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Original poster

Crying when dropping off DS with his Dad

30 replies

GoldandS · 27/07/2025 07:08

Separated from H and moved out of the family home one week ago. I’m a frequent poster and struggling so much. Recently I’ve been crying my eyes out when I drop my son off at the family home after seeing him. I dropped him off after a lovely day with him yesterday but I’m ashamed to say that I started crying when in McDonald’s with my teen - I told him that Mammy was a bit sad but I had had a lovely day with him.

Dropped him off with H and I’m so embarrassed to say that I had a breakdown in the living room and bawled my eyes out. DS had gone upstairs by then but I feel like I’m being ripped in half 😔

At that moment I would have given anything for things to be the way they used to be with us all watching a film together, eating dinner and chatting about our day.

To go back to an empty house pretty much killed me. H was even worried that I might do something silly.

The loss of the family unit feels horrifying and I now feel a sense of horror at what I have done.

DS hasn’t stayed overnight yet with me as he will need time to adjust. It feels like I’ve lost him and I feel such an intense grief that I can barely breathe. Youngest was at a sleepover but youngest has been staying over with me thankfully.

Sorry for the ramblings.

OP posts:
Original poster
GoldandS · 27/07/2025 07:11

Is it bad to be crying in front of DS? Is it adding to his burden? Until recently DS said to me that he has never seen me cry (in 13 years!) I’m not a cryer but recently I can’t stop 😢

OP posts:
SparklyGlitterballs · 27/07/2025 07:19

I think you posted something similar yesterday OP and said you had dropped your younger DS off and haven't yet had the older lad overnight with you in your new home.

I think you need to visit your GP urgently to discuss this. Crying in front of the children like this is not good and will be harmful to them. It's one thing to say you've missed them but crying or full on bawling your eyes out will be very unsettling. You may need some meds and perhaps a referral for therapy to deal longer term with your emotions. I'm assuming you had a good reason for leaving, so assuming that things would be rosy if you went back is just you longing for the life you wished you had, rather than the one that was reality.

Work on your emotions and develop an environment your sons will want to be with you in. If you constantly cry it could make them not want to spend time with you. Good luck.

Eastendboysandwestendgirls · 27/07/2025 07:22

Your poor DS. I know it's hard, I posted on your thread yesterday, so I get it. But you can't do that to him, it's upsetting for him and I would even say it's manipulative. Keep your shit together until you are out of there then cry as much as you want.

CaptainFuture · 27/07/2025 07:25

Eastendboysandwestendgirls · 27/07/2025 07:22

Your poor DS. I know it's hard, I posted on your thread yesterday, so I get it. But you can't do that to him, it's upsetting for him and I would even say it's manipulative. Keep your shit together until you are out of there then cry as much as you want.

This, you absolutely can't make your emotions have such an impact on your children or make them feel responsible for them.
If they'd said 'don't worry mum I'll stay longer would the tears have stopped?

Original poster
GoldandS · 27/07/2025 07:33

I’ll stop, I don’t want to upset him. He didn’t see me crying in the living room, it was just ex that saw that, luckily DS had gone upstairs. Ex thought something terrible had happened. We had had a lovely day.

Im so confused though as I read that showing your emotions in front of your children can be healthy - I said to him that Mammy is a little bit sad but I’m working though everything. I’ll stop! I don’t want to upset him further or manipulate his feelings! I’ll try and get a grip!

It’s weird. I’m not a cryer or an emotional person but once I start crying I find it very hard to stop!

I’m on the spectrum.

OP posts:
Original poster
GoldandS · 27/07/2025 07:35

CaptainFuture · 27/07/2025 07:25

This, you absolutely can't make your emotions have such an impact on your children or make them feel responsible for them.
If they'd said 'don't worry mum I'll stay longer would the tears have stopped?

Show quote history

Its grief, seeing the old family home and at that moment I would have given anything in the world for everything to be back to the way it was.

OP posts:
Original poster
GoldandS · 27/07/2025 07:37

Eastendboysandwestendgirls · 27/07/2025 07:22

Your poor DS. I know it's hard, I posted on your thread yesterday, so I get it. But you can't do that to him, it's upsetting for him and I would even say it's manipulative. Keep your shit together until you are out of there then cry as much as you want.

I’ll stop and get my shit together, thank you x

We had such a nice day visiting his grandparents, laughing together, shopping and having tea but as it came nearer to drop off I could feel myself becoming overwhelmed with sadness again.

