If you have a sibling..

[Closeornot]

After reading a thread talking about whether you would rather have more siblings or experiences, there was a lot of people saying that they aren't close to their siblings as adults. I'm currently pregnant with DC2 who will have a 20 month age gap with DS and we don't plan on any more. I'm not close to my sibling at all and my kids not being close is one of my biggest worries

If you have a sibling, were close and still are, can you tell me what your parents did - if anything, to make it like that? Or what you wish they'd done differently? Any tips on developing a strong bond?

NC as I don't want to discuss anything that may be outing.

I have four sisters and a brother.

I am closest to the eldest who was forced to act as pseudo-mum when I was tiny because dm couldn't be bothered. I am relatively close to my db because he has the same sense of humour as me.

Otherwise, not particularly close, see the others a couple of times a year. Would come to their aid in an emergency, but we have different interests.

can you tell me what your parents did - if anything, to make it like that? Or what you wish they'd done differently? Any tips on developing a strong bond?

As siblings get older I don’t think it’s neccesasrily what parents do/don’t do. It’s very much down to the siblings personalities. My husband and his brother hate each other - their parents didn’t favour one over the other just a normal regular upbringing.

With my sister and I it was a bit different as my mum was a single mum and we were the ‘three musketeers’ until secondary school and we drifted apart. We have very different lives. I love her because she’s family but she’s not someone I’m close to. We’re civil and friendly.

I'd do anything to help my sibling if they need it, but we only really see each other when a shared interest sees us regularly meet up as part of the same group of friends.
So our relationship now has nothing to do with what our parents did or did not do!

Not close at all, they are not very nice people. I just don’t like them.

Nothing my parents did, we all had the same shite, neglected and horrible upbringing.

My kids.. who knows!

This is not something you can engineer, op.
If it was, don’t you think everyone (or at least most people) would have done it?

I only see my sister at family gatherings where one of my parents are the main protagonist e.g big bday, golden wedding anniversary.

No fall outs we just aren't friends or particularly interested in each other. In the future we'll probably just see each other at family funerals.

I get on really well with my sibling, and have done since we were in our early teens (not quite so much before that, as we were very different as younger kids). I don't think our parents did anything specific to make us get on. We just had a generally good family dynamic - laughed a lot, enjoyed spending time together etc. Sibling and I live quite a long way from each other, but there's nobody I'd rather spend time with. Our dc get on really well too.

I have 3 siblings. My two sisters i have a 2 and 7 year age gap. With my closest in age sister we never got on growing up - around mid20’s we got closer. With my younger sibling we werent close, even though i did alot of baby sitting - i probably resented the fact i had to be watching her instead of going out!

As adults we all very close now, and i couldn’t imagine life without them!

My youngest sibling we have a massive age gap (20+years) they are now an adult, wish we could be closer but its difficult as we have such different lives and we dont live close :(

My brother and I were too close in age, he tagged along with everything and I had to look after him because I was the oldest. If I could have changed anything, other than a bigger age gap, it would have been for my parents to not expect us to do everything together just because of our age and to let me have my own interests and time.

I have a brother, we're 18 months apart in age. We're not close and we rarely see each other, but I do know that we'd be there for each other in an emergency. He's a nice guy but our personalities and interests are very different.

Edited to add: we got on ok as children so I don't think our parents did anything wrong.

I posted on the other thread. My younger sister & I started getting on after I left for university & are very close now. We go on holiday together & always have each other’s backs.

I wasn’t remotely interested in her when we were kids & my parents never pushed us to spend time together beyond ordinary family stuff, which meant that we built our relationship once we were ready.

If I’d had to share a room with her or take her around with me, I think ‘ready’ would have taken a lot longer.

I have 3 siblings.

My mum lost her only brother in car accident before I was even born. She lost her parents to cancer early too. My dad lost his twin siblings when they were babies, and his brother in adult age.
Since we were small my mum kept telling us how lucky we are because we have each other and how much it is. That we must appreciate it, and she never in milion years wants to hear that we had a serious fallout without a reconciliation.
We are in late 30s now. Three of us are very close. My youngest brother isn't that close to the rest of us. He was never excluded or anything like that. Just a different character. He is a really nice guy, and it's lovely to catch up with him but it only happens like twice a year. No hard feelings at all, just the way it is.

I have an only child and it took me a long time to get over how much he is missing out by not having siblings.

One sibling is my best friend, always has been and we’re incredibly close….. the other sibling I’m no contact with!

