BF moving female friend in.

[Lyra74]

I've been seeing BF for around 19 months now and planning to live together from next spring, although I feel ready to live together now but he doesn't. We live about 50 miles away from each other. He currently has a lodger who has decided to move out next week, only giving notice yesterday, so BF is looking at options to fill the gap in income. He has an old friend who has recently bought a house in another city but is staying 3 or 4 days in a cheap rent during the week as she has yet to find a job where her new home is. Yesterday he suggested he ask her to lodge with him during the week. Seems to make sense as she is hoping to find a job in her new home town within next 6 months or so, and she will go home at weekends when I will visit him. BUT, I'm just not comfortable 😵‍💫 So now I'm feeling a dick. Wondering how I can be ok about it? Really want to be, but not there at all. I'm wondering if it's because I haven't met her. He's known her for last 40 years almost, says there is no history between them. Just old friends from college. She's been married had kids, lived away, came back to live local a few years ago after divorce. Around last Christmas he went with her to view a house. He told me afterwards. I then found out he'd been walking with her a few times which he didn't tell me about. I was ill with flu, he checked in with me early one day then said he'd phone me in a bit. Seven hours later I phoned him and turns out he'd been out walking with her. I don't think there is anything going on there. I'm just jealous I guess. Not relishing the thought of them 2 hanging out every night in the week together whilst I'm sat home alone 50 miles away. Any thoughts, wisdom welcome. I'm not a young person anymore and feel I should be better at dealing with these feelings lol!

I think it’s a good thing you haven’t moved in with him. This will be useful to assess what kind of partner he is. A good partner will understand that it’s difficult on a relationship if he actually spends most of his evenings with his good female friend who lives with him.

She’s a friend of 40 years
I’d presume he didn’t initially tell you about the walk as he took the path of least resistance as he knew you wouldn’t be happy

if I were him I wouldn’t ditch a friend of 40 years

He’ll chose his friend over you. Work on why you’re uncomfortable

I would see this as a good opportunity to test the resilience of the relationship and his sensitivity. He should be able to have her move in without you feeling bothered about it.

Your relationship should continue as before. If you see less of him or he talks endlessly about her, or he gets flaky…. It’s good to know now before you move in.

Why don't you suggest meeting her when you next see your bf? Maybe once you've met her and see them together you'll get a vibe for whether they're mates or if there's a spark forming. I agree it will be a good test for your relationship and I get why you feel jealous.

Id also suggest you're not quick to give up your own home if you do ever move in with him, in case it doesn't work out.

I wouldn't be happy about it OP.

I think the fact he doesn't feel ready to live with you but is obviously happy for this woman friend to move into his home indicates he is closer to her than you. That he is more comfortable with her.
And if they are going to be living together their emotional connection will grow.

I would feel like the outsider in their close relationship.

Hmmm. When I met my husband, he had a beautiful female lodger. Model like, I’m not exaggerating. Tall, thin, stunning. Genuinely never bothered me. She had a boyfriend 🤷🏻‍♀️ he did think she was gorgeous. He was a single guy when he met her and I thought she was gorgeous too! But I was never jealous or worried.

she lived with him for about 6
months or so of our relationship.

I think we’re all different and all have different things that bother us. If it bothers you, it bothers you. That’s ok.

I couldn’t stay in this, they are obviously very close friends not only to live together but share free time walking together, he’s changed his mind about living with you, gets to see you weekends when she’s conveniently away. Just because they’ve known each other along time it doesn’t mean something is or could happen.
How do you feel communication has changed since she’s moved in?
I think the fact that he’s changed his mind about living with you, says he’s not as serious about the relationship as you.

I think the fact that he’s changed his mind about living with you, says he’s not as serious about the relationship as you.

She doesn't say he's changed his mind. They weren't planning to move in together until next spring and it's currently this summer. Next spring is months away and he's helping out a friend in the meantime. He already has a lodger and the friend is currently job hunting. This is only intended to be a temporary measure.

OP, I cant comment on this man, your relationship or his friend. No one can because we don't know him.

