First night in the new house tonight after separation

[BigBumble]

It’s my first night in my new house tonight since separating from my husband. He just dropped our youngest and I off with lots of my stuff. It really was horrific and traumatic. Ex started crying when he said goodbye to our youngest. Our oldest was there too and is staying with him tonight as they are on holiday tomorrow.

Nothing prepared me for how horrific that would be. It’s very quiet in the new house and I don’t know how I’m going to get through this first night.
Hand hold please. 🙏 How do you get through the first few difficult days? Ex’s reaction was so awful and sad and our teenager was very quiet. It’s so traumatic and sad.

Thank you so much. I’m really really lucky in that I’ve got a lovely new built HA home. It was freshly painted when I moved in and it’s a nice blank canvas. It really is everything I have ever wanted, lovely little garden for the children and there’s a little park 1 minute away. It’s perfect 😍 Feeling weird but a bit better than a few hours ago. 💕

Yes it does seem so much quieter than the family home. I’ll look into buying a radio 📻 🎶

How are you settling in @BigBumble?

It'd a week on now, OP! How's it going? I hope you're started to find some of the peace you so deserve.

I remember those early days and how overwhelming it felt but a better and brighter future really does lie ahead for both you and your children.

Thank you! It’s been a very hard weekend. Last week was nice getting used to the new house, my ex was on holiday with my oldest so just me and my youngest in a little bubble. We had a lovely week pottering about, This weekend has been very very rough. I dropped my youngest up to the old family home and had to leave him with my teenager and their Dad which nearly broke me. Very emotional weekend, it’s hit me and I’ve been very homesick for my old life and old house. Teenager very reluctant to stay overnight with me which makes it so much worse. Used to our little routines like making a hot chocolate before bed and watching a show together. I’m consumed by grief and sadness and fear that I’ve made a terrible mistake. I love my new house though, it’s just tough to realise what I’ve lost. But I did it! One week in the new house. It’s early days 💕

Oh bless you....my heart breaks when I remember my exh closing the door in my face at drop off. I used to go to the supermarket on a Friday night after drop off and would be wandering round with tears in my eyes.

You need him to collect from you, as long as he's ok to know the address.

Talk to your teen. It's really tough. Maybe they might get excited about decorating a new room?

You're moving forward. Keep going.

I used to sit in the car on the driveway as I didn’t want to go into an empty house. It can be a bumpy road but onwards and upwards. Sending hugs.

Thank you. 💕 He’s at a difficult age, it’s so painful but I’m keeping on going 💕

Hope you are okay now and things got better for you. Yes that is the worse thing, the dark, empty house. I used to love time to myself on the rare occasion I got it but this is very different.

No young children at home here. Going through a very similar situation. So much of my past has disappeared in a puff of smoke. It’s very painful and I hope as others have said that it will pass. X

I am thank you. That was many years ago now. I make the most of the time when the kids are with me and then when they aren’t, I work or see friends or catch up on life admin. You do definitely get used to having time apart from the kids. It is more intense when they are with you so the breaks can be nice. Although mine were much younger when I separated.

The first few nights without DS were crippling. I used to cry all the way home and drank a bit too much to help the numbness fade. A few months in, we were all getting used to it. I use the time now to sort his room out whilst he’s gone, and when he comes back we have a routine that means we settle back to normal life pretty quickly. I also got to decorate my home the way we wanted to, without the rules that my ex had. I also found having a place of my own, and getting DS’s room to be how he likes it, was so important to him and to me. Took a while but life is so, so much better than it used to be.

“……and I’ve been very homesick for my old life and old house…… I’m consumed by grief and sadness and fear that I’ve made a terrible mistake. I love my new house though, it’s just tough to realise what I’ve lost. But I did it! One week in the new house. It’s early days 💕”

I know It can be really hard at times, but when you feel this weird rose-tinted nostalgia creeping in, remind yourself why you left. Take a breath. You’ve got this.

Your eldest is feeling sad and angry, he will come to accept it and you all will get used to the new normal.
All it will take is a disagreement between ex and eldest and he will seek you out, you just have to be patient and once he comes back to you, any questions/ sadness expressed to you by him is answered with sympathy, love and that your marriage is over.
You know you had to move out, you are going to feel emotional when you drop off your youngest and go home alone at first. You will be mourning the old home, you will be questioning yourself if you did the right thing in leaving but it wasn’t the home, the boys that made your life intolerable, it was your ex. I would plan a pamper session, put upbeat music on or make plans with people on the days you are alone.

You know...this will sound a bit hippy dippy but something that I've thought from time to time that helped me. ...

I used to think about the things I loved about my 'old life' .... And it was all from me anyway. I didn't lose it. I liked being a wife. I like looking after people. I liked being committed in my relationship. I liked making a home and cooking nice meals and nurturing the garden. He didn't. He destroyed things. All the nice parts were me.

I stopped being a wife but I could still have all the things I valued because they came from me. It's like that idea of dating yourself.

Reconnect with the things that you love in a meaningful way. Cook, enjoy your music, watch films, go for walks .. whatever it is. You'll find a new rhythm in your new home.

This only works if you’re ok for your ex to know where you live- but I was finding dropping my son off with his dad for his week there very hard, especially driving back home on my own. We now do it so whoever is having our son for the upcoming week collects him from the other parents house, so no drive back on my own.
Still a bit sad to see my son go off for the week but I’m in my own home and can then get on with something at home and distract myself.

Dropping him off at his dad’s house then driving away was quite hard and our new way is better.