I have an older sister and an older brother. We weren't hugely close when I was a teenager. But as adults, we look out for each other, albeit we don't see each other that often.

I’ve got 3 siblings and have totally different relationships with all of them, but those relationships are definitely all influenced by the dynamics with our parents.
I was very keen for my kids to get on and quite worried they might not - so far they do really well, but they’re still only teens.
Obviously, personality makes a difference in terms of how close siblings are. However, whilst I don’t think you can make your kids ‘close’, I think there are things that don’t help that it’s worth trying to avoid. This is probably stating the obvious, but I think trying to avoid comparing them positively or negatively and trying to treat them fairly and being transparent about that - or if you can’t be ‘fair’ for some reason being honest about that and the reasons for it and trying to make it up in another way. Emphasising the importance of family and the importance of their being there for each other and supporting each other. Not wading into arguments as judge and not talking to one about the other in negative terms or letting them do this to you too much - this applies to when they’re adults too.
Most of us - as kids and adults - want our parents’ love and approval and if we feel we’re in competition with our sibling(s) for it, this is often the greatest source of sibling disharmony in my experience.
good luck!

I was close to my sister, until we both got married.
But, we were in our 40s. We don’t see each other as much.

Nothing you do can force a relationship as adults between people who don't like each other or get along with each other or just take different life paths. You can't force closeness. If you try, you're more likely to get the opposite.

DNA does not guarantee anything.

Not close with mine particularly, but it has nothing to do with anything our parents did. I’d always help her in a crisis and vice versa, but we don’t gel as people all that well.
I think the best thing parents can do is to be take care never to set up the children in competition with each other.

i have an older brother, 2 year gap.

we used to fight like cat and dog as kids. Now we're really close.
not sure what changed I guess we just grew up

I think 2 DCi s the perfect number. Larger families are far more likely to have more arguments and fall outs.

We had the golden child (DSis) and scapegoat (me) dynamic which was my parents' doing. When we grew up, we realised how toxic that was and formed out own relationship. It is close, but separated by several thousand miles in distance.

I have adult dc and a teen.
Oldest 2 are chalk and cheese. They went through a difficult patch in teen years but have become closer as adults. They adore the younger one who enjoys being adored.

From my personal experience of having grown up with a sibling (who I wasn't close to them but am fairly close to now) and having two adult children with an 8 year age difference, who couldn't be closer, I would say the following.

Don't compare. Celebrate their positive differences and ignore the negative. Never say, "Why can't you be more like your brother/sister?" when they inevitably piss you off!

Treat them as individuals. Allow them their own interests, characters, personalities. Don't expect them to always get along.

Help them navigate their emotions. They won't always get along. Help them to regulate their emotions and resolve their conflicts but also give them space to feel. Then they don't have to accept an apology or forgive immediately.

Don't play favourites. Invariably, you will find one 'easier' than the other. Don't make that one your favourite!

Don't make the older one responsible for the younger one.

Don't force a friendship. Eg if one doesn't want to play with the other, don't make them. If the older one has a friend round, it's OK for them to not include the younger one.

Ultimately, though, it comes down to personality and compatability. Just because they're siblings doesn't eat they're automatically going to be friends or close. The important thing is that they value amd expect each other.

My brother and indidjt have a positive experience growing up and it took a lot of work on our parts to become close. We'd always be there for each other but we only see each other twice a year.

My children are in daily contact and very close despite the age difference. They're going on holiday together later this year.

I am not close to my brother. He’s a decent guy. We have never fallen out as adults, we get on fine when we meet up but we are chalk & cheese. Just very different people, with very different lives, views and values. If we were not related, we would almost certainly not be friends. And this has always been the case.

We grew up in a very small, insular working class town. I left to go to university when I was 18, and never really went back. He never left. I was interested in books, politics & travelling. He was interested in football & getting pissed with his mates. He is a devoted dad. I’m childfree by choice. Etc etc etc.

You can’t force these things, OP. It’s great if your kids are best friends but they might turn out to be so different that it’s never going to happen.

I have 1 brother, 2.5 years younger.

Our parents were always very careful to treat us equally.

We were always encouraged to play together and jointly with the other children in the road.

I adore the person he married, I’ve known her all my life (our mums were in the same babysitting ‘circle’ as they called it back in the 1970’s).

We live about half an hour from one another, our children are similar in age.

We don’t spend every weekend together but meet up fairly regularly. We are both in our 50’s and have been through loss of our parents.

I tried to raise my 2 sons in a similar way and to be friends (they are, for the most part).