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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

First night in the new house tonight after separation

41 replies

BigBumble · 20/07/2025 16:33

It’s my first night in my new house tonight since separating from my husband. He just dropped our youngest and I off with lots of my stuff. It really was horrific and traumatic. Ex started crying when he said goodbye to our youngest. Our oldest was there too and is staying with him tonight as they are on holiday tomorrow.

Nothing prepared me for how horrific that would be. It’s very quiet in the new house and I don’t know how I’m going to get through this first night.
Hand hold please. 🙏 How do you get through the first few difficult days? Ex’s reaction was so awful and sad and our teenager was very quiet. It’s so traumatic and sad.

OP posts:
TheCurious0range · 20/07/2025 16:36

Just remind yourself of why you separated. Once your youngest is in bed or something mindless on TV and start unpacking, over you have your things around you it will start to feel more like home

TheAvidWriter · 20/07/2025 18:12

Lots and lots of hugs, been there OP so understand how this feels.

In time you will adjust. I remember just nesting like a mad woman. I made sure my bedroom was cosy and that I surrounded myself and DC with things we loved. You are going to be ok, it will be a rollercoaster of emotions, but this new place is now your home, so make it the way you like.

Be kind to yourself too, specially when you start reminiscing over old things and habits, dont dwell there for long, take a look perhaps, but dont put up a camp.

Iamtarticus · 20/07/2025 18:14

I know alcohol isn't the answer but I'd have a few glasses of wine

ginasevern · 20/07/2025 18:18

Many years ago I was in the same place as you OP. I remember feeling so lost, confused and frightened. Just remind yourself why you're doing this. I promise it will get easier, until eventually you will realise you are actually so much happier.

Original poster
BigBumble · 20/07/2025 18:28

ginasevern · 20/07/2025 18:18

Many years ago I was in the same place as you OP. I remember feeling so lost, confused and frightened. Just remind yourself why you're doing this. I promise it will get easier, until eventually you will realise you are actually so much happier.

Thank you so much, everything feels so strange right now, I keep thinking about what i would be doing in the family home right now. It will take a while to get used to. Glad it’s gotten easier for you now. It’s very tough.

OP posts:
Original poster
BigBumble · 20/07/2025 18:29

Iamtarticus · 20/07/2025 18:14

I know alcohol isn't the answer but I'd have a few glasses of wine

I like your thinking! I have a supermarket delivery coming with a bottle of Pimm’s 😀 🍷

OP posts:
CleanShirt · 20/07/2025 18:30

God I remember that feeling well @BigBumble. It takes time, when all you want to do is feel normal again. I've been in my own place for almost a year and it's just started to feel like home, which is wonderful but it took this long.

Try to make it your space with things that make you happy, plus you can be entirely selfish about how you decorate!

Sending you love. You've got this x

ConfusedNoMore · 20/07/2025 18:35

God I absolutely remember my first night in the rental house. I was heartbroken.

I hope you feel somewhat differently. I lost my home and most my possessions through my abusive ex so not the same but I was devastated to be in this tiny house that didn't feel like mine.

I made the best of it.

I know this sounds a bit mad, but because my friends helped out , the smell was all wrong because the cleaning products weren't mine.

I think it's the little things that'll help you settle. Some nice new things but some very familiar things. Same cleaner, same laundry detergent...smell is very emotive. I probably sound crackers 🙈

But you will get through. You'll find a new way of being and eventually it'll seem normal and ok.

You've done well getting shopping booked. Just distract yourself with telly and text your friends and cuddle your child. You'll be ok.

Original poster
BigBumble · 20/07/2025 18:37

TheAvidWriter · 20/07/2025 18:12

Lots and lots of hugs, been there OP so understand how this feels.

In time you will adjust. I remember just nesting like a mad woman. I made sure my bedroom was cosy and that I surrounded myself and DC with things we loved. You are going to be ok, it will be a rollercoaster of emotions, but this new place is now your home, so make it the way you like.

Be kind to yourself too, specially when you start reminiscing over old things and habits, dont dwell there for long, take a look perhaps, but dont put up a camp.

Thank you ☺️ I have surrounded myself with beautiful things and I’m busy making the place feel homely. It’s a beautiful house, I absolutely love it, it just feels very strange and I keep thinking about what I would be doing in the family home right now. It’s all very strange and odd.

OP posts:
slightlydistrac · 20/07/2025 18:44

If you were in the family home right now you would be mostly thinking about your relationship having reached the point of no return, and wanting to leave.

MarvellousMonsters · 20/07/2025 18:44

Tonight is the first night of your new life, it’s daunting but from now on you get live your way. No checking if H has any objections, or justifying your choices. You can eat what and when you want, take the kids to do the stuff you want, watch whatever you want on the tv, and so on. Unpack, settle in, make it your space, have all the candles or pictures you like, get the extra cushions and blankets for the sofa, buy the funky rug for the living room. Let the kids sleep in your bed, or stretch out and enjoy the lack of snoring.

But right now, tonight, if there’s nothing in the shopping you fancy eating, order a pizza or something like that and just breathe.

You’ll be ok, I promise. It turned out to be the best thing that ever happened to me.

Original poster
BigBumble · 20/07/2025 18:46

ConfusedNoMore · 20/07/2025 18:35

God I absolutely remember my first night in the rental house. I was heartbroken.

I hope you feel somewhat differently. I lost my home and most my possessions through my abusive ex so not the same but I was devastated to be in this tiny house that didn't feel like mine.

I made the best of it.

I know this sounds a bit mad, but because my friends helped out , the smell was all wrong because the cleaning products weren't mine.

