Partner won’t stop lusting over women

[ggggrace]

Had this issue for a while and I’m at breaking point. Me and my partner have been together a few years. We’re in our 20’s I have a son from a previous relationship, my sons dad had constant affairs, was abusive etc. Me and my partner have a 12 week old. Backstory…

when we first got together he would use onlyfans a lot, porn sites. I stated I didn’t like that, it was a boundary of mine. A boundary that keeps getting broken. Until he fully stopped for a year. Until when I was 6 months pregnant. He searched a pornstar he used to watch and watched one of her videos, I found out and broke down - this is after he agreed he could respect my boundary of no porn. 6 weeks later I was talking to him about a photo of kanyes wife that was circulating the media - where she’s pretty much naked. Next day I found out out whilst I was pregnant in the other room getting my son to sleep he was touching himself to said photo ^ he said he was looking at that, looking at my photos / videos and had also searched cosplay girls on Google.

side note he is honest he will admit things and apart from this we’re a perfect match which is why it’s so upsetting. We have sex pretty much everyday. Have thousands of photos and videos of me / him / us. I’m very open minded sexually nothing will be a no for me really.

Anyway back to when we first got together. He had tried to access his old phone and even searched tutorials how to retrieve his old photos - I asked what, he admitted he had a curiosity of his ex’s photos.

but like I said this all stopped for a year until the two incidents when I was pregnant. This last weekend I walked into the bedroom and he scrolled off something, I ignored it. Last night I looked and it showed he was on Snapchat reels. These reels are ridiculous it’s basically porn, girls flashing, in outfits, naked hiding themselves behind their hand dancing etc. He admitted he had a scrolled through them. I’ve said to him it seems like you have a problem I can try help you etc and he’s adamant he doesn’t.

im so hurt because I am so in love with this person, beyond in love. I can’t imagine my life without him. But it’s getting to the point where I worry when he’s in the bathroom. If he’s at home without me. If a pretty girl walks past. If he goes to the gym I worry. He’s basically said when I asked him why he did that when I was pregnant “ I just wanted too, it was a curiosity” I’m broken. I can’t imagine my life without him but I also feel so broken inside to the point where it’s exhausting me now I feel genuinely depressed. What do I do? Is there any groups I can join to try talk to other people who have been through similar? Porn is so normalised nowadays it’s the women who are the issue now, we get called insecure and controlling when we don’t want our partners watching it ( he hasn’t said this I’ve just seen a lot of men say this )

how do I get over this trauma whether I stay with him or not. I just want to feel like me and happy again. I know the comments are going to be “leave him. Believe me part of me is considering it - but the other half is so in love with the rest of him. He’s an amazing dad. Great in every way apart from this.

He’s an amazing dad. Great in every way apart from this.

No he isn't an amazing dad - and neither is he great. He's a scumbag to treat you like this.
Just leave - your life will be immeasurably better eventually.

Amazing dads aren’t disrespectful to the mothers of their children.

Unfortunately the die was cast when you allowed this man to repeatedly break your boundary. You should have got rid then, and I’m not sure why you didn’t.

You know what to do. Either you do it or you roll over, again, and know you’ll be here again, and again, and again.

You shouldn’t have put up with it in the beginning. This behaviour isn’t normal or acceptable, I’m sure he’s told you that all men do it but it’s just not true. You will never be able to trust him and staying with him will be a waste of your life.

He is great to the kids. Not me of course. I just know if he didn’t do this we would have an amazing relationship it’s the only problem in our relationship. I don’t need to be told all of this. I already know. I just kind of want to speak to someone who’s been through similar. I have 0 family and 0 friends. I’m honestly so lonely in my head right now.

it is conflicting because we are a good match, he just can’t respect that boundary. It’s like he has an addiction. But how is that overcome?

@yeeshhes actually said it’s wrong to do when you have a partner. Honestly beyond confusing

No, he’s not great to the kids if he treats you like this. And you’re not a good match.

You sound ground down with little self respect, which is probably why you can’t or won’t see this man for who is really is.

Why don’t you have family or friends?

@Ddakjimy family is a huge mess. I don’t really have anyone supportive family wise. I don’t even really speak to any of them. Friends wise all my friends have kids and are busy with their own lives so don’t really speak regularly or see each other… I’m not going to be told we aren’t a good match. When he’s not watching these things I can’t ask for anything more from a relationship, but the damage he causes everytime he does it just doesn’t go away. He went a year (I checked everything I knew he wasn’t watching anything but it was an exhausting year constantly making sure) it’s just like he relapses and everything goes downhill from there. Do men honestly ever get over this

To him it’s a hobby, not an addiction. He won’t ever fully stop as deep down he doesn’t see an issue with it, he enjoys it. I would work on getting all the material of you deleted to be honest. Protect yourself and put up stronger boundaries.

I agree. Get rid of all that stuff with you on it. You don't know how it will come back and hit you.

My exh was similar, not quite as bad as yours, it just drove me to resentment, him always excusing me of being jealous, being out of the marriage is so much better for my sanity. I don’t think I they ever change.

