Have you ever gone non contact with a family member?

[ZanyMauveCat]

Have you ever gone non contact, temporarily or permanently?

How have you resolved things if it's been temporary?

If it's been permanent, what was the final straw/ reason for cutting contact?

Have you been cut off? If yes, why?

Don't want to share any details in case my relative sees this post. Just want to see some perspectives please.

I do support DH and encourage him to make time and effort for his family. It's not my fault he won't ring or message them.

My brother in law. He’s not a bad person so not like any of these, but he chose to say things that I can’t forget or forgive, and I won’t risk anything like that happening again. I wish I was in touch with my sister in law and nieces but not enough to overcome that fear.

My sister. She has been awful towards our parents for over 20 years now, I’ve had them in tears over and over again about things she’s said and done, DP’s have maintained the peace for fear of not being allowed to see the grandchildren. She’s a selfish snob who married into money and thinks we’re beneath her, especially family members who live in council housing who she won’t even visit, makes out our parents didn’t have good enough jobs because we weren’t rich like her DH’s family, and if you have a different opinion on something, she acts like you’ve wronged her and never lets it go. I walked away around 10years ago after witnessing how she talks to DP’s first hand (I live overseas so hadn’t seen it for myself). She did get told why but acts like she has no idea what I mean.

Also MIL although she cut us off in the end. Both DH’s parents should never have had kids really and did the bare minimum of parenting. He does have fond memories of his DGM who he spent a lot of time with, and who MIL constantly put down and ridiculed! She tried to be very controlling of both her DS’s and wasn’t happy that DH married and moved away. She became really difficult towards us and we did consider NC a few times - then out of the blue she wrote a letter saying she was having nothing more to do with us. I think she expected us to go running begging her to change her mind. A few years later she wrote again saying she regretted it, followed by 3 A4 pages about what a terrible person DH is, so we’re still no contact.

My dad

he was a court ordered once a week dad who showed no real emotional connection to us. Lied about other kids he had. Cut me off when I was 16 for asking for help to buy exam papers. Then we reconnected at 19 when my grandparents died. We were ok until age 26 when I was getting married and told him my mam was walking me down the aisle. 2 weeks before my wedding he rang me and told me he wasn’t coming to the wedding and then his whole side of the family cancelled too.

it’s been 10 years and i havnt spoken to him or anybody in his side of the family. Blocked them all on social media. He hasn’t met 3 of my 5 kids and they don’t even know he exists. I have my amazing step dad who raised me from the age of 5 and he is their grandad.

i don’t see me ever speaking to him again. My life is less complicated or emotionally conflicted without him in it. His brother died the other week and I didn’t attend the funeral and it got me thinking would I attend his. and I’m not sure part of me would love to speak to him on his deathbed, unload all my trauma on him and maybe get an apology

My father, permanently.
For some reason this man managed to keep both me and my mother emotionally hostage. Telling my mum that if she stands up to him, he'll make my life miserable in retaliation, and telling me that if I stand up to him, he'll financially ruin my mum (they had a business together even after their divorce).
6 years ago the business went under due to him embezzling business funds. My mum was financially ruined either way and now has massive debt, but she no longer needed to appease him so she cut contact.
As soon as I heard, I cut contact as well. Only then did we discover how we were both being threatened and manipulated.

Despite the financial headache, we're both much happier now and finally at peace.

Yes, many times with my family of origin. Sometimes I was the one to break of contact, sometimes it was them. We would usually reconcile after a few weeks to a few month with nothing resolved.

I couldn't handle the fights, the screaming, yelling and passive aggressive remarks anymore, when any of us felt aggrieved by something someone else had or hadn't done. It was so dysfunctional that I started to feel sick after each and everyone of these confrontations and I dreaded visiting them as I never knew what sort of mood they would be in.

I broke it off permanently a few years ago, because I just couldn't handle it anymore and I was wondering how much longer I would have to have these fights in my life and I found myself almost wishing one of them would die so it would stop. In the end it I went no contact after one more confrontation, that was fairly minor in comparison to what I have experienced all my life. But it didn't matter, we would never change as a family and would always end up dragging each other down.

At some point all you can do is walk away.

Not spoken to sister in law for 13 years now, and it’s bliss. I don’t need people like her in my life, she’s a shit stirring jealous bitch, a real piece of work. Several family members have walked away, even my husband has very little time for her. You reap what you sow, and she certainly deserves being ostracised.

Yes. And as I've got older I've regretted it. Estrangement is really a last resort but I did it as an emotional response. Sadly, the individual has died and I wish more than anything I could go back and try to resolve the problem. Too late though. And it is the biggest regret of my life.

