Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. A phone that grows with your child.

Meet the Other Phone.
A phone that grows with your child.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Break up message

43 replies

Holibobby · 27/07/2025 23:26

I’ve been dating a guy for 3 months and it was very love-Bomby to begin with - whisking me off to a concert, sending me champagne to my home address - it was all quite intense but I fell for it all thinking maybe he was genuine. Fast forward to about 6 weeks ago he started to act a little more distant and I felt the shift.

Continued going on dates had lots of fun but next day walked away always hungover (all our dates involved drink) and very confused - he was completely different the next day. I was convinced he was already in a relationship as he was always away and never that available.

Long story short he left my message unopened for a couple of days last weekend - I felt quite hurt and rejected so decided I needed to step off this emotional rollercoaster and go no contact with him
so when he did reply I didn’t reply. The ridiculous anxiety I had constantly checking my phone lifted and I started to feel a lot better in myself. Untill his name popped up on my phone today! It was a mixture of adrenaline and excitement initially.

when I opened the message it was to say he thinks that I’m a beautiful person inside and out but he is relocating down south (where he literally spent most of his time with work) and he doesn’t want to mess me around. It was a really nice message saying he is looking forward to seeing me finish my PhD (through instagram). He said another reason was the lack of communication between us - but it was him who originally pulled back.

I sent a really nice message back saying I had a great couple of months with him and agreed about it not working out. However, I want to know what he meant about the lack of communication. Do I just leave it or am I within my rights to ask? Don’t want to seem like I’m desperately looking for validation but I also want to know what I done wrong.

Even though I had detached a lot this last week, the message has still hit me a bit deep, I’m trying to sit with it and reflect but I’ve now got a sudden urge to ask what went wrong with communication. Last time I tried to bring up a problem he deflected it and was very vague / didn’t answer - so he might do the same. In that case maybe I’m better leaving it with the nice and composed message I’ve already sent. Im also not sure why he wants to stay on my Instagram

OP posts:
BelaLugosisThread · 27/07/2025 23:32

Oh don't bother asking anything. All the best for your move! Done

DorothyStorm · 27/07/2025 23:38

Agreed. Ask nothing. And delete him from your instagram.

fateisdestined2025 · 27/07/2025 23:40

Always trust your gut. Seems like he’s already in a relationship with someone. Probably wants to stay on your Instagram so when things aren’t right at home and he’s near you…he can give you a call. He’s looking for attention because he knows what he’s done (withdrawing and now blaming you). Ignore and let him suffer by blocking him on instagram.

SpryCat · 27/07/2025 23:40

He’s done you a big favour, if he was love bombing you in the beginning and ignoring you after just 3 months, he’s just dicking you about. The lack of communication was his problem but he’s making out it was you. Any questions you have he’s not going to be answer, so let him go.
Block him on your phone and SM.

Sunflowers67 · 27/07/2025 23:44

Lucky escape - end of - bye bye and block.

Gettoachiro · 27/07/2025 23:46

Don't ask, block him and on other things too. Look forward.

chachahide · 27/07/2025 23:49

He knows what he’s doing, it’s now YOUR fault for poor comms when you can categorically show the poor comms started with him… but he could have picked anything. He needs to re-write the narrative to justify his shitty behaviour.

Make the message as brief as you can!

Original poster
Holibobby · 27/07/2025 23:51

I think I just worry that because my walls are too high - and I called him out on something recently that I’ve messed it all up.

He said on our last date that he just matches my energy - which I didn’t understand. But I guess my walls were high for a reason and this gut feeling of mine has been lingering for a while now about him having this ‘double life’.

OP posts:
Original poster
Holibobby · 27/07/2025 23:53

@chachahide That really makes sense about re-writing the narrative. I don’t even think he is re-locating I think he likes having whatever he does down south and then a house up here too so he literally plucked whatever he could out of thin air

OP posts:
FetchezLaVache · 27/07/2025 23:53

IMHO, that guff about communication is your punishment for daring not to reply to his message. Your final message sounds very good - just leave it at that!

MeganM3 · 27/07/2025 23:55

You’ll get no answers that help anything.
It was him who withdrew. No one doesn’t look at their phone for 2 days, he didn’t reply to you because it wasn’t a priority or he was playing games.

Also agree it sounds as though he is already in a relationship.

Don’t look back. You’ll have forgotten all about him soon enough.

Thunderpants88 · 27/07/2025 23:55

Don’t do it. You will give him the upper hand in his head.

wish him all the best and be nonchalant-leave him wondering why it was so easy for you to walk away.

Don’t play his game

Original poster
Holibobby · 27/07/2025 23:58

@FetchezLaVache I did wonder if that was a punishment thing. He started the message with ‘no blame on your part’ but then this proceeded with the lack of communication.

He was out of the country the majority of our time dating but he said not long ago that he hasent made as much effort but he will step up and then he said that I basically am too social/busy and he doesn’t feel like a priority in my life. Which does not make sense as he’s never around

OP posts:
AuntieDolly · 28/07/2025 00:01

Don’t ask - it will drive him crazy. I bet he’ll be breadcrumbing you before long

Original poster
Holibobby · 28/07/2025 00:07

I think the niceness of his message really threw me off - I started to feel guilty today for withdrawing contact this week (which I done for my own sanity). Weirdly as soon as I started having these feelings of guilt the message come through from him. The fact that it was so nice made me feel even guiltier for ignoring him.

