Does grumpy negative partner make you change for the worst?

[Snickers2356]

Hi all,
as the title says, my partner is very negative with a short fuse. Before there were kids he was fine, we would never argue. However as my daughter is getting older and talking more etc, he just gets angry about really unreasonable things. Some examples are… a smear on a window (would apparently look like someone has been sick on it), or if our daughter says goodnight to me twice as I’m leaving her bedroom at night, he’ll be shouting from downstairs that she only needs to say it once. I always feel on edge and not often relaxed at home when he’s there and kids are there too as he always finds something to have a go at them about. He can’t seem to prioritise peace. Now I think about it I think he’s probably always been negative but I just used to let it bounce off me and I didn’t entertain it. So it didn’t affect me. Like if we have a holiday booked instead of being excited about the holiday he’ll be commenting on how difficult the long flight will be with the kids (btw the kids are generally very well behaved and people always comment on how good they are.) DD has her silly moments but she’s very good mostly.

im just recently thinking i would be so much happier alone. And for their sakes too. It’s not nice growing up around this dramatic negativity like everything is the end of the world. And I’m always on edge waiting to have to diffuse the situation or distract so it doesn’t ruin the day. When I’m stressed or tired, he just adds to my stress by going on about really irrelevant things that most people are able to just deal with.

anyway, sorry for the moan. I don’t really even have a question, just if anyone else is in that situation do they also feel just so dragged down by their partner? I’ve also become so snappy, irritable and fed up in the last few weeks I don’t even recognise myself. One minute I’m fine and the next minute I’m crying. I’m pretty sure on what I need to do but just need to sort finances and take that step . Thanks everyone xx

I think that sounds like a horrible way to live and it would get me down too.
it sounds exhausting and unfair to have live on eggshells.
Does he ever show any sign that he knows he’s over reacting/ being grumpy/ controlling etc? It’s still no excuse but if it has changed since children could he be depressed? It’s not up to you to fix him if he is though and he still shouldn’t be horrible to you.
I think separating does sound like a good option for you and the children to have a peaceful life, especially if he shows no desire to change.

Thank you for your reply. I’ve been thinking about it this morning. If I look back and I’m honest with myself I think he’s always had it in him. I just think it wasn’t that bad at the beginning. But I remember now there were a few times where I thought “what a negative way to see things”. I actually used to think he might be depressed. But it’s lasted for so long now I guess it’s just in his personality. I just saw a photo today of when I asked him to take kids to father Xmas when my daughter was around 6 months. And I remember the day because he got so annoyed with the queues ans the kids around and being in the shopping centre. I remember just crying because the day didn’t turn out as I’d hoped and instead it was me just going through the motions because he’d already sucked all the happiness out of the day. So I guess he’s always been like it. I was just too accepting to see what a big problem it can become

Ironically he’s turned into my grumpy negative energy absorbing dad. The man he absolutely hates and I guess that’s why I overlooked it for so long… because for me it was kind of normal and familiar. I mean it wasn’t like this on this level until just recently. But I think it’s clear that he can’t change as it’s just who he is. He’s got the victim mentality. I’ve only just seen it clearly. he has things to be grateful for… family, nice house, we were like best friends (not now), health. But instead he’ll ruin the mood over a crumb in the sink, or because my daughter didn’t tuck her chair ib. As I’m writing this I’m actually just thinking what an idiot he is. Just I think I’m so run down with work, kids, money worries and the whole daily routine I’ve basically become like an angry irrational shell or who I used to be. Just so I give a balance view and am not just moaning about him, I should mention he works hard, does lots of housework and helps me with chores so he’s not all bad on a practical level. But emotionally he’s drained me out :-( so sorry for the rant xx

Living with someone like that would be just so draining , where’s the fun . No I wouldn’t live with someone who sucks the joy out of life and your poor daughter will feel this as she grows .

My husband is also a negative person. I never saw it and was always a very optimistic person so just always saw the best.

After we had our son (7 years after we met) he gradually became more and more stressed (our son has additional needs so it can be challenging) I remember going on holiday and he was so fed up the whole time, I was constantly managing him and managing our son. Not once did it occur to him to offer me any support even though I was mostly dealing with our son.
Even at the minute I am have health issues and dh is having to do school run, getting shoes on is such a palava! I now have to go down and support. He also does bed time teeth brushing and again I have to go in every night and manage the situation.
Sadly between dh, ds and chronic pain I have lost my optimism too.
I’ve no advice, dh is lovely and funny, he provides for us and helps me a lot with my health issues but yes I wish I’d seen earlier. I also wish he would try to work on it, he did a stress management course that helped a bit for awhile and tried counselling but got kicked off for not doing the homework (CBT)

Also your negative parent comment struck a chord, both my parents and my sister are extremely negative maybe the behaviour was obvious and I didn’t see it because it was normal.

