My partner of 2 years (late 40s) is a recovering Alcoholic who has been going to AA for about 15 years. I (m45) adore her and am really proud of how well she does. She's had a few setbacks recently due to personal issues, separation from her lomg term marriage and other family problems. She's had a rough time of late and really struggled mentally. Together, we're fairly good, and have both been serious about our relationship, certainly over the last 12 months. I absolutely adore her and love her and she says the same of me.
I must confess before i go further, I also suffer from jealousy and anxiety at times so it may just be me here but I feel Im going a bit mad at the moment.
Basically, we're a fairly new relationship and both expressed we were keen to progress things. We'd talked about moving in together and I generally stay at hers most nights but I have kids who regularly stay and the older ones aren't sold on her yet (she's a bit stand off and their mother has had an influence) so I staybat my own place when i have them. She was initially keen to be invovled but recently she's backed off, even outright telling me she's not wanted to get invovled. Shes still come along occasionally amd come over to mine occasionally for a visit when i have the kids bit it has caused tension between us. She basically doesn't see me when I have my kids (3x kids aged 4 to 14).
I initially I thought her standing off it's just because of the issues she's facing at the moment , such as stress, depression and anxiety of her own, but I am getting a little concerned.
Last week things come to a head as i had the kids two nights/three days, my only days off work. Id planned days out with the kids and invited her in the hopes to build some bridges and for my kids to really get to know her and see how wonderful she can be.
Id first planed a trip out with kids to a picnic. She said she didn't want to come as I should have quality time with the kids, which I totally get. I went with the kids and had a great time. She instead chose to go sea swimming with her AA friend (male) who she does every morning , every day . She also then laid on her sofa watching self help/motivation videos on Yt before going for a quiet country walk with her same friend then onto an AA meeting with him.
Next day same again, didn't want to come to the beach with me and the kids, chose to swim with her friend , go see her other male friend in his "welfare" allotment (it was raining) and then onto another AA meeting.
Basically every day is an swim session and AA meeting, also sometimes these allotment meetings with her male sponsor and or otehr Aa related stuff. I've met a few of them and they seem nice but I feel like an outside when they chat. Also I'm aware that some of them have hit ony.gf, even though she says it's all about welfare and recovery... I just hear a lot of them hooking up a lot amd see a lot of the men hugging and kissing the girls.
A few weeks back we argued because Same sponsor and other men from AA were all over her holiday pics asking "jokingly" to see more tits and legs amd liking her bikini pics. I was upset because moments after the request for more pics, she posted a hot selfie.
I felt it was inappropriate but she just laughed it off and said it's cos they all take the piss and have a laugh... they're basically just a bit over familiar because they're like a family.
I get anxious at how close they all seem and becuase she's admitted to having an affair with one AA member previously, before I met her , but said she'd never do it again as it put their recovery at risk... I believe her and don't believe she's doing anything behind my back, but I do get a bit annoyed at how she seems to put their "fellowship" first, how close they all are and how invovled with the men she is (always kissing and hugging).
I don't mind her going as I know she needs it but I feel it's a bit over powering and now she's chosong it over doing things with me/my family, especially every day, three times a day.
Whilst she was away on holiday she intervened in a situation with a fellow AA member she did not know who relapsed. She saw him.drunk and spoke to his wife after he was abusive and threatened another holiday maker. The wife went home and she went to his room to try and talk to him with her friend. He wasn't there but she basically babysat him for a few days after that until.he went home, despite promising me she wouldn't get involved.
When I mention it I feel awful and she tells me im just jealous. I usually get told to like it or lump it or quoted at by the big book or how AA justifies it all, they're just recovering and i am making her/them worse.
When I mention that I suffer with some mental issues, she closes ranks with her AA fellowship and basically calls me pit saying I need to get a grip or just stop thinking/feeling/acting the way I do. I'm made to feel like my feelings or anguish don't matter as I don't get drunk and lose control because of them. But she'd go out of her way to listen to and help a stranger who was an addict. Like I don't matter, well thats how ot feels.
I do feels jealous, mostly as she doesn't seem to listen to me or respect my opinion over those in her fellowship, many of whom are criminals or have had very dubious pasts, where as I've always worked hard, never been in any trouble and am generally fairly decent.
I feel absolutely drained over analysing it all bit I can't see us ever being able to move in together if she can't accept my kids or if I can't get my head round this AA business and how close they all are.
Any advice ?