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Original poster

Recurrent disappearing acts

30 replies

Iristhebutterfly · 16/07/2025 20:43

Does anyone have any advice for how to deal with recurrent disappearing acts, at the slightest disagreement or any attempt on my part to have a chat about anything? Do I ignore them? Chase him? Try and set a clear boundary that if it happens again things are over?

Together 7y and have 2 young children. This must have happened 5 or 6 times in the past 3 to 4 months. The last time last Friday was after I tried to have a financial discussion with him as I am currently paying for all and organising all removations in a house we have bought together and I asked him to consider a declaration of trust to recognise my unequal contributions. He then packed a bag and left and sent me several intimidating sounding legal messages, and said he would be gone 3 nights. This left me with the kids by myself despite having had plans all weekend, he didn't even say bye to the 3 year old. He turned back up at 10pm monday, said nothing to me, ignored the baby crying all night (I had 4h sleep total from being up with her). Then left early tuesday without saying anything other than shouting at me to ring his phone as he couldn't find it, then came back early evening and acted as if nothing had happened, being all jovial and wanting to play with the kids all of a sudden. He then said he had gone to stay at a spa hotel by himself and had a nice weekend sunbathing and reading. He has spent over £1000 on hotel stays by himself in the past month and we don't even have a family holiday booked this year due to needing to pay for the renovation.

One 2 weeks ago when I asked him if he had had a drink after claiming he was sober, I came down from putting the baby to bed and he had vanished, then had sent a message saying I was controlling
Then turned up 14h later. Another time it was after I said I may occasionally use the home office to do some work from home, he has decided it is his and that I am not allowed access, he then started yelling at me in a restaurant, telling me I can pay the bill, then disappeared overnight and most of the next day, only coming home once I apologised when I hadn't done anything wrong. There have been several other one night disappearances.

It is getting exhausting and emotionally damaging to the children. If I do tell him things are over I am worried things may escalate.

OP posts:
Shesellsseashellsnotinmystreet · 16/07/2025 20:45

Next time he fucks off change the locks. Keep him fucked off.
Ime it will bring you much needed peace of mind.
Claim cms nd don't look back.. He is damaging your dc immensely..

Original poster
Iristhebutterfly · 16/07/2025 20:57

Shesellsseashellsnotinmystreet · 16/07/2025 20:45

Next time he fucks off change the locks. Keep him fucked off.
Ime it will bring you much needed peace of mind.
Claim cms nd don't look back.. He is damaging your dc immensely..

Thanks, yes I have looked at things like NMOs and occupation orders and wondered about trying to put that in without notice while he is away if it happened again. But wasn't sure it would be approved/would meet the threshold.

OP posts:
Owlcat42 · 16/07/2025 21:52

Go and get some legal advice so you're clear about what you can do and how you can keep him out of your home. If your local council has a domestic abuse/violence service it would be worth talking to them (it's confidential) even though he's not been physically violent - it's becoming emotional abuse. They can be very helpful and will provide a good sounding board. Then act. You deserve better, and it's certainly preferable to be on your own than with someone who is becoming abusive. Unfortunately men like this don't become better, they become worse, so the best thing you can do is end it ASAP. Good luck OP and sorry you're going through this.

slosd · 16/07/2025 22:04

Don’t chase him
Protect yourself and the children by making you own plans to separate.

OneLemonGuide · 16/07/2025 22:13

How you deal with it? Given your post, you make a plan to leave him! Have you got friends and family who can help you through this?

Rhaidimiddim · 16/07/2025 22:16

Shesellsseashellsnotinmystreet · 16/07/2025 20:45

Next time he fucks off change the locks. Keep him fucked off.
Ime it will bring you much needed peace of mind.
Claim cms nd don't look back.. He is damaging your dc immensely..

This.
He is mot your partner or your friend, or even a parent ( beyond the sperm donation).

This is completely unreasonable behaviour on his part.

HelloMyNameIsElderSmurf · 16/07/2025 22:17

Are you married? See a solicitor and make plans to leave. Meantime, stop paying for the renovations as you’re not going to get any money from him to pay for them and he’s made it clear your extra contribution isn’t going to be ringfenced.

healthybychristmas · 16/07/2025 22:26

Get yourself to a solicitor and get the house up for sale and move into somewhere on your own. That man is a complete loser. Every time he's losing an argument he disappears. Absolute twat.

Sodthesystem · 16/07/2025 22:33

You leave the asshole.

Don't stay with men who hate you.

Oneborneveryminute25 · 16/07/2025 22:38

Wtf? So many men like this. Totally unable or willing to communicate in an adult manner. He doesn't respect you one bit OP and sees you merely as a convenient provider. I'd even go as far as suggesting he's using you.

Stop trying to parent him and make up when he is causing the issues.

