Partner’s mum had a psychotic breakdown in my home

[Miss1062]

A few weeks ago, I invited my partner’s mum over to our home to celebrate his birthday. I’ve always made an effort to be kind and inclusive, even though I’ve had a few reservations about her past behavior. That night, she’d been drinking while on medication, and things spiraled fast. She had what I can only describe as a psychotic meltdown — completely out of nowhere, she started hurling accusations at me.
She claimed I’d had an abortion (completely false), called me manipulative, and accused me of being obsessed with work. None of it was remotely true. She was screaming, volatile, and it was honestly terrifying to witness — and devastating to hear those things in front of my partner on his birthday.
The next day, she had no memory of what happened. No real apology, no acknowledgement of the damage she caused. I’ve since cut her off entirely for my own wellbeing. I don’t feel safe around her, emotionally or otherwise. But I’ve encouraged my partner to continue seeing her on his own if he wants to. I’ve been clear that I’m not trying to come between them — I just can’t engage with someone who can cause that kind of harm and pretend it didn’t happen.
He’s been understanding, but I know this situation is hard for him too. I love him, but I’m struggling with what this means long-term. I’m also angry — I opened my home to her and this is what I got in return. Part of me wonders if I’m being too harsh by cutting her off completely, but another part knows I’m simply protecting myself.
Has anyone else been through something like this? How do you navigate boundaries with a partner’s parent when things cross into serious dysfunction?

I wonder if there's a history there as your partner doesn't seem surprised. Psychosis is a break from reality where people see, hear, smell or taste things that aren't there. It does sound like psychosis.

My guess is that she's a problem drinker.

@MiloMinderbinder925
I think so it's occurred quite often at events where she's been present drinking.
It's all very sad but draw the line when I received a taste of it.
It's like she was convinced this thing happened when it's totally untrue.
I think she needs help but can't help someone who is blind to their problem.

Yes, I would also think problem with alcohol rather than actual organic psychosis. Irrespective, not your problem, I wouldn’t have anything to do with her after that.

That's my intentions think I just need to disassociate at this point. Luckily there aren't many occasions I would need to avoid anyway and live far away enough to avoid making effort anymore.

She sounds like a nasty drunk. I would do exactly what you're doing and keep her at arm's length.

Phycosis is a very serious condition. What was your partners childhood like?

I agree with others she sounds more of a drinker.

Pretty stable but in an army upbringing and he's had to have her sectioned before after a divorce.
But she seemed pretty stable and lives independently other than the outbursts we've been witnessing.

It doesn’t matter how hard it will be in the future for your partner, you won’t be put in that situation ever again. She is an abusive person and you have to protect yourself away from her. You are not being too harsh, you are not going to back down, if she tries to apologise or make amends through your partner, tell him one abusive outburst, is one too many, in your books!

No children at the moment and strong precautions will be taken by me if there are in the future.

6 years

I would urge you not to have any children with your partner, he forgives his mum’s behaviour and will take any child of his to visit mum. You would be a nervous wreck, when the inevitable happened, you would start hating your partner, for enabling it to happen.

It was all after a divorce and a meltdown over ten years ago and she has lived independently since.

I am not a Psychiatrist but that behaviour just sounds like a drunken rant rather than anything else.
Either way it doesn't matter what she does/doesn't remember it DID happen and unless she is mortified and apologetic I wouldn't be welcoming her into my house again. If its your partners house as well he CAN insist on her coming but you have a choice whether to be there or not

Luckily it's my house so I can make the call.

@Miss1062 did I miss the bit where your partner defended you against her accusations and tell her to cut it out or leave your house????? your house, you decide who is allowed to enter. definitely wouldnt allow her in the house again and would wonder about your non defending partner also!!

She is an alcoholic who drinks against medical advice while on heavy meds. She is hostile and abusive and then forgets all about it and denies it happened or refuses to take responsibility for it. This is her pattern and your partner’s pattern. This is their cycle. He won’t break it for you.

She is the most important person in his life. She is his identified responsibility. You may think you can endure this by telling him “this is my boundary but you keep seeing her” but its like being a sailor’s wife and telling him he can go to sea when he wants and you will stay on land. You are compromising your life and eventually the sea will take him.

Your partner just sat there while his mom went on a drunken rage rant?

@pikkumyy77 laid out really clearly what you can expect.

I would leave the relationship but I grew up with an alcoholic. You can refer your partner to a program for relatives or loved ones of alcoholics like Al Anon.

It must have been awful, and I'd support your decision to detach.

But I think some of the posts here are unfair. She's been sectioned in the past, so I don't consider it just a drunken rage, not would I blame DH for not abandoning her. I don't think she was pretending that it didn't happen either. If it was a psychotic episode she may well have forgotten it, and nor was she in her right mind when she said those things.

To protect yourself, it's fine to keep away. But DH needs to get her to her GP if he can.

He did defend me and has told her several times it was wrong and the reason why I've cut her off.
He supports my decision and is only seeing her himself every other month or so.

Your partner having to have her sectioned, her drinking and her abusive outburst, means she is very unstable, she can’t ever be trusted in the future neither.
He has had to parent his mum, make difficult choices to protect her from herself, to him it’s normal and a cross he has to bear.
You are a threat to her, she sees her son as hers and hers alone. She will compete against you, any children you have, she will play up until he gives in to her demands. She will continually manipulate him and he will be so scared, she will spiral and harm herself, that he will feel he has no choice but to bow to her demands.
Or she will want nothing to do with your children, important occasions, like a child’s birthday, Christmas, she will phone him up in a crisis, say she is spiralling and going to harm herself, she he misses every single celebration your children have. You will be like a single parent, and like Princess Diana, there will be three people, in your relationship/marriage.

Does she definitely know? I’ve blacked out from alcohol and said some terrible things that I genuinely have 0 memory of. (I now don’t drink obviously).

You’re within your rights to not see her. But make sure your husband tells her why.

She definitely does as I told her I'm cutting her off In person.over a message for the things said and the way she behaved.