OP posts:
Rowen32 · 27/07/2025 07:42

I think there's a balance. Yes, it's healthy for children to see you show different emotions but it's the scale of them I suppose. And whether it's related to them or not.. so a cry about something not related to them at all is different to crying about something they may take responsibility for or feel in some way is their fault..

Eenameenadeeka · 27/07/2025 07:52

I've seen your other post, it sounds so very hard for you. I'm sure you had your reasons that meant leaving was the right option for you but it must be so hard to have to spend time apart from your children. Are you able to access any counseling or therapy to talk about everything that's happening for you?

Original poster
GoldandS · 27/07/2025 07:52

Rowen32 · 27/07/2025 07:42

I think there's a balance. Yes, it's healthy for children to see you show different emotions but it's the scale of them I suppose. And whether it's related to them or not.. so a cry about something not related to them at all is different to crying about something they may take responsibility for or feel in some way is their fault..

Thank you. I don’t want to place a huge burden on him. It’s not necessary all about DS but the loss of the family unit and family home as a whole. It’s so much worse when I drop him off there and especially if I go inside! It’s very triggering.

OP posts:
Original poster
GoldandS · 27/07/2025 07:54

Eenameenadeeka · 27/07/2025 07:52

I've seen your other post, it sounds so very hard for you. I'm sure you had your reasons that meant leaving was the right option for you but it must be so hard to have to spend time apart from your children. Are you able to access any counseling or therapy to talk about everything that's happening for you?

I will look into that, thank you. I was seeing a counsellor to run through my feelings around leaving my husband and I’ll get back in touch with her.

OP posts:
Rowen32 · 27/07/2025 09:11

GoldandS · 27/07/2025 07:52

Thank you. I don’t want to place a huge burden on him. It’s not necessary all about DS but the loss of the family unit and family home as a whole. It’s so much worse when I drop him off there and especially if I go inside! It’s very triggering.

Show quote history

Sometimes it can help to tune into a future you six months, a year from now try and connect to a stronger part of yourself that will make your new home a family home too and let that give you hope and buoy you until you get there in real life xx

Tia247 · 27/07/2025 09:43

GoldandS · 27/07/2025 07:52

Thank you. I don’t want to place a huge burden on him. It’s not necessary all about DS but the loss of the family unit and family home as a whole. It’s so much worse when I drop him off there and especially if I go inside! It’s very triggering.

Show quote history

Then don't go inside OP! Learn your lesson and protect yourself by not going in.

If your kids are old enough to get out the car and you just watch them go in from the car then do that.

This all sounds really hard but remember why you split. Be gentle with yourself and don't put yourself in situations that are just too much for you right now.

Original poster
GoldandS · 27/07/2025 10:38

Rowen32 · 27/07/2025 09:11

Sometimes it can help to tune into a future you six months, a year from now try and connect to a stronger part of yourself that will make your new home a family home too and let that give you hope and buoy you until you get there in real life xx

Show quote history

Thank you. Today is hard as it’s a Sunday and we would all be off together. Our youngest had a sleepover last night and we all drove to pick him up, I’ve messed up again as I just wanted to see youngest for 30 minutes in the car but it’s meant ex has now dropped me back at my house with both kids and ex going to his which feels horrible again. It’s very early days but it would have been better to not be involved in the pick up.

This is so hard already that I think we should have just stayed together as a family. It’s brutal and awful. We should all just be together. I left due to emotional abuse but I feel like my freedom has come at a terrible price 😢

OP posts:
Snorlaxo · 27/07/2025 10:45

I think that you should do things separately and not do stuff like do pick ups together or enter the former marital home so that you can start the detaching process. Doing stuff like that is going to upset you more long term and stop you from the start of healing.

Don’t forget why you had to leave. Don’t forget why it’s better for the kids not to see their dad emotionally abusing you. Maybe write it all down when you’re not feeling emotional so that it’s more neutral in tone and send it to yourself by email so you can read it in moments of weakness.

BellissimoGecko · 27/07/2025 10:51

Snorlaxo · 27/07/2025 10:45

I think that you should do things separately and not do stuff like do pick ups together or enter the former marital home so that you can start the detaching process. Doing stuff like that is going to upset you more long term and stop you from the start of healing.

Don’t forget why you had to leave. Don’t forget why it’s better for the kids not to see their dad emotionally abusing you. Maybe write it all down when you’re not feeling emotional so that it’s more neutral in tone and send it to yourself by email so you can read it in moments of weakness.

This.

If you left due to emotional abuse then that’s not a good situation to return to!

Stop doing things with your ex abs stop going in the family hole. And be kind to yourself. It’s early days.

