Were my parents that bad? Or is it just me?

[BostonBeGone]

Name changed for this as some childhood examples are outing.

For a long time I’ve had this weird chip-on-my-shoulder type of feeling. I’ve had some mild depression and some of this I’m sure lies in my childhood. I will explore therapy but generally wanted to see if anyone’s been through similar.

I’ll start my saying generally my parents were okay. I was looked after, stable upbringing, we did okay for money, both parents had decent jobs and worked hard. However, now as a 39 year old and with a toddler of my own I’m starting to think maybe things weren’t all that great afterall and perhaps I’ve known this deep down all along. I feel I may be carrying some sort of upset and resentment which is only coming to the surface now as I mature and have had a child myself.

I know things like this can be subjective and there are people who have had truly horrible childhoods so I’m in no way suggesting my experiences are up there with the worst but now as I see my partner with his parents and how we parent our child I can’t imagine doing or saying some of the things they’ve done over the years.

They constantly (even now) refer to me as being ‘hard work and a nightmare’. I’ve heard this as far back as I can remember. I genuinely have no idea where all this comes from. Yes there were no doubt some sassy moments as a teenager and I definitely gave some back chat but hand on my heart I cannot recall anything more serious. I was a polite child- always heard this from others. Straight A student. Didn’t love school but had perfect attendance and got on with it. Always had a job- worked part time from 15 while at school so never asked for money or lazed around the house. I was sociable with lots of friends who were decent people, no issues with hanging around with the ‘wrong crowd’. I’m actually still good friends with these people now. Yes there was some drinking but I never came home drunk, never smoked or took drugs. Never had any involvement with the police.

At 20, I moved 200 miles away alone to start a new job that required relocation. My parents supported me but in 19 years I can count on one hand how often they visited. Until Covid I was going home to visit every 8 weeks or so. I remain in that area now, bought a house with my lovely partner and had a child.

During my younger years my sister was constantly praised and rewarded. Allowed things I wasn’t. If I complained I was told I was older so should know better. She was allowed a pet, I wasn’t. I got the blame for something going missing in our home age 9 and was screamed at, accused of lying and subsequently grounded for weeks on end even although there was no evidence it had anything to do with me. Item was found and I got no apology. I remember once my mum and I arguing and she screamed that apparently my grandad even said “I’m hard to love”. Not sure if this was true but even so, a dreadful thing to say to your child. My parents refused to come to my leaving ceremony of secondary school due to an argument we had the evening before so nobody was there for me. Age 19, I took unwell. I was worried so took myself to A&E. Asked my mum to come with me but she told me I was a drama queen and refused so I went by myself. Turns out it was extremely serious. I just can’t fathom a parent watching their child drive off the driveway taking themselves to hospital. These are just a few examples, there are many more.

At the end of last year I told my parents I had depression. All I got was ‘sorry to hear you’re feeling like that’. No support, no hug, no offer to come and stay for a few days. They’ve not mentioned it ever since, even to see how I am.

My mum is not very maternal and my dad was prone to shouting and outbursts, I suspect he suffered from depression too.

I’m now terrified of being a bad parent to my child and I’d hate for them to ever feel like how I’ve felt but am I just over sensitive? Is this in any way normal?

Bump

You had an emotionally abusive childhood. It's no wonder you have depression. Please get yourself some help and distance yourself from your family. I'm so sorry you went through this x

they sound awful. And sounds like you were the scapegoat and your sister was the golden child. Toxic for you both x

Having children yourself does give you a new perspective on how you were raised. I went through a very similar process after having my child.
Fortunately I was able to access excellent therapy and after 2 years of that I have made my peace with my parents and can manage my relationship with them in a way that doesn't distress me any more. I hope. You can access similar support for yourself.

Thank you for your replies. For so long I racked my brains thinking it was just me and that perhaps I was the problem. My mum herself was poorly with cancer when I was about 23. She recovered and we naturally supported her and tried to remain strong for her. I’ve just recalled another time a few years later my friends dad had cancer. I was very close with this friend and her family so was really upset when we found out her dad was ill. When I told my mum about his illness she said to me “I don’t remember you being this upset when I had cancer”

Unbelievable. I feel like I’m only just seeing the light

If you want my complete honesty, I don’t think your parents like you very much. They didn’t treat you with kindness as a child and they don’t treat you with respect as an adult.

