What even is this literally going insane

[Ifeelbroken]

I’ve been with partner nearly 12 years. I think he’s a full blown narcissist. I literally can’t take it anymore.

He literally says stuff and does stuff which he knows will make me upset and then blames me.

for context.
Gets my hopes up tells me we’re going to do something and then changes his mind cos ‘he’s thought about it properly’ . I obviously react because I’m upset and angry cos I was excited and now I’m let down, again. I then distant myself cos that’s what I do when I feel like a situation bothers me. But then apperently I’m the one in the wrong he’s the victim. He’s now saying I’ve pushed him
away and how stubborn he’s going to be and not be surprised if he doesn’t talk to me for weeks.

this isn’t the first time he’s done this. Honestly I feel like I’m going fucking mad. Apperently the way be feels about me now he can easily walk away. But I literally haven’t done nothing 😭 I’ve sat there and doubted myself just incase I did by accident but even reading back through old messages, I’m not starting like he’s making out I’m literally being distant cos I’m upset.

Can someone help me before i go insane am I the problem 😭😭😭😭

@Ifeelbroken You are not the problem.

Read this, it may help understand his abuse

I’m so glad someone replied I’m literally laying in bed going insane. He’s sleeping away from me cos I’ve pushed him away. I’ve done nothing wrong 😭😭😭😭😭😭😭

Your not the problem
HE is. Time for him to go instead of laughing at you.

He is literally making out he’s the victim and I’ve done something wrong.

if I got your hopes up and said we’re going to do something it’s going to be so good. We talk about it for a few days cos I’m excited and then out of the blue says it’s not happening anymore would you be annoyed and upset? When he told me I had to hold back tears I was that upset but now on top of all that he’s now being horrible and like this

Why are you with him? You deserve better.

Why are putting up with this? Are you financially dependent on him? He won't change, you can either accept this is what your life / relationship will be like or you can take back control of your future and make plans to leave this horrible situation.

So often people try to 'fix' the person but 100%... he will not change his behaviour patterns becausehe doesn't want to, you can't control him or make him 'better' but you can control how it affects you and what you do about it.

@Ifeelbroken

Is this how you want to live your life, lovely?

You cannot change him, you can only change how you react to this soul destroying situation.

Do you feel brave enough to walk away and find peace?

12 years together is a long time. But he is treating you very cruelly and you don't need to put up with it.
Either he goes, or you do.
There is plenty of advice and pinned posts which are helpful for someone in your position. It is called gaslighting. Look it up.

Probably time to leave him.

That aside, what did he say you would go and do together? Because if it was me, I’d go and do it anyway.

The don't be surprised if I don't talk to you for weeks bit..I'd make that permanent if possible he's an abuser.
You most certainly are not the problem he's a nasty bastard.

As he is a ' partner ' I guess you are not married - this at least means you don't need to divorce.

do you have children with him
and what are the living circumstances

rented or mortgaged

do you work full time

once you have the above figured out, it's easy and you will be able to tell to ' walk away then ' and help him pack
or you can inform him that you will do the walking and do it.

Read Why Does He Do That by Lundy Bancroft. You’ll find your partner in there. Free PDF online.

Also check out Surviving Narcissism by Dr Les Carter on YouTube.

Total man child. main character syndrome. I could never live with someone like this! 12 years is impressive. You absolutely have done nothing wrong - sounds like he has real issues 😔

You have done your time with this man and he is driving he literally crazy. Time to open the cell door and set yourself free. Freedom will feel absolutely wonderful.

It’ll get worse
it won’t get better

you know what you need to do

Bingo op he has got you were he wants you to be, doubting yourself, guessing he's waiting for an apology next yes of course he is,

Stop the roller coaster now and get off, do not give him your energy as by doing so your enabling this behaviour,

He knows your upset right now, and he knows he had let you down, but God forbid he takes responsibility for his actions op, you have to, stay calm don't let him think your upset as he will enjoy this,

I really don't understand how people can say "he's literally a narcissist", but then don't know what to do.

If you have read up on narcissism (which your post implies, otherwise how would you know to call him that?) then you KNOW that there is no way that you can live a happy life with him.

The only thing to do is to get away from a narcissist.

You are never going to change him. All you can do is put up with it or leave. Those are the only options available for a relationship with a narcissist.

If you want a normal, happy and stable life you obviously have to end this relationship. If you don’t, this will be how your life is until he leaves you or one of you dies. Unless it gets even worse, of course, as with this type of personality it’s unlikely to get any better.
It’ll be hard to leave the relationship as you know nothing else now, but you must be brave and find an inner resolve to improve your life.

Sorry guys my little one isn’t well today so have had my hands full!

So woke up today and it’s like nothing has happened? I’m now starting to question weather he needs help or some kind of counselling as last night and then this morning it’s like he’s 2 different people.

i can’t be fucked to talk to him if im honest and haven’t. I know it’s horrible my boy is ill but it’s kept me away from him all morning and I plan for it to stay that way. I do not know what goes through his mind but I wouldn’t ever dream of treating anyone this way

The only thing you need help with is this: you do not need to understand why he is doing this. You just need to leave.

Step off the merry go round. Get out of there.

Hid whole self is focused on driving you crazy. He is your enemy. Stop sharing your life with him. That's the only way you recover.

No, he's not ill. He's just bad.

Npd is not mental illness. It's a name for a specific cluster of shitty personality traits. It is the same group of personality disorder as psychopathy. Psychopaths are not ill. It's just who they are.

Now we don't know for certain that's what's going on but yes narcissists do commonly cancel things you are excited about at the last minute. The added bonus of deliberately setting out from the beginning to do so and then also blaming you for being upset about it then making out you are the villain who has wronged them, leaving you desperately looking for how to explain your (perfectly reasonable) pain and for how on earth they could be the ones hurt...standard narcissist territory.

Whatever is going on, we can say the he means you harm. That he is manipulative. And that he is intent on driving you crazy.

That's not a partner. It's someone you get the hell away from. And you don't need to explain to him why. He KNOWS why. The same way he knows why you are hurting- because he deliberately hurt you! Stop being fooled. Run!

Oh I know what I need to do and I am doing it. I’m getting my ducks in a row and I’ll be of. We have kids together so I can’t go full no contact. But how he made me feel last night , I’m worried if I didn’t have kids what I would have done. I made a promise with myself to never let a man or him or anyone make me feel like this again.
im trauma bonded , it’s the cycle that keeps happening but I am going to break that cycle.

how he feels he can treat someone like that I have no idea.
he will end up very lonely, it’s going to be tough but I’d rather hurt for a while then hurt constant and be on egg shells for the rest of my life

Also do it for you but just as importantly don't put the children through the mill by staying.
I grew up in a DV household and believe me children are more perceptive than people give them credit for.
Good luck on making a new life for yourself and your children.

So why are you still with him? If he's not making you happy, then make concrete plans to exit the relationship. However, if you're still going to complain 5 yrs later about the same issues then ask yourself why you're still there.

Are you addicted to the drama, my friend is in a similar position. Every few years it escalates &9 she swears it's the last time & she'll exit but she never does. There's no violence or abuse but they're a badly matched pair. She loves the drama & attention she gets & so does he so I keep them at arms length now.

He is gaslighting you, and being manipulative, all deliberately calculated to completely wrong-foot you, and to make you feel like you are going insane. He is extremely abusive.