Oh god massive row with DH. What do I do?

[0000o]

Said really awful things to each other. Our lives are really stressful. I told him I want to split up. I hate him. But we’ve been together 30 years and I know if we didn’t have all this stress we wouldn’t be doing this to each other

When things have calmed down, have a conversation and try to alleviate the stress. Relate have good information on their website about good communication.

Thank you

Let him know that you believe the stress is affecting your marriage and and work together to make things better. We’be all said awful things in temper. Isn’t there a famous quote from a couple who had been married for years, with the secret to their success being they never wanted to divorce each other at the same time?

Ha that’s funny.
i can’t stop crying. It’s only me who wants to split up right now. But because I said that he started saying hurtful things and then so did I. I’m not sure I can ever forgive what he’s said and he probably shouldn’t forgive me either

We can’t afford to anyway also dd is recovering from serious illness so we couldn’t do that to her now. It’s just not an option

And he wouldn’t move out anyway

Did you mean the horrible things you said or were they said in anger/ retaliation?

I think start by apologising for the things you shouldn't have said and explain you’re very stressed at the moment and stuggling. Take it from there. No need to rush anything

But I told him we will just pretend to like each other until dd is recovered which may take a year or she may get ill again

Time for a conversation when you are both calm.

I find talking in a cafe prevents any raised voices and keeps conversation civil!

I guess I did a bit. I feel really resentful and overwhelmed

Tonight was the fist time we were on our own and no kids home. I think that’s why it all came out. Also just realised I’m due on which won’t have helped

This is good advice. Talk it through, outside the house, in the morning. Try to both apologise to each other. Try to understand each others’ perspective.

I already apologised for one thing. I apologised straight away. Now I’m in the spare bed

Thanks for talking to me

The thing is I will apologise and he won’t. He never does anything wrong in his eyes

Tell him that.

I am sorry you have so much stress OP.

So you felt resentful, neglected, taken for granted ? and threw in the separating card, you wanted him to fear the end and him show you he loves you, instead he attacked back.

I hope you can both make up but your posting suggests this is a different level of argument.

I am sorry to hear you are having such an awful time - it sounds as though a conversation is in order. Be open and honest and try to offer each other ways to ease some of the burden/resentment. It’s sometimes easier to say “I feel X, Y, Z” and “what I need from you is A, B, C”.

Sounds like you've been giving in for years.

It’s understandable that you’ve both lashed out, for that’s what this. No one deserves more blame than the other. Start to tomorrow on a different note. Draw a line under it. Make the first positive move if it makes you feel better, but only if.

I hate him

Is this what you said in anger, or how you feel about him generally?

@0000o OP, I mean this kindly, why should you apologise when he never does? I broke up with my ex partner during Lockdown, and like you, I told him a few home truths in anger. There was no going back from some of the things I said, but they were all true, and previously I had walked on eggshells for 17 years ! If you feel you are through with having to be the one who says sorry, just dig your heels in. My guess is he will come in to the spare room after a few days to try and get around you, stay strong.

Your brief posts suggest that splitting up might not be a bad idea.