My family hate vulnerability, is this normal.

[Redcolacan]

I’m struggling in my family. My mum is very much do not show vulnerability. My brother is very much the same. I have been dealing with something that I’m finding a bit difficult and there is no one in my family to go to. If I go to my mum she just says oh never mind and changes the subject. My brother has made a life for himself, he has a big house but he and his wife do not really seem that happy but you wouldn’t see this from the outside. My parents seem happy. They all appear to look very happy but absolutely none of them talk about any feelings whatsoever. Well unless they are positive or about money or something great. I feel like an alien in my family.

Is this normal?

Some people are just like that, my biggest moment in life was my brother ringing me and asking did I need to talk when I told him I had a problem because like your family we’re very much a bottle it up kind of family. I think all you can do is provide the setting (eg a night in with a cuppa) and say ‘but honestly …’ and off you go. Huge hugs op, Id talk out my problems all day if I could. Consider going to friends too if possible, it’s huge letting stuff out x

I think it’s just how some people are. I’m the oldest member of my family and as such feel obligated to be the strong one that others bring their problems to. I wouldn’t show vulnerability because I wouldn’t want them to feel worried about me. So I keep it to myself unless I cannot avoid asking for help with something.

But you are someone that others feel they can bring their problems to. Mine doesn’t appear to want to hear problems, avoids, ignored etc. I’ve stopped even trying.

My family is the same. Is there someone else you can speak to about it outside your family? Obviously it would be great if you could speak to them but it sounds like they may not be willing to change their ways and then you’ll just end up more upset x

How would you define ‘normal’ anyway?

is it common? - Yes very

Is it optimum? are you thriving in it? - No

Can you find alternatives? Yes - perhaps friends who are willing and able to listen, therapy, journal to help you listen to yourself, write here so you can air it all (but pick out the supportive replies and leave the rest!)

They don't have the skills or knowledge to guide you, they may not know how to respond or support you. Seek help from trained professionals, get therapy.

Sounds rather like my family background, OP, though my family showed little if any interest in "positive" news or feelings either. I was the youngest of four, with a large age gap between me and the next sibling up, and it was like growing up in a pressure cooker. Nothing relating to feelings was ever spoken about. Even TV programmes that dealt with families, relationships etc were hardly ever "allowed" to be on. When there were rows, even then nothing really came out into the open, so just constant simmering resentment would remain. To me it was normal. It didn't occur to me until much later that not all families were like that.

I'm in my late 50s now and my parents are long dead, as is my sister. It's just me and my two elder brothers left and it's very evident how we've been harmed by our upbringing. I have grown close-ish to one brother since our parents died, but that's about it. I can talk to him about some things/problems.

It's odd that I should spot your thread just now, as just before logging on I was thinking about some kindness that was shown me by a colleague decades ago in one of my first jobs, when I'd got a bit tearful. I'd been left to do a new task which had to be completed hurriedly, but hadn't been actually shown what to do, and it all got a bit much. I remember being absolutely stunned that someone would react to my upset with concern, rather than the dismissal or anger that was customary at home. The memory just popped into my head and then I saw this thread.

When I was growing up it was anything and everything from break ups with boyfriends to loosing friends. My only advice was to just forget it. All I did was just not tell them any and hide my problems. But you are probably right in that my parents just don’t seem to have to knowledge to be supportive and caring.

I can understand how it's not easy for you to be part of this family, OP.
However, you can't change them, and the energy you spend trying to change them or wishing them to be different is wasted energy.

And as human beings, we're all imperfect in one way or another. Sometimes it's just a matter of accepting those imperfections and realising that they may be trying to love you in another way, if that is the case. My husbands family is very much like yours. Not because they want to be, but just because they don't know any better. They do however provide support in their way. They help out financially, practically, they buy clothes and shoes for the children, lend us money when we need it. My FIL will be the first to put on his boots and his overalls and volunteer to do whatever dirty work there is around the house.
But they won't talk about feelings.
Does that make them bad people? No. They do their best. It may not be exactly what we need all of the time. But that's why we choose our friends carefully and pick people who do know how to offer emotional support.

We don’t get any of that support either. My family preach total independence and doing it all alone. If it really is something I can’t do they will help but they will make comments that they really shouldn’t have to. They don’t want to rely on each other for anything.

Inter generational trauma, inter generational immaturity and lack of access to education. If they experienced trauma themselves, they may have an empathy deficit.

