I have wasted 6 months on someone and I feel absolutely shit about myself.
How do I get past this? I think I put up with some really awful behaviour because I thought he might improve or we could go back to how things were in the beginning. But I realise that isn't the case anymore.
I have messaged him and called him on WhatsApp and he has not even opened the messages. I have a horrible feeling that he has archived me or something.
I know 6 months ain't that long in the grand scheme of things but it has been all of this year, basically.
He wasn't drinking when we first got together but then increasingly he was. He would end things out of the blue then want to reconcile. Or flake on me at the last minute when I had child-free weekends when it was too late to make alternate plans. He was annoyed that I was going away for a mini-break with a male friend, with whom I have a completely platonic relationship.
He pressured me into doing quite kinky stuff that I wasn't all that into.
He could be absolutely lovely at times but I was never good enough for him... He would say I didn't call him enough, so I would call him daily. Then he would complain that he'd have to 'beg' for phonecalls. He would sulk if I ended up staying out late with friends (who also had kids, not like I was out on the razz or something) and didn't get round to calling him till late. He doesn't have kids and has way more free time than I do. I was always honest about my time limitations. I did try to break things off at one point but I was absolutely heartbroken and missed him loads so we got back together. He was furious when I ended things, this included him saying I was a horrible person and him sending me a photo of his swearing at the camera on Instagram!
We went away for my birthday and it was really stilted; the day before I had called him to check plans and have a chat and he'd declined my calls. So I didn't know whether it was actually going ahead till the day itself, which was a stressful way to start my birthday (he said he'd had an early night, and didn't remember declining my calls but I'd called at 6.30pm, who goes to bed that early unless they are ill? In which case he could have said he was having an early night. It was like he wanted me to be worried!).
I feel like for at least the last few months it has just been really just him playing mind games with me. And now he seems to have ghosted me.
I feel absolutely wretched. Any advice would be greatly welcomed as I feel completely dejected.