Have you ever gone non contact with a family member?

[ZanyMauveCat]

Have you ever gone non contact, temporarily or permanently?

How have you resolved things if it's been temporary?

If it's been permanent, what was the final straw/ reason for cutting contact?

Have you been cut off? If yes, why?

Don't want to share any details in case my relative sees this post. Just want to see some perspectives please.

This is one thing I’m an expert at!

I went non-contact with my brother for over a year, only got back in touch after our Granddad died so he was obviously coming back to the area with his children, 1 I hadn’t met, and the same on the other side, he hadn’t met my youngest. Wasn’t at all bad considering, but it’s been almost 6 months with next to no contact (so good), but DH, and I and our 2 DD’s are going to stay near them tomorrow for 2 nights (wish me luck!). The reason I went non-contact was because I had enough of the verbal and emotional abuse. I’ve been called many spiteful names by him, always, and even in our 30’s he would push and push for a reaction out me, by name calling, passive aggressive sarcastic digs, and when I was younger I would take the bait and react, but for the last 2 years I would just take and take and take. But as soon as he was telling me to “f off you bas@/rd” and this and that just because DD tripped over the dog’s water bowl in their kitchen and we weren’t ’respecting his property’ (DD was 3 at the time), that was it for me. Especially when his dogs had burst so many DD’s footballs at my home. Anyway, we will see how it goes this week.

My Mum has always been my brother’s supporter and they kind of ganged up on me as a child because I was different (adhd). I actually think they are both narcissistic by now! But I still see my mum regularly, just because she is good with my DD’s. But we also had a run in a couple of years ago where she said that her and me were done after I moved out of the holiday home she owned which she told me to come live in so we weren’t paying another holiday let owner while we were between purchases, just because I told her we were thinking of looking somewhere long term to rent since it was working out expensive with the air bnb fees and how much diesel was since it’s so far from everywhere. But to be fair she does support my DD’s so I can’t take that away from them so I’m civil with her.

My Dad I’m actually choosing not to go out of my way with at the moment just because he brings so much negativity. I’ve been so busy with my 2 DD’s, working 2/3 nights a week, law degree, and while I was doing my dissertation he was always so sarcastic how I was so busy. I recently went for an interview and a university to study a Masters degree, he knew I was going, didn’t say good luck or asked how it went so I still haven’t told him I’ve got a place to study the Masters (Social Work Masters so was dependent on a successful interview).

I just feel like if someone is bringing you down, family or not, cut them off if it makes you feel better. You obviously will always have a void because it’s not the “normal family” way, but I know my DD’s won’t feel the way I did because I’ll make sure they never do.

Yes, with a much loved sibling. Took 30 years to confirm his wife was a manipulative, narcissistic bitch who ultimately destroyed the close ties we had as a family unit.

One bad apple is all it takes when the apple has more than one face.

Ultimately his loss although it is upsetting to think how it could have been as we grow older.

My mother and my brother.
They treated me horribly during the worst period of my life, so I went NC for about a year until they finally apologized. My mother has since passed and sadly, I never felt the same way about her after she did that. The trust was gone, and wisely so as it turned out since I have been told she talked the same vile crap about me behind my back even after she was supposedly sorry for doing it to my face. 😞 I continue to be wary of my brother as well and the contact is minimal.

My sister has gone NC with me. She was emotionally abusive to me my entire life and it only got worse when we were adults.

She suddenly cut my parents off for 6 months about 4 years ago. She then got back in touch as if nothing had happened and invited them for Xmas. I was not invited and there has been no contact since. I don't know why but I am quite happy about it. I tried to go NC about ten years ago and my mother begged me not to. I'm not quite sure why they continue to be in contact with her but that's not my problem.

My dad. I was NC for 5 years. There was a straw that broke the camel's back, but it was after years of awful behaviour from him. My siblings didn't go NC, but understood my reasons and had their own for maintaining a relationship with him. It was a huge weight off me (and DP); he was such a negative force in my life. I lived away for most of the time I was NC, while my dad and siblings live near each other. I moved back a year ago, and he became very ill not long after, plus we had some big family events. My siblings wanted us both at those, so I caved and went, and have had low contact since. I hugely regret it. My siblings now see me being in some contact as forgiving him and now everything should be water under the bridge. He's increasingly elderly and starting to need help. They are resentful that I won't help with him and it's causing rifts between us. It would have been better for me to stay NC. All that to say, think hard not just if NC with your relative, but your relationships and ramifications with the rest of the family. I hate my dad, and now not just for what he did, but the fact I can't just live in peace with him not in my life without it tearing me apart from my siblings.

