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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

6 months wasted... help to get past the sunk costs fallacy

52 replies

BlueOysterCultz · 29/07/2025 13:15

I have wasted 6 months on someone and I feel absolutely shit about myself.
How do I get past this? I think I put up with some really awful behaviour because I thought he might improve or we could go back to how things were in the beginning. But I realise that isn't the case anymore.
I have messaged him and called him on WhatsApp and he has not even opened the messages. I have a horrible feeling that he has archived me or something.
I know 6 months ain't that long in the grand scheme of things but it has been all of this year, basically.
He wasn't drinking when we first got together but then increasingly he was. He would end things out of the blue then want to reconcile. Or flake on me at the last minute when I had child-free weekends when it was too late to make alternate plans. He was annoyed that I was going away for a mini-break with a male friend, with whom I have a completely platonic relationship.
He pressured me into doing quite kinky stuff that I wasn't all that into.
He could be absolutely lovely at times but I was never good enough for him... He would say I didn't call him enough, so I would call him daily. Then he would complain that he'd have to 'beg' for phonecalls. He would sulk if I ended up staying out late with friends (who also had kids, not like I was out on the razz or something) and didn't get round to calling him till late. He doesn't have kids and has way more free time than I do. I was always honest about my time limitations. I did try to break things off at one point but I was absolutely heartbroken and missed him loads so we got back together. He was furious when I ended things, this included him saying I was a horrible person and him sending me a photo of his swearing at the camera on Instagram!

We went away for my birthday and it was really stilted; the day before I had called him to check plans and have a chat and he'd declined my calls. So I didn't know whether it was actually going ahead till the day itself, which was a stressful way to start my birthday (he said he'd had an early night, and didn't remember declining my calls but I'd called at 6.30pm, who goes to bed that early unless they are ill? In which case he could have said he was having an early night. It was like he wanted me to be worried!).

I feel like for at least the last few months it has just been really just him playing mind games with me. And now he seems to have ghosted me.

I feel absolutely wretched. Any advice would be greatly welcomed as I feel completely dejected.

OP posts:
1983Louise · 29/07/2025 13:35

No advice but I'd be glad it's all over, it's sounds dreadful, he's had you in a piece of string playing you. You deserve so much better, always know you worth and never chase a man x

yeesh · 29/07/2025 13:37

Why did you put up with all of that? Awful behaviour from him. Be kind to yourself but maybe think about why you’ve allowed someone to treat you so poorly so that it doesn’t happen again.

amber763 · 29/07/2025 13:38

You're well rid and absolutely deserve better. Block him or delete him but don't go back

Ratisshortforratthew · 29/07/2025 13:44

Good grief he sounds like an absolute cunt, why did you put up with that for 6 minutes let alone 6 months?! But, 6 months is no time at all, I don’t think the “sunk costs fallacy” really applies here - it’s usually about long term relationships of several years when things go south after years of lives being entwined. Just consign this dickhead to the bin where he belongs and move on

EverybodyLTB · 29/07/2025 13:44

No sunk costs there. This is your wake up call. To learn, to understand why you put up with such insanely shitty behaviour and make some changes to benefit you and to improve your life and wellbeing. To be the best you can be for yourself and for your child, so they don’t repeat these patterns. Get some therapy and read about emotional patterns and behaviours. Put your energy into that. From experience, I promise putting some time into understanding yourself and working on yourself will be a fantastic investment. It’ll all be thanks to this piece of shit man who woke you up and made you realise things need to change. Not a waste, but a catalyst for change.

Lavenderandclimbingrose · 29/07/2025 13:45

Take it as a blessing. And never do anything sexual or otherwise in a relationship that you are uncomfortable with or you have any ‘nagging doubt’ about - just no

EveryDayisFriday · 29/07/2025 13:47

Agree with the no sunk costs here, only a lesson learned to love yourself more. Being single is far better than being in a relationship with a twat.

Bittenonce · 29/07/2025 13:55

Change of mindset needed - quick!
You didn’t so much waste 6 months, you managed to escape after 6 months. It was wrong on so many levels - so what you do now is learn from it not to allow anyone else to treat you this way - you need to not care (be glad) that he’s not talking, block and delete him. I’m worried that you’re upset he’s not talking to you. That you’re mourning the death of a relationship that was bad for you. Frankly, that doesn’t bode well for future relationships or how you allow yourself to be treated. Give yourself some positive time and things to do with proper friends, find some happy.

OlderGlaswegianLivingInDevon · 29/07/2025 13:57

Thank goodness that it is over ! even 6 weeks was far too long !!!

NewsdeskJC · 29/07/2025 14:08

Good lord. Better a wasted 6 months than 6 years or your whole life.
Honestly thank whatever deity you believe in and move on. Lesson learned.

