Gf In AA -Am I being ridiculous?

[ConfusedGuy79]

My partner of 2 years (late 40s) is a recovering Alcoholic who has been going to AA for about 15 years. I (m45) adore her and am really proud of how well she does. She's had a few setbacks recently due to personal issues, separation from her lomg term marriage and other family problems. She's had a rough time of late and really struggled mentally. Together, we're fairly good, and have both been serious about our relationship, certainly over the last 12 months. I absolutely adore her and love her and she says the same of me.

I must confess before i go further, I also suffer from jealousy and anxiety at times so it may just be me here but I feel Im going a bit mad at the moment.

Basically, we're a fairly new relationship and both expressed we were keen to progress things. We'd talked about moving in together and I generally stay at hers most nights but I have kids who regularly stay and the older ones aren't sold on her yet (she's a bit stand off and their mother has had an influence) so I staybat my own place when i have them. She was initially keen to be invovled but recently she's backed off, even outright telling me she's not wanted to get invovled. Shes still come along occasionally amd come over to mine occasionally for a visit when i have the kids bit it has caused tension between us. She basically doesn't see me when I have my kids (3x kids aged 4 to 14).

I initially I thought her standing off it's just because of the issues she's facing at the moment , such as stress, depression and anxiety of her own, but I am getting a little concerned.

Last week things come to a head as i had the kids two nights/three days, my only days off work. Id planned days out with the kids and invited her in the hopes to build some bridges and for my kids to really get to know her and see how wonderful she can be.

Id first planed a trip out with kids to a picnic. She said she didn't want to come as I should have quality time with the kids, which I totally get. I went with the kids and had a great time. She instead chose to go sea swimming with her AA friend (male) who she does every morning , every day . She also then laid on her sofa watching self help/motivation videos on Yt before going for a quiet country walk with her same friend then onto an AA meeting with him.

Next day same again, didn't want to come to the beach with me and the kids, chose to swim with her friend , go see her other male friend in his "welfare" allotment (it was raining) and then onto another AA meeting.

Basically every day is an swim session and AA meeting, also sometimes these allotment meetings with her male sponsor and or otehr Aa related stuff. I've met a few of them and they seem nice but I feel like an outside when they chat. Also I'm aware that some of them have hit ony.gf, even though she says it's all about welfare and recovery... I just hear a lot of them hooking up a lot amd see a lot of the men hugging and kissing the girls.

A few weeks back we argued because Same sponsor and other men from AA were all over her holiday pics asking "jokingly" to see more tits and legs amd liking her bikini pics. I was upset because moments after the request for more pics, she posted a hot selfie.

I felt it was inappropriate but she just laughed it off and said it's cos they all take the piss and have a laugh... they're basically just a bit over familiar because they're like a family.

I get anxious at how close they all seem and becuase she's admitted to having an affair with one AA member previously, before I met her , but said she'd never do it again as it put their recovery at risk... I believe her and don't believe she's doing anything behind my back, but I do get a bit annoyed at how she seems to put their "fellowship" first, how close they all are and how invovled with the men she is (always kissing and hugging).

I don't mind her going as I know she needs it but I feel it's a bit over powering and now she's chosong it over doing things with me/my family, especially every day, three times a day.

Whilst she was away on holiday she intervened in a situation with a fellow AA member she did not know who relapsed. She saw him.drunk and spoke to his wife after he was abusive and threatened another holiday maker. The wife went home and she went to his room to try and talk to him with her friend. He wasn't there but she basically babysat him for a few days after that until.he went home, despite promising me she wouldn't get involved.

When I mention it I feel awful and she tells me im just jealous. I usually get told to like it or lump it or quoted at by the big book or how AA justifies it all, they're just recovering and i am making her/them worse.

When I mention that I suffer with some mental issues, she closes ranks with her AA fellowship and basically calls me pit saying I need to get a grip or just stop thinking/feeling/acting the way I do. I'm made to feel like my feelings or anguish don't matter as I don't get drunk and lose control because of them. But she'd go out of her way to listen to and help a stranger who was an addict. Like I don't matter, well thats how ot feels.

I do feels jealous, mostly as she doesn't seem to listen to me or respect my opinion over those in her fellowship, many of whom are criminals or have had very dubious pasts, where as I've always worked hard, never been in any trouble and am generally fairly decent.

I feel absolutely drained over analysing it all bit I can't see us ever being able to move in together if she can't accept my kids or if I can't get my head round this AA business and how close they all are.

Any advice ?

Why on earth would you introduce a recovering alcoholic who can't hold down a job to your kids?

She has no interest in your DC, which is fair enough, and they should be your priority. She may have wanted a relationship with you but she is making it very obvious she doesn't want one with your DC. That's it.

Yep - sorry, @ConfusedGuy79. People in recovery aren't supposed to have affairs with one another, but they do it all the time. I was one of very few in my rehab group not to get involved with someone. They understand each other as no-one else can, they validate each other all the bloody time, and they share some intense weaknesses.

Someone who is a sponsor should be mature enough to stop this happening, but they're only human too! It's a kind of traumatic bonding, which creates an illusion of deep compatibility.

You're on a hiding to nothing against this. I agree, as well, that your eagerness to be her saviour is concerning. At least you're now starting to recognise the dysfunctionality of your relationship, and it's a relief that you've not forced your children to take part in this mess.

