6 months wasted... help to get past the sunk costs fallacy

[BlueOysterCultz]

I have wasted 6 months on someone and I feel absolutely shit about myself.
How do I get past this? I think I put up with some really awful behaviour because I thought he might improve or we could go back to how things were in the beginning. But I realise that isn't the case anymore.
I have messaged him and called him on WhatsApp and he has not even opened the messages. I have a horrible feeling that he has archived me or something.
I know 6 months ain't that long in the grand scheme of things but it has been all of this year, basically.
He wasn't drinking when we first got together but then increasingly he was. He would end things out of the blue then want to reconcile. Or flake on me at the last minute when I had child-free weekends when it was too late to make alternate plans. He was annoyed that I was going away for a mini-break with a male friend, with whom I have a completely platonic relationship.
He pressured me into doing quite kinky stuff that I wasn't all that into.
He could be absolutely lovely at times but I was never good enough for him... He would say I didn't call him enough, so I would call him daily. Then he would complain that he'd have to 'beg' for phonecalls. He would sulk if I ended up staying out late with friends (who also had kids, not like I was out on the razz or something) and didn't get round to calling him till late. He doesn't have kids and has way more free time than I do. I was always honest about my time limitations. I did try to break things off at one point but I was absolutely heartbroken and missed him loads so we got back together. He was furious when I ended things, this included him saying I was a horrible person and him sending me a photo of his swearing at the camera on Instagram!

We went away for my birthday and it was really stilted; the day before I had called him to check plans and have a chat and he'd declined my calls. So I didn't know whether it was actually going ahead till the day itself, which was a stressful way to start my birthday (he said he'd had an early night, and didn't remember declining my calls but I'd called at 6.30pm, who goes to bed that early unless they are ill? In which case he could have said he was having an early night. It was like he wanted me to be worried!).

I feel like for at least the last few months it has just been really just him playing mind games with me. And now he seems to have ghosted me.

I feel absolutely wretched. Any advice would be greatly welcomed as I feel completely dejected.

What’s worse than wasting six months on a terrible relationship? Wasting 12 months! He’s not worth a minute more of your time.

No definitely not after marriage and further kids!! And no particular timeliness to work around.

My goal would be a longer term partner though: someone to go out to the theatre with, or a nice meal, or quiet nights in / pottering round at home.

It just feels like a colossal waste of my time in that after a few months we agreed to not date other people / be exclusive.

And I guess the sunk costs thing comes from me finding dating (chatting online, then the first few meet-ups) really difficult and stressful. I know you're meant to go in with low expectations and such but I have met some real weirdos on the apps such as one guy who had a really horrible fetish and another who just wanted phone sex. I really hate first dates! But I think that the replies in this thread have made me realise that no man is better than this fella.

Omg that is kind of chilling to read. Did not know that about narcissists but I guess it makes sense.
It was a horrible way to spend the day before my birthday, not knowing if I should have been planning to see my friends or not. Then on the morning of my actual birthday he texted me happy birthday all lovey-dovey. But it was already kind of ruined because I was so stressed by not hearing from him the day before. And then relieved. I wish I had just gone out with my friends instead of wasting time with him.. 😒

I’m sorry!!! It really is awful and I expect the ones saying it isn’t are probably long term married and have no idea how the dating scene is at the moment x

OP, you were lovebombed and his true character has emerged. Count your lucky blessings that he’s fucked off. You can do so much better

There’s some words on your update OP that are quite concerning about your outlook to dating.

The fact you say you need low expectation and it’s taken the comments from strangers to make you realise being single is preferable to dating this complete tosser.

No you don’t need low expectations when saying - you need standards and boundaries and you don’t accept being treated like shit by a prick like this one.

Please look at The Freedom Programme and don’t go near a msn until you’ve raised your bar.

You can't have regrets like this all your life. I am grandma age and there are plenty of chunks of my life that could have been much better spent - but, having wasted those bits of life, why waste more on regrets. That will just give you a bit more waste and something else to regret!!!