Now you’ve realised you married a younger version of your dad, you do realise, unless you do something about it, your dc will likely either do the same, or turn into him in adulthood.

My best friend was married to a fun sponge, she left him 8 months ago and her dc told me the other day, that these last 8 months are the happiest and most fun they ever had. Quite profound from a 13 and 15 year old.

My husband was like this & I suggested counseling or anti depressants or divorce! He chose the counseling & went for about 2 years. Best money we ever spent. People can change if they want to.

I had one of these and a moment of clarity around a big birthday. I thought do I want to feel like this in ten years time or do I want to try being happy?

its hard financially but dc and I are infinitely happier. The dark cloud in the room is gone and that is priceless.

coparenting has been a challenge but has gotten easier over time.

My ex was the same. He was was diagnosed with depression but apart from medication did not use any of the strategies suggested by the doctors. He constantly criticised our son and this only escalated in lockdown. Ex had COPD and he accused DS of trying to kill him shen he didn’t immediately wash his hands after returning from his 1 hour walk! Ex ruined holidays and family occasions. He drank a lot and it came to a head when he physically attacked DS . The police were involved and we moved out. I felt so guilty I hadn’t got DS out of the situation before .I didn’t realise how unhappy he was . We are so much happier now .

His behaviour goes beyond a bit grumpy everyone in house will be walking on eggshells so not to set him off , unfortunately you will never appease someone with that mindset.
I feel sorry for you and especially your daughter as that is not a healthy environment to grow up in.

I just have to say thank you for cheering up my morning with your “fun sponge” comment! Made my day. Now when I look at him for the rest of the day your words will cheer me up :-)

I have no advice but just wanted to say I feel exactly the same. My husband is ALWAYS depressed/feels not well/head hurts/is tired, there is literally always some sort of problem that he has. He is never happy/excited/positive or looking forward to ANYTHING. I'm always walking on eggshells and have basically given up speaking to him because it always just makes me feel worse. He also never suggests going anywhere or doing anything at all, and if I suggest anything all he does is moan about the time/cost/weather/whatever fucking else. Me and the kids are actually going on holiday with my mum and sister instead of him cause otherwise we'd have a really shit time.

Latest example, yesterday was 'crazy hair day' at the kids' school and I attached a coke can to their hair to make it look like their black hair was the coke spilling. Everyone on the way to school/at school said what a great idea it was and how good it looked, kids really liked it too.

Before I left the house, on the other hand, all I heard was moaning about having to buy the cans and moaning that the cans were going to 'cut their hair off' and insinuations that it was a shit idea.

I'm just really tired and feel drained all.the.time. I hate weekends tbh, so I know how it feels xx

You did indeed marry a version of your own father. We learn about relationships first and foremost from our parents so look at what yours taught you.

Before the kids came along your attention was all on him and now the kids are here your attention is primarily on them. He being the abusive twat he is, he does not like this at all. He wants to be number 1 with you all to serve him.

You have a choice re this man, they do not. And your relationship bar is sub level low because those points are the barest of bare minimums he should be doing.

Wildflower

I would also urge you to be brave and seek legal advice re planning your exit from this. This is no life for you and your kids .

I hope that one day you will come to like the weekends again but that will not happen as long as you remain with your Mr fun sponge for your own reasons.

Aww this is so lovely to hear. I imagine it being so light not having the negativity. Just of course I have to think about practical/ money things a little bit as that’s what is restricting me right now. But my eyes are open now and unless a comet hits him and knocks him into his senses I think the outcome is definitely to separate and I’ll just live happily with the kids xx

Yes I’m learning that I can’t ever appease him because something fundamentally in him is missing. I thought it was just his circumstances before and that’s why he was like it. But it’s not, it’s just clearly in him and I’m only just seeing it. We have money stress, I’m not always amazingly positive or a wonderful calm person. But I try to pull myself around from the negativity or frustration by thinking I have so much to be grateful for, eg kids are healthy (which is the main thing in life), we’re not on the streets, we have a nice garden for summers etc. but it’d be lovely to have a partner that tries to contribute to a peaceful house. He just drains me and the more time I spend around him he just seems like an underdeveloped simple person :-( the complete opposite of what I thought he was when we were first together the first few years xx

Ah thanks Shera this is so refreshing to hear. Did he accept he had a problem though? Was there a big event that happened for him to open his eyes? So we had a big row a few days ago where I said to my partner I’m fed up with him and how does he expect me to enjoy being around him or be happy when he’s always angry. It’s unattractive and it makes me want to run away from him. And makes me want him to stay out of the house. Because before we were like besties. Now he’s like a grey cloud. And feeling I have to protect the kids from him always makes me on edge. For two days little was spoken between us. And I said to hi

… sorry internet went. I asked him if he had a chance to think. And his response to me was “why don’t you admit it… you’re an angry person too”? So it was a proper deflection on to me. I mean yes I am angry and I am fed up. But it’s because of how he is behaving always and the frustration comes because I lost my best friend and have this grumpy a hole in his place.