But a few general things.

It is fine for him to go for a walk with a friend and not tell you in advance. Its even OK for him to do that when you're not feeling very well. And it's OK for that friend to be a woman.

My son is 26. Prime 'arsehole' age for men! His best friend is female. His current flatmate is male but his two previous ones were female - friends from school and university. Both he and his flatmates have had relationships with other people during this time. He has never cheated on anyone. It's just not in his nature. Not all men are actually bad and looking to deceive their partners.

He and his best friend do a lot together. They know everything about each other and have a holiday booked together in the autumn. There is nothing else between them.

He asked me a few weeks ago if I thought his bf being female could cause problems in relationships (it hasn't so far). I was honest with him and said it could but he just needed to be honest with any woman he dated. Introduce them so they know each other as people like you would with any friend. And I would say the same to you.

If you are uncomfortable with the situation, tell him. If he intentionally (rather than circumstantially) keeps you apart, that would be more of a concern to me.

You're not in competition with this friend for his time, attention or consideration just because she is female. And she is not an automatic threat to your relationship either for this reason alone.

I think the fact he doesn't feel ready to live with you but is obviously happy for this woman friend to move into his home indicates he is closer to her than you. That he is more comfortable with her.

Come.on, you must be able to see that letting a friend lodge with you during the week for a few months is very different to the emotional, mental, physical and financial commitment of moving in with someone!

Thanks everyone for your thoughts. I'm not worried at all that there is anything between them and I don't have a problem with them going walking, spending time together etc. I would rather he be up front about it, which he is 99 percent of the time, just out of courtesy really, as I am with him. So I don't expect him to call me or me to bother him whilst he is busy. It's the same when I'm out with friends. I've also known from the start that she existed just never actually met her.
It's more that I want to be with him. As our relationship has grown I've struggled more with the distance and only spending weekends together. I'm so ready to be living together and I know he wants that too, as he's making lots of plans and home improvements. We've had numerous holidays and have spent time together at his and mine. Life together is just lovely. I guess I'm emotional that he didn't just think sod it and ask me to move in earlier rather than wanting another lodger.

Yesterday he suggested he ask her to lodge with him during the week

A good man wouldn't even ask that. He's testing the waters to see what you'll tolerate and what he can get away with.

Don't be silly.

He has a rough plan with the OP to move in together in spring.

He has a friend who has bought a house and currently job hunting in that area who will be lodging with him during the week.

19 months of dating would be too quick for me to move in with someone but I can see how the company of a friend lodging would be quite nice.

A 'good man' would share these details with his partner in line with their own current plans and a good man would step in with a suggestion which could resolve his friend's current housing issue which is exactly what he's done. He currently has a lodger anyway. It's no different. Nothing has changed in terms of his plans with the OP.

She's trying to work through her (perfectly understandable) feelings and, rather than offering a space to do that, other people are just trying to stir up shit.

Lyra74 I think your feelings are understandable.

I'm assuming the 74 is your birth year, which makes you the same age as me.

I personally wouldn't have a problem with this in the circumstances you describe and I'm certainly not someone who makes apologies for crap men.

Moving in with someone is such a big commitment and doesn't come without risk. As a heart decision, I can see why you'd want to move the date forward but, as a head decision, next spring is still a good timescale.

Tbh, if he'd suggested you moving in sooner, you might well have thrashed out the details and decided that it was best to wait for spring anyway.

My partner was keen for us to live together and I needed more time. Not for any negative reasons but we're different people with different experiences, different personalities and different things to consider.

I'd have been happy living separately forever, tbh, but it made sense. For him, moving in together was a heart decision; for me, it was definitely head 🤷🏻‍♀️

So he's lied to you and rather than have you move in, he's having another woman move in?

Back into the sea with this one!

I think it is more worrying that he doesn't want to live together yet. By 19 months he should know what he wants. He seems to enjoy keeping his distance.

I agree with SilverHammers comment above here OP. I think the female friend living with him issue is a red herring and it’s the fact he isn’t moving at the same pace as you that’s more the issue here. I think asking you to wait another 12 months almost to move in together is a big ask. I would probably be getting fed up at this point.

