Need a handhold;DH has come out as bisexual part two

[Uberella]

Link to the previous thread as it’s almost full

https://www.mumsnet.com/talk/relationships/5374423-need-a-hand-holdmy-dh-has-come-out-as-bisexual?utm_campaign=thread&utm_medium=app_share

If anyone actually has some helpful advice I’d appreciate it;would be nice if others didn’t project their own issues onto my thread here

Hi OP, what kind of advice would be helpful to you and what would you rather avoid?

I have only read your original post so not sure what went wrong in your other thread.

I have a few bi friends who are married (both same sex and opposite sex) and I do find it odd when they get upset if someone describes them as straight or lesbian (depending on sex of partner) and they have to correct them.

I can't see why sexual orientation matters once you're in a committed relationship. He's bi, good for him. That doesn't mean he can go and experience men so why does it matter?

Has he said why he feels the need to share this? Does he need to feel 'special'?

Why are you upset? Do you expect him to cheat?

All a bit bizarre, I'm sorry he's thrown this at you and I'm surprised your dd didn't just roll their eyes.

Maybe seek support in real life from friends if you arent finding what you seek on an anonymous forum thread?

I agree with this, although I do think it's possible to get really good support here.

On the off-chance that you aren't seeking support from family because you feel like you have to protect his 'secret', don't.

He can't expect to drop this on you, get the kids onside and then demand you deal with it all on your own.

I think its always going to come down to trust. Do you trust him when he says he won't cheat?

What does your gut tell you?

I thought I had a great relationship till my STBEXH Came out as gay. Turns out he'd lied to me through our entire relationship and its turned my world upside down. He also met up with at least one up Looking back, there was distance between us, but I didn't think in a million years it would be that

I have a friend who is bisexual and married to someone of the opposite gender. They do not cheat and it works for them, so it can work fine, but relies on trust.

I think the way your original thread got derailed was unfortunate. I don’t think you were saying that because he’s now come out as bi, being bi will make him unfaithful. But I do think you’re reacting to the fact that he’s chosen to do this so publicly when - if he isn’t planning on exploring that side of his sexuality - there is little need to do so. And I can see why that would make you uneasy.

It may be that all is as he says and he has no intention of acting on it. That’s the best case scenario, and as others have said, being bi doesn’t automatically mean you cheat on people. Lots of bi people are monogamous.

Or it may be that by coming out so openly he is hoping to soften you up down the line for some discussion about opening the marriage so he can sleep with men, and by enlisting the support of others in his coming out he hopes they’ll help talk you round or make you feel unreasonable for refusing to let him do so.

It may be that he’s already been exploring and this is a pre-emptive strike.

In every case, though, this is bound to be a massive shock. It’s one thing to love your husband and want to be supportive, especially when they’re getting praise for being brave and honest in coming out from those whose lives have not just been shaken to the core, it’s another to be able to smile sweetly and validate them when you’re bound to have questions and fears and anger at the lies and the way he came out to your kids before you. You’re allowed to feel angry. You’re allowed to feel manipulated. And you’re allowed to ask questions and not just wave rainbow flags and kill the fatted calf.

Have you asked him why he now feels the need to come out so publicly if he’s committed to your marriage and will therefore not be sleeping with men? Because the answer to this is so important. And how he answers - with evasion, confidence, reassurance, however - is something you need to watch very carefully.

If he loves you, if he’s committed to your marriage, he should also be capable of sufficient empathy to understand how disruptive his coming out is for you, and that he’s pulled the rug out from under you. He should be trying to reassure you that nothing is going to change, and telling you he loves you.

So how is he behaving? Is this all the “new fabulous DH show” with him centring himself and his feelings and expecting everyone to celebrate, or does he realise that this may be hard news for you and is ensuring that he and others are sensitive to your feelings in this?

I agree with @GrumpyInsomniac , I'd want him to tell me why he finds it necessary to share this with all the family. If he has no intention to act on this what is his motivation and what did he expect you to do or say?

and by enlisting the support of others in his coming out he hopes they’ll help talk you round or make you feel unreasonable for refusing to let him do so.

why would anyone else be trying to persuade the OP to open up her marriage on his behalf? That’s very odd if he’s expecting this. I can’t think why anyone else would want to get involved in that

Maybe not right away. But by doing the whole coming out thing, and setting the scene for him having a massive part of his sexuality going unfulfilled and unexplored… he chose to come out to OP’s lesbian daughters and may be hoping that if he later “becomes depressed” at not being able to live as his true bisexual self that they will be supportive as he’s part of the LGBTQ+ community like them.

