Am I being unreasonable??

[AnonymousJJ]

I’m a married woman with 2 kids aged 3 and 5. I was working a 9-5 and was totally burned out trying to juggle it all. My husband told me to leave the job and that he will manage everything…by doing a few extra shifts.

Three months have passed and my time is going by busily managing my kids. My husband comes home to sleep, shower and leave for work. He’s hardly ever home, he’s always at work, never sees the kids or helps out with their needs, doesn’t communicate with me, and when he does it’s short and sharp. I feel like I have no value or voice in the relationship.

He gives me a bit of cash here and there to cover day to day expenses. I spend this on essentials only and the kids. I don’t treat myself to anything, and don’t even see any of my friends to avoid social awkwardness not being able to afford social activities. I literally evolve around the kids - schools runs, food, their cares, the house work, cleaning, laundry, chores. I have no life.

Am I being unreasonable when I ask my husband for a few hours of time just for myself? He gets angry when I say I want a mornings break, or I have an appointment and can’t take my kids with me. He insults me when I want to do something for my own wellbeing and mental health, and he puts me down. On top of that he isnt interested in my feelings, he doesn’t care how things impact me and just because im not working he leaves me lumbered with the kids.

Is this really what life becomes after marriage? I’m losing the will to live, yet I carry on to be strong for my kids whilst I’m crumbling inside.

@SafxxxI guess I could ask for more help from family I’m just a person that never likes to ask anyone and cobbles through myself

@Shadowpalkiaid appreciate no more responses from you. I just need someone who understands me and that is definitely not you.

He shouldn't treat you with contempt OP. However, I actually do think 95% of the kids/housework/life admin should fall on you.

I quit work this year with my husband's blessing after being diagnosed with M.E. Until he gets a pay rise at the end of the year we're on the bones of our arse too. The agreement we made was, if he's working and I'm not, he doesn't want the burden of housework and the majority of childcare and life admin falls to me, with the agreement that if I'm having a flare up, he will pitch in as his work schedule allows. We have one DD age 8. DH still does some school runs when he can and is still a present and involved father when he's home. In August he's taking DD on a weekend break then away for a week later in the month so I can rest and recouperate (I could have gone on these holidays if I'd wanted to). We're also agreed that once he gets his pay rise, a percentage of his wage will be for me for my own wants/needs every month.

Your husband is falling short on his end of the deal I think. He can't fully check out of being a father, it's not fair to the children and you should still be able to carve out some time for yourself. I can't remember the ages of your kids, but this gets easier once they're in school!

If you can't work as a team and appreciate each others efforts you either need to work on achieving that or you need to go back to work in a part time capacity OR you need to consider if the relationship is right for you in the long run. If you can't both work alongside each other and respect each other then things will never get better

Okay because from what it seems, your husband and you had full time jobs and an income from those FT jobs. You were unhappy in yours, so by mutual agreement, you quit it with the understanding that your husband would work more to compensate for the loss in earnings and you would do more than you already did at home because he would be working even more than he was.

Now, you feel overwhelmed by the childcare, your husband is working many, many hours a week, but you want him to do more at home and be there more, all while being the sole breadwinner in a household that is barely coping financially.

I really can't see how he can make more money, on less hours, to even maintain your current financial position, let alone better it. That's an awful lot of pressure.

Asking Now and again won't hurt and you will get some "ME" time
You need to see your friends more often too,it doesn't need to come with a price tag, a walk in the park with a good old chat always helps. You can invite them over to your house for coffee and chats etc try to work things out, especially if he can't do any more or won't give you any time. I understand it's hard but as your kids gets older it will be easier 🙏

I feel like full time childcare can be harder than full time work sometimes... but on the other hand, when I'm crazy busy at work and DH takes the childcare slack, I feel like I'm exhausted from work! I think a bit of both is the answer here. I'd go back to work part time if I were you.

I think the money control from DH is what would get on my nerves and it would be really hard.

As for your own time OP, children of 3 and 5 can always be put in front of the tv for an hour or so or play together on a room, if you have to dash around the house for housework or want to make yourself a coffee and sit in the kitchen, and keep an eye on them.

And ask your mum in to help if you can and enjoy a morning off! I think you will have to rely on others and organise this yourself, not your DH in this case due to his work hours.

