Break up message

[Holibobby]

I’ve been dating a guy for 3 months and it was very love-Bomby to begin with - whisking me off to a concert, sending me champagne to my home address - it was all quite intense but I fell for it all thinking maybe he was genuine. Fast forward to about 6 weeks ago he started to act a little more distant and I felt the shift.

Continued going on dates had lots of fun but next day walked away always hungover (all our dates involved drink) and very confused - he was completely different the next day. I was convinced he was already in a relationship as he was always away and never that available.

Long story short he left my message unopened for a couple of days last weekend - I felt quite hurt and rejected so decided I needed to step off this emotional rollercoaster and go no contact with him
so when he did reply I didn’t reply. The ridiculous anxiety I had constantly checking my phone lifted and I started to feel a lot better in myself. Untill his name popped up on my phone today! It was a mixture of adrenaline and excitement initially.

when I opened the message it was to say he thinks that I’m a beautiful person inside and out but he is relocating down south (where he literally spent most of his time with work) and he doesn’t want to mess me around. It was a really nice message saying he is looking forward to seeing me finish my PhD (through instagram). He said another reason was the lack of communication between us - but it was him who originally pulled back.

I sent a really nice message back saying I had a great couple of months with him and agreed about it not working out. However, I want to know what he meant about the lack of communication. Do I just leave it or am I within my rights to ask? Don’t want to seem like I’m desperately looking for validation but I also want to know what I done wrong.

Even though I had detached a lot this last week, the message has still hit me a bit deep, I’m trying to sit with it and reflect but I’ve now got a sudden urge to ask what went wrong with communication. Last time I tried to bring up a problem he deflected it and was very vague / didn’t answer - so he might do the same. In that case maybe I’m better leaving it with the nice and composed message I’ve already sent. Im also not sure why he wants to stay on my Instagram

He’s in a relationship. He either made up with an old flame or he stayed in the dating apps and started dating someone new. Don’t waste any more of your precious time on him. I’m sure if his current relationship doesn’t work out he will be in touch. Make sure you have blocked him on everything well before then.

Yes I definitely recognise the similar dynamics of what happened to you! I like that you too put more boundaries in place when he pulled back. I am sure it isn’t what he was expecting, he under-estimated you. I suspect he has had more success stringing these “other girls”along and is disappointed he wasn’t able to with you.

I honestly do feel he is still thinking about your last text 😆wondering where he went wrong in not being able to get into your head and gain control the way he planned to.

I think this may not be the last you’ve heard of him. He will think of you and him as unfinished business. I’d strongly recommend either politely shutting it down if he texts again or just ignoring and/ or blocking him.

He likes you obviously and the relationship isn’t going to work with distance.
i wouldn’t ask anything about the relationship.
move on.

Thank you to everyone for commenting, this really stopped me spiraling last night and reaching out to him. What I thought was a ‘really nice message’ which had me confused, I can now see was him avoiding blame etc. I probably should remove him from social media as he was one of the first people to look at my story on there today, not sure why he wants to linger, as when I break up with someone I prefer it to be a clean break.

@Holibobby Dont ask he has issues .
He loved bombed you then pulled back to make you uneasy see how far he could push you and play with you. It didn’t work he got his own medicine and now he’s trying to pull you back in .

Leave well alone

Trust your gut, move on. He’s really not worth anymore of your headspace or time.

You could ask, but I dont think youd get an answer that would be at all helpful. So I wouldnt, if you need to tear over the bones of it, get the girls round and talk about it. But ignore him

Yup, my ex too was like this. Left my house in a strop and then ghosted me for a week so silly. This is a 55 year old man 🤦🏻‍♀️. I just wanted closure so reached out to him and as I wanted to end it safely (he’d been getting increasingly paranoid, agitated and violent with others though not me) so I just agreed with his completely one sided appraisal of our two year relationship. It was so hard to bite my tongue and not call him out on his bs and selective memory but of course prioritising my safety I just agreed with it all and wished him well.

Sometimes I fantasise about bumping into him and giving him the the real piece of my mind - I didn’t realise how long the ‘bitterness’ of having him smugly leave the relationship as the ‘good innocent’ one would stay with me 😅..

Sounds like there might be a problematic drinking / subs abuse ... all the fake love bombing ... then when he thinks he's done enough at 6 weeks he 'relaxes' to expose the real 'quality' of the relationship.

Anyone who leaves you confused or unsettled is a "No".

What were you calling him out on? Doesnt sound like there was any compatibility there at all - but not sure he didnt 'hurt' you - thats not a pop at you - but he has got under your skin and you could maybe ask yourself honestly if you 'enjoyed' the roller-coaster - and if not why did you not get off earlier.

There's nothing you did that was wrong.

You have just dodged a bullet.
Delete him from everything.

He, for some reason, has decided:

either it's not worth the effort to hook you in (possibly because you're too intelligent, i.e. Ph.D. student)
or: he's upping the stakes because he thinks he can extract more from you than he initially thought.
He exhibited all the flags of a malignant narcissist from the beginning. For example, first major "red flag" was the champagne to your home address at such an early stage of the relationship.

Later he "blanks" you (feeding an appetite he's created - potentially addictive).
He's poison. Run away. Don't look back.

Please be very careful here. Dont assume you are 'safe'. Stats show that the risk of violence to women is increased in the two years AFTER the end of a relationship. Make sure you have a ring-doorbell, 24/7 dash cam etc. Tell your friends, family, colleagues not to engage with him or express your concerns. Sounds like he is very mentally unstable and violent and this might well escalate.

You have shown yourself to be composed and dignified so I would leave it at that. Just think of all of that anxiety he caused you, now he is out of your life he can never do that to you again. The communication crap is just his cowardly excuse. Chin up and move on, you deserve better

I think it's like playing tennis. Currently, as you played the ball to him by replying, he has the ball. You can message again but he'll have two tennis balls.

You can wait until he plays more of the game, stay involved and play more volleys. But whenever you return play he has the final say on whether he responds or not.

Or leave the court.

As you say you no longer wish to play I think you should leave the court. He can respond or not but you're not playing any games so it doesn't matter.

You’ve done nothing wrong. Wish him well and move on. His loss

These messages are really helpful. Went for a big walk this evening and felt like a weight had already lifted. It had lifted when I went no contact but as soon as he messaged yesterday, all the adrenaline came flooding back. So, hopefully in the next couple of weeks I will stop thinking about him.

You're over analysing it since you were only seeing him 2 months. There's nothing wrong with you. Block him and move on.

Absolutely this! 100%!!!

Your reply was perfect so don't send another one.

His ego will be dented. He's a player. Like a PP said you'll have forgotten about him soon enough.

Yeah, that or trying to relieve some guilt by blaming the OP.

It certainly means nothing and isn't worth clarifying. (In fact, if asked, he'd be put on the spot and probably have to make something up to justify it so even asking won't elicit the truth.)