I'm a little bit devastated

[amph10]

Tonight, after my wife told me that I wasn't supporting her and that our relationship was at breaking point, my 5 year old, who was sitting next to her, said 'yes you are a bad dad and you don't help mummy'. I had to get out of the house and am typing this at my office, I was so upset hearing the words coming out of my childs mouth.

Backdrop: We have 2 children. 5 and 1. For the last year I have been through the ringer health wise, have had 1 minor surgery and awaiting another. I have been on morphine for most of the last 9 months including now, and desperately trying to hold together my small business (its just me and I am the sole breadwinner), whilst only being able to work limited hours much of the time due with school drop off and pick up dictating my work day, which is putting additional pressure on my businesses function and ability to survive.
At home I get the 5 year old up in the morning, organised, fed and to school and back, but with my current condition, my ADHD, medication and severe pain most of the time, admittedly I'm not much more of an ornament at home currently and do little else. I'm so tired from work while being in pain and on morphine, it often means I take an hours nap when I get home, becuase I'm just dizzy/in pain/and tired. I'm guilty of being absent whilst being at home, my ADHD means I ignore my wife without knowing it, and my medication has made this much worse.
My wife is taking care of the children woithout any support, and with me not providing support at home (after I provided considerable support for our first child), my wife is understandable tired, frustrated, and at wits end of not being able to sit down all day, and then seeing me sit down all the time when I'm home.
I want to help. I want to support her more. But physically I'm in pain. Mentally I'm thinking about work most of the time when home, as if the business doesn't survive then as a family we are in bigger trouble. I need an action plan. Help?

I was thinking that too.. with 2 kids of my own no matter if I was ill and up all night I still had to walk them to school each day. When the youngest was a baby and I was up doing night feeds I still had to walk the other child to school after I got myself organised, school child organised and fed and baby fed and dressed. What shes doing is pretty unfair tbh. In sickness and marriage? Piss ripped more like!!

Wife is a bit OCD, so the idea of not doing something that needs doing doesn't go down well. I've tried to discuss things about her leaving some things, but I just get accused of being dirty and lazy, so that puts an end to that..
For chores currently, I can barely bend over so its a real struggle for me to provide any useful support.

It’s really not helpful to walk out the house in the middle of a situation like that because you have basically just left your wife with two children to sort out. Therefore cementing the point that she does everything…
You need to get back there and talk to her.
I also wonder what your wife has got going on in her life apart from looking after the children and home. Friends, social activities? I think if she is not getting a chance to go out, it adds to the feeling of doing everything.
I am not sure how you solve this because she needs more downtime, without a child to care for, and you also need rest because of your illness. Maybe you both just need to be kind to yourselves and each other and recognise what you are doing.

DW has one child at school all day , ok it's the holidays at the moment but normally and a 1 year old. She doesn't do the school run. DW is being very unfair.

I'm not going to have a heated discussion in front of our 5 year old.
I really do understand and appreciate everything my wife does at home and I make a point of thanking her every day.
Because we have no family support my wife doesnt get down time, which keeps her stress level very high. Come September we will be able to get our 1 year old in nursery which will hopefully provide her with some relief, but that also puts added pressure on me as I will need to work in the nursery pickup and drop off.

What is your health issue that has you using morphine and having minor surgery? Is there an end date to this where your pain will lessen and the morphine be reduced? Or is it a long term situation??

ADHD does make life hard, but doesn't mean you can just say "oh because of this I don't do this".

i always think it's helpful for parents of young kids to look at the amount of time to "just be" you get. Whether that's for naps, TV, a sit in the garden, etc. Do you both get equal time where you aren't on duty as a parent and can choose whether to rest, or what to do that you enjoy??

On a weekend do you take turns to lie in? Do you give each other a few hours to be child free every weekend?

Chores should be shared. How they are split will depend on each family's situation, but I do find the "down time" being equal is a helpful guide.

The school run thing I'd suggest you do morning and mum does afternoons so you can keep working.

I do all that too, and clean the house and walk my children to school and do the shopping and cleaning and house admin and I dont drive. My husband has a complex mental illness and can't do any of the things I do, I do it because im there for my family, thro thick and thin, sickness and health. I might have a moan sometimes but I love my family and would do anything for them.

She is not her mother..shes an adult with a family, she needs to help support her family when in need, and the family is in need.

For gods sake she can do the 20 minute walk!
Your in agony on morphine trying to keep afloat a struggling business to support you all.
sorry no words of advice from me but it all sounds very much oh woe is me but shes being a martyr about it - its not that difficult.

Wife sounds a bit wet and a lazybones.

Why doesn't your wife learn to drive?

