Early dating - is this love bombing?

[heronorstork]

”Met” a guy through online dating a few weeks ago. We messaged for a while before arranging to meet.

The first date was really fun, I had a couple of glasses of wine and came away feeling happy and like I’d be interested in seeing where things went.

Second date, we went out for the evening, dinner etc. It was nice but I found he was a little bit more intense, big compliments “you are perfect” “can’t take my eyes off of you” etc. Then toward the end of the date he said something about wanting to kiss me. I told him that I really wanted to take things slow and he said he understood that.

Third date was a casual breakfast date. Again the compliments about me being perfect were thrown around and I just brushed it off. We headed into shops after breakfast as it was raining and he was offering to buy me new clothes, which I thanked him for but refused.

Since then we have been messaging, he’s keen to meet again but I’m finding it all a bit much if I’m honest. I get voice or video notes from him, and the compliments are pretty constant. Also things like “Ive never met anyone I can talk to like I do with you”.

I am an attractive woman, but I’m certainly not perfect in anyway, and whilst compliments are nice I find them a bit disingenuous when it comes so often… I told him I find accepting compliments a bit awkward and his response was along the lines of “Ill keep complimenting you until you believe them”.

Theres other patterns of his behaviour that I find a bit “off” too. Like he seems to crave attention and validation a lot, and this seems to inform his hobbies and job, he also admitted to feeling a bit lost and lacking focus (though has a good job). He also never seems to mention seeing friends or anything. I actually feel like if I said to him “Lets spend the next week together” he’d drop everything to make it happen.

Hes also suggested that on Date 4… he really wants a kiss. It all just feels very forced.

is this love bombing? Or have I been so starved for affection in previous relationships that I don’t know how to receive kindness??

You’ve answered your own question OP.

Doesn't matter what the “official” definition of lovebombing is a the point is his full-on behaviour is making you uncomfortable.
You don’t have to keep pursuing this relationship if you’re not comfortable. You’ve voiced your discomfort, he’s disregarded it.

If it was me, I probably wouldn’t see him again.

Yep. He’s putting you on a pedestal - it only sets you up to fail in his eyes in the future.

How old is he ?

he sounds like an absolute nightmare

He’s late 40s, I am 10 years younger.

Both divorced, but I am happy single, though open to meeting someone if that makes sense.

"You're perfect" makes it sound like he's picked you out of a catalogue as being just right for him. Although maybe not quite just right, as he's already wanting to buy you clothes so he can dress you up to look the way his 'perfect woman' needs to look. He is also setting out his expectations of 'kiss on date 4'.

The hills are that-a-way >>>>>>>>>>>>>>

Why the hell did you meet for a third date, if you got the ick on date 2?? He sounds quite sickly, these compliments are too much too soon. If I were you I’d block and move on

You dont sound into this guy at all. Regardless whether or not he's lovebombing you, you don't want/like his 'affections'. He doesn't do it for you, just move on.

You're too young for him

I should think the fact that you’re 10 years younger has a lot to do with it.

Report him to the OLD app, block. Etc.
Grooming, love bombing, no idea how to have a relationship, what ever it is, it's not healthy

I wasn’t sure I got the ick on date 2 @Lotsofsnacks I think I assumed I was just a bit overwhelmed and not used to the compliments, and put it down to that… but since then it does feel like maybe it’s more than that for me.

@BacktothebestbitsWould you mind elaborating please?

@heronorstork I’ve been through something very similar recently and personally think it very much is love bombing. On my first date with my ex, he called me ‘stunning’ which I found to be quite unusual as it wasn’t particularly linked to anything to make him say like sure I was made up nicely but it’s the way he just blurted it out like he just wanted to make sure I knew exactly how much he liked me. Then for Xmas just a few weeks later of course I got him nothing as we’d only had a handful of dates and the intention was just to go out for a Xmas meal but he gave me a humongous bag of gifts including expensive Chanel perfume and a gold plated high street branded jewellery. Then the card said something along the lines of me changing his life and ‘sent from the heavens’.

So I actually really liked this guy, had own house, divorced for few years, good job and a right hottie. But when I read the card my heart really sank because he didn’t really know me yet to be saying such stuff which meant it was disingenuous- how could it be anything but? As time went on, I noted he didn’t really have friends and I was seemingly on his mind 24/7 and at first that might sound romantic but it’s actually quite a toxic place to be. He would analyse and think about every little thing I said and turn it against me and get passive aggressive if I didn’t reply fast enough to his texts, made horrible comments when I tried to set boundaries (I work in fast paced project management) and preferred to not be sending anyone social messages during my working hours which he wasn’t happy about even though he preferred the same when he was working?! The final straw was when he started spying on the whereabouts of my car. So yeah, anyone that is this intense and adoring of someone literally days into knowing them is not a well adjusted person imo.

Yes, I would say it's love bombing. His comments are over-the-top and way too intense, considering you've only had a few dates. In reality he barely knows you! This is the type of more or less, obsessive behaviour, is what can lead to stalking. Does he know where you live? Your address or where you work? Don't meet him for any further dates, and block him. Big red flags are waving!!

@LittlleMywow! Sorry you went through this! But it honestly sounds like the same guy I’m dating! He’s also good looking, good job, own home etc… so you’d think he wouldn’t need to “chase” so much. But he really has. At first I was flattered but now I’m finding it disconcerting. I noticed the other night I was out with a friend so didn’t text all evening and when I replied when I got home, his response was very short and sharp. The following morning he said he’d had a difficult night with one of his teenage daughters, but it made me think… “he didn’t like me being out and not in contact with him”

Like you, I work a busy and demanding job. I also have DCs so don’t have the bandwidth for constant messaging, and then when I get multiple messages (and voicenotes/videos) it’s just overwhelming!

@Sassybookloverhe barely knows me! He might want to spend the week with me the week before my period when I’m in PMDD hell, I have a face full of dark hair and I hate the world… he’d soon realise I’m not perfect/stunning/out of this world!

My interpretation of lovebombing is that it is used as a tool to manipulate and control you. This could of course be his whole MO but he could also just be a soppy and intense person. I briefly dated such a person and just thinking about it now makes me want to vom 🤢 It was all just way too much. Constant gushing compliments. Throw this one back in the sea. He ain’t the one.

Yes, the traits are honestly almost identical. The other thing is he would get funny if I had to have overnight stays for work. So get this - if I’m gone for a day event he’ll message me ‘good morning babe, have a safe journey, good day, message me when you’re there’ but if it’s an overnight stay - it’s radio silence - I’ll message him to eg say I’m safely there and just get a short abrupt message back. He also was convinced these meetings were jollies for me to flirt with men. I kid you not - I actually laughed in his face when he first said it until I realised he was deadly serious and honestly my heart dropped because I realised he’s actually a little crazy. In the interim though he was funny, sweet, complimentary, thoughtful and spontaneous like the perfect BF and I know this may be shallow but he was just utterly gorgeous - the best looking guy I’d ever dated tbh and I’m ashamed to say that pretty privilege made me limp on with the relationship longer than I should have 🤦🏻‍♀️.

I’m glad I did end it because honestly he was suffocating me in the end. He won’t be single for long though as when we were on nights out I could see women trying to get his attention but you know what, it answers one Q for me: how on earth was such a ‘perfect’ man still single, well I got my answer! I think he’s actually impossible to live with tbh. He’ll probably turn into a forever single sexy fox. This is why dating is sooo hard, and why even when we see red flags emerge we wait to see ‘how bad’ they really are because it just feels more traumatic sometimes to start all over especially when it all feels more like a dating cesspit more than a dating pool!

Take care and I hope whatever you decide works out!

Whether or not it's love bombing, trust your instinct. If it doesn't feel right, it probably isn't. Be safe!

He sounds manipulative. It’s almost, as if he sees you as a commodity he wants to own and control. Hence, resentment when you put a bit of a boundary. Emotionally taxing

If its not actually love bombing it's ott behaviour and too much for you. He could just be very insecure but that's not good either! End things OP, he's already making you question his motives and you're not into him either as l think if you fancied him and felt a connection you'd have kissed him by now.

Trust your instincts on this. Everything you've described about him makes him sound awful, but especially this:

I told him I find accepting compliments a bit awkward and his response was along the lines of “Ill keep complimenting you until you believe them”.

Is boundary pushing. And this:

it made me think… “he didn’t like me being out and not in contact with him”

Is the start of manipulation and controlling behaviour, if you're right (and you probably are.)

What made you carry on when you recognised the signs very early?

@SassybookloverHe doesn’t know where I live thankfully. Though through general conversations I’ve obviously said bits because he said the other day “I know you haven’t given me your address but from things you’ve mentioned, the fact you live opposite a (name of small shop) I could easily work out where you live because I’m really observant”