So could I x

Brother, not spoken in 20 years, no regrets

I’ve gone NC with all my family. But then when we all left our family home, communication just dwindled. The main issue for me was sadly any contact I did have, always resulted in abuse towards me or promises never kept, eg brother said he would visit, I prepare, he’s a no show with no contact made. It’s made more difficult because there was every type of abuse growing up. For me the shift towards my dad from the little girl always pining for dads attention to just really angry and finally seeing him for who he was (a narcissistic bully) was when I called to confirm the death of one of my brothers, that happened 3 years earlier. There was no empathy on the call towards me, no curiosity about my life and the call lasted about 1 minute. My brother died through complications of alcohol, the direct result of the chaotic and abusive upbringing we all had, but dad would never acknowledge this. Of course it makes me sad, especially when my kids ask questions about them. I have a loneliness that will never go away. My dad has never contacted me, never enquired about his grandkids, no care whatsoever. I was my dads carer growing up - he wouldn’t even acknowledge the truth in this. Going NC is one of the hardest decisions I’ve ever had to make, but ultimately when being around someone cause more pain than not being around them - then this tough decision has to be made. To be clear, I wanted to talk it through, but this was always met with unwillingness and hostility, it was always one sided. When I became a mum, I realised I had to make a tough decision because every time I was with my family, it would cause a lot of mental distress in me, dad is like my kryptonite, and he could have me wanting to cut off my hair through a mental breakdown in less than 5 minutes. He would say the cruellest things to me, all out of earshot from anyone else, then when I picked him up for it, he would call me the drama queen, too big for me boots, etc etc. when I became a mum, I wanted to be the best I could be, and that meant saying no more. I didn’t want to be the reason my kids ended up in therapy.

Currently LC with db which may move to NC. He's in his 70s and has not been there for me.

My mum. 13 years.

Reason was (mainly) emotional abuse that started when I was 3 and lasted until the last time I ever saw her when I was 37. It was constant. Not something that cropped up now and again.

Eg as a child, I was mocked and usually punished for expressing any emotion - if I was happy, she'd mock me to bring me down a peg or two; if I was sad, she'd mock and humiliate me for crying. She often goaded me into anger and would then talk about getting child psychiatrists involved and how the 'men in white coats' would take me away. I was clear in wasn't loved and I saw love as a shameful, embarrassing flaw.

As a young child, she dressed me like a boy and cut my hair short because I wasn't pretty enough to have long hair or wear dresses. And then she mocked me when people thought I was a boy because it proved that I was ugly.

As a teen, she went into school to tell the school she didn't want me doing 9 GCSEs because I was a girl and so they'd be no use to me. She wanted me to do childcare and typing which, at the time, were designed for the girls in the 'remedial class'. Thankfully, the school supported me.

She criticised absolutely everything about me. From the way i looked, to my personality, my interests, my character. I genuinely believed for many years that i was just an aberration. I had no friends because I didnt trust anyone who said they liked me because of the things she said.

She made me homeless and threatened to cut my grandma off when my grandma said I could live with her. I ended up in YWCA supported accommodation because of the lies she told about me. I was never given a reason for being there beyond 'not being right in the head'.

When I became pregnant with my first child, he cheated and the relationship ended. I had no alternative but to move back 'home' temporarily. Unbeknownst to me, she arranged for me to go into a SS run mother and baby home. I can't see how she achieved it without lying because all of the other mothers in their were drug addicts, care leavers, on CP plans or had babies on CP plans and were undertaking parenting assessments or had their childen removed. The staff including my keyworker said they had no idea why I was there because I didn't need to be. But she also became obsessed with the fact I needed a SW and used the fact I was in there as the reason. When she was the only reason I was there.

She made countless attempts to sabotage me in various way and when it worked used it as evidence that I was mentally unstable.

By the time I was in my 30s, she told my brother she didn't love me. She didn't hate me and didn't actively want something bad to happen to me, she just didn't care if it did.

Anyway, when I was 37 she did something that resulted in the police and SS becoming briefly due to concerns around her. It was made clear to me that, should I continue contact, a S47 enquiry would be opened and I was at risk of losing the children. I haven't seen her since. Tbh, I didn't need much encouragement by then.

And just in case anyone thinks there's no smoke without fire, I saw a psychologist who said there was nothing wrong with me mentally that a bit of distance from my mother wouldn't solve. I have a first class degree, a masters and work in a professional field with a clear enhanced DBS. I've never had SS involvement but the entire family has cut her out.

Going nc was a bit of a coup for her, though. Legally, I can't tell anyone why and she has lied telling people it was down to my mental instability.

Damn. What a cold bitch. Well done for breaking free.

I would like to. I have a sibling who has always had mental health issues who is also controlling and manipulative. I had counselling recently and realised my sibling has been bullying me and trying to control me since childhood: being jealous of my achievements, trying to prevent me having a good relationship with my parents, getting angry when I pull away to live my own life and worse. The family have always dodged around this sibling but the problems grow. My parents unfortunately can't pull away and don't have the heart to deal with this sibling who abuses them. They won't let us help them either so we watch from the sidelines as our family breaks apart because of one person.

My father. He was horribly rude to me out of the blue, then escalated it when I asked him to apologise. It made me realise that his “love” was conditional on my always doing as I was told.

It’s been 2 years and I don’t regret it. The fact that he now sends DS’s birthday money by cheque rather then to mine and DH’s sole bank account because it has my name on it tells me everything I need to know.