No contact with father for 5 years now. Sense of relief and freedom!

I would suggest talking to a counsellor before you make the decision to go no contact/reach out to one if ever needed. No contact is 100% the right thing for me and my family but there are times it can feel hard/sad like at wider family funerals or when I long for what should/could have been as seen friends with nice dads!!

Being in a situation where no or low contact is needed is hard and exploring those feelings and being kind to yourself is important.

After 5 years I am now genuinely at a point of ambivolance towards him. No anger. No love. Don't wish him harm. Dont wish him well. Its nice to now be in that place instead of feeling hurt.

My brother and mother.
My brother committed an awful crime, and then committed several more in an attempt to cover it up and pay solicitor fees. Nine years N/C.
My mother is a separate issue - controlling and highly critical. Went L/C about thirteen years ago, and N/C eight years ago. Last straw was when my dad died and she got angry (controlling) with me because I didn't put her 'needs' first (behave in the way she expected) in the five days following, when I was dealing with my own grief, and all the phone calls I had to make, and paperwork to do (they'd been divorced with no contact for 25 years, with extreme hostility towards him on her part).
My mother lives in another country, so that's been easy. Don't know where my brother is, or if he's still alive. No intention of regaining contact with either.
I feel sad that my brother fucked it all up with the choices he made, but also anger at how merciless he was. No relief, as such, by going N/C, as he'd presented as a really lovely chap until then, but it absolutely had to be done.
My mother - a big relief to no longer have her in my life. I feel free. She hardly ever crosses my mind.

My brother.

Lots of things over the years but I finally got fed up of being treated like a child and blocked his phone number.

I sent him a letter but honestly my life is better without him periodically upsetting me and then laughing about it.

personally, i would only do this as an absolute last resort.

i have done this several times with my mother over the years. I am 60 now so she is elderly. I still see her now but very much less than we did and on my terms. Our relationship is better than it was but if I get suckered in it will quickly go to shit again.

Yes my mother and all her side of the family.

We were never close and she was always a controlling ,manipulating, lying narcissistic, violent and toxic person who spent her time gossiping about and criticising her family, even the ones who did everything to be kind to her.

After my father died she tried to commit inheritance fraud and to drag me into it which could have go us both in trouble with the law/the tax office.

She also casually mentioned my father had left me a goodbye letter as par of his will and that she had decided to read it and destroyed it.

After I saw that she did not even respect her dead husband's wishes there was nothing left/I had nothing left to give to that woman and I finally admitted to myself that I did not and had never loved her and cut all contact.

My mother, she is a nasty narcissist she 84
Haven't seen her for 10yrs and I don't plan to

Yes, sibling who tested every boundary known to humanity, despite all events being of his own making. There comes a time when decades of blaming others is too much, with an episode of violence ending any contact. I just cut off contact, as damaging your own life is one thing, dragging it into my home, no!

Yes, both parents and my sibling over 20yrs ago. No regrets, in fact the opposite looking back. Both parents also from NC families which is interesting (all parents and siblings) They have never seen me as a parent (or know where I have lived for over 20yrs), they have also missed my kids growing up (they would have added…nothing, in fact the opposite), I like to think I have used my situation to be a better parent (I think I have looking at how they have grown up)

Thank you to everyone for sharing, some of your stories are heartbreaking, and I hope that standing your ground in tough circumstances has helped everyone to heal at least a little bit.

I'm curious about whether you will attend her funeral when the time comes.

What an awful story. She sounds batshit.

Yes, I am NC with my mum (my dad is long dead and I have no siblings so she is my only ‘family’ other than Dh and my children).

She facilitated contact between a known convicted paedophile and my children. Then when confronted, I explained how it was obviously horrible but even more so because I had been sexually abused as a child myself, her response was pretty much, “so what? I don’t get why it’s such a big deal.”

