Had this issue for a while and I’m at breaking point. Me and my partner have been together a few years. We’re in our 20’s I have a son from a previous relationship, my sons dad had constant affairs, was abusive etc. Me and my partner have a 12 week old. Backstory…
when we first got together he would use onlyfans a lot, porn sites. I stated I didn’t like that, it was a boundary of mine. A boundary that keeps getting broken. Until he fully stopped for a year. Until when I was 6 months pregnant. He searched a pornstar he used to watch and watched one of her videos, I found out and broke down - this is after he agreed he could respect my boundary of no porn. 6 weeks later I was talking to him about a photo of kanyes wife that was circulating the media - where she’s pretty much naked. Next day I found out out whilst I was pregnant in the other room getting my son to sleep he was touching himself to said photo ^ he said he was looking at that, looking at my photos / videos and had also searched cosplay girls on Google.
side note he is honest he will admit things and apart from this we’re a perfect match which is why it’s so upsetting. We have sex pretty much everyday. Have thousands of photos and videos of me / him / us. I’m very open minded sexually nothing will be a no for me really.
Anyway back to when we first got together. He had tried to access his old phone and even searched tutorials how to retrieve his old photos - I asked what, he admitted he had a curiosity of his ex’s photos.
but like I said this all stopped for a year until the two incidents when I was pregnant. This last weekend I walked into the bedroom and he scrolled off something, I ignored it. Last night I looked and it showed he was on Snapchat reels. These reels are ridiculous it’s basically porn, girls flashing, in outfits, naked hiding themselves behind their hand dancing etc. He admitted he had a scrolled through them. I’ve said to him it seems like you have a problem I can try help you etc and he’s adamant he doesn’t.
im so hurt because I am so in love with this person, beyond in love. I can’t imagine my life without him. But it’s getting to the point where I worry when he’s in the bathroom. If he’s at home without me. If a pretty girl walks past. If he goes to the gym I worry. He’s basically said when I asked him why he did that when I was pregnant “ I just wanted too, it was a curiosity” I’m broken. I can’t imagine my life without him but I also feel so broken inside to the point where it’s exhausting me now I feel genuinely depressed. What do I do? Is there any groups I can join to try talk to other people who have been through similar? Porn is so normalised nowadays it’s the women who are the issue now, we get called insecure and controlling when we don’t want our partners watching it ( he hasn’t said this I’ve just seen a lot of men say this )
how do I get over this trauma whether I stay with him or not. I just want to feel like me and happy again. I know the comments are going to be “leave him. Believe me part of me is considering it - but the other half is so in love with the rest of him. He’s an amazing dad. Great in every way apart from this.