Name changed for this as some childhood examples are outing.
For a long time I’ve had this weird chip-on-my-shoulder type of feeling. I’ve had some mild depression and some of this I’m sure lies in my childhood. I will explore therapy but generally wanted to see if anyone’s been through similar.
I’ll start my saying generally my parents were okay. I was looked after, stable upbringing, we did okay for money, both parents had decent jobs and worked hard. However, now as a 39 year old and with a toddler of my own I’m starting to think maybe things weren’t all that great afterall and perhaps I’ve known this deep down all along. I feel I may be carrying some sort of upset and resentment which is only coming to the surface now as I mature and have had a child myself.
I know things like this can be subjective and there are people who have had truly horrible childhoods so I’m in no way suggesting my experiences are up there with the worst but now as I see my partner with his parents and how we parent our child I can’t imagine doing or saying some of the things they’ve done over the years.
They constantly (even now) refer to me as being ‘hard work and a nightmare’. I’ve heard this as far back as I can remember. I genuinely have no idea where all this comes from. Yes there were no doubt some sassy moments as a teenager and I definitely gave some back chat but hand on my heart I cannot recall anything more serious. I was a polite child- always heard this from others. Straight A student. Didn’t love school but had perfect attendance and got on with it. Always had a job- worked part time from 15 while at school so never asked for money or lazed around the house. I was sociable with lots of friends who were decent people, no issues with hanging around with the ‘wrong crowd’. I’m actually still good friends with these people now. Yes there was some drinking but I never came home drunk, never smoked or took drugs. Never had any involvement with the police.
At 20, I moved 200 miles away alone to start a new job that required relocation. My parents supported me but in 19 years I can count on one hand how often they visited. Until Covid I was going home to visit every 8 weeks or so. I remain in that area now, bought a house with my lovely partner and had a child.
During my younger years my sister was constantly praised and rewarded. Allowed things I wasn’t. If I complained I was told I was older so should know better. She was allowed a pet, I wasn’t. I got the blame for something going missing in our home age 9 and was screamed at, accused of lying and subsequently grounded for weeks on end even although there was no evidence it had anything to do with me. Item was found and I got no apology. I remember once my mum and I arguing and she screamed that apparently my grandad even said “I’m hard to love”. Not sure if this was true but even so, a dreadful thing to say to your child. My parents refused to come to my leaving ceremony of secondary school due to an argument we had the evening before so nobody was there for me. Age 19, I took unwell. I was worried so took myself to A&E. Asked my mum to come with me but she told me I was a drama queen and refused so I went by myself. Turns out it was extremely serious. I just can’t fathom a parent watching their child drive off the driveway taking themselves to hospital. These are just a few examples, there are many more.
At the end of last year I told my parents I had depression. All I got was ‘sorry to hear you’re feeling like that’. No support, no hug, no offer to come and stay for a few days. They’ve not mentioned it ever since, even to see how I am.
My mum is not very maternal and my dad was prone to shouting and outbursts, I suspect he suffered from depression too.
I’m now terrified of being a bad parent to my child and I’d hate for them to ever feel like how I’ve felt but am I just over sensitive? Is this in any way normal?