Two teen DDs, 17 and 13. On the whole, great kids, polite and cooperative. Elder DD very conscientious at school, younger DD less so but finding her feet slowly. Keep their rooms generally clean, help when asked with housework, affectionate, have some nice friends. I have full trust in them and on the whole a great relationship with them.
My DH and I clash on parenting in a few areas, one of which is how much money/financial freedom to give the girls.
He does not really deal with any of the finances at home (he has visibility of it and I share details), I do all the shopping, bill paying, present buying, holiday buying, big house purchases and take a lot of decisions as he does not like dealing with this. We share finances (all income goes into one pot) and we both work in above average paid jobs (him f/t, me p/t and he prefers me to be p/t and take care of house stuff). We have no mortgage and significant savings. I appreciate this puts us in a very lucky position and do not take it for granted.
I grew up with less but 'comfortable'. My father was self employed and lost his job every few years and we had school meals/second hand clothes (when it was far less common) and no second income (SAHM). No private schools, but we had birthdays and Christmases and UK holidays (one or two abroad) and pocket money because my parents were careful and always had some savings. We did not feel too much the effect of the redundancies. My father died 20 years ago and I have a very good relationship with my mother.
My DH grew up with parents who had themselves lived through very tough financial situations. My FIL was the son of a virtually penniless subsistence farmer in rural France with multiple kids. My MIL was abandoned by her husband with 9 kids to look after and received a minimal income from the wider family. Toys were non existant for FIL and bags of nails to make stuff with for MIL. FIL went into the police and climbed the ranks but was not able to let go of his fear of not having money.
His kids (DH and BIL) did receive presents and holidays (not abroad), but DH was once excluded from an overseas school exchange trip (when no other kids were, even from poorer families) as it was deemed an extravagance and not bought any fashionable clothes as teens, but rather the cheapest tracksuit bottoms that were not in fashion and made them a bit embarrassed. Toys were looked down on after a certain age by FIL as 'childish things' and the other kids at school had the latest Lego but not him and his brother.
These acts amongst other things (when my FIL would buy himself latest bikes/equipment for hobbies) has a caused a lot of damage and the relationship between DH/BIL and their parents is strained/polite. They live 5 & 8 hours by car and we see them only about once per year. My MIL is very unhappy with this and has cried about it to me & my girls when she visits (this part of the general dysfunction in the family). DH feels justifiably guilt tripped and resentful.
Sorry for the long background but it is relevant I think.
DH and I have always been frugal but in recent years I have learned to "let go" more of money as I could see it was not necessary to be so frugal.
This has had an impact on how much I buy for and allow my kids to spend. These days there is a lot of marketing to teens, which they are exposed to via phones. So I get a lot of requests for buying bits and pieces like make-up /cosmetics/clothes. They don't go to their father as he will be quite angry with their requests and tell them they are wasteful.
I try to evaluate each request and say no some of the time, but based on my internal 'barometer' which is hard to describe. Sometimes, DH will discover a purchase I have 'allowed' (my 17 year old has a bank card which I put money on) and get very angry. As these are often amounts like under 30/40 pounds I don't confer with him (if they request something more expensive like over 70 pounds or a big gift, I always discuss). None of the spending I allow causes us any financial difficulty and we have never been in debt.
Recently, my DD17 went to London and to a concert to Wembley. We live overseas so we paid the trip but she stayed free with my mother. DH grumbled about the ticket price (135 pounds) and said it should be a Xmas present. I felt it was part of the normal teenage experience to go and didn't agree it should be part of a Xmas present. She went, was euphoric about it, and has asked my permission to buy a souvenir. I OKed it in principle, without checking the prices. In the end she bought two (overpriced) T shirts (that she absolutely loves) but I would have limited her to one - she made the decision alone and I chose not to confront her afterwards but let it go.
My husband saw her wear the second T shirt (he was ok on seeing the first one) and then asked how much they had cost (he guessed over 25 pounds, which was true). My mother was with us and told me that it was a rip off and waste of money and my daughter stormed off.
My husband got very angry saying I am excluding him from the family. I did not get fight back, stayed quiet and said to both him and my mum that I am struggling with how much freedom to allow them and tend to err on the side of being generous. My mum said she thinks I buy them too much. I discussed with him and asked for a rule for how much we need to agree together before we authorise they spend, he suggested 10 pounds. I told him this is really nothing these days, but agreed to it reluctantly.
I love him very much but I am struggling with how to deal with this. I don't think 10 pounds is an amount to discuss in our situation. However, I do want the kids to get some idea of the value of money, which they obviously don't have right now and live in a bubble. My expectation this will come with time when they have their own limited income and learn to make decisions based on that.
I am wondering if I am making a mistake and should put more limits on them?
Sorry for the long story! If you read this far, thank you.