Op why don't you ' reverse sociology ' play the game, so you when around his negative picky mood be your happiest, throw in a skip or two, sing a song anything but the opposite to him, your daughter can say ' good night ' 100 times if she wants too, why even comment, that's nasty of him, in those situations with the children go over and above with affection with them, he doesn't like it, so do it more,

Honestly if you reverse the sociology, you will feel lighter, the egg shells will disappear,

Make little comments, oh daddy is grumpy today, oh silly mummy's left crumbs in the sink, keep making them , don't wait for a reaction ,
Believe me he will ask ' why are you so bloody happy ' you reply ' rather be me than grumpy you' and walk away,

He choice to be grumpy/ negative half empty glass person, but your not op nor are your children,

So smile and wave as they say,

Try it and see how much better you feel, Victor Meldrew can live in misery but don't let him drag you and children there op,
Good luck, Victor Meldrew needs taking out with the rubbish,

This is interesting. I am extremely thick skinned and don't put up with any of this sh*t, and yet low mood and niggles become insidious don't they...?
I faced down DH and told him he was a joyless husk and that really hit home. But it was his work colleague who asked him if he was OK and it turned out he wasn't (but wasn't prepared to talk, I guess it would have come out as a litany of complaints I would have to solve) - he took some time off work and went on antidepressants.
More recently (fast forward 10 years) we had some counselling about our different parenting styles which helped.

I recently divorced and have had therapy over the last few years.

My therapist said that often a couple can get into a communication/relationship dynamic that doesn’t work for them and starts an endless cycle of negative behaviour and arguing that doesn’t go anywhere.

As you have posted, when you tell him his negativity gets you down, he immediately wants to blame you. I believe every word you have said, and although he is the problem, nothing will change until he realises this or takes some accountability.

I would suggest that you try to approach this as a “this isn’t working for us and we both need to find a new way of communicating with each other”. I would also strongly recommend going to a very experienced marriage counsellor. A good one is trained to spot each persons rigid thinking and entrenched ideas. They can help you break through the impasse to find a way forward. Often it shouldn’t be a total blaming game, but a genuine effort to find a new way of interacting.

You may have to change some of your instinctive behaviours, not because you are at fault, but for the simple reason they don’t work with him. I guess I’m referring to your admissions of being a bit snappy (which I think are perfectly justified).

I’d like say try this, before thinking of leaving. If you give this a go and still cannot make the relationship work, then at least you know you gave it your best shot, and if you leave you will always know it was the best thing to do.

A word of warning though, sort out what your finances would be and know where the money is before ever muttering the word divorce. My ex totally rejected any counselling and we were headed on the road to divorce by the end of the same day.

This is very interesting and I hadn’t actually thought of counselling. I’m not sure how it would work on him as he doesn’t think he has any problem. And I can imagine him telling the counsellor that they’re in the wrong as that’s generally how he thinks about everyone and everything.

He also thinks he knows best, and thinks im lucky as he doesn’t gamble, drink, do drugs and is hard working. Like someone else said though, that’s a basic requirement, not something to shout from the roof tops.

he often tells me that I’ve made him like this, he was fine and happy before, I can ask his exes etc. the funny thing is years ago I did speak to his ex and her words were that she used to try to get him to enjoy life and make him see that things aren’t that bad. But even though he knows it he still sticks with the “line up my exes and ask them” nonsense.

oh and just to add a bit of strength to his argument, he always uses the fact I swore in our first argument ever and he didn’t, just to strengthen his case that he =good, me=baaaad . And he throws it out there proudly because all these years later that’s all it comes down to for him 🤦‍♀️

Even today alone, when my daughter burnt her mouth on food he started to tell her off for crying. Then five minutes later when event was all over and there was calm (event lasted less than ten seconds probably so was well and truly done) he was going to launch into a lecture about how she’s starting school in September and she needs to grow up. Then I kind of cut him off and said “she’ll be fine”. Ffs She’s four, not 14. And bless her she just burst into tears briefly, she didn’t scream the house down or anything. I don’t know why he has to battle everything and why he can’t just let pointless things go. I hardly ever hear him having a normal chat with her. Or any positive interaction unless she comes asking for her to look at the puzzle she’s done for example. The other day (about six weeks ago now), he picked her up to hug and kiss her and it felt so weird to see and that made me realise that he never does it. In most houses that’ must be normal. and it made me feel really sad for her like she deserves so much better. And he doesn’t deserve her

Yanbu