I think you need to have a major conversation with your wife.
You said she doesn’t feel supported, what about how you feel?
Under no circumstances should she be having a row with you in front of your children and she shouldn’t be bad mouthing you to a 5 year old.
Theres zero reasons for her not doing the school runs, yes if it’s raining you’ll help but in general a 1 year old wouldn’t be feeding on demand.
Does she go out and meet friends or is she home all day stressing about housework? Is it possible she’s in a rut now and it’s getting on top of her?

I think this is a conversation you need to have with her.

“I hear you. You don’t think I support enough. What are you asking of me?”

Sometimes doing the best for your kids is not spending hours and hours making meals from scratch, and instead taking some time for yourself.

Everyone would be better off with her having a walk/bath/alone time and the kids having some nuggets!

I’m sorry, OP, it sounds like you have a lot to deal with at the moment.

I think it’s worth sitting down with just your wife (if that’s possible - I know it’s hard with very small kids) and ask her to explain what specifically she is struggling with. Is it loneliness, is it the constant mess that often comes with kids, is it sleep, is it boredom from staying at home? Or perhaps there are certain times of day that feel challenging and she needs a moment to tag team. This will help you understand exactly what the issues are. This is not so you can cover the ‘gaps’ but in case there are external solutions (e.g nursery will definitely help in September, would a cleaner be an option budget-wise, can you simplify cooking/dinner for a bit so it’s quick and easy, would an online shop help her feel less overwhelmed). Just let her talk and confirm that you hear what’s she saying and appreciate her giving more detail so you understand what she means by ‘unsupportive’.

I think it’s also important to tell her that you are also really struggling. It’s only fair that your situation and feelings are acknowledged in the same way. It’s also important to tell her how upsetting it was to hear your child say that and to imagine if the situation were reversed. I would add that I am always happy to listen and discuss her feelings but not in front of the children as it is inappropriate.

Good luck, OP. I hope you have people around you who can offer some emotional support and a hug.

Why can't she do the nursery and school runs. 40 min walk is nothing.
If you have health reasons why you can't physically clean then you should not feel guilty.
My dh had several operations when we were in our 20s. We also had all our children in our 20s.
I did everything and supported him.
And now in my 40s he is supporting me with my problems.
Its just what you do. Its not ideal with young children but things are rarely simple .

I think you’re doing incredibly well under extremely difficult health conditions and work pressures to keep your head above water.

I think your wife is being highly unreasonable, and needs to really consider what you are going through, and not just what she’s going through.

It’s an incredibly difficult time, and her expectations need to be realistic, which I don’t think they are with the level of pain you must be in.

To say it in front of your DD says a lot about her lack of emotional intelligence.

It’s a very difficult time having little ones, but it really is a moment in time that passes by so quickly.

I hope things work out for you.

Your wife sounds ghastly to be honest

Err this. 20 minute walk x2 a day is easy!

What you said in your OP was that you left because you were so upset about what your five year old said. That was what I was responding to.

I do think splitting the nursery and school run would be a start. And if both DC are in nursery/school, your wife will get a break. I don’t think that resolves what sound like different approaches (and those both have valid reasons) by each of you to how things should or could work.

She's being really unreasonable. She should be doing the school run, and she also shouldn't be running you down in front of your child.

OP I’m on morphine, had surgery and run a business, there is no way on earth I could also be responsible for 2 young children as well during any part of the day.

Whats the long term plan? You need to become the SAHP. And manage your pain and children and she needs to work? Will the business survive? Do you have an income protection policy in place you can claim on and take a few months out to recover?

is she understanding of the pain? Was this condition known prior to the 2 baby coming along.

Are you getting help from a pain management team as long term opioids will be causing greater damage to your insides and mental health.

OP that sounds really tough and I don't understand how you're still functioning at work! To be taking morphine for pain, it must be pretty bad.

Your DW sounds like she's making hard work of it. You're both going to end up burnt out.

Seriously, sit down together after the kids are in bed and have a proper conversation. She needs to listen to you as much as you need to listen to her.
Hope it goes well.

Your wife is taking the piss. She needs to get back to work and get over herself.

Are you sure you aren’t in an abusive relationship? If this were posted by a woman that would be the implication….

"Wife is a bit OCD" fuck off with that shit. No she isn't. She wants things done because she wants them done. I am so so sick of people saying this shit when there's no such thing as "a bit OCD". It's not a fun little thing, it's horrible, debilitating and frustrating and goes way beyond "I want this done and I want it done now".
(This is from someone who actually has OCD and has actually been diagnosed and not just thinking it makes them quirky).

You don't seem to be accepting of any of the suggestions posters are giving so why did you start the thread?