I think it's the little things that'll help you settle. Some nice new things but some very familiar things. Same cleaner, same laundry detergent...smell is very emotive. I probably sound crackers 🙈

But you will get through. You'll find a new way of being and eventually it'll seem normal and ok.

You've done well getting shopping booked. Just distract yourself with telly and text your friends and cuddle your child. You'll be ok.

Thank you 💕 I’m sorry you had such a difficult experience. I hope you are more settled now. I left due to emotional abuse and I know I’ve done the right thing but it’s still hard. I’m very fortunate to be in a lovely new-ish rented house, it’s lovely and I’ve bought some nice stuff from my eff-off fund! It smells very new, of fresh paint which is nice, just different to my old house. It is very painful to think about our old family routines like eating dinner together or watching a film. I’m focusing on creating new routines and new memories now.

OP posts:
Original poster
BigBumble · 20/07/2025 18:49

MarvellousMonsters · 20/07/2025 18:44

Tonight is the first night of your new life, it’s daunting but from now on you get live your way. No checking if H has any objections, or justifying your choices. You can eat what and when you want, take the kids to do the stuff you want, watch whatever you want on the tv, and so on. Unpack, settle in, make it your space, have all the candles or pictures you like, get the extra cushions and blankets for the sofa, buy the funky rug for the living room. Let the kids sleep in your bed, or stretch out and enjoy the lack of snoring.

But right now, tonight, if there’s nothing in the shopping you fancy eating, order a pizza or something like that and just breathe.

You’ll be ok, I promise. It turned out to be the best thing that ever happened to me.

Thank you so much. Oh god your post made me emotional 😭

OP posts:
BurntBroccoli · 20/07/2025 18:52

I remember that feeling well when I moved into my new house after I split from my partner (the house was sold).
It felt horrible as the house wasn’t great and looked even worse than I remembered with a dog crap filled garden. I cried for an hour solid, had a couple of glasses of wine then actually started painting the awful kitchen at 11pm with some spare paint I had!

I felt much better afterwards!

You will get there, I promise!

ConfusedNoMore · 20/07/2025 18:54

Yes doing better now. I'm ten years on. I did manage to buy my own home though I wish I was smelling fresh paint as I've been too unwell to make a proper dent in the decorating in the last few years!

If you had emotional abuse then you have done incredibly well to be sat where you are. Have a cry but don't make it because of regret. Be proud of yourself and that you've got a better future ahead.

It has not been at all easy for me but I am grateful every day for the peace in my home and to not have my ex destroying who I am anymore.

Sun has just come out here. Go enjoy that pims! Test out your bath! 😊

Day 1 ✅

You've done well.

LondonBagpuss · 20/07/2025 19:08

I remember the feeling well. I unpacked what I could and looked online for pink kitchen accessories and other so called outrageous items I would never have been allowed to have. Once I started getting my own, brand new stuff on the shelves I couldn’t have been happier. Good luck in your new home, never look back.

GentlemanJay · 20/07/2025 19:08

I was lucky as I moved back in with my mum who was my crutch for the next 18 months.

Bobnobob · 20/07/2025 19:12

Oh my love. Think about the reasons why you separated and turn each one into a positive… you won’t have to deal with that ever again. Enjoy relaxing in a home that is ALL yours, allow yourself feel little glimmers of excitement when you think about the future. Book a holiday or start a savings fund for one.

TimeForSomething · 20/07/2025 19:13

We will keep you company. Have you got your bed made and ready for later? Is there a podcast you like? Some candles to light? Been where you are and I’m sending you all my love. In a couple of days you will be grand ❤️

limetrees32 · 20/07/2025 19:21

@ConfusedNoMore you're so right about smells .I'm exactly the same .

OP well done ! Think how far you've come since the first time you wondered if you could manage to separate and where to start .

KimHwn · 20/07/2025 19:25

Huge love to you OP. The one thing that really helped me was buying a radio! I found that the new house was somehow a lot quieter than the family home (I don't know how much of this was in my mind tbh) but it seemed to pep everyone up to have voices in the background all the time. Radio 4 was very very good company when I needed it and really helped the atmosphere of my home!

newyearsresolurion · 20/07/2025 19:32

Hugs. The first night in my home after separation I remember just feeling at peace. However it's hard at first I know but if your feeling guilty always remember why you left.

BurntBroccoli · 20/07/2025 19:48

KimHwn · 20/07/2025 19:25

Huge love to you OP. The one thing that really helped me was buying a radio! I found that the new house was somehow a lot quieter than the family home (I don't know how much of this was in my mind tbh) but it seemed to pep everyone up to have voices in the background all the time. Radio 4 was very very good company when I needed it and really helped the atmosphere of my home!

I second this! I have the radio on constantly and have one in each room downstairs.

Soonenough · 20/07/2025 20:04

Lucky you in some ways . I would have loved to be able to move to a lovely paint smelling house. And it is completely yours to do what you want. Eat what you and the DCs want and when ,decorate as you want , TV etc . Have your own bedroom all to yourself. No sleeping next to a man who is unkind and uncaring. Perhaps rather than thinking of it as losing family life, refer to it as anew beginning. Sundays are even harder I think . Once you are in a routine of going to work and kids it won't take long to seem familiar. And you have the summer to establish yourself so that makes it easier. Hope you have supportive friends in RL .

Original poster
BigBumble · 20/07/2025 20:42

TimeForSomething · 20/07/2025 19:13

We will keep you company. Have you got your bed made and ready for later? Is there a podcast you like? Some candles to light? Been where you are and I’m sending you all my love. In a couple of days you will be grand ❤️

Thank you 💕 My bed all made up with a brand new duvet and it’s a new bed too, I had to start from scratch so most stuff is new which feels weird. I’ve put my youngest to bed now and will phone my mum then have my first bath in the new house 🛁

OP posts: