Does grumpy negative partner make you change for the worst?

[Snickers2356]

Hi all,
as the title says, my partner is very negative with a short fuse. Before there were kids he was fine, we would never argue. However as my daughter is getting older and talking more etc, he just gets angry about really unreasonable things. Some examples are… a smear on a window (would apparently look like someone has been sick on it), or if our daughter says goodnight to me twice as I’m leaving her bedroom at night, he’ll be shouting from downstairs that she only needs to say it once. I always feel on edge and not often relaxed at home when he’s there and kids are there too as he always finds something to have a go at them about. He can’t seem to prioritise peace. Now I think about it I think he’s probably always been negative but I just used to let it bounce off me and I didn’t entertain it. So it didn’t affect me. Like if we have a holiday booked instead of being excited about the holiday he’ll be commenting on how difficult the long flight will be with the kids (btw the kids are generally very well behaved and people always comment on how good they are.) DD has her silly moments but she’s very good mostly.

im just recently thinking i would be so much happier alone. And for their sakes too. It’s not nice growing up around this dramatic negativity like everything is the end of the world. And I’m always on edge waiting to have to diffuse the situation or distract so it doesn’t ruin the day. When I’m stressed or tired, he just adds to my stress by going on about really irrelevant things that most people are able to just deal with.

anyway, sorry for the moan. I don’t really even have a question, just if anyone else is in that situation do they also feel just so dragged down by their partner? I’ve also become so snappy, irritable and fed up in the last few weeks I don’t even recognise myself. One minute I’m fine and the next minute I’m crying. I’m pretty sure on what I need to do but just need to sort finances and take that step . Thanks everyone xx

I had an XP who turned me into Pollyanna. He was negative about everything, and if he wasn't negative then he was grumpy. Spending money was his particular bugbear (he was very well off, lived with his parents until well into his 40s and had saved a very great deal of money) and would never put his hand in his pocket. But it turned me into someone who felt that she HAD to be positive about everything, so the more 'down' he was, the more I would try to counteract him by trying to point out the positives and it was awful. It also meant that I felt I could never be unhappy or negative because that would feed him and he'd then spiral down into 'everything's awful, everything is bad, my life is so awful...' so I'd have to pretend to be positive, even when all I wanted was a big hug and to be told everything would be all right.

He was exhausting. And penny pinching. Nice man apart from that, but I couldn't put up with it any longer.

Wow op your 4 yrs old is told to be nice be kind, yes this is what we say, but her dad is dismissive of her hurt, what message is he sending her, she'll spend the next few years being told to be kind be nice via school/ mum, but it's dad that needs this life lesson,
Thank god she has you op, does he resent your lovely relationship with her,
So vulnerable at this age aren't they, she just needed a hug, and daddy makes her feel silly and childish, little love she's 4, what a twat he is op

Wow op your 4 yrs old is told to be nice be kind, yes this is what we say, but her dad is dismissive of her hurt, what message is he sending her, she'll spend the next few years being told to be kind be nice via school/ mum, but it's dad that needs this life lesson,
Thank god she has you op, does he resent your lovely relationship with her,
So vulnerable at this age aren't they, she just needed a hug, and daddy makes her feel silly and childish, little love she's 4, what a twat he is op

I know, it’s very sad. I honestly don’t know why he is like this. But tbh now my eyes are open to it everything he does just re affirms what a not-particularly-nice-person he is inside. I don’t think he’s jealous as such. I think as a previous poster mentions he’s just selfish and would love to go back to years ago when I was all his. But if I need to choose between him and them there’s no competition. God knows what’s wrong with some men, I’m yet to meet a normal one and after this relationship I can’t wait to just be alone with kids without anyone else xx

This will bring you and the rest of the family down boot him out

My husband is exactly like this. It's absolutely draining and I've completely lost sense of who I am anymore. He drinks a lot and I think he's depressed, but I dread him coming home.
Everything is just such an effort for him and such an inconvenience. Never wants to do anything nice unless it's going to the pub, but then when we get there he doesn't want to talk.
I don't know what the advice is but I do day dream about being single. Looking after my daughter alone usually ends up less stressful when he's not arrived I think because he's not snapping at her for small things. My daughter is 5 so similar age to yours.

My husband's dad is quite on the cold side and grumpy (the kind to be rude to restaurant staff and not tip) so I think he gets it from there.