He may be sorely deluded if that’s what he’s hoping for. But if he decides to leave OP so he can go off and explore, he’s got this ready narrative about how he had to be true to himself, instead of focusing on the fact that he selfishly ditched OP to go and have lots of sex with other men once the kids were grown up and he wouldn’t have to cramp his style with CMS payments now she’s almost done supporting his career and the family.

Similar thing happened to a friend: her husband came out to her lesbian sister first and she was made to feel all kinds of horrible by first the husband and then the sister for not being prepared to open the marriage so he could live his truth. She no longer talks to either of them, and her confidence was completely destroyed.

So yes, it’s very odd. But then so is making this whole fanfare about coming out at his time of life if he’s not going to act on it. And why talk to the kids first? He’s either clueless, devious or totally self-absorbed. Only time will tell OP which.

The thing is what can posters really say? The options are: stay and navigate that or leave and navigate that.

I think OP needs to take her own time to process this news, however long or short it takes. And to do what is right for her, not what is right for the LGB… community on here. Despite what some people on here think OP’s life has been turned upside down and that is going to need her time scale and real life family/friends.

Yep. More like Grace and Frankie.

There's this scene how the (adult) children discuss that none of them would be this supportive if ther fathers had left their mothers for other women (or cheated on other women for their entire marriage).

But because they were gay it's considered to be (mostly) okay...

Anyhow: What would help you, OP?

Strenght and advice about how to leave him?

Advice about open and honest communication? Couples therapy?

I'm just trying to encourage her to talk about it in real life. I didn't give her a feckin' time frame!

Maybe she thought that on here there may be other women who've been through the same? Who knows?! But she has a right to be here and to ask for support if she wants it.

Support isn't telling someone what to do, or giving them black and white options that take into account none of the nuance of her life.

I think I’d just say ‘but you are married and still intend to be monogamous- is that right?’

as long as he answers yes I’d say ‘ok no problem then I don’t see the relevance of your sexuality to our relationship. You’ve never been in a relationship with a man, you never intend to be so really it’s of no consequence. What do you fancy for tea?!’

Have you had any more conversations with DH about what’s motivating his desire to tell people and how it’s making you feel?

it would be good for you to be able to take some time to work out if you want something moving forward or whether his sexuality is a dealbreaker for you having an ongoing relationship. even if you already know the answer to that, you need some time to work out how to take the steps in either case and how you’ll tell people.

Is the issue that you believe he will be looking for a change in your relationship despite what he said when he came out to you?

He says he hasn’t acted upon his preference and if he did he’d like me to be there for a threesome.I don’t know how to feel about that either.

Oh, he's such a prince, isn't he!!

I know how I'd feel about that and my feelings would come right out of my mouth in a bellowing FUCK OFF.

The catalyst was me telling him our marriage was over due to his neglectful behaviour:I was fed up of being unheard/unseen by him and being made to feel little more than a bangmaid.Also between 2018-2020 he had a long emotional affair with his female friend who he use to work with.

The evidence of his cunterrry mounts with every sentence.

He’s apparently committed to improving himself;getting counselling (which is booked);seeing a doctor about his poor mental health (he’s already been to see the GP) and sorting out his scruffy uncared for appearance (he’s cleared out his scruffy clothes and brought a few newer things).He’s also told his dad and close friends about his shitty behaviour and the affair to own up to his behaviour.

Excuses, excuses, excuses. Everyone feel sorry for poor DH and isn't he wonderful for working on himself??!!

Nope.

He was and is a cunt.

Do yourself a favour and get your ducks in a row, OP.

This is only going to get worse and you do not have to sacrifice your life to sit beside this fuckery with a pasted on grin just because you're a Mother.

YOUR LIFE COUNTS, TOO!

OP, apologies because I haven't read all your thread(s).

My ex came out as bisexual as a stepping stone to coming out as gay. That is quite common in this situation. Particularly when it's later in life.

Of course, your DH could be bisexual. In which case he might want that acknowledging by friends and family as part of feeling like he's seen for who he really is. I think that's fair enough to some extent.

You might find it helpful to talk to other people in your (or a similar) situation. I don't know if anyone else has mentioned this group, but it might be helpful for you.

Edit: while the image is reviewed. Search online for Straight Partners Anonymous.

I don’t think there is anything to salvage at this point because as @JustSawJohnny does, I take his mention of the threesome as soft-launching the need for him to see men outside of the marriage when you turn down his oh-so-inclusive suggestion of the threesome. “It’ll be fun! We can take this journey together! 🤮” just ew. This is all damage limitation, and an attempt to keep him in control.

