Am I being unreasonable??

[AnonymousJJ]

I’m a married woman with 2 kids aged 3 and 5. I was working a 9-5 and was totally burned out trying to juggle it all. My husband told me to leave the job and that he will manage everything…by doing a few extra shifts.

Three months have passed and my time is going by busily managing my kids. My husband comes home to sleep, shower and leave for work. He’s hardly ever home, he’s always at work, never sees the kids or helps out with their needs, doesn’t communicate with me, and when he does it’s short and sharp. I feel like I have no value or voice in the relationship.

He gives me a bit of cash here and there to cover day to day expenses. I spend this on essentials only and the kids. I don’t treat myself to anything, and don’t even see any of my friends to avoid social awkwardness not being able to afford social activities. I literally evolve around the kids - schools runs, food, their cares, the house work, cleaning, laundry, chores. I have no life.

Am I being unreasonable when I ask my husband for a few hours of time just for myself? He gets angry when I say I want a mornings break, or I have an appointment and can’t take my kids with me. He insults me when I want to do something for my own wellbeing and mental health, and he puts me down. On top of that he isnt interested in my feelings, he doesn’t care how things impact me and just because im not working he leaves me lumbered with the kids.

Is this really what life becomes after marriage? I’m losing the will to live, yet I carry on to be strong for my kids whilst I’m crumbling inside.

What was he like before you quit your job?

all I can say is I’d find a job even a part time one that fits around your children and claim that independence back and the money for yourself. I would always advise this because now he seems to come across like he hates the set up but berates you and controls yoh even further for it. That being said I’d be considering if this is a the relationship for yoh if he’s willing to treat you like this when you’re giving him and easy life with his children.

This makes me sad because this is how my relationship is but I work almost full time (only reduced by 3 a week) and I finish work and run around like a headless chicken. I don’t have any advice but I sympathise.

@Safxxxhe was still working a lot but not as much as now, but still disconnected with feelings and communication and leaving the majority of the care of the kids to me.

@angelcothank you - he doesn’t involve in any aspect of the kids other than buying stuff for them now and again and leaves them to me 100% of the time.

@angelcothe thing is other than moving back in to my mums with my kids I have nowhere else to go where I can afford to so I feel trapped all round and you know kids they need a lot and cost a lot as we all know life is nothing but costs day in day out.

So he told you if you were here would need to pick up extra shifts, presumably for the money, you know he was already working a lot, so now he's working most of the time other than eating, showering etc. In terms of the children that is your job now. Of course he should spend time with them but the organisation side sits with the SAHP

So was he doing 9-5 and now he does 9-5 plus overtime?

@Shadowpalkiano, he is self employed he works every day from
2pm to 1am and then all night Friday and Saturday which means I’m with the kids most of the time. When I worked 9-5 he used to make me feel guilty for making him wait until 5 so he could go to work

Does he have a social life or is it just work, so he wasn't that connected before and now that his taken more shifts his probably burnt out himself. Still it doesn't give him a right to treat you and the kids like that, speak to him tell him there should be a balance with work/family and not being around you or the kids much isn't good. Tell him to reduce his hours if needed but he must fulfill his role of a husband and a father too. Acknowledge his hard work and tell him you appreciate the chance of staying home with the kids whilst he earns, but make him understand that his presence in the house is needed too,and that he should help you and give you your free time to do what you like too...even if it's once a week whilst he watches the kids and atleast once a week he should prioritise spending a day with you all, doing something fun as a family, if he doesn't listen then maybe get a part time job to keep yourself sane 🙏

@TheCurious0range he organises his work and money. But kids with 2 parents need attention from both parents. His over heads are high because he’s self employed hence why he’s never home

But you wanted to give up work, right? I am sorry but working those hours and being the sole breadwinner, he really can't do more. The kids are your job entirely in my opinion. Nobody should work as much as that but if he has to in order to sustain the lifestyle you've both built for yourselves, then he has to. It sounds like you couldn't really afford to stop working because he had to work more.

@Safxxxbelieve me I ask him almost every week for a bit of time for myself and he ignores me. I therefore have to take my kids everywhere I go. For my sanity I go and do things I need to at ridiculous early hours of the morning just to avoid him giving me grief for having time to myself.

@Safxxx no not much of a social life, he doesn’t see that as important.

Four kids 3 under 5. We mutually agreed for me to finish work.Hubby works 5am till 2pm every day except Sundays, money goes into 1 account, nobody cares who gets what who spends what, to be fair his most expense is his fuel as I book the days out, takeaways,holidays,fun stuff etc. Soon as he gets home he will grab a quick shower and then dive straight in with the kids whatever we are doing or if we aren't in we will come back to our tea made or washing put out or away or hoovering done. We communicate all day and once the kids have gone to bed we sit with a cuppa chatting about this and that or chill and watch tv for an hour. If I want to go out I will just say I'm off out to gym or friends for a cuppa etc as will he. Much easier to work together and be on the same page with everything I couldn't imagine being married and it not being harmonious 99% of the time

@Shadowpalkia I wasn’t coping mentally with my job and the company didn’t even offer sick pay when my kids were sick so often. I just couldn’t stay there. I understand what you’re saying but he made it clear he will work a bit more not triple more. He’s never around. I’m like a single mum with 2 kids to raise and it’s awful.

@Rayqueen I wish my marriage was harmonious too !

also to add @Shadowpalkiawe don’t have a good lifestyle we have the bare minimum we need to operate ourselves.

Aren’t the children at age 3 and 5 at nursery and school, surely you get time to yourself then or am I missing something ? Obviously not having funds for yourself limits what you can do and finances need to be discussed to see if there is enough coming in for each of you to have personal spends.

Well to replace a full time salary, you are going to need to work at least part time (16-20hrs a week). So say another 35-50% of your time will go to that, and then you need to sleep and potentially eat more to compensate, so...

Many people don't have the choice to not work regardless of how it makes them feel.

So he simply cannot work any less then!

I guess you will have to fit your ME time around the kids school time...I know it's holidays now so not possible...do you have any friends or family to help you watch the kids some days? He needs to give you extra cash if he can't give you his time. Honestly he needs to have 1 day off atleast to spend with you all

@Juiceinacup15 hours nursery and school yes but look at all the school holidays there are so many and when they are at school and nursery there’s still so much to manage at home in between!

@Shadowpalkia did you need read my message we don’t have a good lifestyle! We are just getting by. Somehow I feel you’re not understanding me at all!

So if he is working a thousand hours a week and you're still struggling, why would he be able to drop his hours? You'll struggle more.