Early dating - is this love bombing?

[heronorstork]

”Met” a guy through online dating a few weeks ago. We messaged for a while before arranging to meet.

The first date was really fun, I had a couple of glasses of wine and came away feeling happy and like I’d be interested in seeing where things went.

Second date, we went out for the evening, dinner etc. It was nice but I found he was a little bit more intense, big compliments “you are perfect” “can’t take my eyes off of you” etc. Then toward the end of the date he said something about wanting to kiss me. I told him that I really wanted to take things slow and he said he understood that.

Third date was a casual breakfast date. Again the compliments about me being perfect were thrown around and I just brushed it off. We headed into shops after breakfast as it was raining and he was offering to buy me new clothes, which I thanked him for but refused.

Since then we have been messaging, he’s keen to meet again but I’m finding it all a bit much if I’m honest. I get voice or video notes from him, and the compliments are pretty constant. Also things like “Ive never met anyone I can talk to like I do with you”.

I am an attractive woman, but I’m certainly not perfect in anyway, and whilst compliments are nice I find them a bit disingenuous when it comes so often… I told him I find accepting compliments a bit awkward and his response was along the lines of “Ill keep complimenting you until you believe them”.

Theres other patterns of his behaviour that I find a bit “off” too. Like he seems to crave attention and validation a lot, and this seems to inform his hobbies and job, he also admitted to feeling a bit lost and lacking focus (though has a good job). He also never seems to mention seeing friends or anything. I actually feel like if I said to him “Lets spend the next week together” he’d drop everything to make it happen.

Hes also suggested that on Date 4… he really wants a kiss. It all just feels very forced.

is this love bombing? Or have I been so starved for affection in previous relationships that I don’t know how to receive kindness??

This is a huge red flag, far more than love bombing. It suggests he is controlling, and he is showing it very early. The teenage daughter excuse is laughable, particularly given how much effort he is making usually.

You are already uncomfortable, best to end this now. The danger is that it becomes normal to you, the longer it goes on the more likely it is to happen. Good luck.

I think "love bombing" is thrown around a bit loosely.

Love bombing is a technique by abusers used to reel you in. It creates an intense, false relationship where they flatter you, want things to move very quickly, like all the same things as you do, and often tell you intimate things to lure you into a quick attachment.

Giving you OTT compliments isn't the same. He might be a bit slimy or a bit awkward. If it feels wrong, he's not for you

Another massive red flag, and so early on! Run don’t walk from this man.

OP been love bombed for 2 weeks! Matched online to a guy who said he'd "never felt like this before meeting, I was lovely, I bet everyone loves me, perfect" etc. Took this with a pinch of salt. I said wait to see how you feel on meeting me. Red flags Kept saying he hates being single, only been single 6 weeks from a 6 year relationship!

He came back down South early after visiting his Mum as he was so keen to meet me.....
Eek! He was scruffy, in silky shorts, trainers and socks, unkept beard, yellow teeth. Nothing like his photos in a smart suit.

invited me to a BBQ this weekend, but I was definitely not feeling it by now and cut the date early. He invited me in but I said no.

Messaged to be be polite that I had a pleasant evening as he had bought all th drinks. He didn't rush to answer and next day said there was no chemistry!!

I asked him about the BBQ invite and he said well that was at the start of the date!! Lol
I definitely think it was because I wasn't kissing and cuddling up to him (in a filled pub garden) and wouldn't go back with him. I still don't really understand what I said to put him off. I think he liked the thrill of the chase. We were very different anyway.
When I asked this guy why he said all these things, wanted a holiday, would stay in the area just for me etc he said it was just flirty banter! Disregarding my feelings that i may had believed him (I didn't!) lol

Point is believe NOTHING they say until you meet!! And even then be cautious!!

Definitely red flags here OP, block and move on from this one!

Thanks all.

Ive made excuses for this weekend and Im on holiday next week and then he’s away with work the following week, so I think it’ll be an easy slow fade before I block.

Do you not think the grown up thing to do is to message hey X I’ve decided I’m not interested in going on anymore dates so no point you contacting me again. You don’t need to explain but be mature about it and end it now.

I don’t think it’s love bombing, it’s more desperation. He sounds insecure. Unfortunately desperation isn’t a very attractive characteristic which is why you are getting the ick.

Just dump him, it's not worth pursuing if you're questioning things this early on. You're not compatible.

This literally sounds like a guy I met a few months ago, even down to the teenage daughter.

No she’s not.

Someone once said the "you're perfect" thing over text to me before we even had the first date and I nipped it in the bud... by cancelling the date and telling him I don't think we're compatible after all.

It was the truth to be fair - I don't date emotionally incontinent Velcro men.

Oh really @iamnotalemon- is there anything you could share about your one to see if maybe it is the same guy?

If you're uncomfortable with his behaviour @heronorstork then you're uncomfortable with his behaviour. Tell him it's not working out for you and wish him well. Life's too short. You'll meet someone who loves the actual you, not someone who idolises an unrealistic version of you. ❤️

I had some dates with someone like this. Even after I told her I found it disconcerting, she carried on. So I ended it kindly and then the really odd behaviour started. Honestly it put me off online dating altogether.

Oh dear @Elektra1what happened after you finished things?

First, she simply wouldn’t accept it and lectured me about how I hadn’t even explored how it could work (we’d been dating 6 weeks, not 6 years). Then I got letters through the post. Poems written about me. Middle of the night calls. It was totally disproportionate. And actually a shame because I had liked her, just thought we weren’t compatible for a relationship. But after all that, I became a bit fearful of what might happen next.

You wouldn't think it unreasonable for a guy to want a kiss after 4 dates if it was someone you liked (in fact a lot of men would be expecting sex by that point, not just a kiss). That should tell you everything you need to know. You can't force yourself to like someone if their behaviour makes you feel uncomfortable. I've had one these overly keen guys before and it was very offputting. I said I didn't feel a spark and that I no longer wished to continue, then blocked him.

That would send me running! He's gathering clues and letting you know that he can find you.

In a normal situation this works but in any situation where someone is showing the potential for concerning behaviour, I'd always recommend the slow fade so they have already got used to you not being around for a week or two, before then being pleasant but clear and final.

Edge away slowly, no sudden movements....

@LetstheriveranswerThat was my thinking. The fact we both have busy schedules over the next fortnight make this a bit easier. I think if I were to flat out tell him it’s done, he’d try to persuade me and it may get a bit messy and I don’t like that!

@Elektra1wow, I am sorry you went through this!

He won't let you slow fade, if he's anything like my ex was - I tried the slow fade in the very beginning of the relationship (the first week). Then the danger is that by staying in contact you gradually come to lose the feeling of being overwhelmed, and it becomes normal.

So I echo the 'end it by text definitively', preferably when you are not in the same country. That dumping text will be useful evidence for the Police if he stalks you - and the chances of that may be higher than you think.

Yes, that is very creepy.

Does he live somewhere beginning with an S?