How badly will a divorce hurt him financially? Because he does seem to want to stay married from what you’ve told us, and it may help you to know whether that’s about convenience or finances. At this point I would have all the financial paperwork together and see a solicitor asap. Get the settlement in place before he sacks his job off and goes to live in a commune in Brighton to find himself and influence the division of assets and support by lowering his income.

If he has thought this through at all and is planning ahead, timing this after your DC’s GCSEs may been setting up a 2 year timeline where he gets to experiment and then divorce you once there are no more kids at home. Which will be of more advantage to him as there will be no CMS payments. If so, it’s in your interest to accelerate the process.

Publicly keep the moral high ground by being clear with anyone who asks that the divorce is amicable because really, you prefer a monogamous relationship and you couldn’t in all conscience prevent him exploring that side of his sexuality if it was so important to him that it needed to be stated quite so loudly and widely. The angrier he thinks you are, the more likely he is to dig his heels in, so while you have every right to feel every kind of emotion in all this, you need to play it smart and sort out what you can while there’s the least chance of him feeling guilty for blowing your life up.

And if he really doesn’t have a plan, which seems unlikely, what the actual fuck did he think he would achieve other than you ending the marriage? He’s shown no care for your feelings in any of this. He surely can’t expect that you’ll smile sweetly and just accept whatever crumbs he gives you while he busies himself with finding his sexual identity.

I’m so sorry @Uberella. This just gets worse 💐

Publicly keep the moral high ground by being clear with anyone who asks that the divorce is amicable because really, you prefer a monogamous relationship and you couldn’t in all conscience prevent him exploring that side of his sexuality if it was so important to him that it needed to be stated quite so loudly and widely. The angrier he thinks you are, the more likely he is to dig his heels in, so while you have every right to feel every kind of emotion in all this, you need to play it smart and sort out what you can while there’s the least chance of him feeling guilty for blowing your life up.

Hard agree with all of this.

He is pushing for some huge changes in your relationship and gearing up to place you as the fall guy for the failure of the relationship because you 'aren't accepting' of him.

In reality, you do not have to accept threesomes so that he can get his kicks and no divorce court would argue this is a reasonable expectation in a marriage.

He's playing a very manipulative game because he needs you to play along. What he isn't expecting is for you to encourage him to go find himself and have as many bloody threesomes as he likes - just not with you.

Make sure you tell people that he is already asking you to get involved with other men sexually, OP. Very few people will back him on that and I'm sure those who have your best interests at heart will encourage you to leave.

He has already gained the backing of your kids. Make sure you start getting people in your corner too.

Right now he thinks he has all of the balls. He doesn't.

Good grief I’ve just seen your update about him bringing up threesomes. He is still disregarding your need to process and pushing his own agenda. I’m so sorry 💐Counselling sounds good though, and maybe seeing someone as a couple would be helpful if you want to continue the relationship and if he is willing to actually put this effort in for both of you, not just to pursue his new goals

Just seen that he wants a threesome (assuming MMF given his revelation).

As I said in the last thread though, I think id have more respect for someone saying they were bi and they'd like to experiment than someone just saying they were bi with no intention of acting on it. At least there is a purpose for the former, the latter is self absorbed and the revelation does nothing but serve the person saying it while leaving the other person in a state of limbo/confusion.

Might be useful to explain what you don’t find useful? Hard to know.

What does that mean?

I saw your update on the previous thread OP:

He says he hasn’t acted upon his preference and if he did he’d like me to be there for a threesome.

He totally wants to act on it. Either with you, or without you. This is why he came out.

You just have to decide if you want to stay in a relationship with a man who wants to (and will) sleep with men.

OP’ original post got derailed by people accusing her of biphobia and spectacularly missing the point that her husband had just dropped a bomb into their marriage with his coming out first to her children, and then to her.

There was lots of focus on how being bi doesn’t mean unfaithful and, while that’s true, it didn’t account for why her husband suddenly needed to have a massive coming out - if he was planning on being faithful to OP, why did so many people need to be told and why wasn’t OP the first person he told AND REASSURED. So rather than people being supportive, she got piled on.

Since that, OP put an update on the original thread which is quoted up the page here. He’s obviously being selfish as can be and hasn’t remotely considered how OP must be feeling. So what she needs is likely understanding and reassurance that she hasn’t completely lost the plot, and that his behaviour really is as outrageous as it seems.