RentalWoesNotFun · 29/07/2025 14:12

Youre well rid. Sounds like he was just using you when he’d nothing better to do. Hence the last minuteness of it all.
sorry op
Block and move on. Keep busy to keep your mind off. You deserve better. X

TwistedWonder · 29/07/2025 15:45

Honestly OP I think m you seriously need to look at doing The Freedom Programme before you go anywhere near another man

Why on earth have you allowed this cunt to treat you like shit on his shoe and you still chase him begging for more?

Please OP learn from this shit show and raise your bar. Put boundaries in place with men and stick to them. Dont sell yourself short for a man

slightlydistrac · 29/07/2025 15:50

You have escaped the clutches of this despicable abuser. Be thankful.

Rayqueen · 29/07/2025 15:51

Well there wasn't a proper relationship, find it hard to believe he wasn't a drinker beforehand just hid it as doesn't suddenly come on in such a short time. .Get some pride in yourself and block him take some time out and move on.

SummerInSun · 29/07/2025 15:56

Good grief what a jerk he was. And 6 months is nothing in the grand scheme of your life - many women on MN spend decades with jerks before they realise. So instead of feeling bad about yourself, trust us all - remind yourself that you are better off without him, you’ve done well not waste more time with him, and go and do something nice with a friend or on your own to celebrate being shot of him.

Lurkingandlearning · 29/07/2025 16:07

@Bittenonce and @TwistedWonder are spot on. What you’re feeling is massive disappointment that it didn’t work out how you’d hoped. In a day or so, maybe a bit longer, you’ll realise that’s all you had - hope. You will see it was nothing more substantial than that because he was a mind fucker. You’re right, he didn’t go to bed at 6:30 the day before your birthday. He was wide awake and enjoying fucking with your mind.

Thisismyusername54321 · 29/07/2025 16:28

Don't see it as 6 months wasted - reframe it as 6 months of learning.

He sounds awful, now you'll be more aware of red flags if they appear, and you'll be able to set stronger boundaries.

It shouldn't be so difficult in a relationship so early on 😘

PixiePuffBall · 29/07/2025 16:30

You're already wasting more time than you need on him, including by writing this post. There's no advice anyone can offer here, other than pick a task you've been meaning to do for months that you've been putting off and do it. By the time you've finished you'll be over it

mindutopia · 29/07/2025 18:33

But this is just dating. 🤷🏻‍♀️ I’ve wasted 3 years and 5 years and another 4 years and 6 months several times in between, by your account. It’s not wasted. It’s just dating. I’ve been with Dh for 17 years and that hasn’t felt wasted at all. You have to kiss a lot of frogs so to speak.

Bigwelshlamb · 29/07/2025 18:36

Quite simply, you dodged a bullet there... Raise your game and expect more. That was the point of this relationship, so now you know what you don't want.

BabyCatFace · 29/07/2025 18:36

What do you mean sunk costs? Why do you think you wasted the time? What is your goal? You have kids, surely you aren't after marrying and children with some kind of timeframe that would mean dating the wrong man is 'wasting' time? Let this one go, he's horrid, but dating isn't a race to the finish line, and time spent with someone isn't wasted even if it ends up badly.

Cattery · 29/07/2025 18:40

Controlling wanker. Not mature enough to be in any relationship

Dweetfidilove · 29/07/2025 19:02

I'm so thankful he's blanking you. It's likely the kindest thing he done for you.

BlueOysterCultz · 29/07/2025 22:37

Lurkingandlearning · 29/07/2025 16:07

@Bittenonce and @TwistedWonder are spot on. What you’re feeling is massive disappointment that it didn’t work out how you’d hoped. In a day or so, maybe a bit longer, you’ll realise that’s all you had - hope. You will see it was nothing more substantial than that because he was a mind fucker. You’re right, he didn’t go to bed at 6:30 the day before your birthday. He was wide awake and enjoying fucking with your mind.

It's such a horrible thing to do to someone 🫤 before any plans but especially before a birthday and i don't want to out myself but this was an especially difficult birthday this year, and he knew this because I'd talked about it at length.

OP posts:
Lurkingandlearning · 30/07/2025 00:49

It is a horrible thing to do. Knowing this birthday was going to be difficult for you would have made letting you down much more enjoyable. Some people enjoy making others suffer. To be able to do that they have to reel someone in and manipulate them into believing they are safe with them. I read a book once about narcissists, I know that word is overused, but this book was was written by a self confessed narcissist. Apparently they are notorious for spoiling birthdays, any event that is important to the person they are currently abusing. It’s hard to believe some people enjoy tricking and hurting someone. You know it’s true though, we hear about it all the time we just don’t think it’s going to happen to us

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