How to get over someone

[Forestmumlondon]

I've recently finished things with someone I was seeing for a couple of months. Things hadn't got particularly serious, but we did speak a lot and had slept together. This is the first person I've dated properly for a long time and I really fell for him! I thought I was happy single before, but it was so nice to have him to talk to / go on dates with / physical affection etc. Being a single parent it felt good for someone to be paying me attention and being protective etc.

It recently transpired that it's not a good idea to keep dating him, found out things that point to him potentially being abusive with his ex and there just loads going on there separation wise. So have finished it.

But I miss him :-( it's so annoying, is it just a matter of waiting it out or is there anything else you can do to stop thinking about someone and missing them!!

Wait it out, distract yourself, and whatever you do, do NOT call or text him.

Give it a week or two, you'll be absolutely fine.

Block him on everything so that you can’t be tempted to pick up the scab
If it helps, write yourself a little list of all the reasons why you ended it and keep that to hand to read if you need

Thank you this is good advice, I cracked and text him a couple of days ago 😭

Delete his number and block his social media.

Have just blocked on WhatsApp, although looks very easy to unblock again, so not sure how much that'll help. Although at least stops any messages from him getting through (not that I think he'll send any)

My best advice is just block him on everything and focus on yourself! I’ve been in this situation a few times and the only thing that truly helped me get over it is focusing on my self and bettering myself. Taking care of myself mentally and physically, going out with friends, family etc. As much as you miss him now there will come a day when you don’t even think about him anymore, I hope you’re okay 🫶🏻

When you feel the urge to speak to him, write it down. A physical letter. Then look at the list you have as to why it’s not a good idea to contact him again, then burn the letter you’ve written.

Then do something that makes you happy - pop on the garden, smell the flowers, or even just put in your favourite music and have a dance in the house.

Plan your weeks so you’ve no quiet time. The feeling will pass. And at some point, probably when you’re least expecting it, you’ll find someone. Loneliness is hard, but it’s harder being with the wrong person.

Don't go there. Stay strong. I know it's hard when a relationship ends.

Potentially abusive? I think that means he was/is abusive to his ex. Not exactly a catch.

Before you block, delete. Then you can’t contact him. No contact is key.

I’d also plan sone nice things for yourself with friends over the next few weeks. Keeping busy helps too

I have this nagging doubt that maybe what his ex says isn't true, he's told me it's definitely not but then he would wouldn't he!

Either way it was just getting too intense with all the accusations/drama

A nagging doubt based on what? Women don't lie about abuse.

As someone who has experienced horrific abuse in a relationship and post separation abuse, it makes me feel sick that someone would doubt what I have been through. Believe me, it's hard to open up and when I do it is just the tip of the iceberg. My ex tells everyone that I'm the abuser whilst I've stayed silent due to fear.

Well I guess it might not be true, or some of it true, but when you have DC, you can’t take the chance. Delete his number, then you can’t cave and message him.

Buy a 🐐

😂

It’s good it’s ended sooner rather than later as once the routine and rituals you have with a partner become established it’s way harder. You are strong and decisive for ending it!

It's not enough to block. You need to delete all your chats and his number so you can't add him again and unblock him. I know how hard it is, and 'no contact' is the only way.

Well she only accused him of it once he'd started court proceedings for custody of the kids (not full custody!).

And he's quite convincing when he says it's not true!

But yes I agree it's not worth the risk

That's not uncommon. You only disclose abuse when you absolutely have to because you're still afraid of the perpetrator and fear the repercussions. It took me years to even start to open up about it. I did during legal proceedings (and I wasn't asking for full custody either) because you feel a little bit safer when higher authorities are involved.

Thanks that's good to know, and makes sense. I'm sure sometimes people make things up but can't imagine many would??

I just thought maybe it seemed like she was scared he would get the kids more than she wanted so desperately started making accusations. Either way it doesn't bode well.

Re do your hinge profile and meet someone else

I've no real advice I'm afraid except to keep busy.

Clean the house, weed the garden, de-clutter that loft etc

Buy some new clothes, get a pampering session, have a meal out with friends.

It's like stopping smoking, breaking the habit and forming a new routine.

I know it's tough. x

Perpetrators (usually men) can accuse the victim of being the abuser. The victim meanwhile stays silent due to fear and shame. Not that victims should feel ashamed but that's what the abuser does to them.

If issues of abuse are raised in court, it would be investigated anyway because of child welfare so it wouldn't be a good idea to make it up.

I hope this helps you to move on.

From Women's Aid website - myths about domestic abuse:

Myth #9: Women often lie about abuse.
Reality: False allegations about domestic abuse are rare (Crown Prosecution Service, 2013). This myth is extremely damaging because the fear of being called a liar can and does deter women from reporting the abuse they have experienced. It is worth noting that perpetrators sometimes present as victims, either because they see themselves as victims or because they are seeking to maintain power and control over their victim. It is therefore important that professionals working with both victims and perpetrators fully understand the dynamics of domestic abuse (see for example Respect 2020).

Definitely feel there's no smoke without fire in this case. I'm not sure how they'll prove a lot of it though as it will be her word against his!?