I guess that is what is so upsetting - truly I didn't think that this was love-bombing as there was no massive declarations of adoration, no bouquets of flowers... I guess the love-bombing was much more insidious! Maybe love-bomber types have got wise to people knowing about love-bombing now, so they're toning it down a bit?
Have been love-bombed in the past, "classic" love-bombing, and it felt very different with this guy.

Oh god, I went out with someone like that for two years. He only seemed happy when he was making me feel unbalanced, liked reeling me in and discarding me all the time, would demand praise and attention constantly, dished out the silent treatment - he was a complete and utter knob and I’m still bamboozled that I fell for that nonsense. Anyway, you haven’t wasted 6 months. You’ve had 6 months of valuable learning from a complete arse about respect and what you will and won’t tolerate in a relationship. It will stand you in very good stead for future relationships.

I'd laugh if it was the same bloke 😅

This guy seems to only be happy when I am unbalanced too. There is always with him, a few days of going quiet, or being mean and rude, or we'd split up / he had threatened to end things and I assumed he'd be sad too but I can see that this is his normal.. He loves drama and he loves me being stressed and not knowing where I stand I think. Can't think of any other reason why he's been so horrible about my birthday, for example.

And @MayaPinion I am really sorry that you had 2 years of this xxx

I think there are different types of narcissists. Some make every conversation, every situation about them. They are irritating and often callous but quite benign in that they don't set out to hurt people, they just don't comprehend that life doesn't revolve around them.

Then there are the predatory kind, which this guy might be. They do set out to hurt people because they enjoy testing how much someone will put up with just to be with them, how far they can manipulate someone else's feelings. It's about power as much as ego. At the start of a relationship they will hide all that, to reel the person in.

Then the tests will start, quite subtly to begin with - just causing an uncomfortable feeling. So subtle the person will question if they've read it wrong or are over reacting. (Maybe looking back you might recall other things that were a bit off.) But they will always follow that up with lovey doveyness. That keeps the person on the hook and reinforces their doubt about how they reacted to the bad behaviour. It serves two purposes. It feeds into what the person believed the relationship was (loving, kind, all the good stuff) and keeps them around hoping that overall, that is true. It also totally messes with their mind, lowers their self esteem and destroys any boundaries they had because they feel so happy, so relieved when their partner returns to the lovey dovey person they fell in love with.

In a way, I think, that relief is similar to how we feel after a trip to the dentist to fix a tooth ache. It's such a relief that the pain has stopped we are so happy just to feel normal again. Because of the manipulation it is sometimes hard to get away from a narcissist, but those who do feel that relief every day for a very long time.

That's such a great way to put it.
I think on reflection this is exactly how he behaved: nice (and really normal) at first, just having a half pint on dates and acting like you would expect someone to when you start dating. He did always talk a lot about himself to be honest.
But he then he would suddenly start going cold and I didn't know why. Or he would give really wierd reasons as to why he wasn't answering the phone or would be really cold and pissed off but wouldn't say why.

I dont think he has forgiven me for ending things even though I caved after a few days; he has made reference to it lots as well as suggested I am cheating on him with my friend. But when he has decided that we are not going to work out and then changed his mind, then I have taken this in good faith and not gone on about it.

A relationship shouldn't be this difficult or stressful. If a man is showing this kind of behaviour early on in the relationship, then he's not going to get any better. You aren't stupid, so therefore you must have known deep down that he wasn't likely to change. You've continually accepted his behaviour, and even taken him back numerous times. Your bar is set extremely low, to tolerate this for 6 months. Please seek some therapy to understand why you're accepting behaviour like this, and to raise your self-esteem. Engaging in 'kinky' stuff that you're not interested in, just to please a man, is not the way to go. You should never ever do anything sexual, that you aren't 100% comfortable with. Any decent man, would understand and accept your boundaries. Take this opportunity now, to block this man from your life. Be grateful it's only 6 months, and not years wasted on this man. He's not worth your time or energy. Seek some professional therapy before you start another relationship, because you are likely to end up in a similar relationship again, and the cycle will keep on.

What did you get that was positive from this "relationship?" You were scraping the barrel. Why are you prepared to put up with all that? Boundaries exist so you have standards for what you will accept.

@sassybooklover thank you for saying that. You are right; it really shouldn't be this stressful. I would say I have been stressed about 75% of the time since I met him. Which is frustrating and crazy as I know logically I shouldn't be waking up and wondering if / when I hear from him or if so, what kind of mood will he be in (normal, really OTT sexual and wanting to be doing phone sex, or just complete silence).
I feel like a total melt for wasting my time with him. I am not sure I have even enjoyed it a lot of the time. But my brain feels scrambled by the constant changes in his behaviour, and the relief I feel when I hear from him after several days.
He is "ill" a lot or says he has had a really early night a lot. So I don't know, maybe he is seeing someone else too or something. Maybe he is hungover

I think going in with low expectations might be part of the problem.

Are you looking to have loads of first dates? Just someone different to spend an evening with? Dating around to decide what your must haves/deal breakers are?

Or are you hoping for an actual relationship?

Because, if it's the former, then it's fine to go in with low expectations. But if if it's the latter and you're looking for someone to actually share your life, your time and your body with, then you absolutely need to have high expectations around what you expect and accept!

Have low expectations in terms of the outcome, yes, in the sense that you shouldn't expect every first date to become MrBlueOysterCultz but decency, kindness and respect should be absolute bare minimums and not something you consider to he high expectations.

When someone shows you that they're not who you want or thought they were or you need to have lots of conversations to explain why certain behaviours are unacceptable to you or find yourself having to get past things or take things at face value or wishing you could go bacl to the way things were rightbat the beginning, then, at the very least, you're just not compatible.

It is kind of embarrassing to answer this question 🥴

As lately there has been virtually no positives at all.
In the beginning it was all the usual stuff you would expect, meals out, trips to museums, going to the pub, "Netflix and Chill". Companionship and someone sending me nice messages wishing me good morning and hope I have a nice day.

I do think from reading this thread that I should have been more boundaried early on, when the rot started to set in.

I feel like maybe he was setting little "tests" for me.
Like - could I be persuaded to try kinky stuff

• could I swap round the days my kids were with their dad so I could meet him (wasn't possible but he did sulk)
• would I still want to see him if he was rude to me
• would I still want to see him if he had ghosted me for 48, 72 hours without explanation or cancelled plans last-minute

maybe he is seeing someone else too or something. Maybe he is hungover

Maybe he's just not all that and not worth your time and all the worry...

Just be thankful that it hasn't been longer than 6 months and use it as a learning experience for what you're going to do differently next time

When someone sets tests like this, and you 'pass', you do so by dishonouring and disrespecting yourself.

You are expecting someone you have just met/barely know to have more respect for you than you have for yourself and it doesn't work like that.

It's one of the reasons people pleasers eventually feel taken advantage of. People generally don't respect people who don't show they respect themselves.

No sunken costs, just dating a complete and utter sh*t who you can now block & move on from.

I’d go back through your original post & think hard about every situation you’ve outlined to us. I’m not victim blaming at all, his terrible behaviour is all on him. However, to stop ‘crashing in the same car’ you need to understand why you put up with this creep for 6 days, let alone 6 months.

Again, I’m not criticising you. Think of him as a deeply unpleasant experiment. Definitely have nothing more to do with him - he sounds unhinged.

He is unhinged at times; grand schemes, calling late at night, very firm opinions and loves a "debate" (which is him saying why I am wrong), getting absolutely shit-faced mid-week. I agree with PP who said that he is a drinker and was hiding it initially.

Fair point! I don't really like myself for numerous reasons. So kind of makes sense.

Sounds like he bought into the nasty and puerile behaviour of "treat 'em mean, keep 'em keen". What an a-hole.

Block him. Work on your self esteem. Move on.

A h, it was my own fault. I should have dumped his sorry arse the first time he came crawling back after the silent treatment. It’ll never happen to me again 😊