It's doing you no good. End it. Her recovery pals will more than fill the small gap it'll leave in her life - and some therapy might be a good use of your regained free time.

You have young D.C.. focus on them and not on shoehorning your gf into their lives.

Sounds like you and your gf have different priorities. She needs to focus on her recovery.

I agree with this.

I used to work with recovering addicts and the best way of describing it is that it's a large community of people who operate within, but also separate to, wider society. A subculture almost with its own rules and norms.

Some will escape that but, after 15 years of daily meet ups, this is her life.

A safe, quiet, comfortable life with you is not what she wants. She certainly doesn't want to play stepmum or swap her life of flirting and validation for you because it's boring in comparison.

You might see all the things you can offer her and what her life could be like - picnics with you and your children - but that's not the life she wants at the moment and maybe never will.

Fifteen years later you'd think she'd have a handle in her coping mechanisms.

I'd cut my losses here OP.

Brilliant answers on this thread. Please don’t bring this woman any further into your kids’ lives. That wouldn’t be fair on them.

I didn’t read everything. She’s told you she doesn’t want to be involved. That’s all I needed to read.

Normal:
.... Most AA members are male so it's very common for males to sponsor females
... Daily meetings when feeling a lot of stress is normal, even someone who may have been sober > 1 decade

Not normal:
... sexual banter betwn males & females in group/fellowship: this is rather frowned upon; the tits & legs bantr sounds very odd
... I'm not sure what kissing means to OP but also unlikely to be normal... hugs is a maybe and depends on the specific meeting/group. OA is full of huggers but AA is not very huggy much less kissing even cheeks

Parts I didn't follow:
... she's recently separated from marriage but you 2 have been together 2 yrs yet it's a "fairly new relationship"?
.... any male 'over analysing' this much

People stay in recovery long term, even for life. It doesn’t mean they’re unstable.

If it’s a fairly new relationship, I don’t see the issue with you seeing your children separately, and her prioritising her sobriety. Sounds like there are plenty of other days to see your gf when you don’t have the kids. Focus on enjoying your time with your kids rather than being jealous of what your gf is up to. I can understand her wanting to take a step back from the kids if there are issues.

Her life revolves around her AA support group and your life revolves around you and your DC.
There is no blending possible, your lives are incompatible to have a future.
The best thing for both of you is to accept it and walk away.

That ^^

my DP is in AA, 3 years sober. He goes three times a week and I don’t interfere/plan things around those times
if he needs to go more, he does

the AA thing sounds a bit odd and cult like.

shes not that into you. Move on

To be honest, yes it is very normal for AA. My DM is a recovering alcoholic. For years she was obsessed with drinking and then she became obsessed with AA when she got sober. She just replaced one obsession with another. When she was drinking I always dreamed that she’d stop drinking and become a good Mum. In reality, that never happened because once sober, there was still no room in her life for us.

But i understand that her sobriety is paramount and that’s just how it has to be. It’s far preferable to her drinking. Only you can decide if you can sustain a relationship like this. I couldn’t be with a recovering addict, and there’s no shame in reaching that decision. Good luck.

Agree with everyone else. This is her new addiction.

She seems to need a lot of support to stop the alcohol... This so not someone you should be bringing around your children regardless. She's not in a great position to offer them what they need.

I think you need to back off from each other.

I am a recovering alcoholic and this sort of thing is exactly why I went to women only meetings. I had no interest in the flirty / over involved / sexual banter that is common in mixed groups. That said, AA is like a family and hugely supportive ; I did it for about a year, but don’t need the constant reassurance / support now. I have been sober for 9 years. To me it sounds like it’s too early in her recovery for her to be able to prioritise you - she may never be able to, but she certainly can’t right now. Cut her loose.

And actually, you are supposed to have a sponsor of the same sex - it’s not normal or appropriate to have an opposite sex sponsor

Just because an alcoholic has stopped drinking it doesn't guarantee that they'll instantly turn in to a nice, considerate and trustworthy person. Some people are selfish assholes whether they're drunk or sober.

Maybe you are not compatible but I don’t see anything wrong with her prioritising her sobriety (would you prefer the alternative?). Also, three kids with an interfering ex? I’d probably not want to get involved either. As I said, you either need to accept it for what it is, or go your separate ways.

It wasn't so much me wanting to shoehorn her into my kids life... we've discussed moving in and she's keen for me to move to her place, but obviously I have my kids regularly.

She has met my kids before but the eldest has been a bit standoff and shes kind of backed off since then, which I get. The talk of moving in just made me think we needed work before that. I just thought maybe a fee nice short contacts would build on things.

Who said she can't hold down a job? She has a very successful career and has worked all her life...

She seems all too keen also to move you to her place. Another way of her trapping you. Well she’s had a very successful career but she will lose that to alcoholism if she has not already.

What are you getting out of this relationship with this woman?. Your codependency needs are being met but at what cost to you and your kids?. Put them front and centre, not your alcoholic.

This woman has been in AA for 15 years.. what are you talking about "will lose her career to alcoholism if she hasn't already" ?

I’m talking about him and what he is getting out of this relationship with his alcoholic partner. A successful career and alcoholism do not mix either.