But they've only been together for 19 months!

I moved in with my partner after 2+ years. And, tbh, there are some days I long to live alone still. Not because he's not great - he is. But because I miss the aloneness of it.

Having a lodger, even a friend, is not the same as co-habiting with a partner. He's told jer he wants that and they have a time line. It doesn't need to change just because his lodger has moved out.

Why the hurry to live together?

I wouldn’t be completely okay with it either to be honest. Not after he’s lied/withheld information from you about spending time with her in the past. He shouldn’t feel the need to lie, and if it’s because he wanted the path of least resistance and not have to deal with you being jealous about it that only makes it worse for me because it’s cowardly. And if you are so scary when you’re jealous that he needs to lie/minimise/not fully disclose things then he should break up with you and do you both a favour, surely.
And I don’t take the fact they’ve been friends 40 years and nothing has happened to mean that it could never happen. I knew a similar situation with someone who never had anything happen with their old uni friend of 20 years, she was married and had kids in those years, until they were both single and on the same page in life. It took 20 years but they ended up together when life’s circumstances allowed for it.
The vibe I get is that you are just too different personality-wise and your boundaries aren’t clearly marked enough. You should be able to tell him your fears about her moving in with him, especially given that you’ve never got to experience living with him yourself yet. He can accept that, try to come up with some kind of compromise you can accept (no cooking meals together or cosying up for Netflix and movie nights etc.) or he can plow right on and you need to find the courage to walk away if you can’t handle it.
There’s some emotional disconnect between you both though that maybe the distance has kept hidden. I would listen to your instincts on that.

the sadness from your end about not being moved in together at 19 months would be more of a pause for me, not lodging with a really old friend. Weekends and holidays sounds ok? You enjoy your time together, it hasn’t grown stale through the over familiarity of cohabiting too early. Sounds like it’s progressing well tbh

I told him I wasn't completely comfortable with it and he said he understood. I explained I wasn't worried anything would happen between them, but more that I would be alone whilst they would be spending evenings together, which felt a bit weird.
He then went ahead without my agreement and asked her to move in. She said no, as she's committed to her other place until November.
I told him his actions had upset me. He said he thought I was ok with it? Not sure why he got that impression as I never said those words.

You told him you weren’t completely comfortable and it would feel a bit weird - that’s all. Unless I’m misreading your update you didn’t say ‘I’ll reconsider the relationship if you go ahead’ which seems to be how you’re feeling.

Man is not a mind reader!

There was quite a bit more to the conversation but not possible to write it all down here. He knows I'm struggling with the distance between us and only spending a couple of nights a week together. He was going to text his friend the day before but stopped mid way through typing it as he realised I wasn't happy about it. We then went for a walk and didn't really come to a conclusion. He asked her the next day without any further conversation, just surprised me .

You do need to work on your communication skills.

At the start of reading this thread, I wanted to comment that your insecurity and your discomfort are your problem. You can tell him about the discomfort, but you shouldn't be placing the burden of alleviating the discomfort on him. These are feelings you should be handling.

You're also setting very unrealistic expectations on him.
Someone I know once used the analogy that you wrote a play and you have a whole script in mind. But you never gave him the script, just some vague ideas. And then you get disappointed that he didn't follow the script you had in mind.
Well what did you expect?

I think you need to make up your own mind first.
Do you think you need to get comfortable with the idea of him having a close female friend? If so, what are you going to do to make that happen? How are you going to stop that inner voice that gets all wound up when he goes out for a walk with a friend without telling you in advance - which is perfectly normal by the way. How are you going to work on your competitiveness that says every bit of attention he gives her is somehow and injustice to you?

If you're not willing to do that work, then own up to it and give him very clear boundaries. Tell him no female friends. It's highly likely that those boundaries will be unacceptable for him and they will mean the end of your relationship, but that's life and at least everyon's being honest.

What does he think is going to be different in the spring that means he'll be ready for you to move on together if he isn't ready now?