It sounds like he's busy working many hours so he might be close to burn out soon too. I think you both need to sit down and have a chat, obviously the current situation isn't working.
In saying that I've skimmed your posts, if he's starting work at 2pm and your kids are in nursery and school you both should have plenty of time, so what the hell are you both doing. Perhaps you're both disorganised or inefficient. Maybe sit down and write out a list of all the tasks that need to be done each week and make a plan around that.

15 hours of nursery and school is plenty of time to have a break. I know there's plenty of stuff to do around the house but it's not essential. Your mental health is more important and you're going to have to allow yourself some time to relax.

Can you maybe find a part time job, so that you don't feel so burnt out but he doesn't have to work quite so many hours? He must be exhausted working that much, and if the children are at school and nursery then he's not got the best work hours for spending time with the children because he must still be asleep when they go to school and he'd need to leave before they get home?

If you don’t have free access to money, you need to go back to work immediately. His earnings are your earnings when you are a SAHM. If he is controlling the money, you can’t stay in this arrangement. You should be equal partners, each with a primary focus, but equally valued.

If you are barely surviving financially and your husband is self employed, he is doing the right thing by your family by working and earning as much as he can.

It doesn’t sound like either of you get a break, and you both equally need one, but your husband is probably feeling a lot of pressure to provide now that he is the sole earner. You need to try and pull together with him while you are both in this difficult time. Blaming him for your situation isn’t fair and won’t help.

I can empathise as I am a single parent to 3 young kids (dad not involved) so I used to get no ‘me’ time. I still don’t really as the days my youngest are in nursery I work. But that is a break in a way, so maybe you need to think about getting a part time job? Although if your kids are in nursery/school you will be getting some time to yourself. When the youngest goes to school as well you will have even more time. To be objective, your DH isn’t getting any time to himself either if he’s having to work crazy hours just to provide for his family. So technically you are getting more of a break than he is.
Not excusing the way he’s spoken to you, but maybe it’s hard on both sides? But to be blunt you can’t have it both ways. You either need to work as well so he can reduce his hours, or you need to accept that the kids are mostly your responsibility. From September you can increase nursery to 30 hours so I absolutely can’t see what the issue would be from then on. You can be a SAHP with your kids near enough in school for most of the week. It would actually be better for you to work then to relieve some of the stress for your DH if his working hours at the moment are not working for you both. If you don’t want to work then you can’t expect your husband to do the childcare as well as work the hours that you have described whilst you get 30 hours a week to yourself

This isn’t fair, that poster has been polite and tries to understand. Tbh I agree with them, it seems like your husband is working incredibly hard and you’re only just getting by financially, so he can’t reduce and he must be stressed and feeling the burden himself.

If there is no way he can work less then if u work you can contribute financially, he can work less ,some services can be bought in to save time and consequently you should be able to have couple time, family time and both me time

OP, with kindness, I think the best thing to do here is for you to work part time. This will give you a break from the kids and some money so you aren’t having to ask him for any. When they are both at school you will get some time for you. If he continues to act wijt contempt you can leave him and claim child support and benefits if needed to help you.

Your kids are in nursery and school, sorry but that's your free time.

It's time to get back back to work.

I'm the only earner in my household. The stress of it is crippling sometimes.

YANBU. He's being emotionally abusive and controlling. Go back to work so you can afford to leave this prick.

Interesting to see that a number of posters have completely glossed over this;

He gets angry when I say I want a mornings break, or I have an appointment and can’t take my kids with me. He insults me when I want to do something for my own wellbeing and mental health, and he puts me down. On top of that he isnt interested in my feelings, he doesn’t care how things impact me

This is emotional and verbal abuse. The stress of being a sole provider is no excuse.
The temerity of anyone saying the OP is being unfair is mind-boggling.

With the greatest of respect op, his hours sound like hell

eta this isn’t sustainable for either of you though, you need to figure this out for both of your sakes

What do you expect?

You quit your job because you couldn't hack it mentally Your husband is working more to pick up the hole your quitting left in the finances. He only is home to sleep and shower. You want him to watch the kids too while you have an appointment or hours for yourself? Is he supposed to not sleep? Your kids are in nursery and school and you're a stay at home mom complaining you have no self time.

Yes, you're being unreasonable and you need to get a job.

I think you can’t trust him and so you need to look at getting a job again. Doesn’t have to be full time, doesn’t have to be the same type of job, but he doesn’t have your back and you need to earn some money to give you some leverage back.

Can you work part time and then your DH can reduce his hours? Or you can find another full time job and go back to the situation you were in time wise?