Please or to access all these features

Add post

Watch this thread

Save thread

Start a new thread

Flip thread

Hide thread

My feed

Active Unanswered threads

Getting started FAQ's

Unanswered threads Acronyms Talk guidelines

Hide shortcut buttons

Talk

Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Flip

1 2

Original poster

BF moving female friend in.

30 replies

Lyra74 · 27/07/2025 07:09

I've been seeing BF for around 19 months now and planning to live together from next spring, although I feel ready to live together now but he doesn't. We live about 50 miles away from each other. He currently has a lodger who has decided to move out next week, only giving notice yesterday, so BF is looking at options to fill the gap in income. He has an old friend who has recently bought a house in another city but is staying 3 or 4 days in a cheap rent during the week as she has yet to find a job where her new home is. Yesterday he suggested he ask her to lodge with him during the week. Seems to make sense as she is hoping to find a job in her new home town within next 6 months or so, and she will go home at weekends when I will visit him. BUT, I'm just not comfortable 😵‍💫 So now I'm feeling a dick. Wondering how I can be ok about it? Really want to be, but not there at all. I'm wondering if it's because I haven't met her. He's known her for last 40 years almost, says there is no history between them. Just old friends from college. She's been married had kids, lived away, came back to live local a few years ago after divorce. Around last Christmas he went with her to view a house. He told me afterwards. I then found out he'd been walking with her a few times which he didn't tell me about. I was ill with flu, he checked in with me early one day then said he'd phone me in a bit. Seven hours later I phoned him and turns out he'd been out walking with her. I don't think there is anything going on there. I'm just jealous I guess. Not relishing the thought of them 2 hanging out every night in the week together whilst I'm sat home alone 50 miles away. Any thoughts, wisdom welcome. I'm not a young person anymore and feel I should be better at dealing with these feelings lol!

OP posts:

wrongthinker · 01/08/2025 11:11

I think he's given you the message that he doesn't want to move in with you. And he doesn't take your concerns about a potential threat to the relationship seriously.

He is stringing you along, OP.

Original poster

Lyra74 · 01/08/2025 11:18

Girlmom35 · 01/08/2025 11:05

You do need to work on your communication skills.

At the start of reading this thread, I wanted to comment that your insecurity and your discomfort are your problem. You can tell him about the discomfort, but you shouldn't be placing the burden of alleviating the discomfort on him. These are feelings you should be handling.

You're also setting very unrealistic expectations on him.
Someone I know once used the analogy that you wrote a play and you have a whole script in mind. But you never gave him the script, just some vague ideas. And then you get disappointed that he didn't follow the script you had in mind.
Well what did you expect?

I think you need to make up your own mind first.
Do you think you need to get comfortable with the idea of him having a close female friend? If so, what are you going to do to make that happen? How are you going to stop that inner voice that gets all wound up when he goes out for a walk with a friend without telling you in advance - which is perfectly normal by the way. How are you going to work on your competitiveness that says every bit of attention he gives her is somehow and injustice to you?

If you're not willing to do that work, then own up to it and give him very clear boundaries. Tell him no female friends. It's highly likely that those boundaries will be unacceptable for him and they will mean the end of your relationship, but that's life and at least everyon's being honest.

Show quote history

There's obviously not been good communication in this thread. This isn't the situation at all. I have no problem with his female friends and there are several. I haven't met any of them and I don't have a problem with him seeing them at all. This thread is about the difference between readiness for moving in together. I wasn't happy with him moving his friend in basically because I want to live with him and be with him. I just needed to work through my emotions to understand that.
I'm not going to start defending my character on here. I just asked for peoples thoughts and am grateful for those who have commented kindly and without assumptions

OP posts:

Original poster

Lyra74 · 01/08/2025 11:22

wrongthinker · 01/08/2025 11:11

I think he's given you the message that he doesn't want to move in with you. And he doesn't take your concerns about a potential threat to the relationship seriously.

He is stringing you along, OP.

Thanks, there are some trust issues on his part. Not related to anything between the two of us. Things that happened to him as a child. He's trying hard. I see that. We need to talk a lot more. I'm not giving up yet. We do have something really special.

OP posts:

wrongthinker · 01/08/2025 11:58

Lyra74 · 01/08/2025 11:22

Show quote history

I wonder what it will take to make him feel "ready" to move forward with you? I suspect he may never be ready - he may like the distance between you and not want to change things. Would you want to keep seeing him if you knew it would never be a living together relationship?

I'm not sure how you can brush over the fact that you told him your concerns about his friend moving in and he went ahead and did it anyway. That suggests he is not taking you seriously when you identified a threat to the relationship. I would be questioning this quite seriously. I don't think you see the whole picture here, OP.

Maybe you need to change your approach. Instead of pushing to move in, look at it as a chance to evaluate whether he is someone you really want to live with. You want someone who respects you, listens to your concerns, lets you know you are loved and wanted. Let him know you are reconsidering moving in with him and want to evaluate if he really is able to bring everything you need to the table. Don't fall for "potential" OP. See if he actually shows up for you.

MsDDxx · 01/08/2025 12:51

DoneitagainhaventI · 27/07/2025 07:30

I wouldn't be happy about it OP.

I think the fact he doesn't feel ready to live with you but is obviously happy for this woman friend to move into his home indicates he is closer to her than you. That he is more comfortable with her.
And if they are going to be living together their emotional connection will grow.

I would feel like the outsider in their close relationship.

You can’t compare the two - they’re entirely different relationships.

Flip

1 2