · 30/07/2025 19:08

Wow this is cruel and childish, not to mention messing with your head. Tell him to stop or you're off

GoingtoChichester · 30/07/2025 19:12

FJT1977 · 30/07/2025 19:02

Part of me wants to but having just been made redundant, I’m not in a financial position to do anything drastic right now.

Show quote history

while you get back on your feet, make a plan, then work towards making it happen

Original poster
FJT1977 · 30/07/2025 19:23

Cherrysoup · 30/07/2025 19:04

Do you think you’ll get another job quite easily? I’d find this incredibly difficult. He sounds very odd: has it been a while he’s done this?

Show quote history

He’s being gaslighting for a while - at first I thought it was brain fog (menopause) and I genuinely questioned myself, but now I know it’s not me!
Im sure I will find another job and that’s another stress to deal with on top of this! But thank you!

OP posts:
Gymnopedie · 31/07/2025 03:47

Whatever someone's rationale for doing it, gaslighting is a form of game playing. You don't have to join in.

You know he said what he said. Ignore him. Carry on with whatever you were doing. When you ask him why he said that, you are playing his game. You are giving him the chance to control you. Take those chances away from him.

Newnamehiwhodis · 31/07/2025 05:24

Flip the script. Whenever he does this, tell him you’re worried about his memory, and maybe it’s time for a gp appointment to assess him for dementia.

boatieboatie · 31/07/2025 05:32

When someone is gaslighting you, the best thing you can do is “turn off the gas”, which essentially not engaging with the behaviour. The best book on how to do is this is called The Gaslight Effect. This has some great tools and responses to help you turn off the gas. When there’s no gas, the gaslighter can’t gaslight you. This doesn’t mean that any of it is your fault of course. It’s just a form of grey rocking so they can’t alter your perception anymore. It really helped me see the situation for what is was rather than feeling completely disorientated and questioning myself, which is what the gaslighter wants - consciously or unconsciously

boatieboatie · 31/07/2025 05:36

I would not recommend having a copy of this book in your home. Download a kindle version or something. The last thing you want to do is to tell THEM that they’re gaslighting you or for them to find out you’re on to them.

boatieboatie · 31/07/2025 05:36

That just leads them to double down. Do the work in private

PigletSanders · 31/07/2025 05:57

Newnamehiwhodis · 31/07/2025 05:24

Flip the script. Whenever he does this, tell him you’re worried about his memory, and maybe it’s time for a gp appointment to assess him for dementia.

I think do this until you’re in a position to leave, then get the fuck out of there.

Katkins17 · 31/07/2025 07:16

Maybe tell him that he needs to see a medical professional because if he says something and forgets saying within seconds, he might have early onset dementia…..

don't argue with him…you know he said it, as does he….just call his bluff, act worried, gaslight the fuck back.

Katkins17 · 31/07/2025 07:16

Newnamehiwhodis · 31/07/2025 05:24

Flip the script. Whenever he does this, tell him you’re worried about his memory, and maybe it’s time for a gp appointment to assess him for dementia.

I’ve just posted the exact same comment !!!

PigletSanders · 31/07/2025 07:29

I would never normally advocate recording someone as it is a tactic used by abusers, but if you can catch him doing this, you can once and for all show him his gaslighting, laugh in his face/tell him you think he should see a doctor, leave, and live happily ever after.

mrandmrsrobinson · 31/07/2025 07:30

Personally I wouldn't engage in any mind games. That leads to MH in ones own mind. Just walk away. Let it go.

mrandmrsrobinson · 31/07/2025 07:32

And the other throw away line is. "If that's your perception, there's nothing I can do about it"

researchers3 · 31/07/2025 07:44

My ex used to gaslight me so much. It made me quite unwell, along with other behaviours.

I'd leave as soon as you can. Its really abusive and damaging behaviour. Calling it game playing is really downplaying his behaviour.

LivelyMintViper · 31/07/2025 08:17

Quietly record him?