I think there’s a disconnect, like there’s something about you that threatens them or their idea of what they wanted their children to be like. In many ways, they straight up reject your place in their family unit.

Was your sister good at school, did she go to university? Did they go to university?

Is your sister considered more conventionally attractive by them? Does she resemble either of them more?

@657904I you could be right. But I have no idea!

We both went to uni but I dropped out to forge a career in my field. I’ve been quite successful. Sister graduated and has a similarly successful job.

Tbh they were like this towards me though way before I could potentially disappoint them by being a uni dropout

I'm sorry OP, your parents sound very unkind and uncaring. Emotional abuse is less obvious than physical abuse or neglect but it is just as damaging. Please try and remember that this is their failing as parents and that there's nothing wrong with you - you are a good person and you've managed to be a loving partner and mother, despite not having that yourself as a child. You should be really proud of who you are especially given the horrible experiences you had.

It might be really helpful for you to explore this in therapy and talk more about your experiences. You are not alone - unfortunately it's very common that one child in the family is scapegoated as the 'bad' one.

You're definitely right in thinking your upbringing wasn't all that great. I agree with the poster who said you were emotinoally abused.

Have you heard of contextual therapy? It's what helped me most dealing with the things I encountered as a child. When you said that your worst fear is being a bad mum, that struck a chord with me. I absolutely dread the idea of my children ever having to go through what I went through.

Contextual therapy helped me identify what the patterns of intergenerational trauma are in my family, and helped me see how my own trauma was still impacting me today. It also gave me very clear insight on my responsibility to not pass on that trauma to my girls. It's very confrontational, but it worked miracles on me.
Good luck.

Thank you for all the advice given, much appreciated

I had a similar realisation when I had my own children. I had therapy for a while, which helped. The biggest revelation for me was finding out that my mother has narcissistic personality disorder. It’s common for narcissistic mothers to have one scapegoat child, and one golden child. Sounds like you are the scapegoat. I’d recommend a book called ‘healing the daughters of narcissistic mothers’.

It's worth remembering that our core beliefs are laid down in the first days, weeks, months, years of our lives and it is in those times that their crap parenting will have really impacted you but you won't remember it consciously.

Psychotherapy would be a good place to start.
Unfortunately it is very difficult to not pass on some of the same patterns to your children without a lot of therapy.

Hi op I have a similar story and I feel quite broken about it even all these decades later. It was like I was made to feel from a young age that I was a mystery and some great puzzle, hard work, selfish, a sl&g (because I suppose I looked for love from boyfriends when I was a teenager). Now my children are teenagers I feel broken knowing how I was treated. Therapy is something I'm going to do for myself. I would like to find ways to break this loop of sadness and finally feel my own worth somehow (have a marriage, own house, lovely kids of my own, sober, money in bank etc). I need to start feeling better about myself because at the moment honestly it's kiling me.

It's not you who is at fault here, it is your parents who raised your sister and you in an emotionally unhealthy home. People from such dysfunctional families end up playing roles; you seem to be the scapegoat here for all their ills whilst your sister is the favoured golden child; a role too not without price either.

Have a read of and or consider also posting on the current "Well we took you to Stately Homes" thread on these Relationships pages. I would also suggest you read Toxic Parents by Susan Forward.

I would absolutely lower all interactions with them over time down to zero sum. You do not need their approval, not that this has ever been freely given to you anyway and you owe them nothing, let alone a relationship here. I would also keep them away from your children as well. Toxic parents like this end up being toxic as grandparents as well.

Scapegoat and golden child.
My own mum had this with her father.
She was the golden child, Aunt was the scapegoat.

