Oh god massive row with DH. What do I do?

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Said really awful things to each other. Our lives are really stressful. I told him I want to split up. I hate him. But we’ve been together 30 years and I know if we didn’t have all this stress we wouldn’t be doing this to each other

Tbh I think it's hard to advise you on here because it sounds like you're both operating under a significant amount of stress and we don't really have a context to that. So in that respect its hard to know if this is just a relationship in crisis due to pressure/a toxic relationship or a relationship where one person is intentionally undermining the other and where you're walking on eggshells. From what I've read (and maybe i missed it) I haven't seen you say that.

I would be inclined to suggest marriage counselling/mediation to try and help you both communicate your needs/frustrations in a healthier way than shouting or cutting at each other. Especially if your DD is very unwell the last thing she (or either of you) will need is a tense environment. And I'd also wonder how much support either of you have had with helping you cope with her illness? That's an incredible stress for any parent to go through so in that respect, you are both going through something exceptionally difficult and people cope with that in very different ways which is hard then as a couple.

I think marriage counselling would maybe help you work out whether or not you can actually start to pull together and navigate the stress you're under in a less combative / resentful way and create some accountability or it'll show you that there's no salvaging things and you can then move on to the best and least painful way to separate that centers your children.

From what you're writing it doesn't sound like either of you have the emotional bandwidth right now to mediate yourselves so having a neutral third party might be able to hold that for you both. It would give you space in your week to decompress in a safe setting and that might also help you hold things the rest of the time in between while you focus on your dd?

If you believe him to be abusive then I wouldn't recommend counselling and you just need to leave in the safest way possible.

I find with men it's really important and effective to very clearly differentiate between what you felt in a moment and what you feel or know ot be true in another one

With respect op, a man who has been married for 30 years and who has never said sorry, is a man who could be being unreasonable for many reasons.

I am so sorry your daughter is ill. Wishing you all well.

You said you hate him...... do you really, and are your reasons valid? Never apologising in 30 years is a huge red flag. Would you say he is abusive - not necessarily physically but emotionally. Or is he controlling?

If yes, you may find Why Does He Do That by Lundy Bancroft useful. There is a free PDF online.

I think Lenny henry and Dawn French said that but eventually they did divorce..

Read or listen to “the next conversation” by Jefferson Fisher and do it together. Life changing

Can you clarify that splitting up isn't want to you want, just where you fear you will end up if things don't change

I’ve recently been doing an online course called The Conflict Cure by Bruce Muzik, there is some useful stuff in there to try and stop fighting and it might be easier than couples therapy if one of you always needs to be around for your daughter as it’s mostly videos you can watch independently. An option to consider. It does cover the importance of apologising and how to do it, though that’s not the first focus. Good luck.

It’s will be ok OP. DH and I have been together 20 years and three times we talked of divorce in recent years. Hasn’t happened yet. We have said plenty of hideous things to each other and some real eye-openers too. Outside of all this, we both know we are committed to stay together. It helped get that frustration off our chests and I am more glad for the arguments than not, as things are better and improved. No apologies either. We haven’t been to therapy we just talked after a few hours (let the air settle). You think you can’t forget the things they say and you don’t, but it minimises in time. People say things in the heat of the moment, we are only human after all.

Arguments aren't ideal, but something that can help when trying to talk out issues is instead of saying "you did X" and it being an accusation, which gets the other person's back up, say "I think that X happened, and it made me feel like X" that second part is key. It tends to stop things escalating and helps neutralise while getting the point accross. Sorry about your DD that sounds hard.

Sooner rather than later, make up.
Apologise.
List together the stresses that are over whelming you.
Neither of you are superman so try to tackle each area of concern and tweek small changes so to deburden and destress your life.
Be practical and kind.
Do you need to employ a cleaner?
Do you need a date night every week?
Can you down size your financial obligations?
Do you need to join a support group for daughter's illness and enrol her in regular respite?

Try to stay independent as a couple - not entwined with any children once they are past 21 years old.

Do you actually not want to split up, or just feel like you can’t (eg your comments around no change til DD is better; he won’t move out anyway).

In any case you both need to come up with a better plan and communication around this, especially if DD is unwell and recovery will take time. You both need to show up as parents if not partners. I do hope that recovery goes well but also hope you can give each other grace and find the support you all need.

Sounds like you said some things you actually meant. I’d apologise to keep the peace whilst your DD is poorly and then talk properly about splitting.

Maybe say to your DH "we need to move on from this, DD needs us to be strong together so let's set aside our quarrels and focus on her needs", and if it's your style / is accurate, add that you love him / care about the relationship whatever to repair the situation.

Then resolve to take anger management coaching together which seems to be a problem here.

I don’t think anger management is the problem.

The problem is the significant amount of stress both parents are under which came out last night because there was space for it to do so. I agree with other posters that it is not clear whether there are deeper issues.

To the OP, the problem is that it sounds like there was some truth in some things which you said and then also things which went too far on both sides. I think you are correct to say that you both cannot make any life decisions right now, and you need to get on. But you do need to look after yourself and not beat yourself up for this argument, or things which were said in the heat of the moment. The advice to have a calm conversation somewhere neutral is good. You both need to co-parent and support each other at this tough time, and other longer term decisions can wait.

Then you both need to talk to one another and put your anger, differences and hurtful comments in the past. Move on and regroup for the sake of your child, the last thing she wants to experience is her parents arguing and verbally attacking one another.
Work together on putting the stress into context, not using it as a weapon to cause anxiety and unhappiness.

I get the impression from what you’ve written here that there are likely other ways in which he’s demeaned you over the years. If you can find a way to split up, I would consider it.

Best thing is to separate!
You don’t have a very good opinion of your husband by the sounds of it and you haven’t said a good word about him yet on this post!

Text each other about the issues, as writing makes me pause and pin down what I want to say.. and it’s less emotional, if they can’t see your anger or frustration. It gets it back to facts.

Muzika I noticed is like an anagram of Muzik who created the course she mentions.
My DH and I are also doing this course called The Conflict Cure. The OP like many of us well into our marriages are well passed the romantic stage and wallowing in the Power Struggle stage. Lots of things impact our relationships and keep us in this conflict stage, stress is a big impact. The course is worthwhile starting with reconnecting with your partner. With simple but profound rituals you will reconnect. Then you can learn how to communicate better especially with the Safe Speak tool. It does help you look back to your childhood which is where most of learned how to be wives and husbands, parents etc. Do resolve your relationship problems asap otherwise you will impact how your own children ultimately deal with their relationship problems in their future. Very few Parents demonstrate how to progress from the power struggle stage to the mature love stage that we all aspire to. Often the only option we see, to rid ourselves of the pain, is separation but if there is another way and we learn what we need to do we can pass this knowledge onto our children.