OP posts:
80smonster · 28/07/2025 00:10

Forget the questions, what’s meant for you doesn’t pass you by. He sounds like a bounder.

Rolosaregoo · 28/07/2025 00:13

He is trying to make you feel bad and control the narrative. He didn’t want to be left on read, so that message was him trying to take control and being the one who called time on a relationship that was clearly already over.

A man I dated for a couple of months treated me poorly by being wishy washy about commitment. When I basically said I wasn’t happy having sex with no commitment, he started reducing communication to the point where he didn’t reply to my last message to him. I reckon he expected me to start panicking, blow up his phone with messages and basically chase him.

7 weeks went by and nothing from me 😂he eventually reached out by text.

I just ignored him. He will never hear from me again. If he ever does message again he still won’t get a reply. There’s nothing else to say.

He misjudged me, he thought I would settle for the crumbs he was offering once he pulled back.

In a similar way it sounds like this man misjudged you. He thought you would chase him and even with his last text he probably wanted you to start doubting yourself and engage in a discussion over who was to blame.

You did everything right with your response IMO, you agreed it was over and stayed cool. It was probably not the reaction he was hoping for.

Hold your nerve and don’t ask him about to explain the communication comment or tie yourself in knots about it! I’d also delete him from social media and move on.

Rolosaregoo · 28/07/2025 00:20

Holibobby · 28/07/2025 00:07

I think the niceness of his message really threw me off - I started to feel guilty today for withdrawing contact this week (which I done for my own sanity). Weirdly as soon as I started having these feelings of guilt the message come through from him. The fact that it was so nice made me feel even guiltier for ignoring him.

That’s probably his plan. He wants you to feel guilty and he wants to repair his image so he comes out smelling roses.

His last message wasn’t that nice when you read between the lines. Rather than admitting he dropped the ball it sounds like he is trying to shift some of the blame onto you and act like he’s the good guy, while not acknowledging he was the reason the communication dwindled.

Did you sleep with him, OP? If so I assume he lost interest shortly after that and his true colours came out since he got what he came for. Ego boost, validation and sex. Not all men are like this but some are.

Continued going on dates had lots of fun but next day walked away always hungover (all our dates involved drink) and very confused - he was completely different the next day

This sounds like he’s wearing a mask and is emotionally unavailable if he can’t stay sober for any of your dates and is so different the next day. I suspect you don’t know the real him at all.

Unexpectedlysinglemum · 28/07/2025 00:22

He's annoyed that you failed his test to see if you'd allow him to treat you like crap

My ex literally did that ignore for two days thing to me, I thought we'd worked through it he apologized etc, 10 months later he stormed off again when I was 8 months pregnant. Be warned!

TheSlantedOwl · 28/07/2025 00:25

He really did a number on you if you were feeling guilty for detaching from someone who was pushing you away!

Don't ask, don’t seek anything at all, it will drive him mad. And delete from instagram.

Original poster
Holibobby · 28/07/2025 00:30

@Rolosaregoo Thank you for sharing your experience. That sounds exactly like this situation. When he started to pull back and do less and less I put boundaries in place / he invited me over to his house I said nope we’re dating so I expect a date not a welcome to your house. He took me on the date. But on our last date he said to me that I’m so hard to read, he said most girls want a relationship. I said I’m not most girls. Later on in the evening he said ‘what have I done so wrong to hurt you’ in response to some sarcasm I made by calling him out on a few things. He defintley wanted an emotional reaction from me and even though inside he was stirring up so many emotions in me - I never let him see that.

OP posts:
Original poster
Holibobby · 28/07/2025 00:41

I was really nice in my reply. I told him I had a really great couple of months with him (even though they were like being on an emotional rollercoaster) and wished him well starting his new chapter with relocating.

A few of you have said he will be annoyed I didn’t react. I think he’s probably relieved that I made it so easy.

He said he would have liked to have told me in person but didn’t know when we were next seeing each other - in the original message he sent he said he was home on Saturday and I had not replied. So maybe that was directed towards being annoyed I hadn’t initiated another date

OP posts:
Cardinalita90 · 28/07/2025 01:01

Urgh, MEN! When they check out but have the nerve to blame it on you - i had the same thing recently. I see it as them doing me a favour. If they can't communicate properly this early on, they'll be a nightmare when
things actually get hard.

Leave him where he is and don't give him any power by asking him for an explanation.

Elektra1 · 28/07/2025 07:08

What are you going to get out of asking him about the communication thing? His answer will be something you don’t agree with, or feel you can explain/justify - but that isn’t going to change his mind so what’s the point? For whatever reason - probably not the reasons he’s given - he’s decided this isn’t for him. Accept that and move on. I would unfollow him on social media too.

Something similar happened to me a few months ago - someone I’d been seeing a while, who had seemed SO into me - suddenly the energy just changed, messaging dropped off, etc. I didn’t say anything as thought I’d ask about it when we next met in person. But before that happened, I saw a picture on her Insta story of her with an ex, from which it was very clear that they were together again. When she eventually sent me a voice note (a voice note! From a 49 year old woman!) to explain that she’d “reconnected with someone from her past” I replied very briefly and that was that. I was surprised by how un-upset I was by this, because I had really liked her. It was as if by showing me that she wasn’t that into me after all, my interest immediately died. Which was liberating. Anyone who isn’t really into you, is not the one for you.

HelloHattie · 28/07/2025 07:15

Leave it and block him on insta.