Did they also get competitive with their grumpiness? Like my husband doesn't acknowledge my thing I'm sad/mad about and will just try to one up me "yeah well I'm xy&z" and not give me the chance to talk about my thing

I could have written this, (I also have put my own post on) as I have chronic pain issues and rely on my husband alot.
Do you feel like if you didnt and you were healthy, you'd leave him? That's a bit how I feel tbh.
That being said I try and be independent as much as I can because Ivr no doubt looking after me is tiring, but in reality, I get involved in many of his tasks because he's not capable of doing most of them without complaining or shouting.

I found it easier before the pain because I just adapted my life. I worked less so I could take on more of the home stuff.
Now dh has to do a lot more because there’s stuff I can’t do like the dog walks/hoovering/garden. A lot of the kid stuff still falls to me tho.
But yeah I would really struggle without him - physically and financially.
it’s rough isn’t it

You’ve described my life with my STBXH to a T. They never change. I had a lightbulb moment when I realised I was a better man/woman/daughter/son/sister/brother/husband/wife than he ever could/would be. Life is rough during the divorce- he’s openly hostile now- but I’d never take him back. Like you, he was familiar to me (abusive dad) so I put up with it much longer than I should have done.

Sounds like your pain is fairly recent (is as mine. 1 year in currently). We sound like the same person. And yes, I need to ask my husband to do a lot more and if I don't ask it doesn't get done. He never wants to just do things. We now pay for a cleaner to come because when I was at the height of my illness and in hospital he didn't clean anything or change any bedsheets for 2 months.

Yes I’m 9 months in. I’ve had to accept the hoovering isn’t done every week any more. Standards have definitely dropped but he is also working full time so not easy on him.

We had a talk. We’re on different wave lengths and there’s still lots of blaming me and trying to pinpoint/prove that the main problem is with me. Don’t think this will go anywhere. I was trying to talk without ego and get to the root of the issues and anger and frustrations with family life. But I give up. It’s easy for him to just jump out and find himself a peaceful place to live, with no responsibility

You sound like such a lovely person, self aware and clear sighted about yourself and your h. Shame he’s not the same.

You and your dc deserve so much better than this energy drain sucking the joy out of life.

I think thinking of separating is dependent on what life is like for him, ie is there money worried or health/ parental worries? Is work stressful? Do you get on at all since having a child? Go on dates? Have time with each other? Does he have hobbies/ gripe get out?

Maybe none of these are an issue but I think we all get grumpier as we have more responsibilities hit us and forget how to be more chilled as we’re always going etc. Not standing up for him it’s just I realised recently I’m a very very different person to who I was pre children (some of his episodes do sound extremely grumpy though)

I do really agree with this. We do have money stress, we bought a new house and spent a lot of money doing it up. We’ve always got on amazingly well, worked together 247 as had our own business before and done things like the renovation together. Now we work separately, and we’re both stuck in this “racing” kind of situation where financially we have to keep going and going otherwise we get behind so fast. And of course he’s exhausted after work, as am I so there’s less energy from either of us to try to tolerate the other person. There is still a lot that needs doing to the house (important things not cosmetic) so as soon as our heads go a little above water we get something sorted and go under again. So it is a struggle for both of us. But otherwise the amount of things that need doing in the house build up and would be unfaceable. He is super strict with the house being clean (and does it) so I feel it’s an extra pressure he puts on himself when he’s already exhausted. I’m able to relax about the dusting and hoovering, but then have my own things I’m weird about, like if I have work to do or something to do I won’t be able to go to bed for example and just leave it for the next day. So winning the lottery would be a big help 😂 I do agree that our responsibility kind of is draining both of us. But I try to not be snappy with kids when I’m tired as it’s not their fault and I don’t want to bring negative in the house when we’re both already struggling. I’ve asked him before to think of me before he launches into a rant at one of the children as it makes me not like him very much. But we’ve got in this quite horrible pattern I think. And he can’t seem to change. Even now we cancelled the August holiday as the money is more sensible spent on the house. We don’t have family to help us, daughter goes to childminder 8-5.30, we leave house 7.30 and get back at 6. All these things add up as I feel v guilty she’s just 4 and doing a completely nutty length day tbh even for an adult let alone a child. We both just struggle to see where this life is going as however hard we try we can’t seem to have a better quality or see the results of our hard work . Sorry for the rant, I don’t know if it makes sense. But I’m sure we’re not the only ones in this country and this time trying to raise kids, juggle everything and stay sane. And it just seems like the happiness part has kind of drained away and is replaced by us both being completely worn down

Thank you so much, life just seems harder now than it used to be xx