Its not that they are withholding support, they don't know how to support.

Perhaps their shield was obstinant progression, no self reflection, no time for feelings, only keep trudging on and disgard anything you don't know how to deal with or that makes you feel uncomfortable.

My dh's family are very much like this even when their 4 year old neice/granddaughter died from cancer no one showed their emotions, they just got on with it. They have always been a very stoic family. It's just the way they are.

My family (and me) are completely different. We have lots of mental health issues in our family and we are more than comfortable to show our vulnerable side.

@Redcolacan I seldom told my parents anything either, and certainly nothing about problems I was having. It simply didn't occur to me to do so, as I'd never experienced/witnessed feelings being acknowledged, let alone discussed. Ironically, in my 20s/30s they would occasionally hint that I was secretive, whilst showing zero understanding that I was just modelling their behaviour over the years. PP are right - they just didn't know how to be different.

You are asking the wrong question.

‘is this ok for me? Is this acceptable behaviour for me?’

Seriously l have had more support from MN and Chat GPT than l ever had from my family and friends.

Well no I don’t really like it and I don’t live my own life like this. I get the impression they think something is just plain wrong with me when I voice things I struggle with. I sometimes think perhaps they are right but then I’m sure everyone goes through things in their life and they probably tell their family and get support. I don’t think it’s healthy to just ignore everything you feel.

I dont think i was born with feelings.
I get on with things if i have a problem i sort it.
I dont cry or get emotional watching films etc.
You could chip ice of my heart im sure of it.

Sounds like my mum. She looks at me like I’m a pathetic puppy.

Yeah mine are like this. A distinct lack of empathy and a get over yourself and get on with it mentaility.

Your not pathetic at all we are all different.
Some could spend hours every day talking about feelings some just talk and sort it others just want to talk about the same negative crap over and over again without sorting it.
And others just find it boring to sit and talk about the same things when said person is not helping themselfs.

I understand that this is not how you want to live.

However, regardless of whether you agree with or support their way of life, you can't make them be something they're not.

I think you need to make a distinction between how you want to live, and how you think they should be living to accomodate you.
Of course you should have the freedom to face your emotions. You however don't have the right to force others to face your emotions if they don't want to. You can be sad about it, disappointed. But you can't change them, nor should you try to.

Now, again, I'm not saying I agree with their way of life and the emotional repression. But right now it sounds as if you need their validation to be able to do anything with your emotions. You don't.
If they are incapable/unwilling to help you deal with your emotions, then you need to build a social network of people around you who are capable/willing of doing so. And you need to decide how involved you want your family to be in your life.

You can be frustrated and disappointed all you want. Or you can let it go, accept them as they are and take your emotional needs elsewhere. I think we both know which option is going to be most beneficial to you in the long run.

I think you might get a lot out of the book running on empty by Jonice Webb.

I know what you mean. I am just disappointed I don’t have the loving support of others I see. I also cant understand why for example my brother isn’t bothered that he doesn’t have friends. I would be bothered. They don’t seem to be bothered about anything.

It sounds like your family lack empathy OP.

My aunt was like this. Any sign of distress (bereavement/mental health breakdown/injury/illness/loss/heartbreak) and she'd make a cat's bum mouth and mutter, "We don't wear our hearts on our sleeve in this family".

Then her mum died and she utterly fell apart. She was in tears for weeks and so devastated that my DH and I had to hold her up at the funeral because she was reeling with emotion. We were all so kind to her, listened, supported, sat with her and provided practical help.

I thought it would make her realise how we can all be vulnerable and need support however strong we think we are.

Nope. A year later she is back with the cat's bum telling anyone with a problem to pull themselves together and that mental health problems are a modern fashion.

I think the answer for you is to find other people with empathy, who care and will support you. Your family will probably never change.

I have no recollection of ever having a discussion on feelings or any internal landscape type stuff with my family growing up or since.

I did once when living in another country, break up with a boyfriend, and having gad a few wines, was on the phone with my dad, whereupon I burst into tears and told him. He couldn't get me off the phone quick enough..I had to apologise and call back when I'd stopped crying.

It's not so much that they despised vulnerability but they just totally lacked the skills to deal with anything like that and would have thought it weird to talk about your emotions.

I've often thought how weird it is to live with your closest relatives and not really 'know' each other.

I suspect it's not that uncommon..