I just know if he didn’t do this we would have an amazing relationship it’s the only problem in our relationship

He's someone who treats women like objects and doesn't give a shit about your boundaries. You cannot have an amazing relationship with someone like that OP. He's not an amazing person, he's an arsehole.

But you aren't a good match, if this is a boundary for you but he wont stop

I’m a little bit lost as to what he’s actually done wrong here? Has he actually cheated?

Do you have an issue with him masturbating in general or just over porn?

I don’t know why you’d tell someone what your boundaries are when it comes to another person’s fantasies? Is he not allowed to fantasise and how do you intend to police this?

Sorry if I’m of different opinion here but if he’s not cheated on you and is just looking at porn it really is fairly normal. Personally I know my husband watches porn, I don’t feel threatened by porn stars or Onlyfans because quite frankly if Big Tit Brenda or whatever he’s watching for 3 minutes wants to take him and his washing she’s welcome to him.

I sense more insecurity from yourself if I’m honest than him actually doing something wrong. It sounds like you’re tarnishing him with the same brush as your ex which is really sad on him. You say you’re open-minded but you got upset about your partner masturbating over a picture of Kanye Wests naked wife. You don’t sound open minded at all.

@BeMellowAquaSquidim completely against porn and everything it stands for. Fact is I told him this was a boundary, he accepted this and assured me he thinks it’s wrong to do in relationships too, said he wouldn’t do it again. We started a family and here he is, doing it again.

@Illegally18hes the last person to ever do anything like that. He’s never called me a bad name, shown any aggression, nothing, he’s the type to still take my son on still if we broke up. He pays for everything for my son. Takes him everywhere. Treats him as his own because his own dad is an idiot. Like I say he’s not a bad person at all except for breaking this boundary and the disrespect.

Wow the standard for a good man/dad's gotten pretty low if this is it.
If he was a good dad he wouldn't have this obsession. Which then negatively impacts your relationship. Anything that has a negative effect on your relationship. Is not good for your children.
Do you want this man to be the roll model for how men should treat women.
Also if I was you I would delete all vidoes/pictures on his devices of you. You definitely cannot trust him not to share them. If not now then in the future.

I think the ready availability of free online porn for men is a bit like teaching the cat how to use a tin-opener. Pandora's box is now open and is not going to be closed any time soon. You are entitled to have and set your own boundaries OP but I fear you might have trouble finding a man who doesn't enjoy a bit of titillation now and then. More likely he would pretend not to, which is worse!

OP, I honestly say this with kindness but can you see that "he's not a bad person at all except for (CONSISTENTLY) breaking this boundary and the disrespect" and "we are a good match he just can't respect this boundary" is completely ironic. Someone who constantly disrespects you is not a good person. Someone who consistently tramples over your boundaries is not someone who values you. Someone who can't respect your boundary is not a good match for you.

I understand, but you don't know what may happen in the future. If may, just maybe, you left him, or vice versa, you don't know what he could do. Protect yourself and your children

You set a boundary, he broke it. It’s either a boundary, or it’s not. If you keep bending it, he’ll continue to walk all over you.

He won’t stop. If he was serious about stopping and had an “addiction” he’d seek therapy.

He knows it hurts you and does it anyway. It is literally having a negative impact on your mental health and he keeps doing it - how can you say he’s a good man or a perfect match?

I agree. He's not amazing, he's a sleaze. What is that going to teach your child? What's next? Sex worker's cos he's not getting any from you?

Are you hoping that someone who has been in the same position would give you an alternative solution? There’s really only two options, isn’t there.

One. You accept that he is going to continue getting his kicks by watching sexual content so as to get aroused by women who aren’t you. Accept that he doesn’t give a toss about your boundaries and feelings. He is prepared to trample all over them if they stand in the way of hi pleasure. He is doing that because he has a low opinion of you, not because he has a high opinion of porn.

Two. Leave him and find someone who’s values align with yours, respects you and won’t deliberately hurt you

I’m still at a loss as to what he’s done wrong. Masturbation is the most natural thing in the world, assuming he gives up porn what do you expect him to masturbate over? You? Or do you not want him to masturbate at all? Assuming he convinces you he will never watch it again… what do you think he will be thinking of when he does do it? I’m not being difficult here I’m just trying to get you to think about this logically.

Exactly. He doesn’t respect you which ultimately means he doesn’t care for you or love you. You ask why men do this - many men don’t. But equally - many women just put up with men like this - and the question is now, why do they? Why do you?

But you must respect yourself. And you can’t do that if you keep pretending this man is good enough for you and your children. He isn’t. He’s shown you he isn’t. Repeatedly.

The next step is on you. It’s a big step. A very scary step. But the right one.

In the meantime, I strongly suggest you get some counselling to build up your self-worth.

If he was addicted to alcohol or drugs what would you do? Would you leave him then? An addict is very hard to live with and it seems you are wearing yourself out trying to make sure he is not watching porn.