I'm wondering if they even like you? I realise people are complex, but they've been very hard on you and don't seem to have shown much kindness

Your sister was the golden child, any wrongdoings was overlooked and she was put up on a pedestal and her needs and wishes were met.
You were the scapegoat, any wrongdoings were blamed on you, you were always compared unfavourable with her and your needs and wishes were never met.
You try to look back, to understand why you were told you were hard to love, labelled as hard work and a nightmare and know you were none of those things but as a child it really hurt and you felt ‘flawed’. You have buried how you endlessly tried to gain your parents approval and love and was always rebuffed. The feeling of failure, has always been hovering close, but you haven’t been able to figure out why, until your child was born. Then the realisation that you didn’t have a nice, loving upbringing, that you were made to feel ashamed of yourself, told there was something wrong with you and blamed for things you hadn’t done. You knew your sister was the favourite, your parents blatantly rubbed it in your face, they allowed her to have a pet yet denied you one. It was abusive and they deliberately pitted you against your sister, to compete for their love and made you feel defective.

This book will help you

https://www.amazon.co.uk/Adult-Children-Emotionally-Immature-Parents/dp/1626251703

The stately homes thread could be a good source of support for you

Very similar upbringing. Always compared to my sister. My mum would tell me most days that she loved me but didn't like me. Even now she tells stories at family gatherings about embarrassing things I did was 3. I've had a nickname since the age of 3 of "selfish sally" as when it was someone else's birthday I would get jealous.
Even now my mum tells my work friends and colleagues about how I had to go in time out at school aged 4 for tipping the pencil box all over the floor.
I had no confidence as she used to constantly take the piss out of mistakes I'd made. I was on my scooter once aged 7 and it slid into a lake and she bought it up for the next 20 years about how I'd never be a good driver. It's like they enjoy belittling me. They would wind me up until I reacted and say I didn't have a sense of humour. Like you I was always high achieving. I did however struggle with friendships at school and they always say it's because I'm "difficult" and always falling out with people. I'm sure that the friendship problems I had were down to my upbringing.

It's taken 15 years of therapy for me to realise.

Any time I hear anyone say ' am I too sensitive ' that tells me so much.

You can imagine a reality where there is no such thing as too sensitive? It doesn't exist. Usually, someone who is a certain way, who has feelings, who thinks erm this doesn't feel right, this abusive behaviour I can't quite name yet - well they are often brainwashed into believing they are ' too sensitive '.

Sounds like you're part of a very dysfunctional family system. You're probably the scapegoat.

Unfortunately, people in your life can struggle to understand this and often adult children are treated like a problem for ever acknowledging awful treatment by their parents. It's often hidden and only you know what you endured. I assure you, it is worse than you currently realise or are ready to see.

That's normal. Therapy is really helpful with the right person.

You owe your family nothing.

Here to validate your feeling as well OP, what you are describing is abusive and so damaging, and I say that as someone who was subjected to physical, emotional and sexual abuse as a child. I think one of the really insidious things about emotional abuse is that on its own it can leave children feeling very confused about whether anything wrong has actually happened, and it can take a long time to put the pieces together and realise that yes, that was abuse. Some great book recommendations, I’ll add this which I have found more helpful than I can say

schematherapysociety.org/Schema-Therapy

Wowee.

This is the biggest load of victim blaming I have seen on MN in a very long time.

I agree with PPs re emotional neglect. I think for a lot of people, having a child is what makes them realise that what they had as a child looked or felt very different. Or it makes you question why your own parents weren’t obsessed with you like you are with your DC. I think it’s worth exploring with a therapist as the memories that start coming back when you focus on it all can be quite intense and upsetting.

I would highly recommend the work by Gabor Mate. He has some excellent podcast interviews that talk about emotional neglect and the impact it has. The DOAC one and the Dr Rangan Chatterjee ones are good. The book “The Myth of Normal” is also brilliant. I’d also recommend Mel Robbins podcast ep called 4 signs of emotionally immature parents.

In terms of comparing it to other forms of abuse in childhood, it’s right to think that other people have had incredibly traumatic experiences but you need to remember that ultimately you are still feeling pain and hurt by things from your past. Comparing to others doesn’t lessen what you are feeling and won’t heal your pain. I’ve also read that emotional neglect in childhood is like a million paper cuts - no one incident seems like a huge deal but collectively they have left a huge mark on a young child.