If you can believe it, that wasn’t even the straw that broke the camel’s back - though it did mean she was no longer allowed any contact with my children. The final straw was one of her friends got in touch to tell me what a terrible person I was and that I needed to apologise to her and make things right again. Because apparently, the reason she isn’t allowed contact with my children is because Dh and I took some enormous amount of money from her (like several £100k! 🙄) and then refused to let her see her grandchildren anymore because we weren’t happy when we couldn’t get more.

There was no going back from that. I was willing to give her some grace if she worked on herself and got some therapy and dealt with her own trauma that led us to being in this situation, even if she no longer had a relationship with my dc, we could maintain some sort of adult relationship. But spreading lies about Dh and I, nope, that was a line crossed and there was no going back.

It’s been 5 years and I’m very happy with that decision. She is from what I hear quite lonely. She has no family as they are dead or she was long estranged from them for other reasons. Her partner’s children are all NC with them, so no children or grandchildren in their lives. Her friendships sound temporary, neighbours and such, but they move house about every 2 years to a completely different part of the country even in their 70s. She is constantly dissatisfied. Always wants a bigger house, seafront this time, new furniture, new car, new wallpaper, then selling up and another new house, new furniture, etc. She was like this before, but I’ve been told it’s even worse now because she has nothing else going on.

My brother has gone NC with me at various times for 18 months, then 2 years, then most recently for 11 years. No reason given for any of them. He’s caused so much upset with me, my mum and dad. We were only thrown together again when my dad died and now are in respectful contact about care for my mum. Once she’s gone I’ll never speak to him again. I sometimes feel very trapped in the situation as I can’t get away from him at the moment and I think that’s the tiny bit of control he has in his life (semi-abusive wife etc etc)

I could have written this word for word about myself. Took me about 10 years to realise it. I miss my brother sometimes but I realise now I lost him a long long time before we went NC

Yes, it's just pointless arguing

My mother and a brother. It was a complicated family anyway, lots of issues and an argument with my brother was the final straw. DM totally sided with him, there were many arguments and she refused to speak to me. I did try but eventually gave up. It's been a blessing in disguise and life is so much more pleasant and straightforward now. I have a big family of my own and other siblings.

I probably won't host a funeral for my mum after the bizarre narc display that became my dad's. I'm politely in contact, will support logistics but she's on an information diet.
This will also help avoid my brother who is seriously unpleasant. After probate I won't be in touch with him.
In-laws, I leave totally to DH now. 30 years! And I'm still treated like a new arrival. So polite at the odd family event but I don't facilitate contact with the kids or support cousins.

NC with my 2 yr older brother since around 2011. He tried to reinstate contact in 2012, and my dad tried to mediate in 2012 or 13.

I am not interested. He was abusive to me when we were kids - emotional, physical, psychological and sexual. He developed a relationship with my best friend from school when she was 16, they had 2 kids 11 months apart, and got married in between. After they were divorced, my friend/ex-SiL confirmed he had been emotionally, financially, psychologically and medically abusive. Friend had sciatica during 2nd pregnancy and brother policed pain relief saying that he didn’t want her to become an addict. She was also not permitted to go to appointments alone. He controlled them, saying that she was too forgetful, so he went to every one. She was prevented from having a job or friends. He tried to destroy her relationships with me and her mother who she was quite close to as she was an only child.

Worst thing I ever did was encourage her to go on that first date the summer we left school. It never occurred to me that he might behave with her like he had with me.

I think he feels hard done by and sees me as the Golden Child as I went to uni and was financially supported by our parents till I was nearly 23, while studying. He barely finished school, attendance in Year 10 was less than 25%. It was a relief to me to not see him at school; he’d go out of his way to ankle tap me or barge into me, so that people in my year group would then take the piss.

I've been cut off by my sister in law and have no idea why. She has also got her husband to join in. She will not talk to me about what the issue is, so if I did do or say something wrong, I can't fix it or apologise. My husband and I seem to talk about it every week but have no actual solutions.
The whole thing is worse for him than it is for me - it's his sister after all - and that doesn't seem to matter to her either.
It strikes me reading some of the terrible stories on here that her action is really disproportionate.

I think my sil was jealous that her awkward brother got married first. She struggled to find a partner in her 20s and the clock ticked loudly in her 30s. So she was never pleasant to me.
She's actually very ill but completely dominated an event for another family member. At that point I tried to think of an amusing or warm or just nice anecdote about having known each other for 30 years and couldn't think of a single thing.
So a polite, information diet and low effort from me.