He is conditioning you to accept it's his way or the highway and this will not end well for you or the children. Please cut your losses and get out ASAP.

Bittenonce · 16/07/2025 22:38

Sounds like a keeper. Think you should make sure you never question him again, know your place. If you behave, you might just hang on to him - and only lose your self worth, self-respect, identity, sanity….
Get legal advice, make a plan.

Mindyourfunkybusiness · 16/07/2025 22:43

I'd be tempted to continue mentioning things that make him go away as soon as he's back 😂 keep him out. You are better off alone at this rate.

Alltheyellowbirds · 16/07/2025 22:44

This is utterly batshit. You cannot possibly stay with this controlling, abusive, selfish arsehole.

Storming off and staying in luxury hotels every time you bring up a topic he doesn’t feel like discussing?

No. Just no.

Mrsknowitall · 16/07/2025 23:41

I hate to be the one to say it but could he have a side piece that he is running off to/ spend the night at a hotel with? Causing arguments and using the slightest excuse to piss off esp as this is a recent thing that’s started happening over the last few months. You can’t go on like that, that’s no way to live you deserve better

Bananalanacake · 17/07/2025 05:56

Who owns the house, if it's mostly yours could you see a solicitor.

PsychoHotSauce · 17/07/2025 06:02

Mindyourfunkybusiness · 16/07/2025 22:43

I'd be tempted to continue mentioning things that make him go away as soon as he's back 😂 keep him out. You are better off alone at this rate.

This! He thinks he's controlling you, but you can use it to your advantage and buy yourself time to get out of this hellish relationship.

If he's going to be so predictable, lean into it and use the time he's away wisely.

Velvian · 17/07/2025 06:17

Stop the renovations, see a solicitor to get some paperwork drawn up to reflect your additional contributions and try to get him to sign it. Unlikely that he will, but either way, you need to separate from him ASAP.

GuevarasBeret · 17/07/2025 07:24

It is a rare man that stays in expensive hotels alone. Have you considered that he was going to the hotel anyway, and you conveniently gave him an excuse?

I would ask to see the booking and the receipt from the stay.

Regardless, you need to extricate yourself from the mess. Stop the renovations and get that absolute loser out of your life.

YesThatsATurdOnTheRug · 17/07/2025 07:35

This is incredibly hard to read OP, I just cannot comprehend how he could be such an absolute bellend yet you haven't changed the locks and left his bag on the step! Yes I know you 'technically' can't do that but I'd argue that given how abusive he is being it's perfectly understandable. Get rid of this cocklodging wankstain OP.

Original poster
Iristhebutterfly · 17/07/2025 11:16

Velvian · 17/07/2025 06:17

Stop the renovations, see a solicitor to get some paperwork drawn up to reflect your additional contributions and try to get him to sign it. Unlikely that he will, but either way, you need to separate from him ASAP.

Yes this is the current plan. To try and get a signed declaration of trust to say we own the house relative to our contributions. So trying to keep him sweet until that is done. If it gets signed I like the idea of continuing to ask things that result in further disappearances to give more time to plan.

OP posts:
Original poster
Iristhebutterfly · 18/07/2025 20:46

Bananalanacake · 17/07/2025 05:56

Who owns the house, if it's mostly yours could you see a solicitor.

Currently it's joint tenants though I put in more deposit, so he could try and take half if sold. I am trying to get him to sign a declaration of trust that changes this to tenants in common with ownership proportional to contribution which puts me in a much better position. Just trying not to rock the boat until I have that signature!

OP posts:
GrumpyInsomniac · 18/07/2025 23:42

The other thing to do, if you haven’t already, is make sure any money you earn is in your own account and that he doesn’t have access to your salary or savings through a joint account. You need to protect what’s yours as you know he’s just going to financially abuse you.

Bufftailed · 18/07/2025 23:44

Sounds awful. I had a short relationship with someone like this. Can you leave? Unless he takes steps like counseling to deal with the issues

YourOnMute · 18/07/2025 23:48

I had one of these, disappearing when he just couldn't handle how he was treated, I was always in the very very wrong and he would have to be begged back etc etc.
I eventually separated and some years ago he did the ultimate disappearing act, going incognito, moving house and job so he could avoid paying maintenance. He hasn't contacted his children in years. I suspect he has also married again in another country even though we're not divorced.
So next time he flounces off, keep him out.

YourOnMute · 19/07/2025 00:04

Mrsknowitall · 16/07/2025 23:41

I hate to be the one to say it but could he have a side piece that he is running off to/ spend the night at a hotel with? Causing arguments and using the slightest excuse to piss off esp as this is a recent thing that’s started happening over the last few months. You can’t go on like that, that’s no way to live you deserve better

And there's a strong possibility this is the case, or that it's multiple side pieces because you drive him to it after all.