Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. A phone that grows with your child.

Meet the Other Phone.
A phone that grows with your child.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Please tell me if this is acceptable

42 replies

bottleofvodka · 27/07/2025 14:05

Hi all

Will keep it quick. Im in a relationship with my dp for 2 years. When we met I knew he was into some kinky things, some of which we shared. He was part of an online website, as was his ex. In general it didn't bother me that he was on it from time to time.

About a year ago I discovered he was on another website where his profile was set to looking for a couple or female for fun. I discovered it by accident and we almost broke up. He said his profile was set up before we got together and he usually logged in to treat it as p*rn.

This morning I discovered he has been looking at his ex profile and pics, 4 times in the last month and has read all her blog updates. I feel he has massively crossed a line here. It's one thing looking at pics of strangers... not his ex. They shared a home together. He has now told me that my Insecurities are at fault here and has broken up with me.

He really crossed the line here didn't he.

OP posts:
YesHonestly · 27/07/2025 14:05

Yes he did.

And his reaction when you confronted him tells you everything you need to know.

Chuck this one back OP, you deserve better x

SeagullFreeZone · 27/07/2025 14:05

You should have broken up a year ago.

sesquipedalian · 27/07/2025 14:11

OP, not at all acceptable; you’re much better off without him.

TwistedWonder · 27/07/2025 14:49

SeagullFreeZone · 27/07/2025 14:05

You should have broken up a year ago.

Agree with this. That old ‘my profile was set up before we met and I forgot about it’ chestnut - it’s up there with the most overused lies in the cheats handbook.

GreyCarpet · 27/07/2025 14:50

Yes he did.

Kidsgotothatschool · 27/07/2025 14:51

SeagullFreeZone · 27/07/2025 14:05

You should have broken up a year ago.

Absolutely this. Be relieved he’s gone.

MounjaroMounjaro · 27/07/2025 14:52

You have just lost a seedy porn-riddled cheat, OP. Pour yourself a drink to celebrate!

MounjaroMounjaro · 27/07/2025 14:53

As they say on here, "The trash has taken itself out."

NeverTrustaCherryTomato · 27/07/2025 14:54

Do not be surprised if he attempts to come back. Be strong @bottleofvodka , don't doubt yourself, know that he will do it again. His kink or his ex, whatever, is what's important to him.

RosesAndHellebores · 27/07/2025 14:55

If you need to ask, you know it isn't.

Lick your wounds, dust yourself down and start the rest of your life. This one was a frog not a Prince.

Once you have cleared yiur head, you will be so much happier.

Whatever you do, don't let the slimy blighter hop back into your life with a heap of toady promises.

JudgeBread · 27/07/2025 14:57

I mean it doesn't really matter if he's broken up with you does it?

Sounds like he's set you free to be honest, I hate men who use "kink" as an excuse to be unfaithful and disrespectful to their partners. That's not kinky that's just being a dick.

Original poster
bottleofvodka · 27/07/2025 15:18

No it doesn't matter who broke up with who. He did that to turn it on me, that he is the victim and trying to get me to get back with him. We were away for the weekend when I discoverer it. He is making his way home by bus. Im currently at my house, packing the few things he has here so he can take them when he gets his car.

I know I'm better off. I don't trust myself any more so I needed some opinions. When I confronted him about the other website last year, he called me psycho for checking up on him online. Well rid now. Lots of lies

OP posts:
NeverTrustaCherryTomato · 27/07/2025 15:26

Well rid now.

Yes, you are. Keep that thought foremost when or if you feel any grief for the loss of the relationshp or what you should have had.

You will learn to trust yourself again when 'you' come back to the surface Flowers

Original poster
bottleofvodka · 27/07/2025 17:20

Thank you so much.

OP posts:
Original poster
bottleofvodka · 27/07/2025 20:10

Thanks everyone. I really am doubting myself now. I feel so stupid. The red flags were there for so long.

OP posts:
PaperMachePanda · 27/07/2025 20:13

Definitely well rid. He didn't just cross a line he ran a marathon through it and dived over the finish line for luck.

Franwith2and1 · 27/07/2025 23:31

Could have written your post myself
blaming you for looking not what he’s doing
the leaving is all to make you beg
please don’t
from experiences is the tip of the iceberg
plenty you won’t have seen
sorry leave please

slightlydistrac · 27/07/2025 23:42

Blimey, you are well rid of him. Good riddance.

Yelloello · 27/07/2025 23:47

Yes you are well rid Op but be careful to stay strong if he circles back and tries to reel you back in.

Sometimes men like that use breaking up as a tactic to turn things around, and make you feel like you’ve did something wrong in the hope that you’ll back down and be the ones who begs to reconcile! It’s one manifestation of DARVO.

slightlydistrac · 27/07/2025 23:52

I agree, he'll now go all out trying to persuade you how unreasonable and ridiculous you are being, and that nobody else but him would put up with someone as crazy and controlling as you, etc etc.

Your 'insecurities' are not at fault. He is an untrustworthy slimeball.

Stay strong and keep him well dumped.

MuckFusk · 28/07/2025 01:26

bottleofvodka · 27/07/2025 20:10

Thanks everyone. I really am doubting myself now. I feel so stupid. The red flags were there for so long.

Never mind the red flags you missed. You're rid of the POS now. That's what matters. Why not get together with some girlfriends and celebrate to help you cheer up? If they aren't available, I offer a toast to you and your freedom from prickery.🥂

Original poster
bottleofvodka · 28/07/2025 06:27

A little bit of an update.

He collected his belongings this morning at 6am. I left his items outside yesterday for him to collect when he collected his car. He took his car but not his belongings. I messaged him and asked him to take them last night before 10am or they would be disposed of. I think he was drinking so he couldn't come over until this morning. So I took them inside because it was raining.

So he messaged me to say he was outside. I brought them out. It's funny that he was so mad at me, like I had done something wrong. There was no remorse or attempt to apologise, in a way that made things easier. But It's funny that he is still the "victim". What an a55hole.

OP posts:
SparklyGlitterballs · 28/07/2025 06:36

What a complete twat he is OP. Well done for packing up his things and giving him his marching orders. Did he have a key? If so, consider changing the barrel in your lock, just for your own security. I wouldn't ever trust anyone who had a key to my property, if we'd fallen out.

Original poster
bottleofvodka · 28/07/2025 08:19

Thank you. He did have a key which he gave back to me this morning. I will be changing the locks ASAP. It's annoying because so many people have a key to my house ( trusted friends, family members, my ex husband, my childrens babysitter...all for emergencies) so will have to get loads cut. But so be it.

I was diagnosed with adhd a few years ago and one of the things I find hard is to trust myself and my gut. He made me doubt everything. Thank you to the person who mentioned Darvo..... I had read about that before (my mother has a lot of narcissistic traits) but had forgotten about it. He is definitely the victim in his eyes and his treatment of me this morning confirms that.

OP posts:
Yelloello · 28/07/2025 09:10

Well done OP.

I’d say it’s not by accident that he left his belongings the first time. Sounds like he was trying to keep the door open by having you hold onto his stuff indefinitely . Now that you have effectively forced him to collect all his property, he has no excuse to contact you about anything.

He’s angry because he wanted to be calling the shots and he can see that you’re really moving on and it’s not what he expected.

I mentioned DARVO because yes this is a classic case of it. He is just upset it didn’t go his way.