Why did you leave the family home?

Original poster
GoldandS · 27/07/2025 10:54

Thank you, it’s a learning process. I was chatty and normal in the car but it felt worse just seeing them for the drive and getting dropped off on my own. Probably worse for the kids too. The impact on them is awful. I was so naive and had tunnel vision just thinking about my marriage (I didn’t love him) but pulling our oldest between two houses now feels so wrong for him. Youngest is quite happy and adaptable. I keep thinking I probably should have stayed and kept my family together.

OP posts:
Quitelikeit · 27/07/2025 10:58

Who initiated this break up and what was the reasoning?

Do your children live with you?

Original poster
GoldandS · 27/07/2025 10:59

BellissimoGecko · 27/07/2025 10:51

This.

If you left due to emotional abuse then that’s not a good situation to return to!

Stop doing things with your ex abs stop going in the family hole. And be kind to yourself. It’s early days.

Why did you leave the family home?

Show quote history

I didn’t want a fight on my hands as to who would be the one to leave, I think ex would have used it as a weapon that I made him lose his home. I also felt like I was the mentally stronger one who would have been able to cope with a fresh start and new house. I now doubt my decision and think I should have stayed. I honestly feel like I’m going mad!

OP posts:
Original poster
GoldandS · 27/07/2025 11:05

Quitelikeit · 27/07/2025 10:58

Who initiated this break up and what was the reasoning?

Do your children live with you?

I initiated it due to verbal/emotional abuse. Some historical threats and just stuff I could never get over him saying to me. He punched a hole in the wall and told me he hated me on our honeymoon! Not recently but he has made violent threats towards me like threatening to pick me up and smash me against a wall or threatening to smash me in the face with our son’s pram. These were years ago though and he had stopped name calling and grown up a bit. I could never get over all that he said or did.

But also we could have lovely moments as a family, we were, despite all that he said to me, we were a close little family and what has now been lost feels utterly horrifying. We had our family in jokes and both adored our children.

OP posts:
Original poster
GoldandS · 27/07/2025 11:08

Quitelikeit · 27/07/2025 10:58

Who initiated this break up and what was the reasoning?

Do your children live with you?

We will share custody but what is worse is that our teenager hasn’t stayed with me yet, he sees this as Mammys house and that’s it, not his home. 50/50 is what we will go for but it seems awful for teen to be dragged between two houses. It’s not nice for him.

OP posts:
BuckChuckets · 27/07/2025 11:22

GoldandS · 27/07/2025 11:08

We will share custody but what is worse is that our teenager hasn’t stayed with me yet, he sees this as Mammys house and that’s it, not his home. 50/50 is what we will go for but it seems awful for teen to be dragged between two houses. It’s not nice for him.

Show quote history

I haven't read your other thread, but if you're doing 50/50, why hasn't your son stayed with you? And what was the reason for you moving out, not your ex? I'm not saying it should always be the man leaving, but it's more usual that the mother stays and either takes over the home or they sell ASAP.

Original poster
GoldandS · 27/07/2025 11:34

BuckChuckets · 27/07/2025 11:22

I haven't read your other thread, but if you're doing 50/50, why hasn't your son stayed with you? And what was the reason for you moving out, not your ex? I'm not saying it should always be the man leaving, but it's more usual that the mother stays and either takes over the home or they sell ASAP.

Show quote history

Yes that’s what I worry about. It’s unusual for the mother to be the one to leave the family home. DS is autistic/ADHD and needs a lot of careful handling when it comes to big changes. Forcing him to stay before he’s ready might make him less likely to ever want to stay. I need to build up to it to make him comfortable. I planned to leave ex in secret due to emotional abuse. I had a house set up, asked him for a divorce then moved out 2 months later. I don’t know if I made the right choice now with DS being so attached to his home. I feel like the “Dad” who only gets to see him in the daytime. It is killing me.

OP posts:
ginasevern · 27/07/2025 12:03

I get it OP. I really do. It's seeing the family home that's triggering you. Do you have to go inside every time? Could you drop the kids off round the corner or something? I know that sounds simplified, but it might help.

Original poster
GoldandS · 27/07/2025 12:17

ginasevern · 27/07/2025 12:03

I get it OP. I really do. It's seeing the family home that's triggering you. Do you have to go inside every time? Could you drop the kids off round the corner or something? I know that sounds simplified, but it might help.

I will do that in future to protect myself. I’m feeling very homesick for the family home right now even though I love my new home, it’s really beautiful 💕

OP posts: